cindy's world

It’s amazing how moods and memories are controlled by music. I can’t listen to any hip hop that came out between mid-2003 and mid-2005 without heavy duty stress and subsequent foul mood, so if this is all the radio’s playing, I have to listen to talk radio or a CD. I love songs that remind me of high school and college. Today, driving home, I popped in a CD that took me back to the beginning of 2003, a time when I felt sexy, empowered and free. I instantly fell back into that mindframe, and the drive back home was absolutely euphoric. I even took a way that I knew would take longer due to road construction, just so I could enjoy the music longer. I need to make a CD of songs that make me want to grind the dance floor.

Things to remember (inspired by a conversation w/a friend earlier):
* guys get interested fast, but they also lose interest fast
* situations that run their course quickly also change quickly as they run out of course
* things will run their natural course whether or not I sweat it

That being said, things to look forward to this weekend:
* this afternoon, with a good friend subbing in as my bailiff
* this evening, hanging at Outback after work
* this Saturday morning, Taiwanese breakfast with my college best friend to catch up on each other’s lives
* this Saturday afternoon, meeting up w/a friend I’ve had since 3rd grade, an 80 minute massage at Burke Williams Day Spa at The Block at Orange, and subsequent hanging out, shopping, eating at The Block
* this Sunday, visiting my parents then meeting up w/my ex roommate/ex personal trainer at my house so he can help me take care of a chore, then we’re going out to dinner

We just had a 10 minute break in our trial, and the defense attorney and I got into a conversation about dating. He told me about a girlfriend he had long ago; the relationship was cut short when she was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. We discussed the mentality of these jealous stalkerish murderous exes.

“The moral of all this, of course, is that men suck,” I concluded matter-of-factly.
“What? Not all men! I have single male friends who are wonderful people,” said the attorney.
“Yeah? Then why are they still single?” I challenged.
“Well, by the same token, I can ask why you’re still single.” Typical attorney talk.
“Because men suck!” It’s a simple concept to me!

…in retrospect, I should’ve gone for the shock value answer. “Because the State of California won’t legalize same-sex marriages!” would’ve been a good choice.

At Jade’s request, the “before” gray eyes look.

Also a day in which I slept very little. Up at 4am, then a very full day playing bridesmaid at Vicky’s wedding; this shot was taken at like 2am later that evening.

The A/C at work is ridiculous! They let us decide how long to put a man in prison for, but they won’t let us decide what temperature the courtroom should be. The result is we’re at the mercy of the unpredictable air conditioning. Each floor’s different, each courtroom’s different, and most of them are extreme.

I can literally hear the air blowing all morning. It’s like I’m sitting in a blizzard, except I’m in heels, a skirt and short sleeves. I told my reporter just now, “It’s freezing! If there were a baby white seal in here right now, I’d club it and make myself a fur coat.”
My vegetarian reporter whimpered, “Oh! Cindy! Take that back!”
I looked at her pained expression. “Okay, I wouldn’t. I’d hug it for body heat.”
“That’s better!”

I was so geared up to finally hit the gym today, and not just some wimpy workout. I wanted to slam the weights, carve into my abs, go until my legs couldn’t support my weight any longer.

And then my judge announced his intent to work us through lunch.

As my jujitsu instructor would say, “Stercus accidit.”

These are my “mysterious,” “cat-like,” “beautiful,” “trippy,” “vampire,” “natural-looking,” “don’t-you-have-shit-brown-eyes-like-me?” gray eyes. (Yes, all adjectives actually used by people regarding my eyes.) Taken today, after 3 days of very minimal sleep.

I’m watching you.

So I’m sitting at work going thru the 3rd full day of jury selection on this case, which is unusual enough in itself to distract me from the fact that I have not received ANY emails today, when normally my inbox is rampant with activity. I wrote myself an email from an outside source just to test. No receipt. The server’s down again. I feel so alone…

me and Grace at her bridal shower, April 10, 2004

I was doing a massive digital photo review last nite, and for the first time, opened the CD case that contained a CD-Rom of Grace’s photos. Upon Grace’s passing last October, her uncle had collected photos from all stages of her life and put together a memorial book for her. I’d also loaned my entire photo album collections from high school to her uncle for this purpose. The rough photos and completed pages, along with other miscellaneous things related to Grace (poems, etc) were in the CD-Rom.

I thought I’d dealt with Grace’s passing fairly stoically, but I could never bring myself to view the CD-Rom. I’d always attributed it to laziness. However, with someone very supportive “with” me via IM, I popped the CD in… and cried my eyes out. One of the most significant things to me was the digital image of the back of a photo Grace had given me (which I’d forgotten about), on which she’d written:

The funny thing is now, 12 years later, I still change my outgoing message regularly, altho now it’s a cell phone instead of an answering machine (currently it says “Hi, I’m out hunting buffalo. Leave a message!”) And she advised me about men unworthy of me all the way thru to the last time I saw her alive.

It was a good cathartic release, and I was given great support and comfort as I shared Grace and Justin (her husband)’s story and some of their photos. Thanks, Kevin.

I think I am officially in a workout funk. I’m usually very good about hitting the gym every lunch, plus something after work (jujitsu, straight-cardio like running or elliptical). The last time I’d been to the gym was last Tuesday. There’s been excuse after excuse since then, and other lunchtime plans, so I just told myself I’d take a week off. Well, today’s Wednesday, but all I want to do right now is sleep. I did yoga last Wednesday, so I can scrape by with the justification that a week off ends today so I should go to the gym starting Thursday (tomorrow).

Yeah, I’m gonna take a nap for lunch today.