cindy's world

It took me almost 3 hours to fall asleep last nite, and Allie had a 4am awakening and feeding, and that took me another hour to start to doze afterwards, so Mr. W’s alarm woke me up right when I started to doze after that, and the snooze alarm after that. I got about 3 hours of sleep.

I really loved the first Kindercare I visited; they had a brand new infant room as they’d just switched the infants who were there into the toddler room (they “graduated”) and were accepting a new class of infants. It was new cribs, new sheets, new mattresses, new everything. I met the director and the infant room teacher, and they were very loving, professional, and knew a LOT about kids. The director had 25 years of experience and the teacher had 8. There were kids around and they knew everything about those toddlers, what each cry meant, what they needed with a certain behavior. They interacted with the kids, no TV, all age-appropriate and developmental activities. They say it takes the average baby Allie’s age about 3 days to adjust and then the napping goes on according to the baby’s routine and scheduled provided; they’re not conformed to a routine for the location. Teacher-infant ratio is 1 to 4 so they had room for 1 more. Their first new infant goes in mid-month, with an addition of another one each week afterwards for 3. The place was sparkling and their system seemed amazing. I was surprised how much they provided — sippy cups, etc. And it was going to cost less than $320/week for a 5-day plan, less for 3 days and 1 day plans.

I tearfully forewarned Laura before I left (so little time because she came a few mins late again and I had to be at the Kindercare at 10) that Mr. W’s conversation with the renters the day before was not good and it looks very likely that we would have to put Allie in daycare. It was extremely uncomfortable to leave Allie with Laura just those few hours. I checked the cam once and Allie was still down for the morning nap that I’d put her in. Once more, didn’t see anyone and the baby was no longer in her crib. I checked it again on the way home from the bank and saw Laura soothing her in her room, and was surprised because it had barely been over an hour since she woke up. At a red light, saw Allie doing the same thing that happened last time when Laura tried to nap her — Allie was rolling over and crying, unable to soothe herself in the rolled over position. She did not do that when I napped her, she went peacefully, and this likely isn’t Laura’s fault, it was just different for Allie. But I lost it. I was in hysterics. And I also knew I couldn’t do it with Laura. When I arrived home, Allie was laying listlessly in her crib with her eyes open, but soon fell asleep in a different position for her. I tried to gently tell Laura what was going on and the direction headed toward. I explained the financial impossiblity of having her. I wanted to spare her of all my “red flags” about her because there was no point adding insult to injury, I thought, and it was all a moot point anyhow as we can not pay a nanny, especially what she’s demanding of us. And I paid her in cash the hours she’d been at the house for the past 3 days.

The problem with that is that she obviously tried to salvage her job, so she tried to convince me to evict the renters, to keep her on for a few months in case things got better, to try to turn my prior words against me about how Susanne flaked on me and I said I wouldn’t do that to someone else but here I am in that position. I told her no decision was made, I was telling her where things are as soon as possible so that she could put herself out there and not cancel out on other potential jobs, etc. She said she was already committed to this job so it was too late (altho she again didn’t say anything about Saddleback so I think she’s still potentially a hire there). It was uncomfortable and her daughter stopped by while I was still in tears to go with her to their plans. She left soon after because it was apparent I needed to be alone.

I put Allie to a nap around 3p and Laura called me again from there. She wanted to negotiate and threw at me all kinds of things designed to guilt me into keeping her on at least for the month. Given the stuff she was saying, I became less and less inclined to deal with her and felt increasingly uncomfortable by the way she was trying to verbally back me into a corner. I told her I’d talk to Mr. W about her offer and get back to her that evening, but it was a loooong pressure-filled conversation.

Mr. W’s daughter came over with her boyfriend for dinner (she hadn’t been around for a few weeks) and I put Allie to bed, after which, and after many chats with Rebecca with her saying I must cut Laura off immediately because this was going to get worse and I can’t keep her for a month because this is just the beginning of her true colors, I made the call. It was basically her berating me for an hour about what a horrible person and hypocrite and liar and bad mother I am, altho she never used those words. She demanded to know how I could do this given that Susanne did it to me; I tried to explain that Susanne took a better deal for herself, whereas I was in an unexpected situational change and my baby comes first. I did have to tell her how I was uncomfortable with the month because I’d wondered about her priorities being her kids over Allie, which is a good thing for her and I hope to be as good a mother as she is, but bad for me as Allie’s mother. I need to think about the baby’s needs first. She said “Wow, I guess I shouldn’t be honest and tell people about my relationship with my daughters.” It was a lot of comments like that, it sounded like she couldn’t understand or accept what I was saying, didn’t see anything wrong on her end re my feeling insecure about the fact that she wasn’t there as much as I needed during a transition (she said that in every baby book, it says the transition shouldn’t be long, and should be as short as possible, so she already had felt that a week was unnecessary and that a couple days at most was best, but she imposed that on me, not the other way around, and she’d never communicated that. either way, she ought to do it the way *I* need to be comfortable, not the way SHE wanted), said that I had to understand SHE was going thru a transition with HER kids as well cuz when she starts the job she wouldn’t be around for her daughters as much. (They’re grown! And they were allowed to visit!) I was basically passive and explained the things she demanded of me, listened to her rail me and I simply told her I understood how she felt, but that I didn’t feel I have the time she seems to, to drag this on another month at her request. I didn’t feel like I could handle a month of limbo and then another transition after Allie got attached to her. She claimed Allie woudln’t have problems transitioning, so I should allow HER the courtesy of a minimum 2-week notice before termination. I said this isn’t a corporate job situation, this is my baby. She said she would’ve at LEAST done that for ME and I was going back on my word of our agreement. I said we were in a transitional, pre-trial period, it wasn’t to the point of agreement yet, but she disagreed. Besides, after all the berating, I KNEW I could not be comfortable leaving my precious baby alone all day for weeks with her while I was helpless an hour away at work. “I’m just so SURPRISED at your BEHAVIOR,” she kept saying. In the same tone she had said during negotiations, “Well, don’t YOU get paid when you take vacation?” to say why we should pay her full base pay plus any overtime on days of our vacation and her vacation. It ended with her demanding how I could do this, why, how was I different from Susanne? Didn’t like what I said, said we were going in circles, cried, and then hung up on me.

She has my sleep book, and I don’t want to get it back from her.

I had a loooooong talk with Rebecca after that. Rebecca strongly supports me and doesn’t feel I did anything wrong; of course Allie had to come first, and Laura was the beginning of bad news. If she was that demanding already, and controlled things in a way that I was uncomfortable with so immediately, it was going to get worse if she stayed and had a month to attach more — even to the point of lawsuit. Right now, because she’d only been on part-time for 3 days, the courts would see her as just a temporary babysitter who got proper compensation for her time. We were not in a contract period; we weren’t past the tryout period, and I DID give her early notice as soon as I knew things had changed; I didn’t stall her in the dark for a month just to get some use out of her and then say it wasn’t working when I had other things in place. Rebecca found her controlling behavior, and the things she said to me over 3 long conversations to be “appalling,” said I was manipulated, and asked me to put myself in Laura’s shoes; would I tell a new boss or a new judge I’m working for, “You want me in when? No, I’m going to come in later. No, I won’t be in that day, I’m going do spend time with my daughter instead.” Nope, especially not the beginning. And I certainly wouldn’t guilt him for having a problem with it afterwards. She basically feels wronged, and I get that. But to protect Allie, I can NOT have someone like this alone with her. Besides, she was due to take Allie back to her place next Wednesday when the cleaners are here, and we never got the invitation to her place nor do we have her address, all of which were supposed to be covered in the 1st transition week which she blew off.

Last night, I still felt rotten. I hope to get over it very soon.

Day 2 of this transition week. I was so not feeling it after Monday that before Laura arrived this morning, I had to enact a Plan B. I’ve made two back-to-back appointments with the 2 closest branches of a chain daycare for tomorrow.

So here’s how today went. Laura arrived at the agreed-upon time of 10a (a few minutes late). Allie was still sleeping from her morning nap, so we got a chance to talk, and altho she’d said yesterday that given the short day, she insisted on not being paid, today she said to apply the hours she was here yesterday toward “banking” as credit, i.e. she wants “credit” for the hours she’s worked yesterday to apply later when we’re on vacation. So now I have to keep keep a log of hours she’s “preworking” that are going toward future “credit” to be paid for, and days that we’ve paid full wage for her that she hasn’t yet worked that’s owed to us as time. It’s going to be an accounting nightmare.

When Allie awoke from the morning nap, I’d explained how to add a little bit to the 4 oz bag after it goes in the bottle to make a bottle between 4.5 to 5 oz. Then I left her to that as I went to change Allie. When I came back to the kitchen, I saw that she’d overfilled the bottle so that it was past the 5 oz line to where I estimate it was about 6 oz, but I’m not sure cuz that particular bottle size doesn’t have any markings beyond 5 oz and the bottle shape changes a bit as you get to the top. I mentioned she overfilled and that I didn’t want to waste milk that Allie can’t finish. She said as Allie drank all 5 oz yesterday at her bottle feeding, that she feels Allie can finish this, and that it wasn’t THAT much over 5 oz (I disagree), and then asked what I wanted to do, pour some back (which I’d initially suggested) or give it to her? I relented and said she could try feeding it to Allie as I pumped. When I came back downstairs from pumping, she said I was right, and there was a full ounce left over in the bottle she couldn’t get Allie to drink. We managed to salvage that by putting the bottle immediately back into the fridge and deciding to have 2 bottle feedings that day. I’m glad she chose to tell me rather than dump it so that I wouldn’t be upset or know she was wrong.

Allie took 2 great naps that I put her down for; 2 hours 15 mins for the morning nap (which Laura wasn’t here for because she didn’t want to come in early when I was still here), and 1.5 hours for the noon nap that I put Allie down for as Laura watched on the camera downstairs. She’d watched me put Allie down for one or two naps yesterday as well. She didn’t pick up on the details, though…when I had her put Allie down for Allie’s 3rd nap of the day, she bounced Allie around instead of swaying her by gently shifting weight from foot to foot like I do, and it was too much motion to lull Allie to sleep. She also patted Allie’s back and I heard occasional talking to Allie, so it was more stimulation than Allie’s used to. Allie was popped up on Laura’s shoulder and started fussing and crying. So I was thinking, “Just put her down, just put her down,” so that Allie would at least soothe herself to sleep in her crib instead of feeling the strangeness she wasn’t used to. But Laura tried to keep soothing, and kept readjusting Allie, trying to move her hand, move her head, move her positioning. Finally, eventually, Allie had her head down against Laura’s chest altho she never got into instant soothing position like she does on me and never sucked her thumb, but as she started getting sleepy-eyed, Laura put her down in her crib, but didn’t do a transition with her hands like I do, turning Allie sideways and then sliding my hand out once she’s in position. She basically picked Allie up by the armpits, dangling her over the crib, and that woke Allie up even more. Allie ended up popping up in the crib, moving around, crying, and learned to roll over for the first time. So now she was on her back, crying, not used to being on her back during the nap, awkwardly positioned against the side of the crib, staring at the ceiling in the room that she’s not used to seeing from that angle in the daytime. Basically, she cried and moved for half an hour, and ended up not going to sleep. I finally went and got her at 4:30p so that I could feed her, feed her again at 6:30p and put her down early for the night to make up for missing her afternoon nap. (Allie was so tired that as soon as I walked with her into her room to throw a diaper away or to get anything, she thought she was getting her nap and would go into soothing position on me. And she kept yawning, and when I nursed her at 4:30p and 6:30p for an earlier bedtime, she couldn’t even stay awake for a full feeding both times. I’m afraid to think what that’s going to do to her sleep tonight.)

As Laura was getting ready to leave, she asked when I’d like her in tomorrow. Well, given that it was a short day at HER request so that she could leave early, I thought she’d be in at the regular time in the morning since this IS transition week. She didn’t want to do that. She said as she’d expected to be in for the full normal days Thursday and Friday, on Wednesday (tomorrow) she wanted to come in later, even tho she was leaving earlier, too. So I’m going to put Allie to nap at 8:30a, she’ll be here at 9:30a (which cuts it close for me but that’s what she wants to do), and I’m going to leave at 9:45 so that I can make it to the first Kindercare by 10a for a tour, meanwhile Laura is here alone when Allie wakes up and she’ll change Allie’s diaper, bottlefeed her, play with her, and put her to nap around 12p; meanwhile I go straight to the 2nd Kindercare for a 11:30a tour, and I get home a little after 12p when hopefully Allie has been put down and is napping, and Laura leaves with her daughter between 1:30 and 2p. Her daughter offered to bring some Lee’s Sandwiches for us for lunch when she meets her mom here. Just writing all that I’m leaving to Laura tomorrow makes me nauseated. I’m so scared. I guess you can say I don’t have the confidence in her.

I was not impressed Laura’s still reluctant to be here for the full hours, even tho she’d be paid for them. We went for a stroller walk between the 2nd and 3rd (failed) nap, and that went okay. We also played with Allie outside for a bit (Laura took her out while I was cleaning the pump parts). I noticed that she’s not doing anything developmental with Allie. Just playing with her, laughing, talking to her. When we were on the big outdoor bed thing, I suggested we give Allie some exercise so she’d use up some energy before her nap, and Laura said okay, asked what I suggested. I suggested tummy time. She didn’t know what that is. It’s just terminology, but it’s such current common terminology that childcare providers really ought to know them. Mr. W mentioned that he watched Laura try to burp Allie thru the cameras, and agreed with me that she is rusty with infant care; he said she had Allie sitting on her lap like I do trying to burp her, but when Allie didn’t want to sit still and kept straightening her body, instead of burping her in another position, Laura would just pat her back twice, and keep try to readjust Allie’s sitting, then pat twice, while covering Allie’s mouth with the burp cloth with her other hand. Basically it wasn’t working. She wanted to use the Boppy to bottlefeed Allie (which she’d seen me use a few times to nurse Allie), but couldn’t figure out how to use it. She had it turned out so that it made a reverse “U” in front of her instead of going around her waist like a donut. When I turned it for her, she placed Allie in her lap in the hole instead of on the Boppy, meanwhile looking confused. Not a big deal again, except that it shows how she’s very out of date with the infant care thing. And Mr. W has told some people at work about how much we’re paying Laura monthly, and he said everyone balked. When he mentioned that she wanted to be paid max pay for the days she’s taking off, the days she’s on vacation, the days WE’RE on vacation, AND wanted us to pay half her health care, people REALLY balked. I think Laura feels that this is fair because she feels that $11/hour is a super-low wage so her compromise is to get us to pay her consistently whether she’s here or not.

I’m really, really not feeling it. I was in tears this afternoon. Mr. W is increasingly not happy with the arrangement the more time he has to think of it and its ramifications, as well. Taxes, etc. make her even more expensive as we finish the trial period.

Mr. W met up with his renter after work today. The renter is saying stuff like he’s not able to pay like he’d expected once again, and that maybe Mr. W would want to think about putting someone else in the property who could make the regular monthly payments, and meanwhile the renter will move his family out to someplace cheaper and still try to pay back what he owes to Mr. W. This is a scary thought — the implications are that the renters are admitting defeat in getting caught up. Mr. W explained about how it’s going to be very tough for us from now on covering for that mortgage without getting rental income for it because of what we’re going to have to pay for a nanny. When the two left each other, Mr. W got a phone call from the renter with a business proposition. The renter’s wife was a nurse. She’s also a mother of two girls, same ages as Laura’s girls. The renters offered to have the wife nanny for us for free, to sort of “work off” their debt, and that would help us by letting us save on childcare costs. I’m not sure how ideal this is, because I no longer have time to do another transition week with someone else. Plus, I don’t have the heart or the energy for it. I’m so stressed at it is doing it for Laura. I feel like the renter’s wife is in the same boat where she’s also going to be rusty with infant care, so I’m really trading one for the same person, with the exception being that one of the women is free. Also, can I do this without screwing over Laura, given that she appears to have chosen this as her job for the next couple years? Maybe I should talk to her tomorrow about keeping her options open and not writing off the church or the school district job, yet. But would that screw me over as I have to turn Allie over to another stranger?

Watching Allie wake up and toss in her bed earlier, having this discussion with Mr. W, I was ready to hurl.

Nanny Laura came over yesterday and spent half the day with us. She does seem to adore Allie and was trying to get the feel for our routine so far. When Allie went down for her nap, we talked about the terms of her employment. There were several points we had to negotiate and I think we’ve reached a compromise on all of them.
* She wants her average day’s pay (which includes any overtime) on holidays that she’s getting off. We asked to just pay her base time. We ended up agreeing to her request.
* She wants 10 days of vacation a year, to start accruing immediately, and wants to be able to use them immediately. We wanted to abide by the typical rule of her being able to use 10 days vacation a year starting with her 2nd year of employment. The compromise: she starts accruing immediately and can use those days immediately, but if she takes a 5 day vacation in the summer (like she wants) but has only 2 days accrued, she’s not getting paid for the other 3. But then she suggested getting paid as an “advance” on her vacation days, and Mr. W agreed. So pretty much she’s getting what she asked.
* She wants health insurance, but it’s expensive at $400/month from her estimate. The compromise: She pays for it on her own, but once Mr. W’s renters start paying their rent regularly, knowing it could take 6-8 months, we pitch in for half. This was her idea of a compromise, and we agreed. She felt bad that Mr. W is 5 figures in the hole from lack of rent collected but still paying mortgage on the place.
* On days when we don’t need her (such as when we have vacation or are home for a day to take Allie to a doctor’s appointment) but that she’s able to work, she wants full pay, including any overtime she would’ve worked had we needed her. We offered her half. She said she needed regular income for her financial stability and refused to take any cut due to our not needing her. This was troublesome, considering we used to take 4 weeks of vacation a year, so including holidays and her own 2 weeks of paid vacation, we’re basically paying her for something like 2+ months when she’s not even here. So my offer of compromise, which everyone agreed to, was that on days when we don’t need her but that she’s willing and able to work (not including her vacation or holidays), we can “bank” it as “credit” with her. She gets paid for these days with the understanding that on an agreed-upon Saturday or a holiday that she otherwise would’ve had off, she’d come and take Allie for some time without charging extra, so Mr. W and I can have a date, or go see a movie, or go have a meal, go to the gym, etc. That way, she would roughly be working the same number of hours annually that we’re willing to pay her for, but with the days rearranged.

Rebecca has said that she’s very professional, and I’ve found that to be true in her requested work benefits. Most nannies don’t make all these requests, and health care? Really? We’re not corporate employers. So I feel a little disgruntled that she has so many demands that are out of the ordinary for nannies, altho I also feel that her demands are not unreasonable for someone taking employment. She’s never done the nanny thing before so she’s treating this as she would a regular corporate job, altho she makes allowances keeping in mind that it’s not a matter of bargaining with a company, we’re people who are still trying to survive and we have physical limits on what we are ABLE to pay her, it’s not a matter of what we’re WILLING to pay her.

She looked very relieved when she left and gave me a hug, and I’ll type up the agreement at some point (I gave her a copy of our notes and terms). But we still have the understanding that the first few weeks are “trial;” if she finds she can’t survive on what she says is a paycut from what she’s used to, or we find that we can’t afford to pay what we’d agreed upon thus far, we’ll have to figure something else out. I’m thinking the “something else” is going to be daycare. I’m just so sick of this, and I’m totally stressed over how we’re going to do the week she wants off in the summer so she could vacation with her kids. If there were someone out there who knows Allie’s routine who come stay with her for a week, we wouldn’t need a nanny to begin with. Maybe I could take a personal day, Mr. W could take another personal day, and my mom could take the other 3. But she’d have to be here at 6:30a and it’s a long drive. *sigh* I feel like I should be relieved with a nanny in place (like I was with Susanne, who in retrospect was giving us a hell of a deal), not more stressed, like I am. I’m hoping Laura “proves herself” in the next few days so that I’d feel more comfortable, because right now altho I feel like her heart is in the right place with baby care, she’s rusty. She did offer to take the sleep book (“Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” by Dr. Marc Weissbluth) and read it to understand my parenting/sleeping philosophy and to “brush up” on her infant knowledge. So far, my impression of her is that her priority is her kids and she’s willing to take a lot of time off to be with them, which is great as a parent, but I’m afraid it’ll screw us as her employers. She already asked for Wednesday afternoon off of this transition week so she could go with her daughter to see a church’s Easter exhibit and run a personal errand. True there’s some flexibility since I’m still on maternity leave, but I don’t feel like she’s that concerned with our needs as much as she is with her own leisure activities. Again, fine if you’re in a corporate job, the work can wait, but in this job, we’re dealing with a human baby and parents needing to feel like they’re leaving this human baby in competent and caring hands.

So yeah, after ironing out the details with Laura, I’m still not “feeling” like she’s a fixture. It could be just angst from my imminent return to work, as Mr. W suggests, or it could be intuition again.

I need to stop being so paranoid. Either I’m still traumatized by Susanne, or, God forbid, I’m sensing something.

Each time I see I missed Nanny Laura’s call, I’d call voice mail to check her message, my heart pounding, praying she wouldn’t be telling me she’s not going to be able to nanny for us, after all. Of course, it’s never been that. And now she’s started using text messaging, which is great and convenient, but I have the same reaction. Like, yesterday…
*seeing a text message from Laura* *freaking out* *pushing the “read” button, terrified*
“How’s your little sweety? So exited to get to know her better.”
*relieved*
And then just now.
“Need you to know that –”
*freaking out already* *brain completing her sentence with stuff like “…I’m no longer able to be your nanny because…”
“– I have an appointment on Mon –”
*brain completing her sentence with stuff like “…for another job interview that I’m seriously considering…”
“– and won’t be available until about noon. Will you want me to come over then or wait until Tues?”
Whew.
I wrote back, “Sure, noonish is fine. The more time allie spends with u while I’m there, the better, so she knows us ‘together.’”
“Absolutely. So looking forward to it.”
“Me too! Also looking forward to getting to know my new friend laura better.” A grownup to talk to on Monday! All afternoon! Yay! And someone can bottlefeed Allie for me while I pump! Double-yay! (The things I don’t take for granted anymore…)
“So sweet. ”

Rebecca got a last-minute cancellation in her readings this weekend, and immediately contacted me at 12:15p to tell me if I want, her 1-2pm appointment slot is open. I had JUST put Allie down when Mr. W said I’d missed a call from Rebecca, and when I saw the texts, he said, “I’ll watch Allie, you go ahead.” It’s almost an hour drive and I knew I’d miss half the appointment time for such a long drive, but with his encouragement, I left immediately.
I got to Rebecca’s office at 1:30p for a half-hour reading. She had prepared a gift for Allie, a 3-pack of sleep-n-plays, cute shoes, and an adorable bohemian-looking summer top and matching ruffled bottom.
There was a very important message delivered at the reading which appears to be the entire reason the universe lined up to create this opening for me to see Rebecca. I’m grateful for that. I’m also grateful for something very much needed, aside from a hug from a great friend… at the end of the reading, I asked for Rebecca to give me a picture of the future with Allie, something I can hold on to when I’m feeling bad.
She told me Allie has a great sense of humor. She develops this very young, and at age 7 or 8, when certain jokes are supposed to go over a kid’s head, Allie will get them and find them funny. She says kids are unintentionally funny and don’t realize they’re doing something that would make an adult laugh until the adult laughs. Allie will be more like, “Psst, mom, watch this,” and say something to another adult; the other adult will bust out laughing and Allie would give me a secret knowing look. At age 8. She also said Allie will be stubborn (well, she IS my kid). “Not to her detriment, I hope,” I said. She said no, but that I may just have to treat her a little more like an adult and give her options to make her feel in control of her life. Instead of “No, cuz I say so,” I may have to say, “Well, if you do this, then you can do that later on. If you don’t do this now, then when that comes up, you’re not going to be able to do it. What would you like to do?” Then I’d set the boundaries for her decisions, but she understands the logic behind the decisions, the consequences, and can choose what’s best for her. She said Allie is a WONDERFUL person, kind of an old soul, and wants to help people. She is likely to grow up and be a doctor. (I guess I’ll be saving up for med school!) I asked if this is something Allie’s soul has decided before coming here, and she said yes. I wondered what my soul wanted to do in this incarnation. She said I wanted to “know.” I wanted to “understand.” I’d known of the concept of compassion, but wanted to truly “experience” it to understand it. Well, that certainly would explain a lot of what I do and what I’ve been through, why emotional things are so tough on me, but why I want to help and be empathetic to others when they’re in need or emotional pain. My friends can vouch that I do a lot of social counseling for them. The empathic thing helps in that. Rebecca said that growing up, Allie will bring me and Mr. W a lot of laughter and a lot of joy, although I may have to let her make decisions do things that she needs/wants to do at times.

I will cherish this and hang on to it when times are tough. Having an early picture of my labor through Rebecca gave me peace and strength through my entire pregnancy and labor, and both were uncomplicated and smooth. Now when I’m afraid when Allie’s in pain or sick, having crying fits, rejecting bottles or milk or breasts or whatever phase she’s going through, I can think of the larger specific picture of Allie at 8, knowing she’ll survive the early childhood things…Allie as a young doctor, knowing she’s doing what she wants and she’s happy and safe. Knowing 2012 won’t kill us all like my uncle thinks it will if we don’t immediately sell our California properties and move more inland. =/

Thank you, Universe and God, for giving me what I need, once again.

I keep checking my email hopeful that something will turn up, as if I expect an email to say, “Hey, ___ sent me to contact you, I heard you’re looking for a nanny, and I’m available with everything you want, right away.” As if I expect the perfect nanny for us to just drop in on my lap. As if, after I wrote “the list” of what I want in a nanny last night, she would materialize this morning a la Mary Poppins. Or maybe that Susanne would respond to my email and say, “I couldn’t sleep all night, I feel I’ve made a very grave mistake. Can you forgive me and allow me to work for you?” Or, “I’m sorry about the last email; the family’s kid didn’t want me to go so he wrote that email himself, and I didn’t realize it until just now. It’s not from me, and I will be there as we’d agreed in April.”

I have my next therapy appointment at 12:30p today. My mom (and dad?) are coming to watch Allie so that I can do that. I went in to her this morning, and she looked up at me from her crib with a huge smile, one little tooth and one little ridge next to it on her lower center gums, welcoming me as I told her, “Good MORNING, sweetheart!” My heart broke for her. What was going to happen to her? Who will she be with in the day? I used to picture her with Susanne, and now, no picture. So much to tell my therapist since we’d last talked a month ago. Baby teething, baby progressing, nanny found, nanny lost, cat diagnosed, cat medicated. And embryos donated.

My mom emailed me an ad from Craigslist that looked promising, a nanny making herself seem very experienced, has raised 2 kids, seems to live locally. The ad was grammatically well-written. I called the number and her husband picked up, sounded American, said she was unavailable to come to the phone right now but would call me back in 5 minutes. He asked where I live, said they were pretty close and that she used to work around the corner from us (in the ad, she says she lost her last job because the family she worked for had another baby, so the mom became a stay-at-home mom and didn’t need her anymore). I thought, Great! I can communicate well with this one. When she called back, I could barely understand her. Her accent was thick, grammar was off, and I instantly knew she didn’t write the ad. Likely her husband did. She got some preliminary information about hours needed, baby’s age, time frame I’d need her in, and then asked if she could call me back this evening at 6:30p as she was going with her husband to Los Angeles right now. She said she’s interested, but didn’t disclose how much she was asking to be paid, my question to her. I guess she’s going to discuss this with her husband. I’m thinking I’m going back to the drawing board again. Maybe pay another $100 to rejoin the website.

The fertility doctor we’d worked with had his staff call me when Allie was a couple of months old to check on me, and to ask us to bring her over so he could meet her. Today at lunch was the meeting we’d arranged. Having received the blow from Nanny Susanne this morning, I could use some getting-out anyway. Mr. W had agreed to come out during lunchtime and meet us at the clinic. After I told him about Susanne, he took the rest of the afternoon off to stay with us. What a great guy I have.

Allie was smiling at everyone like she knew them, as if she in spirit form had been there and remembers them. “This is where you started,” Mr. W told Allie.

Dr. R was all smiles when he saw her. “She’s beautiful!” He asked how I’m doing, and I told him about my postpartum depression. He said not to worry, it’ll start to fix itself once my hormones regulate as the baby starts to breastfeed less. He assumed we’re all exhausted from being up every few hours and that contributes, too. I told him Allie typically sleeps through the night. He asked if I’m pumping, and I told him she typically goes to bed around 7:30p and wakes around 7a, and I get up around 5a to pump because I’m so uncomfortable. He said because I’m getting 8-10 hours of no milk expression overnight, that my body would recover its hormones faster, and expects I’d feel better within a matter of weeks instead of months. Reading my mind, he added this doesn’t “dry up” my milk supply; that doesn’t happen until I stop feeding her breastmilk. “But sleeping through the night helps you feel a lot better, right?” I told him about how Dodo was diagnosed with Stage 2 kidney disease and has been yowling every few hours through the night (yeah, he started doing the overnight thing again; less loudly, but every 2-3 hours. I received his meds a couple of days ago and have administered them twice a day since).
Dr. R said in passing that we still have 3 more embryos for future beautiful children.
Mr. W said we were also here to discuss that, and to stop storage for them. Dr. R said we don’t have to decide that now, that can come way later. Mr. W said we already know we’re done having kids, and I made a crack that he’s taking advantage of my postpartum depression state. Mr. W laughed, put his arm around me, and said yeah, he wants me to sign the papers to let them go before I change my mind. Dr. R laughed and suggested we wait awhile.

When he realized we were serious, however, he invited us into his office to talk in private. He suggested that most people wait until the baby is about a year old, when we know his/her personality better, and the groggy period of new parent-dom has passed to decide whether we want more kids. When we release the embryos, we can decide whether to have the clinic dispose of them, or we can donate the embryos to medical studies, or we can donate them to a couple for implantation. I said we always agreed that we would only have one, and Mr. W added that he’s too old to consider more kids. I asked about the ethics of donating the embryos, how they go to the recipients, etc. He explained that the clinic is not in the business of giving out embryos; in fact, if someone calls and asks if they have embryos for implant, the answer is no. However, on occasion, there is the couple who has multiple failed IVF attempts with the clinic, have run thru the gamut of options, and are now sitting before him thinking they could never have children. He would know this couple pretty well by then, and would know if they could care for a baby. And then he could tell them that there is another option they have never discussed. The clinic makes no money off the donation; they charge the same for implanting my own embryos as they would implanting the embryo into anyone else. A couple he’d recently done this for went through SIX failed IVF cycles, failed donor sperm inseminations, and were out of money and crestfallen. He finally offered a precious embryo donated by another past patient and they finally had their baby.

I wanted to do this, but I wanted a little more reassurance. I said, “A mixed-race embryo would be hard to find for a mixed-race couple, right?” He said he would LOVE to have my embryos, altho he thinks this shouldn’t be a decision to be made on a whim on our parts. But yes, the embryos would be better than gold; they would be the best gift imaginable for the recipient couple. However, he told me to consider that I may wonder with every kid I see who looks kind of like Allie. He has a pair of patients whose IVF kids are in college, and they’re still paying for embryo storage instead of donating as they’re on the fence. The father said he just knows that he’d be at the airport and see a curly-haired kid and wonder, “Is that my son? Is that my daughter?” and that it would drive him insane.
I can totally see that, and it would probably make me always wonder, too… but the thought of how MUCH a couple would want the kid, how precious a gift that would be, and especially for an infertile mixed-race couple to have an opportunity to birth and parent a baby who’s mixed just like they are…that far outweighs my curiosities and discomforts, right? That couple would love our little girl or boy so incredibly much, and they would be so ready for parenthood; much more ready than someone who got drunk at a party and met someone else who looked hot through beer goggles.
Mr. W reminded me of my beliefs that the soul which comes through is meant to be with the parents that raise him/her, regardless of the body or vehicle that the soul uses to come through. I’m only providing a means, not a soul.

We spent longer than we’d expected at the clinic, filling out background questionnaires and family histories, signing over the embryos and relinquishing our rights to the children they may grow into. We each gave 8 large vials of blood for them to run tests. When the test results come back, if everything is clear, the doctor will sign off on the forms and the future of these embryos will be in his hands.

All the embryo-related transfers and implantations will be anonymous. We know it’s likely to be a local couple, since the recipients will be patients of the doctor first. So what Dr. R does, if we want, is provide a date of birth for us. That confused me. We won’t even know a gender, what’s the DOB for? “Let’s say she comes home one day with a new boyfriend a few years younger, and you think, ‘Hmm, he looks familiar.’ You can then ask, ‘Hey, when’s your birthday?’ If it’s a match, then you call his mom and say, ‘Uh, have you had prior associations with [fertility clinic name]?’ She’ll likely freak out, but then you’ll know.” Ah.

So today, I’ve done things I never would’ve expected to a few years ago. I cried because the perfect nanny that felt like my one light at the end of the tunnel disappeared on me. I medicated my cat for high blood pressure caused by terminal kidney disease. And we visited the doctor that made it all possible, where Allie as a concept started, and I took a deep breath & signed over my 3 remaining embryos to them so that if a hopeful-eyed mixed couple finds themselves out of IVF options after many failed attempts, my doctor can offer them the best gift I am able to give total strangers.

I need a good cry later.

It’s been a rough day. I’ll start chronologically, as the second part I think deserves its own post.

This morning, when Allie was napping, I opened my emails as usual, and what I read there put me in a total state of shock. I was stunned and a half-eaten apple stayed on the computer table for half a day as a bookmark in time to show when everything froze for me.

Nanny Susanne and I had been corresponding via email and sometimes via text through the month as she was working for the other family on a temporary, “emergency” basis. We made plans. I wrote her to tell her about Allie’s first tooth. She wrote back tips and encouragement, gave a lot of comfort. I said I can’t wait for her to come onboard in April. She said she’s excited to work for us and will be here every day from April on, smiley-face. We agreed for her to come over on Sunday, to hang out, get to know our house and the environment, we were taking her to lunch and to the lake. We were going to go shopping with Allie to a nearby mall she’d never been to (she loves shopping). And then:

Hi Cindy,
I hope everything is going well and you guys are good. Well over here everything is going well too. Remember I told you that I was working this month for someone else, it appeared that they also would like me to stay on a long term basis. I gave it some consideration and measured the two options that I have and I would really like to stay with the ones I am working for right now. This was not an easy choice but after weighting both sides I really prefer it that way. I hope you still have the chance to find someone else… I know you interviewed others too, maybe one of them could take my place… Sorry for the inconvenience.

Hope everything will work out

Are you KIDDING me? Despite being stunned, I wrote back:

Hi Susanne,

Wow. Okay. I interviewed one other person but like I told you, we preferred you over her by quite a margin. Since I thought we had an agreement, I stopped interviewing and have trusted that everything will be okay because we trusted you and thought you would be the perfect fit for us. I have been very at peace ever since you told me you agree to be Allie’s nanny. I’ve even extended my maternity leave so that I can accommodate the other family you are with, because that was how much I wanted you to work out with us. I am no longer a member of that website, because I didn’t think I’d need it anymore. Right now, with only a couple of weeks between now and the time I have to return to work, I’m left with very rushed and few options.

Thank you for your help over email the past few weeks, I’ve appreciated your feedback. If anything changes with that family, please let me know ASAP. We would still love to have the original arrangement in place. I really, really wish it could’ve worked out.

She’s been online since then, as I’ve seen her “active” on chat, but she didn’t write back. I don’t know what she could say. She KNOWS she’s screwing us because she knows I have 2 weeks until I have to return to work; and she’d called to tell me she was taking our offer, and yet emails to tell me she was backing out. She didn’t want to face me. I never saw this coming; she was beyond ethical, or so I thought. I don’t know how she could in good conscience accept another job when she has already committed to us. She wasn’t available to take that other job. I was being nice in saying it was okay for her to help this family out, even tho she was supposed to be with us part-time this month already. I was being nice to extend my maternity leave a week so that she could stay on the full month with them and then have a week to acclimate to us. And what the other family ended up doing with my being accommodating was steal our nanny. I get the sense, and Rebecca said the same thing, that they offered her more money. Mr. W considers this a “career choice” of hers; stay with someone familiar and get possibly more money, or do something new with strangers. He obviously doesn’t take it personally. But I am so stunned, and hurt, and bewildered. I feel betrayed. She and I had a friendship beginning, I thought. I could not imagine doing this to someone, and I would feel good about myself at turning down something that seems tempting, to maintain my own integrity. When I say I will do something for someone, I take my own word very seriously, often more seriously than the person I’d made the promise to.

The nanny search has to begin again. I’d let my membership on the nanny site expire, thinking we had someone, and it’ll be another $100 to sign up again. I called Nanny Fernanda, the other girl we’d interviewed, just to see if she’s available. It went to voice mail and I didn’t leave a message. She had disappeared from the nanny site shortly after I’d told her we were going with someone else, so she may have picked up a nanny job and is working. I also called a local-ish older woman we had planned to interview, but canceled the interview after Susanne agreed to be our nanny. The line was always busy. So it seems those avenues are deliberately closed to me. I’m so burnt-out. Ironically, that was something I’d written to Susanne a week ago and she’d responded for me not to stress because Allie will pick up on it, and that she will be here to help me soon, in April, and every day after that, smiley-face.

I know everything happens for a reason. I have faith that the “right” nanny we’re “supposed to” have is out there somewhere, her situation arranging itself so that she could be available to us soon. Rebecca said that the same source of abundance from God that provides us with what we need still continues to provide for us, through different avenues, so if Susanne is no longer a viable avenue, another one will come. Susanne may have exercised free will to back out, but God won’t let something go away on us without providing us another way, she says. All my friends say it’s a good thing this happened now, as I have 2 weeks to find someone else; it would be more disastrous if Susanne took another job for more money or other reasons a few weeks into working with us, and Allie’s now attached to her, and I’m back at work.

That’s what my head agrees with. Emotionally, I’m messed up. When I went to get Allie after her morning nap, I took one look at her beautiful trusting little face, and thought, “How could anyone not want to be here with you?” and started crying. I KNOW it’s not about HER, of all things. But I feel like SHE was abandoned, too. Mr. W took the afternoon off and met us at the fertility doctor’s office at lunchtime, then we went to True Food Kitchen for a late lunch. I’m glad I have such a present husband.

I feel very pensive right now. Flip Flop Girl asked me on the phone before what it was exactly that I’m scared about when I feel like this. I couldn’t really come up with anything, because logic tells me that Allie is fine. But I’m terrified again! Is it because I’m feeling lost in unfamiliar territory again? I just get comfortable thinking I’ve “learned” her, and she flips the game. In fact, parents of young kids tell me that IS the game; I’m perpetually playing catch-up cuz they change so fast. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. But I’m not. I’m VERY uncomfortable with the lost feeling. I hate it. And Allie seems ahead of her time in growth and development, flying thru changes at light speed. I don’t know anyone else’s baby that started teething before 4 months. Whilst wearing 6-month clothes.

A huge thing on the horizon also worrying me is that hubby wants to take a vacation in early May. I have the same week off. He wants to roadtrip either to NorCal to see my friends and their new babies or maybe to Vegas so Allie can see his family. Allie has been doing better in carseats, not fussing automatically upon seating like she used to, but she still wants to get out after awhile, and unlike other babies I’d heard about, doesn’t automatically fall sleep once the car moves. I worry about her ability to sleep and nap when we’re away from home in a strange environment. I worry about her crying bothering hotel patrons if she can’t sleep through the strangeness. I worry about her missing naps like crazy, crashing, being very cranky from overtiredness and overstimulation. I worry about being unable to reacclimate her to her routine once we return home so that she continues being an overtired baby, and now one who is unable to sleep in her own room anymore, either. My cousin Jennifer recommended that I start “training” her to be able to sleep in different areas of our house. I’ve tried soothing her elsewhere, but she doesn’t go down. She used to be able to sleep in the playard and on the couch in the living room (supervised), but that went out the window after she got sick and I napped her exclusively in her crib for the elevated mattress and humidifer, and I haven’t been able to sleep her elsewhere since.

People tell me I’m not gonna mess my baby up by taking her on vacation or having her off-routine once in awhile. Logically, I believe them, but emotionally, I don’t. The only source of comfort is that the sleep book says if the baby is getting sufficient rest 90%+ of the time, and I’m respecting her drowsy cues and her need to sleep as much as I can, she will recover quickly from an occasional exception. It’s the babies who aren’t allowed to rest habitually, are always taken out and have very irregular lifestyles, are chronically overtired — it’s those babies who recover much slower after a disruption like a vacation.

Maybe it’s time to check with Rebecca for reassurance.

Allie slept clear through the night, and Dodo was pretty great, too. He yowled for the first time in days when Allie was doing her 22 minutes of screaming. Poor guy; I think she gave him a bigger headache than he already has. So since the stepdaughter is on a 2-week trip with her college’s performing choir, and Dodo was good, and Allie was good, oh no, whatever will keep Cindy up? The answer was unexpected: the smoke detector alarm in our bedroom started a caustic loud chirp every 2 minutes at 5:30am. It must be low on battery. I feared it would chirp every 2 minutes until we replaced the battery, keeping me from sleeping and keeping the baby from sleeping. Mr. W had to get up, go to the garage, get a giant ladder, and remove the unit from our high bedroom ceiling.

I pumped while he got ready and ate breakfast downstairs. When I went down to store the milk, I wanted to make sure we were okay, as he was irritated at me about my wanting him to do something immediately about the chirping. He thinks I have too much control but am not realizing it. I feel I don’t have enough control because the baby still isn’t napping to her little heart’s content without being woken up by external noise. I’m hoping the noise sensitivity is just a phase so that I can stop going crazy when the neighbors and their kids are yelling and banging stuff outside. I’m not trying to control things cuz I’m on a power trip; I truly want what’s best for my baby, and I see her when she’s woken up prematurely from a nap. She’s tired, cranky, rubbing her eyes, yawning. Plus, I don’t get much of a break if she only sleeps half an hour every 3 hours. How would I eat/wash pump parts/do chores/pay bills/relax? Mr. W says that she’s getting more than sufficient sleep; she wouldn’t be all smiley when we’re out, charming strangers left and right, if she were sleep-deprived. She’d be wailing 5 hours like she did the first couple of months before I figured out that I ought to nap her regularly. That was a new thought to me. I’d read that a baby Allie’s age needs 15 hours of sleep a day; 10-11 overnight, 5-6 in the day divided into 3 naps. She gets close to 11 hours overnight (waking for brief feedings and going back to sleep doesn’t count against these 10-11 hrs), but her naps are nowhere near 5-6 hours. She’s lucky if she gets over an hour in more than 1 nap a day. I’m ecstatic when she hits 1.5 hours twice in her 3 naps, altho occasionally she’d get 2, 2.5 hours in a nap, too. What she has more of are 45-minute naps, and I am seriously bummed if she has a 30-minute one, which isn’t that uncommon, either. She’s still yawning after those. Multiple references on sleep have said that at this age, under an hour doesn’t count because it’s not restorative. Depending on the kid, 45 minutes is a “maybe.” That’s why my anxieties run crazy high before she’s reached and crossed the 30-minute vulnerable-to-waking point.

Now that it’s spring weather, 6-7 screaming elementary school-age children have decided to hang out together in our cul de sac, gathering at 3pm or so. If I can get 2 good naps in by then, I’m less anxious. But it’s a loooong stretch from then until her bedtime if she doesn’t get the afternoon nap, and being wired from being up too long is NOT good for bedtime.

I still feel desperately, desperately in need of a break. The baby needs a pause button. And a sleep button. Mr. W told me to schedule a massage and/or a pedicure for myself over the weekend and he’ll just bottlefeed the baby, but I have a problem leaving her that long because I’m afraid she wouldn’t nap for him, would get fussy, and irritate him. He said he had both his kids from when they were very very young for entire weekends completely on his own and they survived. I had thought she couldn’t get used to him and would need me to nap her, because he’d said before that I had her in a specific falling asleep method that he couldn’t replicate so that she wouldn’t go to sleep on him. This morning he said babies can get used to different people and different methods if we expose her to these differences. Oh. I hope he’s right.

She woke up earlier than usual at 7:15a this morning, but didn’t cry or call, as usual. I heard her talking to herself. I went in and she acted like she was still happy to see me. I hope I don’t have to repeat the crying out again tonight, but last night probably wasn’t the last time we’d be doing it. Since she got up early, which I encouraged to get her on daylight savings time, she is taking her first nap early. It’s been 31 minutes so far. *crossing fingers*