cindy's world

Mr. W’s lying on the bed close to where I’m on the computer. I leaned in and touched the tip of my tongue to his upper arm. “It’s a good thing you’re not frozen,” I said. He looked quizzical. I explained, “Cuz then my tongue would stick to you.”
“Yes, it would,” he said. “I used to get my tongue stuck on the window.”
“Why were you licking a window?”
“Cuz in Chicago, it’d get really cold and a thick layer of ice would form on the window, and I’d try to lick it off.”
I paused, then immediately swiveled in the desk chair toward the computer. “I gotta blog this,” I mumbled.
“This was when I was little!” he protested, seeing I was about to make a fool out of him publically online. “It was really cold in Chicago! This was before those cartoons came out where people’s tongues were stuck on poles, so I didn’t know that it could happen. Those cartoons had to come from somewhere! Cuz it’s true! People do things like that!”

But it was too late. All those justifications just added to an already forming blog post.

I was channel surfing late last nite when I saw that Sweet November was playing on TBS. Never seen it, not sure I’d even heard of it, but hey. Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron aren’t bad to look at, and even if Keanu’s acting isn’t up to par, Charlize should carry the movie through.

I sobbed my eyes out. I heaved, my breath spasmed, the core of my chest cavity threatened to implode, my lips quaked. This all happened at the bridge scene toward the end. I was okay till then, just a tear here and there, but at that scene, I felt an overwhelming sense of panic and helplessness, and watching Keanu’s body language at that bridge and finally, his eyes when the scarf came off, was just too much.

Keanu Reeves’ acting seems to have relaxed a lot from those earlier Speed days, and Charlize Theron continues to impress me with her range and depth, especially for someone so new to the biz. It’s hard to imagine that this quirky chirpy character is played by the same actress who played the dark and serious (and acrobatic) Aeon Flux. I really want to buy Sweet November, but I’m not sure I can watch it again. I sobbed and cried for probably 15 minutes after the movie ended and I’d turned the TV off.

Just got back from watching Brokeback Mountain with a bunch of coworkers. Oh! Oh! The discussions one could have about the acting, the realism, the psyches, the social issues, the social issues of the 60s and 70s, the list goes on. It was a beautifully portrayed doomed love story. It makes you want to cry for the inability of love to burgeon outside of a vacuum (even one as beautiful as Brokeback Mountain), the social impossibility of amor vincet omnia. I think Heath Ledger’s Ennis truly was the love of Jack’s life, despite Jack’s other sexual escapades, because of the way Jack’s mother treated Ennis toward the end of the movie. Her clear eyes watched him with love, as if acknowledging that this is the man her son loved, and said against the background of her husband’s gruffness toward Ennis, “You will come back and visit us again?” One of our group felt that Ennis treated his relationship with Jack rather discardedly, but I think they were both the centers of each others’ universe and the other stuff was just to occupy time, and one just dealt with it better than the other.

And then the debate… when do you call a relationship quits? My theory was sorta mocked; I find it easier to put everything into a relationship to try to salvage it, instead of ending it prophylactically. Especially when you have some time invested. My instincts definitely are to run before I get too burned, but what ends up happening is I stay and suffer and toil through it, because I don’t want to get to a point where I doubt my decision to leave by all of the what-ifs. Then I’m vulnerable to being sucked back in. If I stay and don’t leave until I’m sure there is no light at the end of the tunnel, leaving is a last resort and it brings me a sort of peace that I’ve done all I can, and there is no going back. Leaving prematurely makes me susceptible to being sucked back into a limbo thing, where I’m unable to resist midnight booty calls and moments of weakness and the like, and the limbo thing may drag out way longer than actually staying an extra 2 months until you’re sure you must and want to leave. I understand this doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve got 2 friends who draw very hard lines at their decisions — when they decide to leave, they leave, and there is no going back. But I’m more emotional than that, and when my emotions are tugged and confused, I make dumb decisions. Better to let it die a bit first and leave when I’m ready, i.e. when I see that I have no other choice. Why leave when there’s still hope? Just cuz you’re mad? That’s retarded.

P.S. Shout-out: Hi Steve!

The thing with having a blog that one is in the habit of updating daily (or as close to daily as possible), is that when there’s nothing to report, I feel sorta incomplete. Like my day was meaningless. Sure, I can tell you guys that I didn’t go to work out at lunch, and I didn’t eat lunch either, and there were no hearings today in my courtroom and all I did all day was process family law divorce crap, and that I’m sore on the outside of my hips and I’ve acquired some impressive-looking fabric burns on my body, but why would you guys want to read that? Or I can get into the really personal juicy stuff that would probably be TMI for some, get me in trouble with others.

So I guess I’ll tell you guys a joke.

Q: What do you get if you throw a white rabbit into the Red Sea?
A: A wet rabbit.

Yeah, you’re right, I should’ve left the joke out completely. Now it’s worse than having no entry; I have a lame entry that wasted your time.

Sorry.

I was a bad girl today. We had a mandatory meeting the last half hour of lunch today so I didn’t have time to work out. Instead, I ate an entire chicken wet burrito from a local Mexican food restaurant. It was delicious and filled me up enough that I didn’t feel I had to eat dinner before jujitsu. But just to satisfy the munchies with minimal calories before jujitsu, I ate chocolate lite whipped cream. Yup. I just sprayed the sucker into a spoon and licked it off the spoon while I watched Jerry Maguire on TBS. Eight times. At 15 calories every 2 tablespoons, I only consumed 60 calories. Oh, and I ate a large cookie throughout the morning at work. Well, the whipped cream didn’t fill me up and I was hungry after jujitsu so I stopped by McDonald’s on my way back and had two chicken fajita rollups and a regular-size vanilla cone.

I realized in jujitsu today that I’ve now acquired the asexual jujitsu mentality. I saw the discomfort in a new guy’s face in learning to do a knife takedown, and I realized that when it had been my turn wielding the knife, my crotch repeatedly made contact with the blackbelt’s right hand as he forced my knife hand through my legs and then reached for my hand from behind my butt as he kicked my outside leg out and contorted the top leg after I fell. And thought nothing of it. None of us think anything of contact like this, it’s only the new people who are still aware of their personal sexual awkwardness. This class is gonna kill my sex drive.

I’m tired and achy. I’m glad I vacuumed yesterday before jujitsu, cuz I didn’t even have the energy when I got back last nite to sort laundry like I’d planned. I guess today’s goal would be to sort before jujitsu, and to do a load after my return from jujitsu.

There’s a new redhead in the beginner’s class that’s going to be a problem. I was warned about her by someone who knew her in a karate class. But man, when we faced off yesterday to simulate punches and blocks in a drill, she was not doing the friendly sparring thing, the witch. I couldn’t actually punch her so of course I’d pull my punches about 4 inches from her face and/or body, but she was blocking my punches — which contact is permissible — with full-strength strikes and this totally cocky bitchy look on her face. I was stunned when she first did her blocks on me; she hit so hard she’d actually leave a momentary nerve tingling and numbness down my arm before the pain sets in. I haven’t had a jujitsu bruise since the summer session, and now I have a hickey-looking scratch down my left bicep and a bruise on my right upper arm just above the elbow. I can’t wait till we’re allowed to spar.

*sigh* I wish Burke Williams or Glen Ivy were open late. I could use some pampering. But one more session of more advanced jujitsu tonite, and I’m done with the week! The only exercise I’m gonna have tomorrow is whatever my lunchtime gym workout’s gonna be. I think I should give running a pause. My toes hurt.

Oh yeah. This new guy in the class thinks I’m Wonderwoman now cuz I did 20 squats with him on my back during warmups yesterday (he says he weighs 180, but he felt lighter to me). That was pretty flattering.

Oh yeah #2. I seem to be down 5 lbs. I don’t know whether it was just the water weight from the steam room last nite, tho.

Hee hee hee. That’s how I feel. Giddy. Smooth. Hee hee hee.

I just got back home (it’s past 10:30p). After jujitsu, I was wondering aloud why I don’t go to the gym sauna or steam room more often, as sore as I am. One of the girls in the class said she was on her way to 24 Hour Fitness right now. I said, “There’s one around here? Where?” Turned out we were parked close to each other, so I followed her to the 24 Hour Fitness Sport in Fullerton. We stripped down in the locker room and trotted over to the steam room. I was met with a surprise. Turns out this steam room and the sauna are co-ed. I tightened my grip on the towel around my waist. I wasn’t prepared to go in a sauna, so I had no bathing suit. I was in my sports bra and underwear. We went in, rubbed Epsom salt on our skin for its detox qualities, and chatted, dripping, for about 20 minutes. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so we went out and resumed our chatting in the locker room. We chatted so long we dried off and got cold, so we went back into the steam room. The steam was stronger this time; I couldn’t see 2 feet in front of me. So we stayed in there only 10 minutes before I felt myself almost panicking. Then we came out, showered and went our own way.

It was fun, and it turns out we’re both insomniacs. So we may be doing this more often. Maybe even fit in a midnight workout. I feel so relaxed right now, and my skin’s all soft. Hee hee hee.

This article was circulating this week among the sheriffs in the building. It starts off okay, slightly old-fashioned but in a rather fond, sentimental way, and THEN it just goes all awry. Published in Housekeeping Monthly, May 13, 1955 issue:

The Good Wife’s Guide

* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite meal) is part of the warm welcome needed.
* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
* Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
*Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
* Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
* Be happy to see him.
* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first — remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
* Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
* Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
* Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
* Make him comfortable. have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
* Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
* Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
* A good wife always knows her place.

Man, if I married someone worthy of this and we don’t need dual incomes and he would like something like this, no problem. But if he’s an ass at all or a cheater or liar or doesn’t meet me halfway in effort, FORGET IT. I am not helpless or codependent. P.S. I think it needs “keep yourself in good health/shape and keep him in good health” in there. I guess in the ’50s people weren’t as health-conscious.

I barely pulled a 5K run out of my butt earlier. I think the half slice of marble custard cake and 1.5 cookies I ate for my reporter’s bday celebration this morning killed me. I can’t take a large breath cuz my back hurts when I inhale deeply. I don’t even know what to blame it on, jujitsu or the weightlifting yesterday or the daily runs or my cycle being on fatigue week. So to make myself feel better, I’m gonna go have a piece of chocolate right now.

A discussion about a particular pharmaceutical drug came up in jujitsu yesterday. The girl I was talking to, Gloria, was surprised that I didn’t even take aspirin unless I was febrile and deliriously writhing in pain spitting up blood on the floor. She said she’s a walking pharmacy. She described her severe acid reflux problems. And then another girl, Barbara, joined our conversation (I know what you’re thinking…we were not goofing off, we were in line to get tossed around by 5 people in a ring) and she said she was cramping hard on her lower abs from our 800 crunches because she’d had a caesarian when she had her kid years ago and her abs just aren’t the same. Barbara then asked if we noticed how a green belt girl, Dora, across the room from us was in pain throughout the 800 leg lifts. We hadn’t, and I asked what was wrong with her legs. I was informed that Dora has a bone disease which weakens her bones and I guess she’s pretty frequently in pain from overexertion. I suddenly remembered that in the less advanced class yesterday, I saw Josh on the outskirts of the mat hurriedly administering an asthma inhaler.

It hadn’t occurred to me that so many people who do so well in the class have physical restrictions. I think about myself. Even tho I’m older than a lot of people in the class (this greenbelt named Jackie complained that at their last tournament in Arizona, she couldn’t go anywhere after a certain time because she wasn’t old enough to get into bars), I really have no physical ailments to complain about. There should be nothing holding me back except laziness. My body is receptive to conditioning — although not to weight loss — so I should take advantage of it, even at my age, right? The mental strength of the people around me is inspiring.

The class yesterday was great. I hadn’t attended the more advanced class since the summer session. There’s such a difference. After a more grueling warmup and conditioning hour, we hit the defensive exercises. The instructor calls it “five corners”, in which you’re in the middle and surrounded by 5 people who are going to attack you in 5 different ways, one after the other after the other. So the first comes at you with a right punch, which you parry, get in close for a grab around the chest, and kick their leg out from behind like a trip. The second is a knife attack, so you use their momentum and swing their arm around in an arc so that they stab their leg, and you simultaneously trip their knee out as you disarm them. The third is someone coming at you like he’s rushing you, so you do a stop on their foot with yours as you turn their upper body into the stopped leg by pushing with one hand and pulling with the other, and they fall on their side. The fourth is coming at you with another punch, and you run through them with an arm extended like a clothesline and hit their lower back so their feet fly forward and their body, with the sudden stop in momentum, falls back. The fifth attacks you with a bear hold from behind, and you step around them and do a sweep with the arms so that they fall backwards over your extended leg like a windmill panel. When you’re done being attacked, you take the place of the first attacker and then everyone rotates one. I hit hard and I fell hard. It was fun.