Thu 22 May 2008
To Matrimony or Not to Matrimony
Posted by cindy under Mental States , Wedding Memories at 12:28 am[9] Comments
Vanessa wrote a recent post addressing some thoughts on marriage, namely, what’s the benefit to getting married these days? Isn’t it better to stay unmarried but live together in a relationship so if things don’t work out, there’s no messy divorce later? Why is marriage still so important to so many people, especially women? Isn’t it scary and messy to commingle assets and debts, because why would anyone want to acquire someone else’s debt or lose a personal asset? Although musing about these issues, she seems more skeptical toward the institution of marriage than optimistic.
She sounded so much like me back then. (Just type “marriage” in my search field on the right toolbar and you’ll see.) We do have some similar relationship histories. She’d been engaged twice (to two different guys) but suffered two very painful and difficult breakups. I’ve never been engaged before now, but breaking up was so painful and looking back at the old relationships, we’re both so grateful that we didn’t marry the guys from our past, that it feels like we’d narrowly avoided disaster by not marrying these awful relationships. Kinda didn’t make the best argument for marriage when we constantly thank our lucky stars that we didn’t get married earlier.
And yet the issue of marriage always hangs out there in a relationship, behind a burgeoning tree, within the clouds in a blue sky, in the back of your happy mind, in the eyes of other people’s babies, in a conversation with your mother. So you have to address it at some point, even if it’s only in your own head. In my situation, because Mr. W was unbudging in his conviction that marriage and more children would never be in his future (which decision he developed before me and maintained in the first year of our relationship), I thought hard about the pros and cons of marriage and in a sour grapes sort of way, convinced myself that all the logic behind staying single prevails as the better lifestyle. I’m not dependent on a guy, I don’t need anyone to wipe my butt, I’ve done well for myself, and as a single woman, I have nothing holding me back from full enjoyment of my hedonistic pursuits. Plus, being with Mr. W, I had the security of a committed, faithful, fun, trusting relationship, and I can’t imagine that he’s giving me anything less than what he’d give me if he were legally bonded to my hip. So I wasn’t missing out on anything.
Except I knew I was. I constantly pushed the thought back and threw giant mental throw rugs over it, but there was that tiny little voice wondering why I wasn’t good enough to consider marrying, why he was willing back then to pledge his life to someone less deserving than me — or at least, I’m better than her in his opinion, and if that were true, then why wouldn’t he give me something he so willingly gave her? Unless I’m not everything to him that he claimed I was. He said I was too good for him and that his baggage isn’t worth marrying for me, but what woman in love actually believes that with her heart even if her head buys it? So for the sake of my relationship and ego I had to ignore the heart and follow my head, and head’s loud logic explained why marriage is an outdated joke of an institution and I’m much better off being the progressive modern enlightened woman whose life outsiders watched me lead, believing what they saw because they were not inside my mind.
I soon got so acquainted with the “marriage=bad” mental rhetoric that I became nervous and queasy with the thought of marriage and never brought it up. Time went by and at our one-year anniversay, Mr. W took me out to a nice dinner and brought up the possibility of marriage. “I want to give you a real commitment.” I reassured him there’s nothing unreal in our commitment now and ditched the conversation cleverly for another 9 months until he proposed on the ship during our joint birthday cruise. Even as an engaged woman it took awhile for me to want to deal with it, and up until recently I’ve been criticized as not having a “good enough reason” to be married because I didn’t subscribe to the romanticism school of thought about marriage. I didn’t have a childhood preconceived idea of the perfect wedding, I still don’t know the perfect hairstyle and veil, I don’t particularly care for wedding details and wedding planning. I wasn’t flipping my left hand down under the nose of every passerby to show off my beautiful ring, I didn’t scream my engagement from every rooftop, I don’t talk wedding with anyone I may be hanging out with (unless I’m asking an experienced person for their recommended vendor information). When people ask me “How’s the wedding planning going?” (which is more often than you’d think) I give generic answers and don’t care to gush about it. I’m busier addressing wedding issues as task lists instead of emotion-charged bragging rights, even on this blog. I’ve discussed future practical issues and finance plans with my husband-to-be to lay the foundation for a smooth marriage. We have a plan for our life — not just dreams but how to work the day-to-day practical angles in life to get to our dreams. So does this mean I’m not excited enough to be married? I certainly think not.
As I told Vanessa, where I am now, I believe:
* we’re caught between 2 generations of thought regarding marriage. The old generation idealizes marriage as the highest commitment and symbol of true and lasting love that one person can give another. You are so sure of your love for another that you want to pledge the rest of your life to that person. And the current generation thinks of marriage as a scam, because marriage no longer guarantees a commitment. It no longer guarantees true love or happiness (not that it ever did, I reckon, except people didn’t use to talk about their problems so openly). It doesn’t even guarantee permanence. And the business end of marriage with post-divorce financial division problems and the way people have learned to work the legal system to REALLY screw their exes really make marriage unappealing from a practical standpoint.
* But I think if you can keep the original ideals for the institution of marriage, and work together to manage the practical business issues (like have living trusts or not incur debt to leave to the other person, or have a massive life insurance policy if you have massive debt), marriage can be a great partnership both in the emotional and financial realms.
I don’t think the two schools of thought have to be mutually exclusive. I don’t believe that if you’re in love and can’t wait to be married, that you have to be irresponsible and ignore “unromantic” things like prenuptial agreements and estate planning to split assets fairly between children, stepchildren, half-children, etc. And if you’re taking out insurance policies together and agreeing to what is financially “fair” and suitable to your coexistence, that doesn’t mean you’re not in love. Being in love and wanting it to work for a lifetime means you prepare for the bumps in the road ahead, and you keep your eye out together, hands linked, minds joined.
Right?
There are a lot of pros and cons to getting married and not. But I err on the side of marriage for several reasons..
1: it’s more traditional
2: my folks would and do not appreciate me living w/while dating someone (I’ve had the great opportunity to see their reaction, when my sister decided to live w/ her bf, eeeks – ha)
3: at some point, I think I’d start to think what you mentioned above, ‘why wouldn’t I be good enough to consider marrying?’
On the flip side, my biggest pro to not getting married is exactly as you wrote, there’s no guarantee w/a marriage license in hand. It’s a paper showing you committed and a ring, if you choose to wear it, showing you are ‘taken’… big whoop.
At the end of the day, I believe what works for some, doesn’t work for others. Thankfully, today’s society is less judging of those who live together and are committed – w/o rings or the license.
Although unrealistic, getting married appears to be some sort of slight insurance that the two parties will stay together. It takes a lot of work to get divorced as opposed to just breaking up. (And believe me, I know this one.)
Also, I firmly believe that if two people were going to start a family (i.e. have children), they should be married. I’m not liberated to the point where I will accept couples sharing children without being married first.
If I really want to avoid the legal marriage thing (for a variety of reasons, though in particular the merging of financial assets) or I didn’t want to have children then I would totally be comfortable with never getting married.
I like wearing a wedding ring and having a wedding though. People dress up and have a good time. Everybody looks pretty when they attend. It’s just so nice!
You know my thoughts on this (I think). If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. A piece of paper makes me no more committed than the intimate moments we share together letting each other know how devoted we are to one another. I don’t care about the wedding. For me I’d rather spend that money on something else. Plus (for me) when it’s your 2nd time around…it changes EVERYTHING!!!! Everyone should have one wedding tho…it’s a beautiful day.
k – re your #2, yup, same here. My parents — mom especially — were a huge driving factor in Mr. W’s decision to marry me. Not that they put a gun to his head, but he just knew. Plus all mom’s “hinting” wasn’t that subtle.
re your #3, I’m starting to think that’s just a matrimony virgin thing. That factor doesn’t seem to be as eminent for divorcees. Have you read this post of mine re what men really mean when they say they don’t ever want to be married? http://cindy.ocliw.com/2005/12/29/467/
Vicky – I was thinking about your exact point earlier when I was at work (before I saw your comment). I was thinking what absolutely essential reasons there might be to get married in my opinion. What comes to mind is if people want to have and rear kids. I guess if you’re religious or have traditional parents or live in a society where “living in sin” is not a possibility, then marriage would be an essential future step, too. Otherwise, these days, you don’t even have to be married to share benefits anymore. You just have to live with someone for 6+ months and declare domestic partnership. Or maybe that’s just California.
But yeah, you do seem to enjoy the pretty wedding thing more than I do. But I’m more tomboyish that way.
Flat Coke – Agreed on the money wasted on weddings. I’m trying to be frugal and ppl who know me know I don’t pay full price for anything, but even then my costs are near double my original budget! The wedding industry is such a rip-off. The moment you say anything you’re interested in buying is for a “wedding,” the decimal point moves to the right. Or maybe it’s just California. Yeah, I think for people who would be getting re-married, the subsequent marriages don’t feel like as big a deal as they would to a matrimony virgin.
BTW, the last generation’s reasons for getting hitched are many. For my mom, it’s stuff like wanting to know someone always has my back in case she can’t be around, like if I pass out at home someone would find me and get me to a hospital in time; wanting me to have people “on my team” like my husband and my kids; perpetuating the family genes; wanting to play with grandbabies; having more love and knowledge to pass down to newer generations of family; fear that I’d be lonely later in life; fear that I’d die alone and/or suffer because there was no one to ensure I got proper care in my old age; and lastly, she’s girly and loves pretty weddings and parties and tradition and wedding jewelry, too.
I totally agree if kids are in the picture, or going to be in the future, marriage is a MUST!!
I hadn’t read that post but it does bring up several good thoughts. I definitely agree with the ending quote, of how it should look like. I have a friend that is in the same scenario but is opposite. He wants to get married and she does not. For her, she still enjoys the independence of being ‘unattached’ but obviously luvs and has strong feelings for her significant other. What she has shared with me is that she wants to get married but not with him, proving your post accurate.
Unfortunately, they are expecting a child now. And agreeing w/Flat Coke and others above, I’d say get hitched or walk away as a single mom.
My sister said I sounds just like my Dad. Maybe it’s his upbring that has to do with it a little, or the whole not having my Dad walk me down the aisle or removing the Father and daughter dance is too painful to think of the actual cermony. I dunno! I guess I just really have to think what I want in the long run and the kinks will work themselves out.
wow that was a really long thesis paper u wrote on marriage.
they say that women who are in denial and tell themselves they’re ok not being married, when deep down that’s what they really want, are the least likely to ever get married. they actually did a study on it.
personally i always knew i wanted to be married, and i was one of those who thought about it since i was 6.
vicky hit the nail on the head. wedding stuff is just so pretty – and i can’t speak for anyone else, but when i actually stepped into my ceremony/reception it feels surreal – cuz it’s like a dream world that you’ve been planning for months, now come to life.