First of all, it has sucked that I couldn’t write what I wanted to write in my blogs, this outlet for all the happiness, sadness, stress or anger that I feel, just because my ex has found his way to this site. But I have creative license. It’s like radio programming. It’s free, so if the listener doesn’t like what he/she hears, there’s no loss, just change the station.
Second, I don’t make false claims to represent anyone, speak for anyone but myself. I am not advocating anything, or advertising anything.
Third, he’s already said that he was going to stop reading my site, and he has since then had many adverse reactions to what he’s read on this blog. If you know you can’t handle it, don’t read it. We’re all adults. Let’s deal with life with some maturity.
So this is why the last few posts have been more unadulterated.
Fourth, just to straighten the record, no, the ex is not just a drunk jerk who has treated me like crap in our relationship, neglected me, cheated on me and lied to me. He is also a great friend to have (hey, he even rolls his girlfriend(s) under the bus to benefit his friends, so if you’re gonna aim to be anything with him, the most advantageous position is to be his friend), if you’re a girl and you want to be his friend, all his female friends are “friends with benefits.” He’s also an excellent optometrist, he knows his stuff both in eye care and eye disease. I hear he’s also a great clinical professor. Just ask his students (some of whom have slept with him, even when he had a girlfriend, one of these girlfriends being me). He’s also an aspiring poet. You can ask his female “friends” to show you the love poems he’s written us all to make us feel “special.” He’s smart, smarter than most women he’s dated, cuz he was able to fool them all into thinking that he’s faithful and loving. And he’s wonderfully affectionate. Ask all the girls who he’s seduced into bed (while he had a girlfriend) by saying things like “I’m so affectionate with you. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to be like this and feel this way with someone.” And he’s got a very healthy ego. All these women are “making passes at” him and he could have anyone he wants, strippers are constantly throwing their numbers at him and begging to go out with him when they get off shift, and even I, if I were making love to someone else at this very moment, would be thinking of him. And he feels he’s given so much after we broke up, but I’m just too blind to see it. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I see that he’s offering me what every woman out there would die to have in my place? He just bought a beautiful house, he has a thriving respectable business, he makes good money, and darn it, he loves me.
Because, it’s not just about love. It’s about respect. It’s about loving me enough not to hurt me over and over just to stroke your own ego. It’s about not joining your friends in referring to me as “lockdown.” It’s about sensing what I need, not just demanding what you want. It’s about giving, not just taking. It’s about appreciating what you take. It’s about not taking for granted when I give. It’s about working with me to reach a common goal (like rebuilding shattered trust), not just telling me “You have trust issues and I’m not going to show you anything to prove anything. You’re just gonna have to trust me,” and then going thru my phone bills behind my back even though I wasn’t the one who cheated. It’s about integrity and self-control. It’s about sticking to your word. It’s about being able to trust each other’s values. It’s about phrases like “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” and “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” NOT being applicable in a relationship. It’s about being a team; we’d never survive if you let your loyalty get pulled away in all directions, toward friends who want you to betray me, girls who want you to choose them over me. It’s about so much more than material things like money, houses, and a new Mercedes. Or do you not know me at all? I don’t want a rich guy. I want someone I can be proud of. If he’s struggling, at least I can be proud of him for his efforts. I can pitch in a hand to help a struggling business. I can’t deal with a man whose ego over his profits is so large that he thinks men are trying to pick up on him because he’s all decked out in his bling bling and Kenneth Coles.
I don’t mind living a humble life. I just want to be able to sleep at night. I already know I can’t sleep when I’m with you.