cindy's world

I partially swaddled Allie (arms free) and tried to put her down to bed last nite. She had her usual nighttime fit at 9pm, fighting me, refusing to go down, “leh”ing all over the place altho I’d just fed her, sweating, making me sweat, scratching my chest to ribbons with both hands as she made catfight-sounding wauls. At 10:30p I finally gave up, unswaddled her and took her to her nursery, which we rarely use for anything but pumping milk and storage of her clothes and things. I closed the door, put her in her crib and curled up on recliner, intending just to wait it out for a little bit to give myself a break from the screaming. In less than a minute, she was silent. I walked over and peeked in. She was ASLEEP on her fuzzy bear. OMG! I settled back into the La-Z-Boy, curling up horizontally like I used to when I lived on my own and fell asleep in the comfy chair watching TV. Allie stayed asleep happily until almost 2:30am, when I changed and fed her at her request. Then just as easily, she dozed off, I placed her on her back in her crib again as I snoozed in the recliner, and altho she may have awoken here and there, she mainly was able to soothe herself quickly back to sleep and didn’t fully wake up again until past 5:30a for her next feeding. Then 8am for the next feeding. I didn’t have to get up and rock her, silence her, like I had been doing the night before and before I got into the room, and she wasn’t waking up twice an hour. WOW.

I’m trying to following the lactation nurse’s advice yesterday to pump after a morning feeding, but didn’t know how to do that. So this morning, after her 10am feeding, she fell asleep in my arms and I laid her on her back on her changing pad, which I inclined on a pillow. It was hard when she cried a little in the beginning and spit up and I was strapped to the pumps so I couldn’t go to her, but she fell asleep after that on her own and is STILL asleep now from that nap, even tho I moved her to the swing downstairs. Note the time…1:32pm!

WHO is this angel?

I also got a chance to play with her this morning after I changed her. She awoke hungry, but beared (bore?) with me as I massaged her tummy, bicycled her legs, talked to her, and we smiled at each other. Touching her cheek brings on this huge open-mouthed smile, as with touching the tip of my nose to hers. I also made the mistake of leaning down and kissing her cheek while she was eating at one feeding, and she smiled so big my breast fell out of her mouth and I couldn’t relatch her properly.

Here are some photos of her hanging out with her cousin Alexandra yesterday! Alex is 2 months older than Allie, about 3.5 months old right now. Allie is about 6 weeks.
They’re about the same length!!

Allie likes her new cousin.

Alex finally sees my camera!

We were all like this:

Thanks for visiting Babyland!

I’ve gotta learn to blog more concisely with such limited time these days.

Today is Mr. W’s first day back at work, so I took night duty last nite. We switched sides of the bed so that I was by Allie’s rocker sleeper. Putting her down was challenging; she was fussing for awhile and I couldn’t get her to stop crying even though I was holding her. I finally had to use all five “S”s: I swaddled her, turned her on her side in my arms, kept a pacifier in her mouth (sucking), shook her to and fro gently, and shhhh’ed her in her ear. It worked! Thank goodness, because I had run out of “S”s. Keeping her down was another challenge. She basically woke up twice an hour and I had to shhh or rock (often both) her back to sleep. Mr. W didn’t sleep as well as he wanted but better than when he had night duty.

This morning, Mr. W got up at 4:10 am, got ready and left. I noticed that Allie was putting herself back to sleep even tho she was up often with all the morning noise, and I suspected it was because she had worked her right arm out of the swaddle (I could hear her struggling with the swaddle every time she’s swaddled) and had it by her face or head. It seemed to comfort her.

I didn’t know what to do with her while I got ready, so I put her in her cosleeper, turned on the vibration and music, and begged her to just hang on for 10 minutes and not cry too much while I brushed my teeth, washed my face and went to the restroom. I could hear her moving around a bit, but when I peeked in pensively, I saw this:

Wha-? Why can’t this happen at night? She stayed there probably a good half hour while I ran around getting dressed, ready, and cleaned up a bit downstairs, got all the baby stuff in the car. I emailed the photo to Mr. W at work and he responded, “She is so cute when she sleeps unexpectedly.”

I was able to get ready, get her ready, and be out the door at 9am for her 10am lactation appointment. As soon as I got her in the car, I felt great. The sun was shining, and I am successfully mobile. After parking, I couldn’t figure out how to unfold the stroller, tho…none of the buttons and latches worked. So that was my only frustrating point in the day. I finally hand-carried the carseat carrier with her in it to the appointment and got quite the workout.

At the appointment, she was THE PERFECT BABY. I was happy to see the same lactation nurse I’d been with the other 2 times. I pensively showed her 2 photos of Allie’s second poopy blowout from yesterday. The first was yesterday morning when I was at my doctor’s appointment. As relayed to me upon my return, Allie had her very first shower with Mr. W because that poopy squished out the diaper; he said she enjoyed the shower and was happy and smiling. The second blowout was yesterday evening; Mr. W thought it was diahrrea because it was mucousy and very very liquid. The nurse said I can email the photos to the pediatrician to make sure, but in her heart of hearts, she thinks the poopy is fine, not diarrhea, and wet/mucousy is within the very wide range of acceptable breastfed normal poopies. She said Allie looks so robust and healthy that she really doesn’t think something’s medically wrong. Allie drank 4 oz of breastmilk while there and was a happy camper, smiling and not fussing the entire time. It was like a totally different baby today. She fell asleep on the walk from the clinic to the car and stayed asleep for hours in her carrier. Before we left, the nurse took her measurements:
* weight: 11 lbs, 2.3 oz (85th percentile)
* length: 23.9 inches (off the charts; past the 95th percentile, the nurse was impressed and said this was really rare for her to see)
* head circumference: 38.2cm/15 inches (65th percentile)
So she’s tall and lean, according to the nurse. She said if Allie were her family member, she’d be very proud at how healthy and robust she is. She told me I rock, and look at how “in love” Allie is already with me, the way she looks at me! I said Allie looks at everyone like that; the nurse said, “She didn’t look at ME that way!”

I asked when I should stop swaddling; she said, “Oh, she’d HATE to be swaddled now.” She explained that older babies like Allie want their hands free to put at their faces; some babies even hide their eyes with their arm. She said it makes them feel very vulnerable to have their hands locked down by their sides in swaddle. That would explain this morning. I have yet to tell Mr. W this. His theory is that having her hands free makes her feel insecure and wakes her up as they move in her nocturnal jerks and swings.

I asked when I should start pumping to prepare for my return to work. The nurse seemed alarmed and told me I should’ve started already. “You don’t know how many phone calls we get in here from mothers saying they have to get back to work but their baby won’t take the bottle!” So apparently by this point, I’m supposed to be pumping and storing after one morning feeding, and replacing one afternoon/evening feeding with freshly pumped milk bottlefed to her by someone other than me. Getting one bottle a day lets her know others can feed her in other ways. “Especially with how much she’s in love with you already, she will definitely prefer your skin to a bottle if you don’t get her on the bottle once a day now.” So I did the evening pump today and Mr. W fed it to her. Unfortunately, babies are more efficient than pumps so I only got 60 ml (2oz) out for her. She’ll be hungry again soon.

After the appointment, I went to part 2 of my day: visiting at my cousin Jennifer’s. The two babies were both asleep when we first got together; Allie slept in her carrier for HOURS. It was great chatting with Jen and my aunt. (Jen and I were deeply in a conversation about how to store pumped milk in bags when my aunt, her mom, turned to us and said, “You two are so BORING!”) We hung out all day, my aunt cooked a healthy homemade lunch for us, and they were GREAT at relaying their experiences and counseling me about my neuroticism. I was in such a good mood all day, Allie woke up, ate, went back to sleep for HOURS on my shoulder. The whole day everyone commented at how beautiful and easy/quiet Allie is. Wow. Jennifer also observed Allie looks at me with an enamored expression on her face.

Mr. W seemed to have a pretty decent day at work. I am so grateful to him; what a trooper daddy he is for the past 6 weeks of baby duty and mommy training me. He does/did more than any father I have ever heard of. But we both came out of his leave okay, I think. I’ll be taking night duty daily now that he’s back at work; I hope Allie’s behavioral changes continue in the positive direction.

i’m blogging with my right hand only because a brand new little person is sleeping in my left, against my left shoulder after my failed attempt in burping her. *rubbing my left temple on the back of her fuzzy li’l head*

had my 6-wk postnatal apptmt with my ob earlier. hubby took an extra day off today to watch allie, so i made him an overdue optometry apptmt today, where he is now. after my 30 lb preg weight gain (i think i maxed out at 156 lbs), i’m now close to back at my pre-preg weight (128 lbs now). i tried wearing my wedding/engagement rings yesterday and they fit. pelvic exam shows i’ve healed from labor. the stitches just have to dissolve on their own, my skin healed over them well.

as for mentally, my ob said i’m “normal for [my] personality.” he doesn’t think i have an actual psyche disorder, & wanting to hyperclean or hypercontrol housework because i can’t control the baby is common. because i’m meticulous, in-control, organized, systematic by nature, & because i’m an older new parent accustomed to doing things my way for a long time, & i’m educated & have expectations.

baby up & crying now. gotta go!

After the Night of Hell came a Night of Angelic Peace, where she went straight down without even a whimper at 9:30p after I fed her upstairs, and didn’t wake up until a feeding was needed about 6 hours later, then she went right back to sleep and we put her down easily again. The night after was a mediocre night. She fussed a little when we tried to put her down, but not for too long; maybe 20 minutes or so. She got up every 4 hours to eat, but we were okay with that. Then last nite was another night of hell; Mr. W told me he’d take her after I fed her at 7:30p, so I could go to bed early. I heard her fussing and crying until 9p when he tried to bring her up to bed. She basically refused to go to sleep (altho she’d doze a minute or two with Mr. W’s efforts, but she fought it and would wake right back up and go right into her crying fit). I fed her again in the middle of this, and it took until well past midnight for her to finally go down for the night. Then she woke up every 3-4 hours for feeding or diaper changes, which was all right. So I’m beginning to think it all just averages out anyway.

My nerves are still frayed. I think I’m getting psychosomatic symptoms to the anxiety. I was thinking the other day I seemed to have general anxiety disorder (GAD), but in a looong hour+ of holding her asleep in my arms in bed when I was afraid to move, so that Mr. W can catch up on his sleep, I figured out that the problem is that my world has shrunk so much since I’ve been off on maternity leave. In this microcosmic world, there’s just the baby, me, and Mr. W with the stepdaughter, my parents, and my friends on the periphery. So given that this world is so small, what’s the worst thing that could happen in it? The baby could cry and fuss and carry on. So my body has assigned that an 8 (out of 10) in anxiety response. I’m nauseated, scared, unable to fall asleep, have pressure on my chest, loss of appetite, and was emotional. Mr. W had said, “So what if she cries? Babies cry.” True, and my level of response is totally disproportionate to the stimulus. My blood pressure is probably through the roof; I can always feel my heart palpitating, it seems. Multiple times today, when I got up, I’d get lightheaded and would have to brace myself against the bed or wall until my vision returned to normal. And the fact that Mr. W is going back to work in 2 days? Half of my team is going to be gone. My body is reacting to that as if he’s going to be gone for 3 months instead of just 12 hours a day (he plans on getting to the gym by 5am, showering for work at 6:15a, napping during lunchtime, and he’ll probably get home between 4:30-5:30p, depending on the workload). I have my post-natal checkup tomorrow morning, anyway.

To cut down on her daytime crying (altho there have been some improvements), we tried the Seven Sling. I think their sizes run small, because once I finally figured out the stupid instructions and got set up, I couldn’t open the fabric up wide enough to shove her in there. Mr. W could do it by wearing the sling deliberately wrong, across his neck rather than across his shoulder, but that gives me back pain.

Every time I tried for 2 days, the 2nd day after watching tons of how-to videos online, we ended up with her screaming from being squished in my attempts to shove her in with her head stuck out, or a limb would get caught, and we always struggled to free her with her screaming again, being crushed. I finally gave it up. There are other ways to carry her in the Seven Sling, such as just having her butt in there and sitting her upright instead of having her cradled in there, but since she’s only 5 weeks old, they don’t recommend a carry that doesn’t have her head supported. I think she’s just too large of a baby for the infant cradle carry, altho I guess she’s able to keep her head up for lengthy amounts of time on her own, which she started being able to do super-early, like week 2-3 or something.

So yesterday I practiced with the Infantino Flip Carrier. All the straps looked intimidating, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought once I was able to put the carrier on by myself and set the straps to the right settings. This morning, while she was fussing, I put her in it and wore her around as I put the dishes from the dishwasher away, and ate some cereal. She went quiet and sleepy almost immediately after getting in. Right now I’m blogging with her sleeping in it.

I think we might have a winner. Mr. W feels it’s too bulky for home use and he might be right, but I’m desperate. I think we’re gonna go carrier-hunting today to find something fabric, easy, and effective. I looked up the Mobi carrier, but that was even more fussy with even more “pockets” to take into consideration than the sling. =P