cindy's world

I took the day off of work yesterday. I called my supervisor and explained that my bad infection of a couple weeks ago, for which I’d recently finished my entire 10-day round of medication, did not go away.

Today is much worse than yesterday, altho I did struggle in to work. I feel like my entire lower half is revolting against me, and the pain is keeping me from being able to even straighten up. I’d been breaking out in cold sweat all morning, and now I’m on hold with Kaiser trying to get an after-hours appointment. I’ve been on hold for 11 minutes 35 seconds as I type this. Not good. If it’s this busy now, there’s probably no appointment times left today. UGH. I feel like crap.

Update:
Got an appointment for 5:50p this evening. It’s a bit late, but I’m desperate.

Sentencing hearing this morning on a man who shot and killed his wife shortly after she obtained a restraining order against him in the midst of their divorce proceedings. I’m normally pretty jaded about these things and don’t even listen much, but I actually lost it a little. I had to look down and busy myself on conforming some paperwork. The victim’s mom addressed the Court and gave us a glimpse of what the children were going through.

The seven-year-old daughter of the victim (and of the defendant) had asked her grandma, the speaker, to ask the judge, “Now that my mommy’s dead, when Dad dies, will he go to the same place that my mommy’s at right now?” The mother of the victim had told her granddaughter, “No, honey, he did the lowest thing possible before God, he took the life of another person. He will never be where your mom is right now.” The little girl had said, “Good, because I know that if he goes where she is, he will keep hurting her.” The victim’s mother sobbed as she explained how her very young granddaughter still lives in constant fear that even when the defendant is no longer of this earth, that he will still keep hurting her mother.
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I just found out that an event that someone told me he witnessed was completely fabricated. And then it made sense as I realized that the story was invented to make a (completely unnecesssary) c_ck-block between me and the person the story was made up about.

I can not believe the amount of male and female c_ck-blocking, lying, rumors, slander and basically immature playground crap orbiting around me right now. People need to grow up or otherwise leave me alone. It’s really wearing on me.

After a very tough last few years, I have zero tolerance for drama, especially drama that shouldn’t have anything to do with me. I’m merely existing. That’s all I’m doing. I’m not messing with anyone, stepping on anyone’s toes, I’m only existing.

I gotta shake, shake it off
Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere

My court reporter handed me this last week, saying “This doesn’t apply to you now, but tuck it away for the future.”

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises, —
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn —
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn…
With every goodbye you learn.

I kicked some serious butt in jujitsu last nite. I’m itching to actually hurt someone. Went thru a round of backhand hits, front snap-kicks and punches this morning before getting ready for work.

Jimmy, I know how to handle a choke-hold from behind now. Let’s try it again in 3 weeks when I get up there.

I don’t know why we didn’t think to put San Francisco on our list. Oh wait, it’s because the list was local stuff to do. Well anyway, a trip to San Francisco has just been booked for the Veteran’s Day long weekend. We’ll be leaving Friday morning and coming back Sunday afternoon.

And I bet Jen didn’t think we’d really take her up on her offer to cook for us on our next visit. HA! Mike, Brad, Jimmy, Diana, Jen, this is notice for you to clear your calendar for at least one evening that weekend so you guys can hang out with me and Mr. W! (I’m so lazy; I can just email you guys but I’m doing it this way.)

Saturday was a lazy day for Mr. W and me. For the most part, we laid around unproductively and napped frequently. Then late evening, we picked up a Mexican pizza from 3 Alarm Pizza, brought it back to my house, and watched the final 3 episodes of WB’s Angel on DVD, which I’d missed when they aired. Sunday (today), we walked to Starbucks really early in the morning (thank goodness the one about a mile from me opens at 6a on Sundays), had coffee (him), Chai tea with soy (me), cranberry scone, banana nut bread and zucchini muffin, and upon our return to my house, he installed/wired a digital compass in my car that also gave temperature, barometric pressure, altitude readings, and unclogged my upstairs bathroom sink. All voluntarily.

Mr. W met the ‘rents plus maternal grandma today. They’re going to China at the end of this week and I asked my mom if she wanted to meet him before they left. They in turn invited us to dim sum. (Another thing to cross off our list.) I think it went really well. My parents were a bit awkward at first but they warmed up really quickly — especially my dad, once he realized how much in common he and Mr. W have. After dim sum (Mr. W’s first time, he really enjoyed the food), my parents invited us back to their house for a demonstration of a traditional tea ceremony. I’d emailed my mom about how Mr. W was trying to pick out loose tea and asked me what the difference in quality of tea was, and how I couldn’t answer the question but deferred to my parents for that kind of tutorial. So my parents got to show off their tea stuff (some new really interesting pots; one that used some kind of water pressure physics and magnets so that once the teacup is placed at the base of the clay dispenser, it automatically filled the cup and would stop when the cup’s full), my dad got to show off his expansive natural stones collection, and pass on some of our culture and legends. Mr. W ate it all up because he has a natural curiosity toward the histories of other cultures, and he and my dad share so much of the same interests, i.e. nature, animal behavior, fish, etc.
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Yesterday after work, Mr. W and I double-dated with my bailiff and his girlfriend. We went to see comedian Jeff Garcia perform at the Brea Improv. First we all met at Taps Brewery and waited 50 minutes for a table, then another 40 minutes for our food. Man, if it weren’t for good company, my PMS would’ve totally taken over and they would’ve had human tissue all over the nice Taps walls. =P However, I must give props to the “really good cuts of fish,” (Mr. W) i.e. Chiliean sea bass and seared Ahi tuna.

The comedians were pretty entertaining. Some of them were very animated. It was a very Latino-based jokes evening, which is pretty much what we expected from the lineup.

Last nite I truly felt old as I dozed off sitting there (and standing in line) at 11:15p or so. I’ll blame it on the medication mixed with the alcohol. Two drink minimum. At least I’ve stumbled on a cure for my insomnia.

I was feeling so good driving back after lunch. Encouraged by my successful 5K run last week, I figured I’d go for a 4-miler today. I did 4 miles (in 42 mins) plus another lap for cooldown, and aside from the boredom, it wasn’t painful at all. Took a nice hot shower at the gym, chit-chatted with a coworker who was also getting ready to come back to work, drove back to work feeling productive, pulled into the parking structure, parked, turned off the ignition, reached over for my purse. Not there. I looked in and under my gym bag. Nope. Damn it, I left my PURSE at the GYM in the LOCKER! As it was the end of the lunch hour already, I considered going in and checking in first, but instead just backed out the car and went back to the gym. Luckily, it was still there hanging on the hook in the locker. Drove back to work. Walking from the structure back into the c0urthouse, now almost 15 minutes late, I saw one of my supervisors outside overseeing the unloading of some equipment into the front door. DAMN! I walked by him and explained what happened with my purse in a sort of rant. Went to the elevator, waited for the doors to open. Another clerk walked up to me. “Hi. You missed the meeting.” “WHAT meeting?” “The employee meeting at lunch today!” DAMN IT. That meeting date had been postponed so many times that I forgot it was today. I told her, “I just passed by [supervisor] outside and he didn’t say anything.” She said, “Well, he probably didn’t notice you weren’t there. There were so many people there that you may have gotten away with not showing up.” “Except for the fact that I already CONFESSED to him outside that I was at the gym!” I said.

I thought I was functioning so well today, having been up and at ’em since 2:30 a.m.. Instead, it turns out I’m totally absent-minded. As we say in Mandarin, “Toh nau xao yi gun jing,” or “Brain missing one neuron.” Colloquilly (if that’s even a word), roughly, “One card short of a full deck.” Yup. That’s me.

Happy birthday, Grace. Thanks for smiling down on me and setting my life straight for the past year. I know you said, “I can’t help everyone; I don’t have the energy,” but you do anyway. The last time I saw you alive, you stood from the hospital room chair and hugged me goodbye, and said in my ear, “You know I love you, right?” Fighting back tears, I said back, “And you know the same, right?” I should’ve said, “I love you, too.” But I know you know, and I know you knew, and forgave my stupid inability to open up. You’re in a better place than we are, my friend, and you deserve every sweetness heaven has to offer. I’ll see you again soon.