cindy's world

You know what blows my mind? Is how something that I’m so excited about or have been eagerly anticipating can, at the same time, mean so little to someone else. How something I put so much care into preparing for can be received nonchalantly (or even forgotten) by the other person.
Man, I don’t like being so vague on my posts. Maybe I should take up what Jimmy does.

You know how if you find yourself holding on to the blade of a knife (and let’s assume you didn’t realize it was a blade when you first reached for the seemingly shiny pretty object), the tighter you hold it, the more it cuts in and the more you bleed? So you start to let go but you realize as you loosen your grip that the blade is holding the wound closed somewhat and once you open your hand the gashes would REALLY open and start gushing. So you don’t know what to do at this point, sorta half hanging on to the blade, trying not to hold on too hard, and yet unable to let go completely despite the pain. What do you do now? Just wait and hope that the wound, given enough time, heals around the knife blade?

Sittin’ over here
Starin’ in your face
With lust in my eyes
Sure don’t give a damn and
Ya don’t know
That I’ve been dreamin’ of ya in my fantasy
Never once you looked at me,
Don’t even realize that I’m wantin’ you
To fulfill my needs
Think what you want
Let your mind free
Run free to a place that no one dares to

How many nights I’ve laid in bed excited over you
I’ve closed my eyes and thought of us
A hundred different ways
I’ve gotten there so many times
I wonder how ’bout you
Day and night, night and day
All I’ve gotta say is

Chorus:
If I was your girl
Oh the things I’d do to you
I’d make you call out my name
I’d ask who it belongs to
If I was your woman,
The things I’d do to you
But I’m not, so I can’t,
And I won’t
But, if I was your girl…

Allow me some time to play with your mind
And you’ll get there again and again
Close your eyes and imagine my body undressed
Take your time, we’ve got all night
You on the rise as you’re touchin’ my thighs
And let me know what you like
If you like, I’ll go down
Da down down down da down down
I’ll hold you in my hand and baby

Your smooth and shiny feels so good against my lips, sugar
I want you so bad I can taste your love
Right now, baby
Day and night, night and day
All I’ve gotta say is

Chours (x2)

I’ve laid in bed excited over you
One hundred different ways I’ve thought of
Many, Maaaaaannnnny
All I want to say is

(Chorus til end)

It can’t only be me who thinks it’s wrong to secure a date for the oncoming weekend with the expectation of breaking up with your significant other by then. What if the new person said yes and it turns out, the breakup doesn’t happen? From my experience, a breakup is rarely as simple as the compound word suggests. It’s more like a gruelingpainfulelogonatedargumentendingingrudgesandtearsandpsychosis-untilonepartymeetssomebodyelse.

I’m beat up and have acquired new bruises, swellings and scratches, but I really enjoyed jujitsu today. I find it remarkable that the other white belts (who don’t have blackbelt ego but are advanced enough to have stuff to teach me) can do the whole full-body contact without feeling self-conscious or letting any sort of tension get in the way. One guy who was practicing for a competition this Sunday told me a story after class about how even tho his buddy is bigger and stronger than he is, that despite his injured elbow he was able to get his buddy into a submission hold half the time when they’re wrestling because of his more polished martial arts techniques. He started describing one foothold ‘trick’ that I couldn’t understand, so he showed it to me. He got on his back with his knees up, opened his legs, and told me to get on top of him. This was slightly uncomfortable, but then I’m not as deep into the martial arts mentality as he is. He clearly has no problem with this. So I did it and he demonstrated the leg lock and showed me how if I try to punch him (which I did), he could with very little strength yank me off balance downward (which he did), or push me over (which he did), and there’s nothing I could do about it or to even get up (which I tried to do and failed). He had me turn and look at the hold of his legs wrapped around mine, and the location of his feet around my ankles. And it was purely educational. There’s none of the winks and grins that the blackbelt did to me even on Monday. (Of course, my cold reception toward it on Monday made the blackbelt way more business-oriented around me today. Not stiffly since the whole class still jokes around and stuff, but it’s more platonic.)
As everyone was walking out after class, the instructor said in a year he was going to have me in competitions and I should start practicing now with that goal in mind. I looked dubious and one of the more skilled guys (who had taught me a lot) said that I have nice hip-throws. I was shocked. I said I couldn’t lift anyone in the class. Then they all looked surprised. They said I could, and my positioning on the hip throws is good. Maybe they’re just yanking my chain so I’d continue with the class, I dunno.

I got this joke via email and it’s an oldie but goodie:

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.” Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.

I got an email this morning from my cousin requesting volunteers to work the 33rd annual National Down Syndrome Congress. Volunteers will be acting as guides, group leaders, and friends for teens and adults with Down syndrome at their annual conference where they will be participating in workshops and talent shows. It’s going to be at the Hyatt Regency in Garden Grove on a Sunday at the end of the month.

I immediately wrote back to her telling her I’m in. I’d done a similar volunteer position for the Special Olympics with my then-boyfriend on June 17, 2001 for the Sheriff’s Department (I know the date because I’m looking at a labeled Polaroid of me taken at the event, tacked to the front wall of my desk, among various photos of Dodo). I’d also done a lot of volunteer work in high school for CSF and Key Club. What good times we had back then! My cousin was also in Key Club and I’d see her on occasion at large volunteer events.

There’s something about volunteering for the less fortunate that really opens your eyes and your heart. I can’t wait.

I had one of those dreams this morning (in-between Snooze hits) that from past experience will set the overtone for my mood the next few days. Coincidentally, I watched an episode of “Friends” last nite (Season 9 DVD) wherein Rachel dreamt about Joey and herself in a romantic situation and when she woke up, she couldn’t shake the desire to make out with Joey. That started her Joey crush. Does my dream mean I really DO need romance in my life, as hard as I’m fighting it from all directions, internally and externally? I had been making such progress, too. I woke up late from this dream and expelled so audible a groan-whimper that my cat came running and gave me the quizzical yet comforting “grrrrrr-owl?”.

New on list of things to do:

Make a sandwich board that says “If you’re frustrating and annoying and pig-headed and have victim’s complex, leave me the hell alone.”

And even as I know this, I’m about to drive myself into perhaps a regrettable mistake. Oh well, what else is new? I spent like 15 minutes in a hot spa at the gym today letting the jets pound the knots from my back. Why not put some more back in?

I really dislike judgmental, ignorant, close-minded, conceited people. I can close an eye to someone with one or maybe even two of these features, but all of them together just makes me feel disdainful toward the two bearers of these traits whom I’m thinking of. It’s bad enough that these people are too quick to pass judgment without knowing all the facts and without even the open-mindedness to see that they don’t have all the information, but to have the arrogance to wave the verbal banner that they’re right and that anyone who goes against their judgment is stupid…wow. The attitudes of these two people will be detrimental to their personal growth.
(I may feel more strongly about this presently due to hormonal fluctuations, but hormones don’t alter my opinion – only the level of my response.)