cindy's world

I was outside in the hallway doing rollcall of our 60 prospective jurors. There were a few who had not yet arrived, but they weren’t that late as I had gone out a bit early to call roll. I went into my explanation of why punctuality in jury selection is important, and was interrupted by a young woman in stripey highlighted hair and a tight pink t-shirt that highlighted her fat rolls, who walked right up to my face way into my personal space while I was in mid-sentence, and said she just got here. I asked for her last name to check her off the list. She then pointed to the courtroom doors behind me and asked, “Should I go in?” I was so irked by this idiocy that I said nonchalantly, “No, everyone’s still out here,” gestured briefly around me. Duh. Over 50 other jurors around us, all wearing Juror ID badges. I didn’t pause or use any inflection to make her feel stupid, I just did my notation on my jury list, and I was happy to hear some of the jurors around me chuckle at her.

Okay, that was mean, but I did tone it down, and I have little patience for stupid questions.

I just got back from checking up on my gym trainee. She’s sore in all the right spots — upper hamstrings, chest under the armpits, middle back — and excited about hitting the gym again. Yay! The only thing is that for my personal benefit, I can’t babysit her in weights daily, or I would never get a good workout in. So I told her today I’ll have her do straight cardio, straight fatburn. She was very agreeable. I think that’s a good plan for her anyway, because I don’t want to burn her body out and having a rest day in between weight-lifting days allows me to hit all the major muscle groups each time we do weights. It’s also optimal for body fat burn. She needs to do a lot of cardio and some toning to help bring the metabolism up.

I can’t believe it’s past 7:30pm and I’m still at work. The stress involved in cleaning up various unusually complicated criminal, civil and family law cases that need special attention and set-aside time is making my back hurt. It’s almost a white-hot pain. Almost cold. And I’m pretty sure I’m crooked right now due to back muscle strains. *sigh*

My supervisor is going to put a floater clerk in my department tomorrow to babysit my current criminal jury trial so that I can finally tackle all those freaking annoying divorce cases sitting in my basket. It’s too bad I’m not a powerful witch who doesn’t care about consequences, or I’d have a gargantuan bonfire in the woods and dance around naked cursing all the nagging divorcees whose files are feeding my fire, cackling gleefully in the full moon. 🙁

Okay, time to finally do my distribution downstairs in the Clerk’s Office and begin the drive home. At least there’d be no traffic by the time I’m able to leave this joint.

I met one of my coworkers at the local 24 Hr Fitness today and trained her during lunch. She’s been to the gym before, but doesn’t have the basics down, so I had to start with some fitness/body education, then spend a lot of time correcting her form. Even with the form instruction, I had to adjust her throughout the set and she had some trouble understanding what it is I want her to do and where I want her elbow to be, etc. She was such a good sport, never complained, did everything I said. She says she doesn’t sweat much, so I know her metabolism’s low, and it took a while, but I was determined to make her sweat and I did. I underestimated the amount of time it takes to work out when I’m training someone inexperienced and need to work in with her, so the first exercise we did, chest flies on a machine, took way too long. The next two, bent-over rows and step-back lunges, I selected because we could do them at the same time. We superset lunges with the rows (free weights) and as she put her opposite knee and hand on the bench for support, the way most people do it, I did mine simultaneously standing on one leg, which allowed me to be next to her w/o needing my own bench. I was hoping to get at least 5 exercises in, but only did 3. At least I did hit every major muscle group. I don’t want to start her off too strong, anyway. We were so short on time that after we were done, I made her do 10 mins on the elliptical while I ran into the locker room to shower. She has a free afternoon and we just got a criminal trial.

When I got back to work, a half-page sized Priority Mail envelope was waiting on my seat. I got my passport! YAY! Taking into consideration the long weekend holiday, it took almost exactly 4 weeks on regular processing (I mailed it out August 2). I feel sheepish that I, as a government employee, am nowhere near as efficient as to only take half the time that we tell the public to expect processing. The new passport is flimsy.

At about 11pm last nite at my parents’, I stretched out on the 3-sectional sofa, my dad lounged on the 2-sectional, my mom curled up in the recliner, and I think all 3 of us fell asleep in front of the TV. When I awoke alone in their living room this morning, it was to the alarm clock my mom had placed by my head sometime in the night, which was saying obnoxiously, “*BING!* It’s six…o’clock…a.m… *BING!* It’s six…o’clock…a.m….” I shut it off and realized my mom had also thrown a blanket over me sometime in the night.

I didn’t know there’s already traffic on the freeway at 6:15 a.m.. I got home close to 6:30a, showered and got ready for work. I think I did this last week or the week before at their house, too. I hope I’m not making a habit of not going home at night.

I’m sitting in my parents’ living room right now, full from my mom’s cooking and fresh lychees and longyans. I don’t recall ever having had fresh longyans before, but my parents said I had in childhood.

How am I blogging from their living room? I’m doing my first ever blog from my new laptop. =)

I know material things shouldn’t make me so happy, but really, is it the material laptop, or the joy from knowing I can now release my innermost thoughts and vent from anywhere? Yeah, uh, it’s the latter.

I’m gonna explore this laptop now and all the programs my friend put in. 🙂

There is something to be said about not making long weekend plans and letting yourself go where the wind takes you. Just some of where it took me:
* new laptop computer as an impulse buy
* hanging w/a good friend who can do all the computer program setups/installations/prep
* new friends’ house for a sumptuous meal of BBQ ribs, garlic bread, baked asparagus, melon balls, pasta salad and caramel apple martinis over great table conversation seated outside in a beautiful backyard w/wonderful weather
* being loved by a happy golden retriever
* casual evening strolls
* easy laughs, good times
* more self discoveries and discoveries about friends

I should not make plans more often.

After my friend dropped me off back at home, I took a nap and then hit the gym for 2.5 hours. 10 minute cardio warm-up, over an hour on the weight floor doing circuits and supersets (3 shoulder exercises, 2 chest, 2 back, 4 leg, at 3 sets of 15 reps each), then 65 minutes on the elliptical trainer. During the elliptical cardio, I was so…bored. It didn’t help that the only TV I could see from my station was showing a college football game. I even set the program on cross-train aerobics, which breaks up the strides into intervals of speed changes, direction changes, arm usage changes, but that didn’t help. After I pedaled for what felt like 30 days, I looked down at the time and damn it, it’d only been 14 minutes. I wanted so badly to quit and go home, and the excuses were making themselves heard. “I supersetted the weights, so I really didn’t give myself a break, so technically I did cardio already AS I was doing weight training.” “I worked out yesterday, so this is sufficient for today.” But I trudged on, combatting the excuses with things like “I didn’t eat well today. Gotta make up for it.” “I would be so disappointed in myself later that I couldn’t stick it out for the entire time just because I was bored.” “I need license to eat like a pig tomorrow, and I’ll probably eat like a pig tomorrow anyway and not work out, so I’d feel better tomorrow if I put in the time today.” “Think of how good you’re gonna feel in another 30 minutes.” “What better thing do you have to do right now?” “Cancun’s coming up.”

I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed now. Geez, it’s already 2am.

My friend picked me up at 7am this morning to go kayaking around Balboa Beach. When I say “kayaking,” I meant that he was kayaking and I just sat there and enjoyed the view. (Once the offer was made that I can just sit there if I want and not paddle, I took him up on it. I did feel bad, tho, but it’s not like I add 200 lbs to his load.) We docked at Balboa Island and had breakfast at a restaurant there. Then we walked around a bit, then he paddled us (hee hee) around a boat that was completely overtaken by fat sea lions, then paddled back to his truck. Next we hung out at his house for a bit and I chatted w/his very lively 14 yr old daughter, then we had a late lunch at a BJs in his area. I’m at BJs way too much. And unfortunately, the reason we went there was because I wanted a framboise Lambic. I’m turning alcoholic.

Among the many topics of conversation, some hilarious, some thought-provoking, some entertaining, we hit upon the issue of my current state of mind re relationships. And I suddenly realized how incredibly jaded and commitment-phobic I am right now. He gave me the same lecture as everyone else: You should still give people a chance; you shouldn’t shut down; the highs and lows of a relationship are good things; not every guy is bad news; the highs in love make the lows worthwhile. I adamantly disagreed with him, as I did with everyone else who has already told me this stuff. I would rather have flat affect re love and not experience any highs if it means I will never feel that low again.

I know this sounds horrible to most people. But let me explain. I was burned badly in the last relationship. And then in the couple pseudo-dating relationships I’ve had since then, the guys have kinda freaked out on me right at the point where I was starting to get attached. Once bitten, twice shy. The last time, I even surprised myself at how low I felt. Ah, the familiar misery, anxiety, befuddlement. Screw that. My threshold mood right now is very high. I grinned like an idiot in the shower this morning just because the hot water felt so good. The feeling of nothing weighing on my mind, that no one has the power to bring me down, that is a level of security and peace that I am, at this point, completely unwilling to give up. Because there’s no one who’s actively making my life miserable presently, I am made happy by so many more things, such small things, like seeing the rounded breast fuzz of a young sparrow, having the freedom to hang out with whomever I want, having the freedom to pick up and go on a whim to visit friends or to vacation somewhere, without consulting anyone else and having to deal with separation anxiety of either party. Even staying late after jujitsu to chat with classmates. I am always so, so happy.

This also explains why I can hang out w/a bunch of different men, but the moment one appears to pursue something nonplatonic, I wig.

Maybe it’ll pass. Maybe meeting the right guy will force it to pass. Meanwhile, I am more than content surrounded by good friends and fun activities.

I just finished printing out my last corrected minute order from yesterday’s calendar. The stack of minute orders that need to replace the ones in the files will just have to go on my supervisor’s desk. I’d already told him about this and he was very supportive, told me we have people who can take care of that busy work for me, just get the calendar entered. Another stack of minute orders to replace the microfilm ones. And today’s calendar is finally done, too.

Thanks, everybody, for your patience and sympathy, emails and calls. Thomas, thanks for being so understanding and dismissive about my sailor cussing and snapping at you; Tim, thanks for calling me and “apologizing” for the day I had when you read my blog. I don’t know how you do it. Talk about newfound appreciation, geesh.

I’m finally going home. 8pm on a Friday nite; I hadn’t eaten all day but now I think I lost my appetite; I was cold but I think the stress evened it out. I feel disoriented, achy and my vision is blurred. Maybe I’ll go home and order a pizza from Five Alarm or Three Alarm or whatever. (Numbers don’t stick with me. I’m an English major.) Perfect day for a hot bath.