cindy's world

I’ve noticed that I’ve been hardheaded lately. My instinctive response to things is generally a flat “no.” I feel bad about this, but I’m not sure if I should feel bad. I used to have difficulty refusing things that I didn’t feel like doing or eating or watching or participating in, and now I say no without really a second consideration. My low tolerance and refusal to compromise or be more open-minded may be scar tissue. Perhaps I should just be quiet from now on. Not really say yes, but not say no, either.

We were doing a family law court trial the last 2 days, in which a wife has filed for divorce against her husband. In testimony, it came out (among many other issues) that the husband is a frequenter of strip clubs and spends $1000/month on his drug habit. So we already know he’s a winner.

Yesterday, my reporter walked by and mentioned something about the respondent’s lifestyle. And then she added that he had been checking me out every time I stood up or walked to the filing cabinet. I said, “What is it about me that attracts these types?! We’ve both been there, done that, never again.”

Today, my bailiff said, “Didja hear what he did in his marriage, goin to strip clubs and stuff?” I told him yeah. He said, “I’ll tell ya somethin else he was doin. He was checkin you out.” I said, “That’s what [reporter] said yesterday!” He said, “Everytime you got up to walk out or went to the filing cabinet, he was lookin at your behind.” I said, “How do you know he was checking me out as opposed to just looking up when someone walks by?” He said, “I can tell where his eyes are, whether they’re lookin high or lookin low! Here they’re talking about his divorce and alimony and support and he’s not even listening cuz he’s lookin at you.” What is it about me that attracts people who like to abuse substances and betray their partners and frequent strip clubs?

This reminds me of a letter I got from a criminal trial defendant after he was sentenced to state prison (for beating up his step-sister) by my judge. Diana alluded to it in one of her recent comments on my blog. She jinxed me, haha! Well, like my ex had said, “Worry when they STOP lookin’.”

Don’t you guys just love incidentally uncovering money somewhere, like in a forgotten coat’s pocket? Or when you come across cash when you weren’t expecting it, like when someone pays you back on a debt you’d written off in your head? Or maybe you get a surprise in the mail, like I did.

According to a notice I received in the mail, someone named Edell sued Bank of America, N.A. in Pima County Superior Court in Arizona and I am included in this class action suit. They settled, and my settlement check is attached to the notice.

You guys are gonna be so jealous… I don’t know what I did to deserve this financial windfall… I got a check for $0.49. WOOHOO! I can’t wait to go to the bank and cash this in, and collect this sum of money that cost Bank of America $0.37 to mail, and me $1 in gas to drive to the bank, and the bank personnel $35 in costs and salary to process on both the printing and sending end, and the receiving end when I cash it in.

I should just use the check for scratch paper and save everybody trouble and expense.

On the way to the gym at lunch, I actually listened to the words of Tupac’s “Dear Mama.” It is an amazingly touching song.
It’s a struggle everyday, gotta roll on
And there’s no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

It really is nice to be appreciated, and sometimes the best thing to receive is a small gesture saying “I acknowledge what you’ve done, and I appreciate who you are.”

1.) I had to be a buffer in a power play between an irrate party and another party yesterday. The other party was accomodating, and then softened his tone and said in a very off-the-record way, “It must be hard for you sometimes. I just want you to know you’re doing a good job.” Coulda’ brought me to tears, man. *sniff*

2.) We took jury verdicts on our sexual battery trial an hour ago. My bailiff just handed me a pink envelope, which he discovered on the floor. The front says “Madam Clerk for Dept. E”. Inside is a cute little thank-you card, in which a juror had written
To: Maddam Clerk of Dept. E October 2005
First of all, I just wnated to say thank you so much for making my first jury experience such a fun and exciting one. Thank you so much for lightening up the mood of everything. Thanks for easing the stress and nerves of the whole experience. I think it’s so cool how you ease the mood, and I know I’m not the only one who’s thankful for that. Good luck with your profession and all future cases. Thanks again.
Sincerely,…

I go out there and do a whole song and dance with my orientation to the jurors; I know most other clerks never interact with jurors, but I like to make sure they know what’s going on and I crack my jokes with them here and there to get them laughing. I think it’s important that they’re laughing in the hallway instead of griping and contaminating other jurors with their gripes. It’s nice to know that’s appreciated. =)

1.) I’d been working with the petitioner on a divorce case, trying to get his paperwork straight so that we can process it and get his divorce finalized. He called me today to tell me the missing documentation is on its way to me. That led to a conversation about his current fiance, his ex-wife, paths of life and God. He said, “What I wish for you, Cin, is for you to find someone who loves you like Jesus loves his church, who is willing to die for you, and who will find you too important to stray from to satisfy those selfish, selfish temptations. When you have that, all of life will be beautiful.” Weird, huh? We didn’t talk about my life; mostly about his. My “homework assignment” tonight that he gave me is to read the Book of John in the Bible. I may just do that.

2.) I spoke to a very trusted friend after my noontime workout and found out a few things, namely
– Mr. W’s ex is making stuff up
– her alleged “source” of information doesn’t exist, she’s coming up with stuff and pinning it on a nonexistent person so she looks like the innocent person who just “heard” all these random things; she named a category of people as the source of her information, and I just found out that no one in this category talks to her because none of them like her
– her claim that “everyone’s talking about it,” and how the rumors are all over, are all unfounded; no one’s talking about anything (I figured as much), and she’s the only one blowing this up
– she’s had a history of being extremely competitive with other women; the way she sees it, she should be the darling of all men and feels threatened by me
– my friend said she’s very jealous of me and that I should be flattered

Maybe now is the time to have a little fun and stop being so sensitive to other people who aren’t mature enough to deserve this consideration.

It rained in Sunny So Cal on Sunday. Mr. W and I met up with college roommie Diana and her “friend” at King’s Fish House in Long Beach Sunday early evening. Turned out the two men grew up in the same city (out-of-state) and had a few things in common. Such as a favorite local food.

Diana had to split to catch her flight but I wasn’t in a rush, so after dinner, Mr. W and I walked around the Pike at Long Beach in the drizzle. I was holding my closed umbrella in my free hand, and watched others hurry by huddled underneath their umbrellas, too rushed to enjoy the lingering chill, full moon, apricot sky, and changing neon-colored lights against the buildings, bridges, and lighthouse.

We wandered in and out of quaint stores, looked at American Indian crafts and rocks, I bought some sugarfree chocolate truffles, barks and meltaways as he enjoyed his candied apple. I marveled as how much he was like my dad.

This morning, the crisp, wet air brought into mind childhood memories of Christmas, and I re-experienced the twinge of excitement I used to associate with anticipation of large family gatherings, the promise of fun with cousins, family friends and special Christmas desserts. And presents.

After my noontime workout at the gym, I deliberately walked sans umbrella slowly from the parking structure back to the courthouse, enjoying the cooling mist of the October droplets on my skin and hair. I received a phone call shortly after lunch from Mr. W, who asked how my lunch was. Turned out he took the same type of lingering walk in the rain before he went back to work, too.

These are the days of crackling fireplaces, flannel blankets, candles, and hot chocolate.

Mr. W’s ex, I found out on Sunday, has been making some negative judgment statements about me and W. She found out about me a couple of weeks ago when some mystery person decided to tell her some made-up story about seeing me and W together. The story was complete crap, it never happened. His ex started asking their mutual friends questions, and then last week became negatively vocal as she heard more rumors (which I don’t even think are founded) from her unnamed source. I don’t know who’s coming up with and telling her all this garbage, but the person’s clearly just trying to create conflict. By the way, this ex isn’t even a recent ex; this is an ex from 5 years ago; he’s had other girlfriends since then, and she’s currently got a boyfriend, so I’m not sure what her problem is with me.

I have a close friend who, since high school, has attracted aggressive male attention wherever she goes. Men just fall all over themselves to talk to her, and I never get as many calls or male visitors in my courtroom as when she just visited for lunch. Grace had said a few years ago (before she met Justin), “I wish I could live her life for just one day, just to see what it’s like to be her and have all these men after me.” I can’t say I haven’t wished for the same thing before, but throughout college and thereafter, I have seen the dark side of the life of this friend. Sure, there are a lot of men after her, but she has always been the victim of ridiculous rumors, everything from “I heard she got really drunk at a frat party and there were men lined up around the bedroom to do her” to a bartender claiming he actually made out with her in his car outside her regular bar. These rumors are untrue, extremely hurtful to her, and insanely widespread. I think the downside to having so many men fawning after you is that there are lots of angry, rejected and jealous men who are petty and vengeful.

I have a coworker who engaged in a rather controversial relationship years after she divorced her husband. She started dating her ex-husband’s relative, and I remember there being some negative judgment about that as well, either from the family or just random people who have no place talking. Probably both. She kept the faith in her relationship, never let the talk bother her, and at their wedding a few years ago, her daughter made a touching speech and toast tearfully thanking her new stepfather for “making my mom so happy.” To this day, this couple is tight, loyal, and yes, happy. They’d sorta been my inspirational model for the perfect relationship in the real world.

Still, I can’t help but think about my youthful relationships when boyfriends had no petty exes, there was no past to overcome or compete with, and no past girlfriends whom boyfriends refuse to let go or who refuse to let go of the ex-boyfriend. Well, people don’t talk, create havoc or even pay much attention unless they’re unhappy, bitter or jealous, right?

I think the bottom line is that I like my life, I have enjoyed the male attention and dealt with the female “haters”, and if rumors go with it because I’m now seeing someone, then so be it, I’m not trading it in for the happiness I have found in my present life.

I just cast my vote for Maurice Drew to win the Heisman trophy. Our last (and only) Heisman winner was quarterback Gary Beban in 1967.

6-0.

Go Bruins.

After Special Olympics, Mr. W and I wandered around some local shops (reptile, exotic saltwater fish, Asian market, Asian wares, and of course Costco) then headed over to Huntington Beach for my cousin Diana’s birthday potluck at her friend’s house for a joint birthday venture. I went a little jello shot crazy. But aside from the 25 jello shots I had (fine, it’s a slight exaggeration), I only had one Twisted Watermelon Bacardi, so I didn’t drink that much. The food was delicious — Korean BBQ ribs, BBQed chicken and corn, various dishes ordered in bulk from Claim Jumper, Chinese food. There was, just like last year, 7 or 8 desserts, including a carrot cake birthday cake that in mid-bday-song, took a nose dive from the arms of the bearer straight onto the patio floor, frosting-side down. (Last year, another girl had done the same with an apple pie, about 6 feet away from the death of this carrot cake.) This carrot cake was scooped up and placed, face down, on a nearby picnic table. Because we are Chinese and we don’t waste food, a few people we were hanging out with later ate a significant portion of it with their respective forks, Joey-Tribbiani-style. (Mr. W and I didn’t participate in this, because I don’t like carrot cake and because he, I have a sneaking suspicion, thought it was gross to eat motor oil flavored carrot cake. I understand; carrots are vegetables and should not be sweetened and baked into a pastry.)

Late into the evening, I noted to him that I seem to be doing a lot of the same things that I would be doing had I not met him, which must mean that he’s changed his lifestyle a lot to do these things with me. I thanked him for participating in my life and my activities, promised to do one of “his” style weekends soon, and inquired what he’d rather be doing. He smiled and said he’d rather be doing this with me.

Saturday morning, Mister Wonderful (there has been some confusion as to what Mr. W stood for, and some hapless men whose last names begin with the letter ‘W’ misaccused of being smitten with me) and I went to Fountain Valley Bowl to volunteer for a Special Olympics bowling event, which volunteer effort was organized by my cousin Jennifer through her company, Pacific Life Insurance.

Mr. W and I were in charge of 2 bowling lanes (7 special needs bowlers) and may I just say, Mr. W impressed both me and my cousin Jennifer. He was the total perfect volunteer parent type, enthusiastic, encouraging, responsible, had an eye on everybody, remembered everyone’s names, cheered for everyone, kept up the scores in the computer, took care of technical malfunctions. I basically just sat back and did the occasional clap or cheer (just kidding, I kept paper score and made sure my lane of 4 bowlers were content, happy, and went up to bowl in the proper order in their proper lanes, and chased down the one that kept wandering off).

This was Mr. W’s first volunteer experience. You couldn’t tell by looking at him. I’m already just so happy that he’d go along with it just because I’m doing it.