I had the feeling for the longest time about my baby being Riley. I felt I knew him, felt him, his personality was familiar. Rebecca had said that he was my son in a previous life and that he was coming with the same intention he did then — to take care of me. I felt his sense of humor, knew that he helped send us a family of dolphins the day before the embryo implant. So when the 20-week ultrasound revealed a girl, I was totally confused and felt like I’d “lost” Riley.

I brought up in my phone conversation with Rebecca last night that I had always thought I’d have 2 kids, a boy first, then a couple years later, a girl. I had thought Riley was that boy. But I’d also always felt that if I could only have 1 child, I’d like to have a little girl, like me (I’m an only child, too). Rebecca had told me years ago during a coffee house reading that there were 2 souls ready to come through as my children, they were just waiting for me. I felt then it was my boy (I “saw” him as a little taller and older than the spunky little girl) and my girl. Now that we’ve given up our other embryos, the would be no older boy and younger girl. Based on other things she told me about my would-be son early on in pregnancy when we all thought it was a boy, he would be “very small,” would take awhile to start talking but that when he did, it would be well-established longish sentences. None of those things matched Allie; she’s long and tall, she was big at birth, and she’s so talkative now and concentrating on our mouths when we talk that I feel like she’d be talking really soon. The “feel” I have for Riley doesn’t match the “feel” I have for Allie, as if they’re different people. So guess what. Rebecca told me over the phone that her intuition is that Riley WAS about to come through. Allie and Riley were on the Other Side preparing, Riley was asking her, “Come on, are you doing to do this with me?” But at some point they KNEW it was just going to be one, not two, and Allie was saying, “I need to go through, I need to go NOW,” and Riley and Allie agreed that Allie would come through and be the only child, my little girl. Riley “opened the door” for Allie to come through. I said this must’ve happened later in my pregnancy, then, because I “felt” Riley earlier on. She said souls can come in and out of a fetus and they settle in about 3 months. 3 months would be my 20-week ultrasound when the tech told us, “To me it looks like a girl” and shocked the hell out of us. That was when Allie came through and stayed. Before that, I DID feel Riley, as I’d described in this post.

Rebecca said they did know that if I were to have 1 child, I would’ve preferred a girl. I said I hoped Riley wasn’t offended. She said there’s no “offense” in the conscious field; the two of them made their decisions together, they decided she would come through. There’s no judgement or right or wrong; they were just decisions and paths. I guess it’d be like, do I want to wear a blue shirt or a white shirt today? Just neutral decisions.

But I FELT it. I KNEW it. This would explain why I felt the disconnect with Allie early on, and I’d thought it was the postpartum depression. I had expected Riley, and altho I’d thought she maybe WAS Riley but just in a different gender, turns out, she’s Allie. She’s always been Allie and Riley has always been Riley. They are two.

I couldn’t help it when I told Mr. W this — I cried. I love Allie, but now in addition to my love of my child, I miss my other child, Riley. I know there’s no good or bad and that Riley will just come through to this plane a different way, but now I understood why I’d felt my confusion and my loss before.

Rebecca also reminded me that Allie is a wonderful person, altho instead of being the boy who’s here to take care of me, she’d be the girl who’d boss me around (in a cute way). “But you’ll soon see, there are good reasons for her choices in life. She may tell you, ‘Mommy, do this, not that,’ and you’ll ask her why, and she’ll tell you ‘Because of this and that’ and explain it to you. And you’ll go, ‘Oh! I see. Okay,’ and do it the way she suggested.” Rebecca still sees Allie in the medical profession because she’ll want to help people, and she sees adult Allie in a white lab coat.

I’m gonna figure out a way to have a chat with Riley, if I can handle it without bawling.