cindy's world

You know how if you find yourself holding on to the blade of a knife (and let’s assume you didn’t realize it was a blade when you first reached for the seemingly shiny pretty object), the tighter you hold it, the more it cuts in and the more you bleed? So you start to let go but you realize as you loosen your grip that the blade is holding the wound closed somewhat and once you open your hand the gashes would REALLY open and start gushing. So you don’t know what to do at this point, sorta half hanging on to the blade, trying not to hold on too hard, and yet unable to let go completely despite the pain. What do you do now? Just wait and hope that the wound, given enough time, heals around the knife blade?

Sittin’ over here
Starin’ in your face
With lust in my eyes
Sure don’t give a damn and
Ya don’t know
That I’ve been dreamin’ of ya in my fantasy
Never once you looked at me,
Don’t even realize that I’m wantin’ you
To fulfill my needs
Think what you want
Let your mind free
Run free to a place that no one dares to

How many nights I’ve laid in bed excited over you
I’ve closed my eyes and thought of us
A hundred different ways
I’ve gotten there so many times
I wonder how ’bout you
Day and night, night and day
All I’ve gotta say is

Chorus:
If I was your girl
Oh the things I’d do to you
I’d make you call out my name
I’d ask who it belongs to
If I was your woman,
The things I’d do to you
But I’m not, so I can’t,
And I won’t
But, if I was your girl…

Allow me some time to play with your mind
And you’ll get there again and again
Close your eyes and imagine my body undressed
Take your time, we’ve got all night
You on the rise as you’re touchin’ my thighs
And let me know what you like
If you like, I’ll go down
Da down down down da down down
I’ll hold you in my hand and baby

Your smooth and shiny feels so good against my lips, sugar
I want you so bad I can taste your love
Right now, baby
Day and night, night and day
All I’ve gotta say is

Chours (x2)

I’ve laid in bed excited over you
One hundred different ways I’ve thought of
Many, Maaaaaannnnny
All I want to say is

(Chorus til end)

I had one of those dreams this morning (in-between Snooze hits) that from past experience will set the overtone for my mood the next few days. Coincidentally, I watched an episode of “Friends” last nite (Season 9 DVD) wherein Rachel dreamt about Joey and herself in a romantic situation and when she woke up, she couldn’t shake the desire to make out with Joey. That started her Joey crush. Does my dream mean I really DO need romance in my life, as hard as I’m fighting it from all directions, internally and externally? I had been making such progress, too. I woke up late from this dream and expelled so audible a groan-whimper that my cat came running and gave me the quizzical yet comforting “grrrrrr-owl?”.

New on list of things to do:

Make a sandwich board that says “If you’re frustrating and annoying and pig-headed and have victim’s complex, leave me the hell alone.”

And even as I know this, I’m about to drive myself into perhaps a regrettable mistake. Oh well, what else is new? I spent like 15 minutes in a hot spa at the gym today letting the jets pound the knots from my back. Why not put some more back in?

I really dislike judgmental, ignorant, close-minded, conceited people. I can close an eye to someone with one or maybe even two of these features, but all of them together just makes me feel disdainful toward the two bearers of these traits whom I’m thinking of. It’s bad enough that these people are too quick to pass judgment without knowing all the facts and without even the open-mindedness to see that they don’t have all the information, but to have the arrogance to wave the verbal banner that they’re right and that anyone who goes against their judgment is stupid…wow. The attitudes of these two people will be detrimental to their personal growth.
(I may feel more strongly about this presently due to hormonal fluctuations, but hormones don’t alter my opinion – only the level of my response.)

I just realized something about myself. I’d always partly believed it when people say I worry too much about things I have no control over. I was starting to see symptoms of General Anxiety Disorder. But I just realized that I only stress over things that aren’t being taken care of, which means they are things that I can still do something about. However, if a problem exists but something is being done about it, even if it is not yet resolved, I’m fine! Someone I care about may have serious hypertension issues, but if he’s on meds, being monitored by a doctor and is taking steps to take care of himself, I don’t worry about it. We do what we can, and the rest is up to fate/the universe/powers that be/God. If the same person is in denial about his health and is still out there getting drunk and partying it up and not taking his meds, THEN I worry and stress, and try to get him to see the light. I think that’s very reasonable.

I feel lost again, like a leaf that had been torn from a tree. Now that I’m not attached to something large and substantial and rooted, I’m at the mercy of the wind and I feel insecure and scared as I flip and fall and rise arbitrarily. The last time I’d felt this way (10 months ago) and described the blown leaf sensation to someone, he told me, “Or you can choose not to be a leaf. You can be an acorn or a seed, and settle down anywhere you want and grow into your own tree.”
Tonight, those clever words of advice give me little comfort as I grit my teeth against the dread of this weekend.

When I woke up on my living room couch at about 2:00 a.m., the house was dark, and the TV was playing a horror flick on HBO called “My Little Eye.” I don’t know what groggy-eyed idiocy compelled me to watch the remainder of this movie. The result is that I ended up scared and in desperate need to “reach out and touch someone”, but I wasn’t gonna call someone at 3am. Next best thing in the 21st century is to log online and hope for the best. And there it was, on AOL Instant Messenger. I made my confessions of fear to a faraway friend and explained my situation…

Me: I keep turning around to watch my back and you know what’s worse than watching your back alone at night?
Me: is turning around and watching your back in a mirror!
Me: WWWAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend: at work
Friend: i had a mirror
Friend: attached to my monitor
Friend: so i can always see what is going on behind me
Friend: and if someone is creeping up on me or not
Me: I’ve seen people in the Clerk’s Office with that on their monitors.
Me: But at times like this, you realize the mirror doesn’t help because certain supernatural things don’t cast reflections!
Me: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend: also a good point
Me: I’m gonna cry!
Friend: you will be okay, cindy.
Friend: i’ve talked to the supernatural powers
Friend: and told them that they can have the night off
Friend: so they will not be bothering you tonight.
Me: What about murderous people who are killing people in a secretly bugged, isolated house for a snuff internet site?
Me: (I watched “My Little Eye”)
Friend: oh, that isn’t your house
Friend: i checked.

I like having friends who you can tell have had boyfriend-training and who evidently would make good dads. *sniff*

There really is a lot for me to be happy about. All around I could see close calls, pitfalls I’d almost fallen into at one point. But luckily, I have made some good decisions and am very comfortable in my life right now.

It’s a nice Friday. I’m all warm from my lunchtime workout and the hot shower I had afterwards, I’m sitting in a courtroom where I can do my work at my own pace since we’re not in session right now, and I just finished munching on a fresh blueberry bagel. I look and feel better (well, except for the aches and pains from jujitsu) than I did a few years ago at this time. Today is payday. I ran into a friend I haven’t seen in awhile in the courthouse today. I still have hair. My reporter introduced me to a new killer ab exercise today.

Tomorrow I’m gonna have a girlie day w/a friend at Glen Ivy Hot Springs and we’re gonna sit in mineral baths, whirlpools, saunas, red clay and/or pools all day. In a couple of weeks I’m gonna meet up w/my cousins Diana and Jennifer and we’re gonna go have a nice dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse in Irvine, easily one of the best steakhouses anywhere. (One thing I realized when the three of us were trying to find a good day to go have dinner is how busy my weeks are and I am so glad about that. I’m not busy doing stuff I hate, or fulfilling obligations to other people. I’m busy doing stuff I enjoy and/or signed up for myself.)

Ahhhhh. *smiling contentedly*

Where the hell do people get off contacting MY closest friends to bitch about me, (admittedly to me) hoping and expecting that my friends will take his side and come to me to tell me off?! What the HELL is that? My ex has NO rapport with my friend, he’s met her twice and both times, very briefly, and he thinks he can write her long-ass emails out of nowhere manipulating events, as if she weren’t there with me thru all the crap and KNEW step-by-step what was going on with me, and win her over to his side so that she would tell me off for him?! He’s got to be delusional AND insane! And what a huge freaking ego! Well, what can I expect from someone who has no loyalties of his own? I am just…incredulous, and incredibly offended.
Update 11:32pm:
Called him to say if he’s got beef with me, to bring it to me, not to my friends because does he realize how retarded he looks bitching about me to my friends who KNEW everything that he’d done AS they were being done to me? He said he does have beef with me but doesn’t want to deal with it. But he wants to throw it in my friend’s lap and have me deal with it indirectly? How obscenely chickenshit is this?! Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve cussed like this.