cindy's world

After I sent off Brad and Val in the late afternoon, I turned in the lobby to go back to the elevator when I was stopped by a sheriff friend standing behind the security counter, calling me and waving me over. I stood on the public side of the high counter as he stood inside the little security office facing me. He said in a low voice, “Hey. You wanna see a lobster?”

I looked at him suspiciously. My mind raced with the possibilities of what he may be about to say to me, or worse yet, expose to me. “Is that a euphemism?” I asked. I thought he responded affirmatively, which made me not want to play any further, since there were other patrons of the court, sheriffs, security personnel, and security cameras in the lobby. He whispered for me to go into the security office. I stood there unsurely. “Come in!” he said more firmly. So I did. He pointed me to a nylon canvas mini cooler, and unzipped it. I imagined what would be about to jump out at me as I become the butt of some joke I didn’t yet understand. Nothing jumped out. I peered in.

I was actually looking at a large live lobster with its tail curled underneath him barely contained in the tiny cooler.

Well, I’d suspected they were out to make me feel stupid, and feel stupid I did.

My male friend just wrote me this email:

A 78-year-old woman in Atlanta has been indicted for shooting to death her 85-year-old boyfriend in an old folks home because he was seeing another woman.

You can never trust a woman, no matter how old she gets. Never.

I was talking to a friend earlier, and he told me about the death of some guy who had a beastiality fetish. The guy apparently went up to some farm that caters to beastiality fetishes and he was being screwed in the butt by a horse, and because horses are really well hung, he ended up with a ruptured colon and had to be rushed to the emergency room, where he died from its complications.

But when my friend told this to me, he didn’t say that the guy went up to a beastiality fetish place. He just said the guy went to a farm and got screwed in the ass by a horse and that gave him a ruptured colon. So I was really confused, and I asked, “Wait, how did the horse get his clothes off?”

He said, “No, you ‘tard! It’s a beastiality farm! The guy went there TO get screwed by a horse. A horse didn’t come up to him and say, ‘Hey, how you doin’? Can I buy you a carrot?’ ”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I’m STILL laughing at that mental picture, and this conversation was over an hour ago! You know how sometimes something someone says just hits your funny bone and every time you think about it for the next year, you bust up? I can’t stop laughing! I re-read what I wrote and I laugh! HAHAHAHAHA! Omg, I’m sweating, I’m laughing so hard! *gasp gasp* *tear falls*

Since the past weekend has been so hot, I started dropping two cubes of ice in my cat’s water bowl. My Asian genes won’t let me turn on the central AC to cool down a 2-story house just for me and the cat, so I mainly hang out at home naked. One such day, I looked over to Dodo and thought if I’m this hot and I’m hairless, then my poor kitty in his little dense fur coat must be suffering. So I dropped some ice in his water. He very happily licked the bobbing ice from the bowl.

So now, he would come up to me and do his “I need something” meow. I’d get up, and he’d lead the way to his food area. There’s food still in his bowl, water still in the water bowl, so what could he possibly want? He just sits there staring straight at his food/water, waiting. The first time, I added a tad more food in the food bowl, but he didn’t make a motion toward it and just sat there staring. So that wasn’t it. I shrugged and returned to the couch. He came back, did the “I need something!” meow more urgently, so I again got up and followed him. He again led me to the food area. I finally got it and dropped the ice cubes in. He instantly positioned himself over the water bowl and lapped eagerly.

Man, does this mean that in the wintertime, I’m gonna have to nuke his water for him?

“Friends” was playing on DVD when I put my nose into the little glass sugar bowl. (Don’t ask.) Right then, Chandler said something funny and I laughed, blowing sugar all over my face and the front of my body.

Little girls are made of sugar n’ spice n’ everything nice.

… Perhaps I should go get ready for dinner with my parents and cousins’ family now.

How bored does someone have to be to drink the remainder of a bottle of cough syrup? By remainder, I mean roughly 2.5 tablespoons (7.5 teaspoons). I’ve decided I need to cut back on alcohol, since I don’t like the way my stomach is starting to look. Not that I drink much. So maybe it’s all in my head that the 3 drinks I had this week are sitting on my stomach. I wonder how many calories are in cough syrup.

Man, I’m losing it. I think it’s cabin fever. As soon as my load is out of the dryer I’m hittin’ the gym.

Married Guy (see 7-30-05 post “TOO Friendly?“): Cindy’s gonna lead the class on the warm-up throws.
Me: No I’m not, stop putting words in my mouth!
(This continues for the next few minutes, in which Married Guy “vouches” that I’d expressed desire to lead the throws.)
Blackbelt: Cindy, you’re gonna lead the throws?
Me: No I’m not. Don’t listen to [Married Guy]. A couple of weeks ago he told [Creepy Guy] (see 6-27-05 entry “1st Day of Jujitsu“) something about me claiming to be [Creepy Guy]’s girlfriend, and he would not let it go!
Blackbelt: [chuckling] [Creepy Guy]’s…got a lot to offer…
(The instructor and I made eye contact, and he started smiling, watching me for my reaction, which was to bite my tongue with visible difficulty in self-restraint.)

(Later, as the New Girl led the class on throws and the Blackbelt was next to follow her, she did a back fall, back roll over right shoulder, back fall, back roll over left shoulder. At least, she twice attempted the back roll over her left shoulder and failed twice. Finally she gave up.)
Josh: (jokingly) We’re following [the New Girl]’s lead, right?
Blackbelt: Yes. You have to do it exactly the way she did it. (He then proceeded to do the back fall but did some fancy lift-up back roll instead of rolling over his shoulder.)
Me: That is so not how she did it!
Blackbelt: Are you giving me a hard time? Why’re you picking on me?
Married Guy: She’s picking on you because she likes you.
Me: [Married Guy], stop putting words in my mouth!
Blackbelt: I have a lot to offer, too.
Me: (after hesitation) We’ll see.
Married Guy: See, she likes you. She wants to see what you have to offer.
Me: Stop it! Stop causing trouble!

(still later, during floorwork warm-ups, where we do a lot of verbal goofing off w/the instructor)
Instructor: You guys are all coming in tomorrow, right? Wear your street clothes. We’re not going to work out. We’re going to have a potluck and a movie. The girls are gonna wear grass skirts.
Me: And that’s it.
Random Student: I’m gonna bring a weed whacker.

Had a great time laughing in class, as usual, in-between obtaining new bruises. Too bad tomorrow’s the last day for the semester. The antics are fun, albeit very sophomoric. Wait. Isn’t that what my horoscope warned me against doing today? Oh well, too late now.

Yesterday, we were waiting for all the criminal trial attorneys to arrive so that we can address a written question the deliberating jurors had sent out. I started to tell the DA the gist of the question, and the judge (who was sitting on the bench) stopped me and said, “Actually, Mr. [Private Defense Counsel] hasn’t heard the question yet, so let’s hold off until he gets here. Just in the parody of fairness.”

Parody of fairness, I mused. How interesting that the judge would mock himself like that.

The judge glanced at me silently from the bench, then said, “Cindy, that’s P-A-R-I-T-Y, not P-A-R-O-D-Y.”

Oh! That changes everything! To the exact opposite meaning. “I was actually thinking P-A-R-O-D-Y,” I said, laughing.

“I know you were,” the judge said. Man, I’m not sure if it’s a good thing that people can read me that easily.

I got this joke via email and it’s an oldie but goodie:

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.” Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.

I found a new PMS emotion! Severe shock. I read in an old friend’s blog that he was LA-bound this weekend, a mere 30 miles away from me, while I was chatting with him online on Instant Messenger. So I instantly wrote to him:

Me (10:58:13 AM): You’re in LA this weekend?! When???
Friend (10:58:26 AM): oh right now!
Me (10:58:41 AM): YOU’RE IN LA RIGHT NOW???
Friend (10:58:46 AM): yeah!
Me (10:58:55 AM): ?!?!
Me (10:58:59 AM): WHERE???
Friend (10:59:06 AM): haha in santa monica
Friend (10:59:20 AM): over at [another friend’s apartment] right now
Me (10:59:24 AM): !!! When’d you get in???
Friend (10:59:54 AM): yesterday afternoon
Me (10:59:58 AM): WHAAAAAT???

And then I thought, “Why am I so SHOCKED??” It’s not like he doesn’t come down semi-regularly, or travel really regularly to even farther places. Then it hit me. PMS. I know from experience that PMS makes all the emotions stronger which causes the roller-coaster effect. But I’ve never been severely SHOCKED before.