Now that Allie’s almost 10 weeks old, her development advances day-to-day. It’s really remarkable. One day I look down at her and I’m like, “When’d your hands get so big? When’d YOU get so big?”
A couple of weeks ago, she found her fists. Since then, she’d been slurping on the backs and knuckles of her little balled up fists, drooling down her fingers. A couple of days later, she learned to grasp. Sitting at her high chair, she’d reach for the burp cloth and pull it toward her and hold it at her chest, then bring it up to her mouth. She hasn’t learned to grip larger or heavier objects, yet. I’m glad for now. She still dislikes tummy time and will cry so I don’t do much of it, but having done it just a few times, she has quickly learned to keep her head and chin off the ground surface for up to 5 minutes now.
When I’m burping her sitting up, I hold the burp cloth vertically under her chin in case there’s a lot of spitup. Now she holds it herself to her chest, and if she does spit up, she instantly shoves the stained part right in her mouth and starts sucking at it. “Nooo, you just spit that out! Don’t put it back in!” I’d say as I try to pull it away from her. When I do, she’d get upset and whine, “Lehhhhh!” like I’m stealing her milk from her.
She’s also learned to coo in the past couple of weeks, pretty much right when she turned 2 months. The vowels are what’s coming through, “ay,” “al,” “owl,” “eye,” “ooh.” Now both she and Dodo say “owl.” She also occasionally razzes as bubbles come out between her lips and tongue like she’s a little crab. The cooing is often directed at someone, and I think she’s trying to communicate. When I talk to her facing her, she concentrates really hard on my mouth and I can see her own lips quivering as she unconsciously tries to imitate me. She ALMOST seems to say her own name. “Who’s mommy’s pretty little girl?” “Aaaallie.” It’s just a variation of “al,” really.
Now that she’s easier to put down for naps as I’m reading her drowsy signs better and being more aware of her 1-2 hour maximum awake times, I simply put her over my shoulder, hum softly as I walk her around, and she’ll doze over my shoulder. I feel her get limp and I walk to a mirror and see her eyes closed. Then I’ll set her down on her tummy on the couch or today, for the first time, on her tummy in her crib. She’s always supervised if she sleeps on her tummy. The transfer has gotten much easier, too. The sleep book was right; when a baby naps regularly, she sleeps more easily, period. The first week of it nearly killed me, though, trying to set her up for motionless sleep instead of being held and rocked. She’s happiest after a long nap and in the morning when she wakes up. I sit her up in the Boppy on the couch like a big girl after her diaper change and first feeding, and I kneel on the ground in front of her and we sing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” while I touch each of the body parts on her that I’m singing about. She coos along, smiling and laughing (not “hahaha” yet, but more like a breathy “hehhhh!” or a sharp inhale one-syllable giggle sound). She especially likes when I get to “toes” and will coo along in rhythm with the “toes.”
Me: Head, shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes!
Allie: Oooh,…ooh, ooh!
Mr. W wants to video it one of these days.
I’ve advanced her last feeding to between 7:30p and 8p, but depending on the day, she may go to sleep anywhere between 8p and 10p. Last nite, for example, she was overtired from having crappy naps since the afternoon. My mom came over around noon as she usually does on Fridays, and Allie was already napping on the couch. My mom hovered over her and tried to move Allie’s hand away from her face, manipulate her pacifier, saying that Allie can’t breathe. Allie was breathing fine, I could see her nostrils perfectly and they weren’t not obstructed. I’m all about the priority being that Allie gets the maximum hours of undisturbed sleep. My mom is about something else. She sat right at Allie’s head, talked to me, and it roused Allie. Then I had to keep waving my mom’s hand away and saying, “She’s fine! Let her sleep!” Eventually Mom told me to go eat in the kitchen and that she’d take over watching Allie. Of course I heard Allie rousing within a couple of minutes and I saw my mom patting her back and messing with her hands and pacifier. The rest of the time was trying to get Allie to settle back down, and it didn’t really work. I’d given up trying to get my mom to leave Allie alone because her hands were quicker than mine and was constantly rearranging Allie’s hands and pacifier. At least I didn’t let her move Allie’s head cuz she said facing the same direction would make Allie’s neck sore. So Allie didn’t nap well. My mom eagerly offered to pick Allie up and hold her to sleep, and I told her no, once picked up, she’s not going to sleep anymore. Eventually, I had to admit defeat and just pick Allie up from where she was crying and struggling on the couch, her naptime over. She was in my mom’s happy arms after that.
For her next naptime yesterday, my mom wanted to soothe her to sleep so I let her, but mom has trouble following my directions. She had Allie up on her shoulder so I said we’ll then just put her down on her stomach on the couch again, since that was the way she was laying against my mom. She said okay, but then soon rearranged a drowsy Allie so that she was laying on her back in my mom’s arms. I said since she was laying back, we’ll put her in her crib on her back. That means I’d have to swaddle her. We walked up to Allie’s room, I set up the swaddle and asked my mom to set her down on it with her head above the fabric. Mom placed her too high, so I had to move her again, then in swaddling her, my mom asked me, “Why are you wrapping her up all tight?” I had to explain about Allie’s nocturnal jerks waking her up as she naps on her back, and my mom kept talking, so Allie was now totally awake. I gave up and said she’s not tired enough to put down yet. My mom eagerly plucked her up to resoothe her. I left them upstairs for a few minutes then returned to put Allie down. My mom refused and said Allie wasn’t asleep long enough yet. I eventually made my mom give her up, then I swaddled and Allie was put down on her back sleeping soundly within seconds. I asked if mom was going to stay there for awhile and she said yes, and I went downstairs. My mom followed soon after to tell me how well Allie was sleeping. I turned on the baby cam, checked email, then realized my mom had disappeared. I checked the cam and saw mom upstairs in Allie’s room again, hovering over her crib. I didn’t think anything of it until 10 minutes later, I heard Allie make a sound, clicked on the cam and saw my mom unswaddling Allie and picking her up. I went upstairs. “What are you doing?” I asked her.
“She woke up. She was trying to get out.”
“Babies always move in their sleep. You just leave her alone or give her the pacifier and she’ll go back to sleep,” I told my mom over Allie’s now loud crying. Poor Allie was so tired, she didn’t get a good enough nap and I know that now she wasn’t going to sleep because she was picked up and disturbed. My mom ignored me and kept singing to Allie, bouncing and walking her over her shoulder. I gave up and went downstairs. For the next 20-30 minutes I listened to Allie wail, and saw my mom walking around with her in the nursery. I was not going to be able to help Allie nap until after her grandma leaves, I knew. Hoping mom learned something, I left them alone until it was 4pm, the time my mom said she was going to leave. Then I went upstairs and tried to take Allie, telling my mom it was after 4. She ignored me and kept holding Allie, singing. I said, “Didn’t you want to leave at 4? You’re gonna hit traffic.”
“I always hit traffic when I leave anyway.”
I stood there awhile with them, then finally, my mom said, “It’s 4:15? So fast!” I took Allie and walked her to the front door. Allie stopped crying, finally, and was looking warily alert. “She’s happy now! Aww, now I don’t want to leave,” my mom said, opening the door. We waved goodbye to grandma, thanked her for visiting, and I went to feed Allie.
That evening, for the first time since I’ve had her napping down (which is about 3 days), Allie had one of her old bouts of evening fussiness. Mr. W wasn’t happy when I told him what had happened with all Allie’s messed up naps. He tried to soothe Allie into an early evening nap and even snapped at the stepdaughter twice when she went up to Allie, put her face level, and teased Allie. “Stop stimulating her! You guys don’t respect the baby’s naptimes cuz you don’t have to be around when she’s overtired and cranky!” The old “witching hour” luckily didn’t last an hour, and I fed her early and tried to put her down to bed early. Although she fell asleep easily while feeding, it took her about an hour to settle into a deep sleep for the night. I did have to do the pacifier thing. I had to do it again after her 2am feeding, too.
Today, we’re taking Allie to Diamond Bar for her 2nd weekend visit of grandma and grandpa’s house. Since we’re doing the traveling, I get to control when we go. I’m giving her two solid naps under my control before we go. She went down easily for her morning nap and slept 1.5 hours in her crib. Just as easily, she went down for her early afternoon nap and it’s been 1.5 hours already and she’s still solid, as just confirmed on the baby cam. This way, even if she misses her early evening nap, she won’t be that badly off.
I had my appointment with the Psychiatry Dept this morning. Mr. W stayed home with Allie after he put her to nap on the couch.
I filled out a 4-page questionnaire and a guy named Ben came and got me, and we talked in his office. He basically validated all of my feelings, didn’t think they were out of line or crazy. He doesn’t think I have actual clinical OCD, altho he mentioned something called “mother’s OCD” or something like that, which is when new moms suddenly go on a compulsive need to tidy up and clean house constantly, or become hyper-vigilant about cleanliness in general, especially around or regarding their child. He didn’t even think an episode I had last nite, which Mr. W felt was very OCD, was anything other than “you were just pissed.” (Allie had another odd 2am feeding, and after I fed her, I realized the stepdaughter had left the light on downstairs when she went to bed so I had to go down and turn it off. Then I saw a wadded up blanket she’d left on the couch. That got me in a cyclical angry thought about all the stuff she’d left laying around in the past couple of weeks, how many things I’d had to put away for her after leaving them there for 3 days to give her a chance to clean them up herself, and because we’d talked to her about her need to pick up after herself and because she had agreed and understood and then talked about how she goes to her new bf’s place and cleans up after him and his roommates all the time, and because she’d offered before to “help out more” around our house and didn’t, I was FUMING. I kept thinking of how she sleeps in every morning and can’t even take 5 seconds to put her stuff away from the common areas and I wake up at 4a and have to do it one-handedly while holding an infant, and the conversation I WANT to have with her regarding this. Allie had rolled over after her feeding and miraculously went out like a light within a minute or two, but I laid in bed unable to take advantage of it for 3+ hours. Mr. W woke up and asked what the problem was, and I unloaded. He patted me and gently said this is stuff I need to tell the therapist in the morning, that I’m way too upset about stuff that’s way too insignificant, but I got worse and worse until I was sobbing. He got up and tidied up downstairs in the wee hours despite my protest and I was left in the dark alone with my guilt, tears, and an iPad showing the solidly sleeping form of Allie.) Ben said the stepkidlet acts in a way that could be considered disrespectful to the household and that she’s simply unaware of how to be more considerate in a home with a newborn. He said I can simply talk to her and let her in on how I feel about having to pick up after her, or have her dad talk to her. (When I returned home, turned out Mr. W had already talked to her in my absence, which is great cuz I don’t want to bring up a freakin blanket and some shoes and seasoning and fork like it’s the end of the world, despite how dramatically I reacted to it.) As for the crying, inability to make decisions or project forward into the future, inability to feel bonded to Allie or “enjoy” her, walking on eggshells around the baby, he said it’s normal hormonal stuff with “baby brain.” Re my guilt about ruining Mr. W’s life, he said it’s Mr. W’s baby, too, and that when Mr. W offers help, to let him help and take the baby and to allow the father the opportunity to bond with his child. (Yes, Flip Flop Girl had already said as much in a comment before.) Even if Mr. W doesn’t offer to help, it’s okay to ask for his help so that I could take a shower or use the restroom or something. He said there’s no guilt in that. The only time I should feel guilt is when I deliberately hurt or plan to hurt someone, myself or the baby, which is not the case here. He said I’m not giving myself credit for the things I’m doing well with the baby, and that nothing I do or feel this first year is my “fault.”
I didn’t expect someone to justify all of my feelings and reactions. It made me feel like I’d wasted my time there.
And in the end, he referred me to a female therapist he thought would be a good fit for me to talk to and made me an appointment on Valentine’s Day. I was hesitant because I didn’t have baby care and didn’t want Mr. W to take another day off for my appointment. Ben said if I can’t find baby care, to take her along. I was concerned it would be disruptive to her routine. He got quiet. I asked if he felt that it was important or beneficial to me and my baby’s care to go to therapy. He said he really did, so I finally agreed. My mom has offered to take a day off to care for Allie, and I’d accepted. (“There’s nothing a grandparent can do that would permanently affect an infant,” he said regarding my concern she may not do what I would do when caring for Allie.)
On my way out, I asked if there’s any way to document this for work. He said sure, the therapist he put me with for the next appointment can set all that up, refer me to a psychiatrist who could do an psychological evaluation on me, and then set me up for an extra month off on disability. So there are more hoops to jump through, and now I was more confused. I need to be referred by the next person to a psychiatrist? Then who is Ben? Who’s the next person? How many more therapy sessions would I need to sit through to get something to show work so that I could use paid sick days and take that additional stressor off my plate?
Just now I checked Kaiser’s website for my past-visit information. It says Ben is a MFT. What’s that? Mother-effing trainee? I didn’t mean that, he was very nice. And it says my diagnosis is “Adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and depressed.” Can I just print that out and fax that to work? Cuz I’m not ENJOYing feeling like this, as effective as it is in dropping 40 lbs in 2 months.
P.S. As I was finishing the post, the stepdaughter came back into the house through the garage, went straight to the restroom then her room, closed the door behind her, and in half an hour or so left again through the garage. Even tho she could see me at the computer, she didn’t come by or say a word. I’m feeling guilty like she’s upset at me for the talk she had with her dad this morning, but that’s ridiculous because I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m going to tell myself that if she’s offended that I’m unhappy picking up after her, then that’s not my problem. I still folded her towels from the laundry and placed them on her chair in her bedroom.
Allie must’ve heard me cry uncle. And she must’ve felt bad, too, because she was a perfect angel yesterday. In the morning, she laughed and cooed along with me as we sang some songs while she sat like a big girl upright in her Boppy. Then she went down for a nap on her back in the crib for half an hour. Then she got up, ate, and sat like a big girl in the Boppy on our bed as I washed my face and got ready. She smiled at me, didn’t fuss at all. She recently found her hands, so she was busily sucking on her fists as she looked around. And THEN, she went down in her crib for half an hour on her back. Her nocturnal jerks kept waking her up, so I swaddled her after half an hour of constantly trying to pacifier her. After that, she slept for AN HOUR AND A HALF. For her afternoon nap, I managed to get her transferred from my shoulder to a sofa cushion and with the aid of patting her back and a pacifier, she fell back to sleep and napped there for another half hour. She only got 10 minutes of her next nap because Mr. W’s friends came to visit her. Despite that, she was lovely, smiling and cooing at them. I’d expected her to sleep on our way to dinner after Mr. W got home, but she stayed in her carseat wide awake, didn’t fuss at all as she usually does against the seat restraints. She also stayed wide awake and smiley in her carseat at dinner with us. She was SO good that Mr. W’s two friends offered to come babysit for us in the next few weeks or subsequent weekends so we could have some grownup time out. Way to go, Allie! Way to trick Auntie Yvonne and Auntie Yvette! She fell asleep at 6:30p in the carrier finally, and slept on the way home. I thought because she missed 2 afternoon naps, she’d want to go down for the night earlier, and fed her at 7:30p instead of after 8p. Nope, she stayed up and kicked around, and I had to do the pacifier thing with her whimpering every time it fell out until she finally fell asleep a little after 9pm. Weirdly, she had a nighttime feeding this time at 2:30am when she normally stays down till 4-6a, but I figure she had dinner early, too. She next woke up around 6:30a and we started our day with a 7am feeding so we’re on track.
Right now I got her to nap on her tummy on the couch, transferred tearlessly from my shoulder, sans pacifier. With all the getting ready noises and loud Christian music coming from the stepdaughter right now, I’ve had to keep running there to pat her back to sleep when she rouses, but she’s still down. I’ll have to load photos later when I get a chance, maybe this evening. I just need her to stay on this nap till 10a and she’ll be rested and in a good position for a 10a feeding, then 3 hours later a 1p feeding before we have to leave for Gymboree.
She may be on to a new phase, one with longer alertness, more playfulness, less crying. But I’ve jinxed us before by counting my chickens before they’re hatched.
BTW, was hoping to make new parent friends at Gymboree. Haven’t done that yet with the 2 times I’d gone, but the 2nd time I did see who I want to avoid. 2 women were talking about some other woman in the class. “The one who wears waaaaay too much makeup? On Saturdays.”
“Yeah.” Some more catty stuff I tuned out as I tended to putting Allie in her carrier.
*sarcastically* “I hope you’re not offended if I don’t invite them to [my baby’s] birthday party.”
“Ha. I’d be offended if you DO invite them, knowing how I feel about them.”
WTF. And these are 2 large frumpy women, too. Mr. W said it’s sour grapes for them.
*** added 2-2-12: the 2 ways that Allie naps, photos taken the day of the above post:
The Tearless Couch Set-Down
The In-Crib Back Swaddle