cindy's world

I was telling a friend about the awful IM conversation I had yesterday, and I came up with a brilliant idea for AOL. “AIM should add to its muti-media functions with one of those boxing glove things that come out of the monitor and hits the other person on the head.” I thought it was a great idea and I should patent it right away. After all, I AM close friends with a patent attorney who has been MIA for the entire weekend. *nudge nudge* My friend said, “I think that that would be highly hazardous to men’s health.” Especially men who talk to me. The vision of lawsuits made me tuck that idea away for now.

In another conversation, we were talking about drama queen women who seem to only fall for men who are impossible to get. You know, where she’s out in search of the fairy tale where she has to surpass obstacles and puzzles to win the happy ending against all odds.
“Look, I’ve built a boat out of leaves and sailed thru alligator lake and tricked the evil dragon into eating the enchanted berry so that while it slept I could search thru the cursed castle to find the magical harp so that I could bring it back to you and sing you a song with it to break the curse of blindness that an evil enchantress had cast upon you years ago! How could you not love me?”

Well, it was funny to me. How come no one else is laughing? No one gets me. *sigh*

I met up w/Brad and Val at Sam Woo in Rowland Heights for dim sum this morning. You really can’t beat the three of us stuffing our faces with delicious Chinese food and having the total bill come out to $23. Afterwards, I forced them to drive all the way to The Block at Orange and we walked around, let our food digest, had overpriced Italian gelato, people-watched, chatted, and then after Brad gave me a bag of lychee, they left to begin their long drive home.

I wish I had friends like them who live closer to me. 🙁
But I’m so glad I met them this summer. Thanks. 🙂

Well, I had a pretty wasted Saturday. I did not one thing productive. In the morning, I talked to my friend who invited me to the Los Angeles b-day party and asked her for details. She knew surprisingly little, and then said she’d call me back. I assumed she was gonna get info and then get back to me. She didn’t call me back until 6 hours later, and by then I had already told my mom that I could not attend my godbro’s bbq (send-off party as he’s leaving for UC Berkeley tomorrow), and then I get the call from my friend, and part-way into the conversation, I said, “Wait. If you’re breaking up w/your boyfriend, is the party for his friend tonite still on?” She said, “Well, it is, they’re still having a party, but we’re not going.” Well, thanks for letting me know.

As for meeting up with Brad and Val after they come back from Disneyland? I knew we were going to eat, so I didn’t eat dinner, just snacked on juice and pumpkin seeds and at 10, decided I had enough time to take a nap (Brad’s ETA was about midnite). True to his word, Brad called my cell phone at a little past 11pm to tell me where they’re going to be at 12a, but I was still asleep and didn’t get the voice mail until 1:45a. ARGH! Stupid PMS making me all lethargic. I didn’t even work out, even tho I’d changed to workout clothes and am even now wearing them.

I got into a spat over the phone with someone, because after I answered his inquiry about the godbro concept (how my godbro came to be my godbro), he laughed and said, “That is soooo lame.” I said, “Are you calling my parents lame? You don’t even know me well enough to make that kind of judgment call about my parents,” and it just snowballed from there. After I called Mike and asked for his perspective (he felt that the comment, altho insensitive, was likely not aimed at my parents) and vented, I felt better, and then I logged into email and saw a cutsie little email the same guy had written me Friday afternoon, and then I felt bad again. Well, if I never hear from him again, I can deal with that.

While I was online, someone I had dated for 6 weeks before I started dating my cheating ex IMed me. I was being pretty aloof to his small talk, as I had already told him that I wasn’t interested in pursuing something again the last time he asked me (a couple weeks ago), but then he asked me if I’m “ever going to hang out” with him again. I answered clearly and bluntly, “Probably not.” He seemed miffed, so I explained that the last time I just needed a friend when I found out my ex cheated on me, I thought he understood that and despite his agreeing when I explicitly asked him not to do anything, he was an octopus.

I’m gonna go into detail about this jaw-droppingly delusional conversation, so if you don’t want to read this, don’t click on the “more.”

(more…)

After I sent off Brad and Val in the late afternoon, I turned in the lobby to go back to the elevator when I was stopped by a sheriff friend standing behind the security counter, calling me and waving me over. I stood on the public side of the high counter as he stood inside the little security office facing me. He said in a low voice, “Hey. You wanna see a lobster?”

I looked at him suspiciously. My mind raced with the possibilities of what he may be about to say to me, or worse yet, expose to me. “Is that a euphemism?” I asked. I thought he responded affirmatively, which made me not want to play any further, since there were other patrons of the court, sheriffs, security personnel, and security cameras in the lobby. He whispered for me to go into the security office. I stood there unsurely. “Come in!” he said more firmly. So I did. He pointed me to a nylon canvas mini cooler, and unzipped it. I imagined what would be about to jump out at me as I become the butt of some joke I didn’t yet understand. Nothing jumped out. I peered in.

I was actually looking at a large live lobster with its tail curled underneath him barely contained in the tiny cooler.

Well, I’d suspected they were out to make me feel stupid, and feel stupid I did.

Aside from my supervisor’s chastizing solicitation of a verbal agreement from me to complete 82 fking divorce cases in the next 17 work days in addition to my regular workload, Friday was a DAMN good day. Damn it. Damn, damn. (Okay, so I’m still upset about the fking family law crap.)

In the realm of his work, a friend I don’t see nearly enough popped by the courthouse Friday and we had fun catching up with each other. Brad and Val also visited in the afternoon. They drove in from San Jose early in the day, and as they plan to be in Disneyland all day today, my bailiff was nice enough to pick up 2 discount tickets from the Sheriff’s Dept at lunch for them. Since we’d concluded our court trial the day before, nothing was going on in the department so my judge came out and met them, then donned his robe and posed for some photos with us. I wish I had them to post now, but they’re in Brad’s camera. Since Brad brought his laptop with him on this trip, MAYBE HE’LL READ THIS AND EMAIL ME THE PHOTOS ASAP. =) Brad and Val are both good sports in my cheesy photo antics, as you guys know from the July 4th weekend photos posted on my blog. I’m gonna try to meet up with them some time this weekend, maybe late tonite or tomorrow before they leave to drive home. We were gonna meet up last nite after my dinner plans, but they were too tired and crashed instead. That worked out for me, as I didn’t even come home until almost 6am this morning.

After work, I drove to Irvine to meet up with my cousins Diana and Jennifer at their house in Irvine. They have a really nicely decorated place! It’s very femme and creative. Our cousin Olivia also joined us, with husband Eric and daughters Nikki (5) and Erin (2) in tow. Olivia was so cute. She’s missed her carefree days of romping around with us now that she’s heavily into family responsibilities and real-life issues. When we were walking to the cars to take off to the restaurant, she started toward their car, then paused and said, almost whinily in Chinese, “Aww, I so want to sit with you guys!” We told her she’s welcome to, and she got all excited and said “Okay! Lemme ask my husband.” She ran over to him and asked if she could ride over to the restaurant with us, like a little girl hoping her dad would consent to letting her go out and play. I assume by the way his butt and legs stuck out of his car as he loaded the youngest into the carseat that he agreed, and Olivia came skipping, SKIPPING! back toward us with a huge smile on her face. A few more skips, and little Erin’s audible wail for “Maaaaaa!” permeated the air. Olivia froze, turned around, then back toward us, and the same huge smile came back as she skipped the remainder of the way to our car. Even with their car door closed, we could hear Erin crying. “Ooh, Eric’s gonna have a bad drive to the restaurant,” Jennifer said. “That’s okay, it’s only for a few minutes,” Olivia said dismissively.

We had a delicious dinner at King’s Fishhouse in Laguna Hills. Their something-bikini martini, however, could’ve been a little more fruity, a lot less starter-fluid-y. Blech. We took a photo of the four of us cousins at the table which I hope I’ll get from Olivia soon. The lack of sleep and food coma caught up with me and as we returned to Diana and Jennifer’s house, I was invited in to crash for a few hours and all three of us did, in the living room in front of their TV, until Diana and I woke up around 3:30am and watched the remainder of “White Chicks” which was playing on Starz!. It’s a pretty typical night of falling asleep in front of the TV and waking up in the middle of the nite for me, but I’d never driven over half an hour afterwards before.

Oh, I also missed some calls from some friends at dinner, and one was from my girl friend inviting me to go to a huge party tonite. The birthday boy’s turning 40 (I can’t even imagine!) and has rented out the ballroom of a hotel in downtown LA. That should be interesting.

…or maybe new possibilities.

OMG, I did it. I can’t believe I did it. It’s a low I’d always been actively resistent to sinking to. I’d always said I do not want and do not need to resort to this.

Insomnia is NOT good for me. I am NOT in my right mind. This is why infomercials play in the middle of the night, because the audience is disoriented and not in touch with reality and therefore more gullible and subject to influence. I can’t begin to list all the crap I got suckered into shelling out money for because I was hit up in the middle of the night. I even almost joined the Navy once.

At least this’ll keep me busy for the time being.

…I can’t believe I did it!

If you ever get the chance to listen to George Michael’s rendition of this Bonnie Raitt song, you should. He sings it less country and more soft rock, but the rise and fall of emotions behind his voice and his precisely delayed verbal beat on certain lines makes it so incredibly heart-wrenching.

I CAN’T MAKE YOU LOVE ME – George Michael

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize
Don’t patronize me

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
And I can’t make you love me
If you don’t

I’ll close my eyes and then I won’t see
The love you do not feel, when you’re holding me
Morning will come, and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

And I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no, you won’t
And I can’t make you love me
If you don’t

Ain’t no use in you trying
It’s no good for me baby without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in
Baby
Oh yeah
Someone’s gonna love me

The Coriolis effect is making me nauseated. Wow. I am seriously bummed. I’m trying to tell myself that this is just the result of my imagination going crazy on me, but what it feels like is too similar to how I felt in the relationship when I sensed that sht was going down involving her. I also know that instead of investing energy into convincing myself it’s not true, the energy should be going into getting me to the point of, “Whether it’s true or not, I don’t care.” I’m not there. Instead, I wanna curl up and cry.

Please, God, please please please let this be over soon. I can’t be hurt by the same thing over and over again. I can’t do it anymore.

I thought a lot about my ex today for some reason. Lots of things reminded me of him, as lots of things normally do, but today I wasn’t able to just push all thoughts away the moment they reared their ugly heads. The result was I spent too much time rethinking things I should’ve said or done, and things that were done to me.

In my boredom driving home, I decided to reach some old contacts, and one friend I called is married to one of my ex’s closest buddies. I originally called her to say hey and ask if she and her hubby (the only friend of the ex’s whom I’m still very fond of) still had my Lord of the Ring DVDs. But as the phone rang, I suddenly had the sick feeling that she may know something about my ex’s current situation and casually tell me. I became horrified and hoped desperately that she wouldn’t pick up the ph0ne, and yet I was unable to hang up. As the ringing continued, I thought about how I’d feel if I found out the ex indeed got together with the student he cheated on me with. I would, even now, be absolutely devastated. It would feel like all the talk and the convincing he had given me about how he no longer has feelings for her, that she was just a weird phase, that he loves only me, that he never loved her, that he has no interest in even pursuing a friendship with her any longer, that there’s no future between him and her, that she’s far from perfect, that he hated her for being the reason our relationship destructed, that he hated himself for destroying our relationship for nothing and she was the nothing, that he was so mad at her for contacting me and telling me things about them that he wanted to go kill her, that he couldn’t be with anybody or love anybody for a long time, if ever again…it would feel like all of that, and the measure of comfort believing those things gave me, would be all lies. It would feel like I made him a better person so that he could give it away to the most undeserving of people, the most hurtful person he could get together with where I’m concerned. But that’s already happened once. I bought all the stuff he said before, too, about how insignificant she is to him and how “she’s not a threat to” me, only to find out that it was all untrue, and he had bled me for her. Repeatedly. Until I had literally almost reached death three times. It hit me today why I was so passionate about the Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt split. I had already a very severe distaste for angelina jolie, and I was a huge, HUGE fan of Aniston’s (I’m indifferent toward Pitt), so when crap was rumored and Aniston filed for divorce papers, I understood exactly where she was coming from. And after she moved out despite Pitt’s continued attempts to convince her nothing was going on between him and jolie, and now the relationship between Pitt and jolie has hit mainstream news and people can’t understand why Aniston is devastated and hurt because after all, she’s the one who wanted the divorce and moved out, I understood that perfectly, too. It’s because in spite of all her gut feeling that something is seriously wrong, a part of her heart still clung desperately to the belief that her husband did not lie to her, that despite feelings for another woman (who wanted to be a MORTICIAN and took embalming classes and instead of exchangnig wedding rings w/her last husband, exchanged vials of each other’s blood which they wore around their necks), he did not betray her and he would not get together with a woman whose existence destroyed his marriage.

Yeah, everything goes back to “Friends.” Speaking of friends, thank God the friend never picked up her cell. I didn’t leave a voice mail.

…but it’s starting to feel like that’s all I do!

My friend wrote a blog entry today about her disappointment in people who take the sanctity of marriage lightly, and how despite their belief that the marriage will likely end in divorce, they get married anyway. Like, “We’ll try this out, and hell, if it doesn’t work, we can always get divorced.” She’s very much against that frame of mind.

Well, my work day took a very frustrating turn shortly before lunch, to the point where it so soured my day that I couldn’t even do my usual lunchtime workout — I had Jack-in-the-Box instead. I had been trying not to blog about it because I didn’t want to ruin this rare “happy streak” appearance that I’m giving out on my blog. However, this opened the door, so I’m gonna share my comment on her blog w/my readers, too:

Tell me about it! I hate, HATE family law divorce cases that I have to process. I had a NIGHTMARE last nite about people coming into my courtroom to inquire as to the progress of their divorce case. And today at work, aside from numerous phone calls from people “checking on the status of my divorce judgment,� my SUPERVISOR came up and handed me a fax from some b!tch demanding special favor to push her divorce thru, and also LYING about contact with me. He made me type up a list of my hundreds of pending divorce cases and what date they came in. These people piss me off so bad, I want to yell into the phone at them, “If you’re gonna be so rude about this, guess what? I’m NOT divorcing you! So there! You’re gonna have to file your taxes this year as married! HAHA!� *CLICK* So people should really do ME the favor, even if they’re not doing themselves the favor, of NOT getting married if they believe it will end in divorce! In fact, I’m gonna blog this on my site. This is such a SORE SPOT with me.