cindy's world

I just realized something about myself. I’d always partly believed it when people say I worry too much about things I have no control over. I was starting to see symptoms of General Anxiety Disorder. But I just realized that I only stress over things that aren’t being taken care of, which means they are things that I can still do something about. However, if a problem exists but something is being done about it, even if it is not yet resolved, I’m fine! Someone I care about may have serious hypertension issues, but if he’s on meds, being monitored by a doctor and is taking steps to take care of himself, I don’t worry about it. We do what we can, and the rest is up to fate/the universe/powers that be/God. If the same person is in denial about his health and is still out there getting drunk and partying it up and not taking his meds, THEN I worry and stress, and try to get him to see the light. I think that’s very reasonable.

I feel lost again, like a leaf that had been torn from a tree. Now that I’m not attached to something large and substantial and rooted, I’m at the mercy of the wind and I feel insecure and scared as I flip and fall and rise arbitrarily. The last time I’d felt this way (10 months ago) and described the blown leaf sensation to someone, he told me, “Or you can choose not to be a leaf. You can be an acorn or a seed, and settle down anywhere you want and grow into your own tree.”
Tonight, those clever words of advice give me little comfort as I grit my teeth against the dread of this weekend.

Visited the ‘rents this evening. Washed my car over there again. Two weekends in a row in which I did laundry and washed my car. I’m too embarrassed to put in writing how often I normally did laundry and washed the car, but if you know me, you should be wiping a tear in pride now. My mom offered to make me a fruit smoothie. She’s been really into the organic healthy stuff, and she makes her own yogurt which she blends into smoothies. I munched on sliced oranges and Fuji apples (smoothie ingredients) as my mom blended, and ended up too full when I got my mug o’ smoothie, so I played with the foam on top while my dad took a sip of his smoothie. He complained it was too sour. My mom said, “Oh, I must’ve used too much tomato.” HUH?

As I worked up the courage to take a sip of…tomato smoothie, I took the mug with me to the living room and decided to practice piano. It’d been a long time. I rummaged in the box of sheet music and music books, and pulled out Claude Debussy’s Suite Bergamasque. I discovered a whole submelody in “Clair de Lune.” I frowned to concentrate through my parents’ Chinese talk show CD, which they had cranked way up so they can hear it over my piano (the radio was in the kitchen and they were sitting in the family room trying to listen to it). Then I started pulling out Chopin and various composers’ Sonatas. It’s interesting to sight-read music I know I’ve played before but have no memory of it, or of the markings made by my former piano teacher. Coming at this music from a “fresh” perspective, then, I was impressed by the composition and light-heartedness of one Sonata which didn’t have a composer’s name under the title. I thought it sounded a lot like Mozart’s style, and it reminded me of the arias in Mozart’s opera “Le Nozze de Figaro,” which I had seen with my ex last year. I flipped to the table of contents which did list the composers, and I was right! Now that I’m older and have more exposure to classical music (as opposed to simply memorizing a given order of notes with no opinion as to the quality of the music, which was how I approached music as a child/teen), I find that I have more appreciation for and understanding of these works. It takes playing music to a whole different level. For example, I examined a chord and wondered why Debussy chose to use an F instead the smoother sounding chord he’d make with E-flat, and then I looked at the measure before and saw his pattern of note ascension. Brilliant. This appreciation bubble burst as my mom interrupted my playing to tell me to hurry up and drink the tomato smoothie before the enzymes die.

I went upstairs to blog about my excitement over my piano playing, and could not get their internet up because their dial-up kept hanging up after the “verifying user name and password” stage. So I played 3-D Pinball for 2 hours until I decided that the computer’s cheating, then I came home.

I found a new PMS emotion! Severe shock. I read in an old friend’s blog that he was LA-bound this weekend, a mere 30 miles away from me, while I was chatting with him online on Instant Messenger. So I instantly wrote to him:

Me (10:58:13 AM): You’re in LA this weekend?! When???
Friend (10:58:26 AM): oh right now!
Me (10:58:41 AM): YOU’RE IN LA RIGHT NOW???
Friend (10:58:46 AM): yeah!
Me (10:58:55 AM): ?!?!
Me (10:58:59 AM): WHERE???
Friend (10:59:06 AM): haha in santa monica
Friend (10:59:20 AM): over at [another friend’s apartment] right now
Me (10:59:24 AM): !!! When’d you get in???
Friend (10:59:54 AM): yesterday afternoon
Me (10:59:58 AM): WHAAAAAT???

And then I thought, “Why am I so SHOCKED??” It’s not like he doesn’t come down semi-regularly, or travel really regularly to even farther places. Then it hit me. PMS. I know from experience that PMS makes all the emotions stronger which causes the roller-coaster effect. But I’ve never been severely SHOCKED before.

Mine’s broken. If I had doubts before about my ability, I now know.

My girl friend Erin and I met up at Glen Ivy Hot Springs this morning around 10am. Whereas I was proud of myself for getting to Corona at that hour, having finally fallen asleep this morning at past 5am, Erin had already completed like 3 errands before I saw her. We started by caking ourselves with the red mineral clay, chatting on the lounge as we dried, then like two little pots, we sat in the mud water to rinse off what we couldn’t flake off. Then we showered, I changed into my slinkier tanning bikini (earlier, had to wear a black tankini that red clay couldn’t stain), and we explored the grounds, going from pool to pool. First we dipped a toe into the sulfur-smelling outdoor mineral bath, but that was way too hot. We went instead into the adjacent lap pool to bob around as we talked about swim strokes and kicks. Next, we sat in the bubbling indoor Roman bath and enjoyed the hot spa water and jets. Then we hit the steam room. I made a very bad Holocaust-related joke when it got unbearable, and we left and padded outside to explore the nooks and crannies of the outdoor property. On the different levels and terraces, behind various foliage, we found and lounged in a warm, fizzy salt water spa and discussed the California real estate market (as compared to New York’s, Nevada’s and Arizona’s). On a terrace, we discovered and lounged in one of two generously-sized terrace spas. When we craved cooler waters, we drifted lazily on blue foam floats in the large lounge pool. When we left Glen Ivy at 5:30pm, we were pruny but our skin felt smooth and conditioned and we kept talking about how great our bodies feel and how relaxed we are. Seriously, my backaches and sore spots are gone as I sit and type here.

For dinner we hit up Kamon Restaurant in the City of Industry for sushi. As usual, the sushi chefs at the bar greeted me warmly and joked with Erin and myself as they made us great food, gave us a great discount, and complimentary baked salmon. (I tip generously there, and have been going there for awhile.) $26 + tip for sushi dinner for 2, can’t complain. We both wanted something sweet for dessert, so we went to a crepes restaurant in the Hong Kong Supermarket plaza. Horrible service. We never got the water we requested, nor the extra spoon nor napkins (the latter two I got myself from the front of the restaurant). The two crepes including tax came out to $7.04. Erin was covering dessert and she put on the table…7 dollar bills and four pennies. We skidaddled out of there. Then we chatted in my car and caught up with each other’s lives for an hour after I drove her back to her car.

I had a good time. =) And a good tan, despite the continual reapplication of sunblock.

When I woke up on my living room couch at about 2:00 a.m., the house was dark, and the TV was playing a horror flick on HBO called “My Little Eye.” I don’t know what groggy-eyed idiocy compelled me to watch the remainder of this movie. The result is that I ended up scared and in desperate need to “reach out and touch someone”, but I wasn’t gonna call someone at 3am. Next best thing in the 21st century is to log online and hope for the best. And there it was, on AOL Instant Messenger. I made my confessions of fear to a faraway friend and explained my situation…

Me: I keep turning around to watch my back and you know what’s worse than watching your back alone at night?
Me: is turning around and watching your back in a mirror!
Me: WWWAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend: at work
Friend: i had a mirror
Friend: attached to my monitor
Friend: so i can always see what is going on behind me
Friend: and if someone is creeping up on me or not
Me: I’ve seen people in the Clerk’s Office with that on their monitors.
Me: But at times like this, you realize the mirror doesn’t help because certain supernatural things don’t cast reflections!
Me: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend: also a good point
Me: I’m gonna cry!
Friend: you will be okay, cindy.
Friend: i’ve talked to the supernatural powers
Friend: and told them that they can have the night off
Friend: so they will not be bothering you tonight.
Me: What about murderous people who are killing people in a secretly bugged, isolated house for a snuff internet site?
Me: (I watched “My Little Eye”)
Friend: oh, that isn’t your house
Friend: i checked.

I like having friends who you can tell have had boyfriend-training and who evidently would make good dads. *sniff*

There really is a lot for me to be happy about. All around I could see close calls, pitfalls I’d almost fallen into at one point. But luckily, I have made some good decisions and am very comfortable in my life right now.

It’s a nice Friday. I’m all warm from my lunchtime workout and the hot shower I had afterwards, I’m sitting in a courtroom where I can do my work at my own pace since we’re not in session right now, and I just finished munching on a fresh blueberry bagel. I look and feel better (well, except for the aches and pains from jujitsu) than I did a few years ago at this time. Today is payday. I ran into a friend I haven’t seen in awhile in the courthouse today. I still have hair. My reporter introduced me to a new killer ab exercise today.

Tomorrow I’m gonna have a girlie day w/a friend at Glen Ivy Hot Springs and we’re gonna sit in mineral baths, whirlpools, saunas, red clay and/or pools all day. In a couple of weeks I’m gonna meet up w/my cousins Diana and Jennifer and we’re gonna go have a nice dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse in Irvine, easily one of the best steakhouses anywhere. (One thing I realized when the three of us were trying to find a good day to go have dinner is how busy my weeks are and I am so glad about that. I’m not busy doing stuff I hate, or fulfilling obligations to other people. I’m busy doing stuff I enjoy and/or signed up for myself.)

Ahhhhh. *smiling contentedly*

My reporter came in a few minutes ago and told me that a man at the gym was talking about me to her. He told her that I should smile, and that he never sees me smile.
That’s the point! I don’t wanna have to change gyms again! If I don’t already know you, I’m likely not gonna get to know you because I don’t want you hitting on me, stalking me, or interrupting my workout. (Yes, that is the reason I’ve changed gyms like 4 times already. I should post some of the stalker emails I’ve received.) I accept that some people see the gym as a meat market. I’ll just deal with that in my own way: by not making eye contact, not initiating contact with people, eliminating all the idle time I can in between exercises by supersetting everything.

I listed my house for sale with a realtor today. Sometimes you just need a change and the only way to make that change is to uproot completely. I also put in for a transfer to another courthouse. There’s nothing to be scared of, right? I’m competent and I can be social, make new friends, learn new procedures. I will be making a pretty large profit on my house, so I am also going to trade in my car this weekend for something less gas-guzzling, like a Toyota Corolla. Definitely not getting a dark-colored car anymore, either. Something white or beige is good, so I don’t have to get the tinted windows this time to decrease the heat. I think I’ll rent an apartment near the new work location for awhile and save up money to put into new property. That may mean I need to get rid of the cat, but I’m sure I can find nice new parents for him.