cindy's world

I apologized, we had some small talk, then I said, “I’m so stressed right now, I gotta go, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“So we’re cool?”
“Always.” He gave me a big smile. I smiled back. First time I smiled in over 12 hours.

I think I potentially messed up two things already this morning. I’m gonna go apologize.

This is very possibly the worst morning I’ve had in a year. It’s not even fking 9am yet.

There’s the computer glitch in the morning at home. That got me off on the way wrong foot. And then I realized I have to return a pair of shorts I bought over the weekend that had the wrong size posted on it, it was about an inch smaller around the cut than the other shorts I got in the same size. Throughout the morning getting ready and showering, the thoughts swirling around my head just made certain things feel worse and worse until I rather felt indignant and violated in general. And then I was late going in to work because of the computer glitch. Then driving in, I realized I’d left my tennis shoes at home so I can’t even work out my steam at lunch. I am PISSED about that, because this is the one day I don’t have my gym trainee so I was planning to hit the gym HARD to make up for my inability to before. I can’t after work because today is the first day of jujitsu this quarter. Driving in, I thought that the only thing to make this day worse is if a certain person (who doesn’t normally work here) were to be here today, but then the chances are slim to none because he’s never here on a Monday and he didn’t come in at all last week and driving thru the parking structure, I didn’t see his vehicle. And then while I was waiting for the elevator, he came up behind me. “Hey, nice boots.” I don’t have anything against this person, I just know I can’t handle it today. So I burst into my courtroom and bitched loudly to my bailiff about the morning so far, and at the point where I was saying, “…and he walked up behind me while I was waiting by the elevator! So I was like [made a gesture of exasperation with my head dropped back and sighing in irritation]”, my bailiff very obviously said, “Shh, there he is behind you, okay hold on,” and I turned around and the very person I’m talking about was already walking into the courtroom. Good fking gawd. My bailiff walked out to avoid the scene.

I just plunked down on my seat with my back to him, couldn’t even make eye contact. He asked me what was going on. I said grouchily I’m having the worst morning ever. He said, “Am I making it worse?” Of course he heard me. How could he not? I said crankily, “Yes. It’s just that I’m in such a foul mood that I would piss off anyone near me in about 10 minutes.” He said, “Should I leave you alone?” I said, “Yes.” He said with a stand-offish tone, “Ookay, see you later,” and left.

Why did I come in to work today? I should’ve called in sick this morning. I’m also upset that I didn’t get to wash my car at my parents’ last nite (their friends paid a surprise visit and parked in the driveway right next to my car so I couldn’t wash it w/o getting their car wet) , and leaving my house this morning, a look around the disheveled rooms unnerved me as I hadn’t been home to clean stuff up.

Add to all that, I’m freaking bloated as hell from all the chocolate I ate last nite before I left my parents’ house; I’d brought over my cooking class end-products to their house to put in their fridge, and my mom misunderstood and thought I was leaving it there for them. I didn’t bother correcting her, but really, why the hell would I do that knowing they don’t like chocolate?! She, btw, also reminded me how they don’t eat chocolate and said she was just gonna give all the stuff away today.

I am going to implode at lunch.

I spent 20 fking minutes writing a really thought-out post about stuff screaming at me on my mind and the minute I was finally done the laptop did something weird on its own and fking went back w/o my touching anything and the whole damn thing disappeared!! WTF!! I can’t even use the forward or back button on the browser to restore it!!!!!! Now I don’t have time!!!

WTF. I’m gonna try to reproduce it anyway. I’ve never been more convinced that it needs to be put out there than now that I’ve been prevented from it.

Here’s a thought.

Maybe he’s just gotta be a good guy, whom I respect, who makes me happy.

The rest of it, we can work out as we go. Respect and happy is so inclusive.

Life’s got a funny way of putting you in your place. Just when you’re conceited enough to think you’ve got it all figured out, it gives you something that is half, or technically, what you asked for and yet doesn’t have the fundamentals you’d expected. It’s like the cliche genie wish-granting. But I get it. And I accept it with a laugh.

I may have to scrap my dealbreaker list and re-evaluate my priorities.

I’d wondered before whether my ex and I were still connected on that non-physical plane. If I’m down, does that mean he’s high? If I’m high, is he sick? If I feel him, does that mean he’s thinking of me? If he’d been somewhere, would I recognize it? Turns out, yes to all. I wonder if this connection will ever rupture. In the least, it’s disruptive to my peace, and it certainly did not bring him what he wanted — closure. I explained to him tonite that I no longer need closure. I no longer need the whys and hows. Just knowing what is or was, was all the answers I would ever need to know.

Coming out of the gym 45 mins ago, I ran into the floor manager there who stopped me to chat. We have a bit of a history; I used to think he was cute when he was a personal trainer and then we started talking and he wanted to hang out. I was fine with it as long as it was on a friendly basis. The guy was an octopus and I found him such a social spaz that I stopped contact with him altogether and stopped going to that gym. Now that I’m training my coworker at the gym and she doesn’t have membership to the other gym I had been going to at lunch, I’m back to dealing w/him. He again asked for another shot, having complimented me to death that I’m “hot.” (In my rat-shit look.) I said I’m dealing with too much as it is to handle anything other than friendship. He was agreeable, and I said, “Wait. As long as ‘hanging out as friends’ isn’t the same ‘hanging out as friends’ as you handled it last time.” He said, “No, I learned my lesson from last time!” Maybe this isn’t a good idea at all, but I don’t want to be a bitch to him because to train my coworker, I’m gonna have to be at that gym A LOT now. Maybe I’ll just let him and this other guy who works at the gym who started following me around and talking to me yesterday (and again did so today) duke it out.

As of 11:45 a.m. this morning, “Wilco” put up a hit counter for me, just for my curiosity, so I get to see how many hits I have on my site as of that time. Thanks, Wilco! Let’s see…97 visitors in the last 2 hours. (It’s on the right under the last sidebar box.)

I don’t even know why this information has any importance. Curiosity kills cats, so it’s a good thing I’ve got 9 lives.

The look today is best described as “rat-shit.” Didn’t do my hair, eyes are back to “shit-brown.” I decided to give them a break since the colored contacts have been overworn. After I did my face, I gave my overall look a once-over and thought, Good gawd, I really do need more beauty sleep, cuz beauty ain’t one of my descriptors right now. I even got home at a decent hour last nite, barely past 11:30p, and I was up till after 3a unloading on Mike and Jimmy via IM. Mike, like many before him, advised me to not overthink things and get some sleep. Strange thing is, of all the overthinking I can be doing, it is so against my nature that I am presently thinking so little and just going with the flow, and life has been wonderful.

I dreamt this morning I was in a partnered dance competition, and as I stood in my partner’s arms preparing to start, I realized I did not know the routine. I think I began to improvise, and then simply closed my eyes and let my partner lead. It was something to let go of my senses and thoughts and simply trust him to guide me and protect me, and as I swirled in his dance, I was safe.