cindy's world

Mr. W’s ex, I found out on Sunday, has been making some negative judgment statements about me and W. She found out about me a couple of weeks ago when some mystery person decided to tell her some made-up story about seeing me and W together. The story was complete crap, it never happened. His ex started asking their mutual friends questions, and then last week became negatively vocal as she heard more rumors (which I don’t even think are founded) from her unnamed source. I don’t know who’s coming up with and telling her all this garbage, but the person’s clearly just trying to create conflict. By the way, this ex isn’t even a recent ex; this is an ex from 5 years ago; he’s had other girlfriends since then, and she’s currently got a boyfriend, so I’m not sure what her problem is with me.

I have a close friend who, since high school, has attracted aggressive male attention wherever she goes. Men just fall all over themselves to talk to her, and I never get as many calls or male visitors in my courtroom as when she just visited for lunch. Grace had said a few years ago (before she met Justin), “I wish I could live her life for just one day, just to see what it’s like to be her and have all these men after me.” I can’t say I haven’t wished for the same thing before, but throughout college and thereafter, I have seen the dark side of the life of this friend. Sure, there are a lot of men after her, but she has always been the victim of ridiculous rumors, everything from “I heard she got really drunk at a frat party and there were men lined up around the bedroom to do her” to a bartender claiming he actually made out with her in his car outside her regular bar. These rumors are untrue, extremely hurtful to her, and insanely widespread. I think the downside to having so many men fawning after you is that there are lots of angry, rejected and jealous men who are petty and vengeful.

I have a coworker who engaged in a rather controversial relationship years after she divorced her husband. She started dating her ex-husband’s relative, and I remember there being some negative judgment about that as well, either from the family or just random people who have no place talking. Probably both. She kept the faith in her relationship, never let the talk bother her, and at their wedding a few years ago, her daughter made a touching speech and toast tearfully thanking her new stepfather for “making my mom so happy.” To this day, this couple is tight, loyal, and yes, happy. They’d sorta been my inspirational model for the perfect relationship in the real world.

Still, I can’t help but think about my youthful relationships when boyfriends had no petty exes, there was no past to overcome or compete with, and no past girlfriends whom boyfriends refuse to let go or who refuse to let go of the ex-boyfriend. Well, people don’t talk, create havoc or even pay much attention unless they’re unhappy, bitter or jealous, right?

I think the bottom line is that I like my life, I have enjoyed the male attention and dealt with the female “haters”, and if rumors go with it because I’m now seeing someone, then so be it, I’m not trading it in for the happiness I have found in my present life.

This past weekend was a long weekend (Columbus Day on Monday) so Mr. W and I did an impromptu weekend at Palm Springs. I don’t think I’d ever gone there before, just passed by it on the way to Palm Desert/Indio with my ex Gary. We stayed in a luxury fully-furnished two-bedroom condo that belongs to a coworker who has timeshare. I had a blast! Some things I absolutely loved:
* he let me listen to my CDs on the entire drive there and back, even tho he didn’t know a lot of the music
* walking everywhere; exploring things on foot is so much better than driving from destination to destination.
* taking the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway up to elevation 8516 feet and hiking in the wilderness up there
* finding and climbing lots of great rocks and cliffs and sitting up there to enjoy the view; having someone who enjoys the sights, sounds, scents, wind with me and outclimbs me (even tho I’m usually the monkey whenever I go on these things)
* exploring some model homes of a new project being built; I love model homes, and Mr. W was game for wandering thru there…he says they give great decorating ideas. (The ex didn’t like to go thru model homes with me because he says he doesn’t want to shop for something he’s not planning on buying.)
* great photos, great conversations, better memories
* hanging out in the room watching hours of “Friends” on DVD while having pizza, Bacardi Twisted Watermelon and mint chip ice cream

We drove back Monday, stopped by Cabazon Outlets, then after we got home, went to Uptown Whittier. He hadn’t been there in a long time, so we parked almost as soon as we turned onto the street so that we could walk up and down the main street and he could check out all the things that had changed. Then we went to Brea and at his recommendation, I ate for the first time at the little French cafe at a wing in the mall that I’d always thought was obtuse in its location. It was delicious. We ate at a table in the walkway of the mall so that I could “peoplewatch.” It’s nice that he’d offer that, because I’m not nice when I peoplewatch. But I have been able to be completely open and unreserved with him without fear of judgment or any negative reaction. If something I reveal about me or my past isn’t exactly positive, he doesn’t recoil physically or emotionally. He accepts it as a part of me and strives to understand it.

…

=)

I’m bummed. I knew something was bothering me subconsciously because for the past 2 nights, I’d been doing my stress habit and right now, it’s painful to walk. I didn’t go to jujitsu tonite, I didn’t have the energy. I also didn’t work out at lunch because the judge wanted me to redo all the relief clerk’s verdict forms for the murder trial I walked into upon my return from vacation. I didn’t want to address the problem so I didn’t bother thinking about what it might be. However, talking to Mr. W earlier in the evening, his concern about my lowness and encouragement to get it out of my system got me to hit a few points that were so painful they brought tears to my eyes.

I had a very different vacation from Diana. The place was beautiful, the people were nice, the food was amazing, but instead of it being the relaxing Calgon-take-me-away paradise that it was for Diana, for me it showed that the light at the end of the tunnel, at least at the particular tunnel I’m in presently, is dim. Six years I’d been stagnant. All of this, the job, the house, the lifestyle, were supposed to be temporary. Six years is not temporary. I’d already thrown my original timeline out the window, and I’m good with that. But I can’t do this lifestyle forever. I realized today that I don’t want to. This singles life was great last month. I considered throwing all the traditional norms out and just living day-to-day forever, taking life for what it offers me, savoring every small gem in every unexpected place. Now, I’m afraid that that’s just not me. I’m someone who has a general plan in mind. I’m always going somewhere. There is always another goal or expectation in front of me. I set my life up a certain way to reach that goal.

I want to wake up in the arms of my husband in the chill of a December morning. I want to snuggle with him in front of a blazing fireplace while he reads the paper, sometimes out loud as items he thinks will interest me catch his eye. I want to watch my little girl play around the house and marveling at our family Christmas tree. I want to make her hot chocolate with marshmallows floating on top, so she can warm her little fingers around the mug and sip from it just like Mommy and Daddy drinking their coffee. I want to answer her questions about why certain things are. And then I’ll brush her dark hair into a ponytail and we’d all get dressed to go on a drive to some pretty street or hotel to admire their Christmas decor as Daddy takes photos of us in various silly poses, she with her little mouth opened toward the sky in laughter, arms out as if embracing the world. When we return in the evening, we’ll make cookies or parfait, then settle down curled up in blankets and Dad and I would take turns reading her a continuing story that I’d write daily for her, about the adventures of a little girl who’s a lot like my little girl who does some funny things but ultimately has a big heart and does the right thing. She’d fall asleep, and Dad would carry her to her bed, tuck her in, and he and I would tiptoe back to the family room or our bedroom for our private time, having the same great conversation that we’ve always had, marveling at life and appreciating each other.

Only, I don’t know whether I’m dreaming of my future, or reminiscing about my childhood.

What I want most right now is to curl up with Mr. W and hopefully fall asleep as he holds me, stroking my hair or my skin. I miss him and his comforting presence.

I’m standing on the bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now
There’s nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I’m listening but there’s no sound

Why is everything so confusing
Maybe I’m just out of my mind

Thus goes the first half of Avril Lavigne’s “I’m With You,” pouring out of my work computer speakers as I try to get rid of another month’s worth of divorce files. But the song takes me back to another time so vividly that I had to stop and let it drown me.

2 or 3am. Weeknight. I’m driving south on Beach Blvd toward the ocean, tears blinding my vision, sobs drowning out portions of this song. The empty front passenger seat is littered with wadded up Kleenex tissues. It’s amazing how one can be in what feels like a constant state of lowness and anguish, and then there’d still be a jolt that drops you even lower. I am lost in my emotions and my hurt. Nothing makes sense, all I know is that I am swirling in emptiness and disappointment, that after I gave all of myself over and over, I am still met with cruel disregard and abandonment. I don’t even want answers anymore. I have no hopes for resolution or recovery. I just want it to be over. I just want the numbness to come and take me over. If the coldness of the ocean doesn’t end it, it may never end. This is hell.

Poor little girl. As much as I can cry for her now, want to take her in my arms and warm her cold, wet, sandy body, she feels so distant from me. Like a sad made-up story, something I can’t relate to. But that was me, in the beginning of the end, March 2004.

The mess of that night would never have believed me if I told her that in 17 months, her biggest concern would be to get the month’s worth of family law cases reviewed so that she can leave to go home, eat her diet dinner, then run off to spend some time with a great guy whom she won’t get to see all next week because she’ll be in sunny Cancun with her college roommate.

“I don’t necessarily think there’s just one person for everyone. It’s more about finding someone who fits and making it work.” – Tyra Banks

Kinda rare that anything a Hollywood celebrity says inspires me to write a post. But then again, I’d been looking for an excuse to write this post anyway. I didn’t leave work until about 7:45p. It was an unusually complicated day with curveballs thrown at me in my criminal jury trial, criminal court trial and sentencing matters, and in family law wrinkles. Sensing my tenseness, a very welcome and wonderful person came by after work to share some hugs and company with me. After he tried unsuccessfully to work out a tension knot in the middle right side of my lower back, I was ready to call it quits and I shut down the computer at 5:30p in favor of catching a flick at a nearby movie theatre. A quick check of the current features later, however, he suggested I’d be better off getting more family law divorce crap done. Due to the difficulties of the day, I had not been able to get to one family law case today despite working thru lunch. I reluctantly agreed because, after all, he’s right. I do have an imminent (and eminent) deadline.

To my surprise and guilty pleasure, he stayed with me the whole time, chatting w/me and helping me stuff envelopes like he did on Saturday. And I did indeed get rid of a lot of these cursed cases in the time we spent torturing ourselves with their presence. As I got ready to leave, I told him, “I do feel better now that these are done.” He joked, “That’s because I’m a good influence.” He is. He’d said earlier in talking me into staying to do work that he just didn’t want to see me stress any further over these things as I got closer to vacation and my available time got shorter, and he said it helps the time pass by faster if I’m working with someone around and it’s not just me with the janitors.

He also asked me about my transportation arrangements to get to/from the airport for Cancun next week. I hadn’t made any arrangements yet, and he offered himself. That’s so sweet! He had also previously asked what I was going to do about my cat the week I’m gone, and when I said I hadn’t secured that detail yet, he’d also offered himself even tho my house is totally out of the way for him, and he’s allergic to my cat. I was touched at his offers, but I can’t do the cat thing to him. I’d still like to have him around when I get back from vacation, I don’t want to find him convulsing and foaming on my living room floor due to an overdose of Dodo.

I was so grateful to him when we separated at my car. He just blew an evening hanging out with me at work and volunteering himself to do work that isn’t even his. We didn’t do anything social and we couldn’t even go grab a bite because of my diet. He said it wasn’t a wasted evening for him because he got to hang out and chat with me.

Life is really good to me right now, no? And now I get to look forward to seeing his handsome face right before I leave for and immediately upon my return from Cancun. 😀

I once had a merged life with a dark source, and it muddied my brightness until I became heavy and dank. It took a lot and a long time to separate from this darkness, and now that I have, my light shines brighter. With the separation, I can now see the darkness for just how ugly it is and was. My light appears so much brighter in contrast to that dark. It makes me appreciate life, and everyone I still maintain in mine, so much. Everywhere I look around me, everything is aglow and transcendent.

I am so, so happy.

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring. (I have an idea, tho. *huge smile*)

Shortly before lunch, I was discussing a problematic divorce case I was processing with my Family Law resource judge. The judge explained some legal things to me, the result of which was the elicitation of the following comment from me: “So the key is, to not get married. This sucks. I’m glad I’m single.”

He, a jovial happily-married man of I don’t know how many decades (still on his 1st wife), said, “Well, marriage is a good thing if you’re with the right person. Being married to the right person is like being on a long date in which neither of you have to go home.”

I really like that characterization. I remember being in love with a boyfriend who had plans to stay over with me after a date. I remember thinking it was like a wonderful slumber party in which after the events are over, there’s more fun to be had because you still have more hang time left. This felt especially true after a party or a social gathering. After everyone leaves is the time when you’re sorta sad that the night is over. But it’s not over when you get to go home with someone you really enjoy spending time with. Especially someone you can curl up with all night and talk to about random things. And when you wake up, more cuddling and connecting. Sometimes there’s even “other stuff” to be “had.”

Yup, marriage should be warm, safe and fuzzy like spooning your cat on a Saturday morning.

I think I’m ready to change my “About the site” description now. When “Wilco” set up the blog, he used the description “living in cindy’s world.” At some point, I had realized that a better description, the way the blog was going, was “chronicling the struggle for strength, independence and personal satisfaction post-heartbreak” and changed it to that. I think it may have been toward the end of July or beginning of August. Right now, that just doesn’t feel right. So I’m gonna change it again.

finding my niche and leaving my handprint. In literature and in the lives of people. At least, that’s the dream.

Andrae and I had another analytical conversation last nite. Our approaches to beginning relationships are really different, but one thing we do the same is the hunt for red flags in the beginning. This is partly because we both value our singledom so much that before we jump into something (when both of us are in, we are damn committed), we need to make sure it’s worth the changes and efforts in our lives. Instead of being like some people who want a relationship so much that they find excuses for and ignore red flags in order to justify continued dating of someone bad, Andrae and I look for potential reasons/signs to get out.

For me, I think one of the reasons is that I am now so protective of my peace and peace of mind, which is the main beauty of being single and having no one on the brain, having come so close to losing myself and my sanity in the recent past. Another reason is that I am terrified of being hurt like that again.

Sometimes the excuses are easy and large and very legitimate. It brings to mind the thought of “If it’s this bad now in the wee infancy of this relationship, it’s only gonna get worse later.” Other times, it’s more subtle, like a nagging feeling that something is being kept from me. Actually, the latter is the worst because it’s the beginning of the first crack in the foundation, the first brick in a wall that will separate us. I don’t know whether I’m keener from experience, or paranoid because of it.

One of the worst things I have felt is to watch someone I care about very much not do well, and feel completely helpless to do anything about it. And even as I stood helplessly, he looked upon me to offer him something to improve the situation, and I racked my mind, but in the time it took for that, he was already disappointed at my lack of response and fading fast. And the feeling at this moment, the feelings of ineptitude, confusion, failure, fear, all joined together and are screaming at me in unison – You fool, have you not had enough of this world? Why did you put yourself back out there? Withdraw to the safe place you were even one week prior.

As wonderful as those memories of one week ago were — the closed invulnerability, the peace of letting no one in — I still hug my knees in tears instead of regressing back to the happily balanced girl because, I whisper back against the yelling, I still care.