cindy's world

These are my “mysterious,” “cat-like,” “beautiful,” “trippy,” “vampire,” “natural-looking,” “don’t-you-have-shit-brown-eyes-like-me?” gray eyes. (Yes, all adjectives actually used by people regarding my eyes.) Taken today, after 3 days of very minimal sleep.

I’m watching you.

So I’m sitting at work going thru the 3rd full day of jury selection on this case, which is unusual enough in itself to distract me from the fact that I have not received ANY emails today, when normally my inbox is rampant with activity. I wrote myself an email from an outside source just to test. No receipt. The server’s down again. I feel so alone…

me and Grace at her bridal shower, April 10, 2004

I was doing a massive digital photo review last nite, and for the first time, opened the CD case that contained a CD-Rom of Grace’s photos. Upon Grace’s passing last October, her uncle had collected photos from all stages of her life and put together a memorial book for her. I’d also loaned my entire photo album collections from high school to her uncle for this purpose. The rough photos and completed pages, along with other miscellaneous things related to Grace (poems, etc) were in the CD-Rom.

I thought I’d dealt with Grace’s passing fairly stoically, but I could never bring myself to view the CD-Rom. I’d always attributed it to laziness. However, with someone very supportive “with” me via IM, I popped the CD in… and cried my eyes out. One of the most significant things to me was the digital image of the back of a photo Grace had given me (which I’d forgotten about), on which she’d written:

The funny thing is now, 12 years later, I still change my outgoing message regularly, altho now it’s a cell phone instead of an answering machine (currently it says “Hi, I’m out hunting buffalo. Leave a message!”) And she advised me about men unworthy of me all the way thru to the last time I saw her alive.

It was a good cathartic release, and I was given great support and comfort as I shared Grace and Justin (her husband)’s story and some of their photos. Thanks, Kevin.

I think I am officially in a workout funk. I’m usually very good about hitting the gym every lunch, plus something after work (jujitsu, straight-cardio like running or elliptical). The last time I’d been to the gym was last Tuesday. There’s been excuse after excuse since then, and other lunchtime plans, so I just told myself I’d take a week off. Well, today’s Wednesday, but all I want to do right now is sleep. I did yoga last Wednesday, so I can scrape by with the justification that a week off ends today so I should go to the gym starting Thursday (tomorrow).

Yeah, I’m gonna take a nap for lunch today.

Some “official” info on sleep deprivation (thanks, Jade), quoted in pertinent part only:

With enough sleep deprivation, it has been found that some begin to
hallucinate and develop mood swings. Higher-ordered cognitive tasks become
more difficult to do where it has been shown that tests that require speed
and accuracy have lower results compared to those that are not sleep
deprived. Judgment is also impaired; it has been tested that riskier
behavior is more likely to occur when sleep deprived.

Had I known yesterday that I’d have a medical, scientific, biochemical excuse for my behavior, I would’ve done more stuff.

(Of course I’m kidding. I think. Don’t think less of me; my judgment’s impaired.)

Talk about utter disregard of the advice in my horoscope. I must’ve been drunk last nite. Except I didn’t drink. So maybe I was delirious from lack of sleep? Went to bed Sunday nite (technically Monday morning) at 4am, and last nite (technically this morning) hit the hay at 5am. And yet today, I managed to look semi-decent for work. I was at the Clerk’s Office downstairs earlier writing file requests and a coworker buddy of mine walked over and said, “Hey. You can’t come down here lookin’ all hot like this.”
“Why, what happens?” I asked him.
“You’re a distraction. People can’t get their work done.”
I thanked him for making my day so early in the morning.

Last nite, walking down the hallway, I passed Dodo who was lounging on the floor. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” he meowed at me.
“You wouldn’t feel that way if you weren’t neutered,” I quipped.

It’s been a very up-and-down day today. I was high as a kite, and then was stupid enough to open an email from someone chewing me out and I crashed again. Then a few more emails from people who actually have positive things to say instead of insults to me, and I’m high again. And after some silence, I’m down. Then I get a phone call from a guy trying to guilt-trip me. Then I got a polite rejection, and I’m not sure where that puts me. I think I’m generally a bit low. And yes, there are hormones contributing to this roller coaster. That and the fact that I didn’t get to bed until 4:30a.

I just retrieved my horoscope for the day, which I wish I’d seen before the day started. Anyway…Jade, this one’s for you, cuz this horoscope apparently just reiterates what you’d already told me earlier:

Today’s Forecast
Sometimes when your own motives are in doubt, it’s best to look the other way instead of rushing head on into a situation. Don’t ignore it, exactly — just put it on the back burner until you’re more sure of yourself.

The Bottom Line
Your memory is a steel trap. What you need to recall will be at your fingertips.

In Detail
An automatic response may be exactly the wrong move to make today, so make sure you think before you do just about anything. A few hot potatoes may get tossed your way, but you can still take a moment or two to consider the best course of action before committing to one way or the other. In fact, just taking those split seconds to get a grip on the situation could make all the difference in the world.

Oops. I’d already done a few things rashly and had, well, unkind results. Oh well. 5 o’clock whistle blew, and I’m blowin’ this joint.

(See 8-20-05 entry, “Friday, and the Promise of Good Things.”)
Brad thought it would be a cakewalk to get his DUI charges dropped, until the surprise witness walked in the door.

We all know “who dunnit.”

Me, Brad & Val reconciled after I took Brad’s bribe and only imposed a sentence of having to take us out to dim sum on Sunday.

I don’t like it when photos are taken by people taller than the subject. We look unproportionally midgety. (I forwarded this photo to the judge. He phoned me from chambers and said in a mock-stern voice, “Ms. [my last name], a photo shows you standing in my well.” I forgot about the evidence of us being in the forbidden space, but hey, it’s my bailiff’s job to keep people out and posing us in the well was HIS idea!)

Yin yang, Newton’s Law, whatever the natural or supernatural forces you choose to believe in, has made the pendulum swing the other way.

The four-star, all-inclusive Dreams Cancun Resort & Spa that Diana and I have had our eyes on has been $213/nite as the best price I could find for the week we’re gonna be in Cancun. Just today, I get an email from Diana that says “dreams is having a super sale, $150 /night.” And subsequently, “Airfare about the same too.”

My response: “OH NO WAY!!!!!!!!!! And we just got a 15-count child molestation criminal trial…this is a great day! A GREAT DAY!!!” We’re gonna book our vacation today at lunch. If anything’s worth missing a lunch or a lunchtime workout for…

I was so excited that when the criminal attorneys came in for their trial and I saw one of my favorite DAs, I actually threw my hands in the air and said “YAY!!!” My boundless joy was so apparent that the public defender, who I do not know well, noted, “Gosh, this is such a happy court.” No one has ever said that about OUR court. Never. Quite the opposite. The judge is in a great mood after seeing the attorneys, too. He respects the DA greatly, and apparently was a juror in a case tried by the PD before he became a judge. He’s all cracking jokes off the bench and laughing.

And just now, I got a phone call from a fellow clerk, who gave me the AMAZING news that a difficult, overly complicated, multi-party car accident civil trial we have coming back in September, has just been settled in its entirety by his judge.

I’m so happy that I’m afraid of the other shoe dropping! Or maybe I already earned this wonderful karma I’m getting today. *dancing vigorously in seat*

You ever felt really practiced in juggling, and then you get out there, start your act with all the confidence required, but as more and more balls are thrown in your loop and the time between moves gets shorter and shorter, you suddenly start panicking and you think, “I can’t do this! What was I thinking?!”

Well, that’s where I am. “What was I thinking?! I’m not ready for this at all! I’m not a juggler by nature!”

Except, let’s make this a bit worse. Let’s say the balls have feelings so that if you drop them, they hurt. In fact, let’s say the balls are tiny little puppies who are counting on you to keep them from hitting the ground and breaking something, and you’re so scared to hear the pained yelp of an injured puppy.

I am.

And now that I’ve written this and then given this post a title, yeah, a better metaphor would be the Chinese saying about how when you’re hungry, you think you can handle more food than you actually can so you over-order and can’t finish it, because it turns out your eyes are bigger than your mouth.