cindy's world

Probably the most positive of few uses of insomnia is spending it as quality time with someone you really enjoy conversing with. The workout I had once at 3am runs a close second to that. (You gotta love 24 Hour Fitness hours.)

It’s insane in here! Apparently I’ve stepped into the midst of a messy murder trial. Defendant allegedly shot and killed his wife during an argument. Lots of exhibits and photos, none of which I’ve studied. Ugh. Anyway, this is just me checking in w/you guys. Will work on Cancun as I have time.

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I just opened a box sent to me from my ex that my Judge brought up from the mail a few minutes ago. He’d called me yesterday to ask whether I’d like Grace’s book P.S. I Love You by Cecilia Ahern (which I’d loaned him when we were still dating, which he’d just finished reading) returned to my home address or work address. I requested it be sent to work so that I’d be here to receive it. He has other books I loaned him, Hamlet and Dracula, but those aren’t as special to me as P.S. I Love You, which arrived with 2 other books Grace had ordered shortly before her death. I remember being at the funeral reception in Justin’s building’s rec room in New York, and Justin had just returned from getting the mail. He opened the large package and when these books came out, he looked suddenly broken. I quickly took them from him and asked to borrow them.

I expected there to be a note of some sort in the box from my ex, and there was. A handwritten letter. But what I didn’t expect, which made tears spring to my eyes, were the 2 boxes of contact lenses. I guess he knew I wouldn’t have found another optometrist yet (since no medical plans offered us has good vision coverage) and he still wanted to take care of me. At least in a professional capacity. Except he didn’t charge for them. So it’s still a favor.

The letter made the tears spill over. In a nutshell, he wrote about how good the book was for him, and how he’s stopped reading my blog because it’s too painful because he still loves me “way too much.” He wished me the best, then closed the letter with a quote from the deceased husband character in the book:
Don’t be afraid to fall in love again
Open your heart and follow where it leads you…
And remember, shoot for the moon…
PS, I will always love you…

This package is a gift in more ways than one. It’s a gift of surprising maturity after meeting so many embittered, immature men after him. It’s a gift of continuing love. And it gave me closure I never even asked for. Even though he will likely never read this, thanks, J, for the peace.

I can’t believe I forgot.

GO BRUINS! Woohoo!

(I say this like I even watched TV at all this weekend. But I did watch a thought-provoking docufilm called “What the BLEEP Do We Know?” and the first third of “Nightmare Before Christmas.”)

Here’s an anomaly. It’s shortly before 11:30p on a weeknight. I’m showered, face off, eyeballs out. I’m actually ready for bed, watching “Friends,” lying on my stomach over my bed w/my laptop.

This is because I was told earlier to get in the shower and do my bedtime routine so that I could actually sleep thru the nite instead of falling asleep in front of the TV from exhaustion, then waking up at 2:30a to clean up, shower, and then being unable to fall back asleep until 4 or 5a. I followed the instruction, tho I wasn’t even threatened. I mean, I even said, “…or…?” He said, “There’s no ‘or.’ You’re getting into a bad habit and I worry about you.” That’s all it took. Weird, huh? I actually found it endearing.

Will & Grace is now on. I’m not sure if I’m gonna be able to fall asleep at a decent hour, but I must say, I like this. I feel less guilty. Now the only thing I’m feeling angry and guilty about is the state of my house and laundry.

Please refer to new page “About Cindy Questionnaire” under the “Pages” section at the right bar. =)

My bailiff’s been busy researching rental cars for his 18 yr-old son, who a couple weeks ago was involved in a car accident that totalled his car. Yesterday, my court reporter’s daughters were also involved in a bad car accident that resulted in bruising and stitches on the daughter driving, which accident also totalled the car, and the daughter was an inch or so away from possible death the way her driver’s side door was pounded inward. Both accidents involved my staff’s kids being t-boned in an intersection.

It just goes to show what a virtue patience is. Pulling out 5 seconds later isn’t going to make much of a difference in your day, but pulling out 5 seconds early may kill you.

They’re all now dealing with huge expense, transportation issues, insurance issues, and possible legal ramifications. I bet everyone wishes they had just waited a bit more patiently, gone a bit more slowly.

I just discovered the same thing in 2 people in my past.

Don’t you just love it when you find out that you were right, things will never change, never improve, and it reaffirms your decision to cut your losses? There’s always that little doubt, “What if I made a mistake? What if, had I just waited a bit longer, it would’ve fixed itself?”

It wasn’t right for me then, it isn’t right for me now. Things went in a full circle and these people are exactly the same. People really don’t change, flaws, delusions and all.

The Dove Chocolates wrapper fortune I just opened reads “Listen to your heartbeat and dance. ” I understand the reference to dancing. I do feel better now, after lunch. It was a good thing I forgot my tennis shoes. Seeing some actual doves helped, too. The second wrapper (who has just ONE piece of chocolate?) reads “Don’t think about it so much.” Okay, will do.

Thanks, everyone, for the calls, the talks (electronic and in person), the hugs. I’m content.

Apparently it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

I bet my ex is happy.