cindy's world

This entry is going to be TMI for people who are related to me, or don’t want to see me in a certain vomit-inducing light, so if you don’t want to see me in any capacity but a pristine and innocent one, don’t read on.

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Having vacuumed (I hate vacuuming my stairs), windexed, thrown out the trash, organized the CDs between my car and my rotating CD shelf, and with my load of whites agitating in the washer, I decided to see if I can pre-register online for next semester’s jujitsu class.

I just discovered that the last day of jujitsu is August 3, and the next semester doesn’t start until September 12. I’m not looking at a calendar, but isn’t that like 5 weeks of nothingness? OMG, am I ready for that much free time? *hyperventilating*

This should be a summation of all the entries on this blog. All my self-analysis, all my strives, all my relationship woes, it all boils down to this, and my friends would recognize things in here that we’ve discussed already (altho I just found this paragraph a few minutes ago on another site):

Cancer’s element is Water. Symbolic of the emotions, water
signs need to give and receive. They thrive on the exchange
of feelings. They need security and love to be wrapped in
an environment of love and comfort. Truly a wonderful
example of Yin receptivity, Cancer seems to absorb
memories, feelings and psychic messages. Of course, they
send back their own good vibes in the process. The
cardinal’ motivation energizes their strong ability to
provide for others. Few work as hard and as tenaciously as
Cancer. Without the balance of Yang assertiveness, however,
Cancer’s confidence can be a bit wobbly. After all, the
Crab is so very sensitive to everything. Just as the sign’s
ruler, the Moon, goes through phases, Cancer often
experiences mood-swings. Sometimes the desire to love
results in giving too much. In such cases, the Crab can
become over-protective or dependent. Balanced, the Cancer
adds personal independence to his or her priorities.

Both my wrists are tweaked and the right side of my lower back, an injury I’ve had for weeks, is now aggravated. Now add to the casualty list my left shoulder. I know what’s better for me is to skip jujitsu today and maybe even tomorrow, and just do cardio at the gym at lunch. I thought about doing this, and then I imagined not having anything on my plate in the evenings for the next 2 days if I skip jujitsu. The extra free time scares me. I had gotten to a point where I viewed my few hours of free time not as emptiness, but welcomed relaxation and opportunity to catch up on chores. I’m not sure whether it’s that my state of mind is not there anymore and has regressed, or that I can only deal with so much free time before I feel lost, lonely and scared in the vacuum of emptiness.

* I watched “Dance With Me” this weekend. Altho I enjoyed the choreography, I was NOT impressed by the presentation of the love story between Vanessa Williams’ Ruby character and Chayanne’s Cuban Rafael character who worked in the dance studio Ruby was competing for. The pivotal scene was set at a finals ballroom dance competition in Las Vegas (Vegas has been popping up EVERYWHERE lately, it’s been making me sick) in which Ruby hooked up w/her old dance partner to compete, and the partner is a jerk but the father of her young son, and at the last dance her legs were cramping and she couldn’t continue anymore but she looked out into the audience and saw Rafael and their eyes met, and she started crying, and he encouraged her by swaying gently to the music as if he were dancing with her and she closed her eyes and imagined she was dancing with Rafael instead of her actual partner. She looked horrific in this scene, really scary, with her mouth open all teethy and her raccoon eyes stage makeup and her shiny tears all messing up her face. But I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and I didn’t know why. Cuz I certainly couldn’t relate.

* I also watched some other TV show, a sitcom, I believe, that was so unimpressionable on me that I can’t remember what it was, but there was a declaratory love scene that made me cry. I remember sitting on my couch going, “What is WRONG with me? This is a freaking comedy, for gosh sakes!”

* Driving home from work today, “I Still Believe” played over the radio and I started singing along to it, but soon I welled up and couldn’t continue singing. Just listened to the song with tears running down my cheeks.

* After “I Still Believe,” the radio thought to really bring it up with some R&B song I’ve never really listened to the lyrics before, but basically it’s some girl singing about how she heard a friend calling her name the other day on the street and she turned and was surprised to see someone from her past. They went for lunch and they caught up on each other’s lives, they reminisced about his old habits when he was with her, his bad habits now, and he showed her photos of the girl he’s now with. She thought she was over him but all these feelings came back and she thought to herself, “I’m still not over you,” etc. Does anyone know this song? Anyhow, I cried thru that one, too.

* I keep having very vivid dreams of being involved in a new but very safe, loving, romantic situation with men who are already in my life. It’s very confusing when I wake up.

If I connected the dots, what picture is my subconscious forming here?

I started out “Point Four” in the last post with all intentions of listing the positive attributes of my ex, but I failed utterly. I’m just too angry about everything still. He’s not all bad, there are good things about him and about being with him, or I wouldn’t have stuck around that long or even attempted to maintain contact with him after the breakup, but I’m just not there to be able to list them without plunging into bitterness. (My bitter comments he calls “verbal abuse.” *eyeroll*) <-- see what I mean? Maybe I'll try to give him some credit when some time has passed and I get out of man-hating mode.

First of all, it has sucked that I couldn’t write what I wanted to write in my blogs, this outlet for all the happiness, sadness, stress or anger that I feel, just because my ex has found his way to this site. But I have creative license. It’s like radio programming. It’s free, so if the listener doesn’t like what he/she hears, there’s no loss, just change the station.

Second, I don’t make false claims to represent anyone, speak for anyone but myself. I am not advocating anything, or advertising anything.

Third, he’s already said that he was going to stop reading my site, and he has since then had many adverse reactions to what he’s read on this blog. If you know you can’t handle it, don’t read it. We’re all adults. Let’s deal with life with some maturity.

So this is why the last few posts have been more unadulterated.

Fourth, just to straighten the record, no, the ex is not just a drunk jerk who has treated me like crap in our relationship, neglected me, cheated on me and lied to me. He is also a great friend to have (hey, he even rolls his girlfriend(s) under the bus to benefit his friends, so if you’re gonna aim to be anything with him, the most advantageous position is to be his friend), if you’re a girl and you want to be his friend, all his female friends are “friends with benefits.” He’s also an excellent optometrist, he knows his stuff both in eye care and eye disease. I hear he’s also a great clinical professor. Just ask his students (some of whom have slept with him, even when he had a girlfriend, one of these girlfriends being me). He’s also an aspiring poet. You can ask his female “friends” to show you the love poems he’s written us all to make us feel “special.” He’s smart, smarter than most women he’s dated, cuz he was able to fool them all into thinking that he’s faithful and loving. And he’s wonderfully affectionate. Ask all the girls who he’s seduced into bed (while he had a girlfriend) by saying things like “I’m so affectionate with you. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to be like this and feel this way with someone.” And he’s got a very healthy ego. All these women are “making passes at” him and he could have anyone he wants, strippers are constantly throwing their numbers at him and begging to go out with him when they get off shift, and even I, if I were making love to someone else at this very moment, would be thinking of him. And he feels he’s given so much after we broke up, but I’m just too blind to see it. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I see that he’s offering me what every woman out there would die to have in my place? He just bought a beautiful house, he has a thriving respectable business, he makes good money, and darn it, he loves me.

Because, it’s not just about love. It’s about respect. It’s about loving me enough not to hurt me over and over just to stroke your own ego. It’s about not joining your friends in referring to me as “lockdown.” It’s about sensing what I need, not just demanding what you want. It’s about giving, not just taking. It’s about appreciating what you take. It’s about not taking for granted when I give. It’s about working with me to reach a common goal (like rebuilding shattered trust), not just telling me “You have trust issues and I’m not going to show you anything to prove anything. You’re just gonna have to trust me,” and then going thru my phone bills behind my back even though I wasn’t the one who cheated. It’s about integrity and self-control. It’s about sticking to your word. It’s about being able to trust each other’s values. It’s about phrases like “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” and “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” NOT being applicable in a relationship. It’s about being a team; we’d never survive if you let your loyalty get pulled away in all directions, toward friends who want you to betray me, girls who want you to choose them over me. It’s about so much more than material things like money, houses, and a new Mercedes. Or do you not know me at all? I don’t want a rich guy. I want someone I can be proud of. If he’s struggling, at least I can be proud of him for his efforts. I can pitch in a hand to help a struggling business. I can’t deal with a man whose ego over his profits is so large that he thinks men are trying to pick up on him because he’s all decked out in his bling bling and Kenneth Coles.

I don’t mind living a humble life. I just want to be able to sleep at night. I already know I can’t sleep when I’m with you.

The voice mails I listened to this morning (my cell phone battery died last nite and altho I plugged it in, I never turned it back on) had no derogatory remarks or insults or dares in it this time, but it did ask what it would take to make me open my eyes for one moment and realize what I have in him. As much as that made my jaw drop, my jaw really hit the floor when I heard “Well, I haven’t given up on you. I will see you when I get back to LA.”

My ex is scaring me. He’s been in Vegas since Thursday with some friends. I tried to maintain some sort of friendship/relationship between us, but that has proven time and time again to be impossible because of the embittered history and the still-bleeding wounds on both of us. Last week was a string of ugliness. I left my cell phone in my car last nite and when I got to it this morning to go to work, I saw I’d missed 5 calls from him between 10:30 p.m. and 1:00 a.m.. The voice mails he left were insulting in parts, bittersweet in others. I was hanging out with coworkers at Outback Steakhouse after work today and missed 3 more of his calls at 7:30p.m.. These voice mails are even scarier. From phrase to phrase, sentence to sentence, he’d switch gears from “I miss you, I love you” type stuff to spiteful, cold accusations that I seem to be doing better judging by my outgoing voice mail message and that it’s “shit [I] play”, that he hopes I enjoy doing some guy while I’m thinking about him, that he’s proud of me for walking away from him and yet disappointed in me because “I know it’s bullshit.” And how he forgives me for everything I did to him. (!?!?!) And then he urges me in a saccharine voice to call him back. Is he kidding??? Those voice mails give me the heebie jeebies and I want to go into a witness protection program, I certainly am not tempted to call him back! The ironic part is that if he knew this is the reaction I’m having to his – in my opinion, passive-aggressive, mentally unstable – voice mails, he’d be highly offended. I can hear him now. “You ACTUALLY think I’m gonna hurt you? When have I EVER caused you physical harm?”

You know what blows my mind? Is how something that I’m so excited about or have been eagerly anticipating can, at the same time, mean so little to someone else. How something I put so much care into preparing for can be received nonchalantly (or even forgotten) by the other person.
Man, I don’t like being so vague on my posts. Maybe I should take up what Jimmy does.