cindy's world

To end a sort of a crappy weekend, I had a crappy night’s sleep last night. I hadn’t been sleeping well, so I’d resort to vegging in front of the TV until it lulled me into sleep by controlling my thought patterns (or turning it off). Last nite, I laid there for awhile, uncomfortable, unable to sleep, thoughts reeling. I think I thought that I thought myself out of a knot, so feeling better (or so I thought), I got out of bed to watch some late-nite sit-coms. It did put me into a pretty comfortable sleep. Waking up around 3:30a.m., I teetered back into the bedroom to continue sleeping. That did not happen. I laid there, physically and mentally uncomfortable. Every time I would start to drift into unconsciousness, the pit of my stomach would lurch into what felt like the beginning of an anxiety attack. There was something in my mind that was scared to let me go to sleep, I was afraid of losing something. I thought of my cool sateen sheets in my bed at home, my cat sleeping on the floor next to my bed. Wishing I could beam myself there, I contemplated the etiquette of getting up in the wee hours of the morning to go home. This went on until 5a.m., when I burst out of bed, collected my crap, and walked out the door. Then thinking about Mr. W awakening to find that I’d disappeared, I went back into bedroom to tell him goodbye. He was still sleeping soundly. 3 grown people could’ve fit in between me and him on the bed all night, so he was oblivious to what I had gone and was going through. I kissed him on the cheek and said I was going home, and he sat up abruptly, looking really perturbed. I tried to get him to go back to sleep, saying it was early, the pillow is “that” (point) way, do I need to tuck him in? Finally, in a very cranky manner, he said, “Fine. Whatever. Goodbye,” and plopped back down. I drove home in the early morning darkness, trying to push away the sinking feeling in my chest and lower stomach cramps so painful I was afraid all the paramedics would find in my car would be blood and guts as my body turned itself inside-out.

I’m still glummy today cuz yesterday had so many piss-off elements in it. Mr. W, his daughter and I went to Downtown Disney to catch a movie, which wasn’t even that good. Anyway, when the daughter was in a crowd watching a flamenco dancer, Mr. W and I were at the movie ticket counter. He walked toward a movie ticket line, this one chick started walking up and cut me off and separated me and Mr. W. Mr. W stood in line and she stood next to him. Not in front of him with her group of friends, but right next to him, so that I couldn’t get over to him. I looked at her a second and saw that she stubbornly refused to move to let me through. So I walked in front of her to get to her other side. She deliberately stiffened up and stuck her elbow out so that we’d make contact. I didn’t say anything to her, just walked by and didn’t acknowledge her instigation, but then she said, “Excuse you!” I turned and looked icily at her. “Excuse you, for being in my way,” I retorted. She probably didn’t expect me to meet her square in the eyes, because she smiled a little bit but scoffed and said, “You didn’t even say ‘excuse me.'” Wait. You plant yourself in my way, separating me and my boyfriend, deliberately initiate physical contact, and I’m supposed to bend over to you? What do you want me to do , give you toll?! I said, “I didn’t think you’d just stop right there.” With the same weird little smile on her face, she shook her head and said, “Oh, don’t even play that. Don’t even play that.” I forgot what I returned with but Mr. W turned and put his arm protectively around me and pulled me against him. And then he “shhh”ed me! WTF!!! I was not in a mood to be playing with some stupid little girl who wanted to pick a fight, not that she was making any physical sign that she was going to throw the first punch or anything, but if she knew how to read people’s faces and body language, she did smart by not raising a hand. I would’ve made her very unpretty.

Argh! AAAAArgh! So apparently the State of California Department of Motor Vehicles is just handing driver’s licenses away to anyone now?! I almost got into 3 accidents today driving over to Mr. W’s that were not my fault! What happened to LOOKING before making a left turn? What happened to driving less than 50 mph in a residential area, and braking before turns? What happened to yielding? What happened to hitting your horn and having it actually respond with an audible noise?! That’s right. The insult to injury is trying to lay on my horn and the only sound created is the slapping of the heel of my hand on the steering wheel. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

Every time I turn on my radio to play an SWV CD, something would happen. And I’d turn it off to call someone and bitch (on voice mail, cuz they’re not picking up). And then I’d turn the CD back on. Within minutes, something would happen again! Finally I popped out the SWV CD and put in Wham!’s “Make it Big,” and it took THREE songs to calm me down. Three! Three WHAM! songs! How pissed was I!!

I originally had this week off for vacation, but since I had no vacation plans and I’m hoping to save up enough days for a long trip to China next year, I gave the days back except for today (since my judge isn’t here today, either) and Friday, so I could get a jump start on the weekend trip to Hearst Castle with Mr. W.

Original plan for the day: have breakfast, shower and start laundry, get an oil change, attend a goodbye luncheon at the courthouse for the presiding judge who is transferring downtown, go home and finish laundry, drive out to Vanessa’s house to meet her kitties, the two of us would carpool down to bellydancing back at my neck of the woods, then carpool back to her neck of the woods (same city as Mr. W’s house), and I’d drive to Mr. W’s and spend the night over there.

What actually happened: This morning, I tidied up around the house, vacuumed, and started laundry. Then I drove off toward work , but I quickly changed my mind, turned the car around, and went to get an oil change instead. I thought I’d have time to do both, and thus almost regrettably drove to my cousin’s car shop in Diamond Bar.

It was a good thing I did that — I needed not just an oil change, but my scheduled maintenance. His shop was also so busy that he turned away 4-5 cars before I got there, but he managed to squeeze me in. Family connections are great. My cousin took almost 3 hours to do the job, during which time I walked down to a nearby sandwich shop and had a delicious lunch of a chicken sandwich on sourdough, a fruit bowl, and a smoothie. Perfect lunch for a hot humid day. (The high was supposed to have been 87 degrees Fahrenheit, 20 degrees cooler than what it had been the past few weeks.) I also chatted on the phone with Jordan for most of that time. When my cousin drove my car out, he told me the rear brakes were almost completely worn, so he’d replaced them, but the kicker was that my alignment was so far off on the front tires that the inside of my front left tire was worn down to the threading. He turned the wheel to the extreme right and pointed out the baldness of the inside half of the tire. “You’re about to pop that tire at any time. This is considered an emergency, get a new tire and get your alignment fixed TODAY.” I paid my cousin the $200 for his work (he charges me almost nothing for labor and wholesale for parts, so I’m sure this is already a deal), then drove down to Brea looking for the place I got my Yokohama tires a couple of years ago.

But because I can’t remember the name of the place nor the exact location, I pulled into the first reliable looking tire place that seemed to do alignment on Brea Blvd.. It was 3pm at that time, good thing I skipped that luncheon. The guy who helped me out was sooo nice. I hoped I wouldn’t be too ripped off, but I figured about $100 a tire, and if they don’t carry high-performance Yokohama tires in stock, I’d have to buy 2 tires so that my front tires match. Turned out, he looked at my tires, marveled at the severity of the damage on my front left tire, explained to me what he would do, educated me a bit on tire maintenance, then gave me a price estimate. He said he didn’t have Yokohamas on hand, but had this other brand that in his opinion is almost as good as Yokohamas, I would indeed have to get 2, so with the tires, alignment adjustment, mounting and balancing and all that jazz, it’s just over $200, is that okay? Wow, I was totally prepared to fork over something closer to $300. I happily gave him the job and he immediately had a young apprentice looking kid take off my tires. The kid was trying to roll my bad tire to the side of the large shop, and the thing was so lopsided (it looked like a trapezoid from the side) it wouldn’t roll right. “Wow,” he said. “I know, I know, I’ve been hearing that all day,” I said. The guy helping me out said it’d be about an hour and a half and he’d call my cell when they’re done.

Since I was mere blocks from Birch Street Promenade, I walked out and went shopping, after first having a nice long phone chat with college roommie Diana. I wandered around the shops on Birch Street, noticed they now have a Lucy women’s athletic store (I LOVE that store, but only know of the locations in Northern Cal), and went in. They’re the only store I know of to carry women’s athletic wear in petite sizes, and they have GREAT sports bras, supportive, comfortable AND slightly padded. I could never find that combination anywhere else. Turns out I wear Lucy pants in petite small, so I was happy about that. I also bought 2 other pairs without trying them on. At the register, I suddenly remembered that while I was in San Jose for my bday last month, I had also had the great timing to have gone thru a Lucy’s on Santana Row right after meeting up with Mike and Christi, but I didn’t have time to buy anything since Diana and I had to rush off to her gym to get ready for that night’s comedy event, but that at the gym I’d picked up a Lucy’s coupon. I happened to have that in my purse! I pulled it out, the girls at the register, who were also soooo nice, looked at it and realized it’d expired. They told me that’s okay, they’ll still honor it, and they re-rang my purchase with the 25% off. I was so happy.

While I was in the dressing room, the car guy called and said my car’s ready, and as I was at the register at Lucy, Mr. W called and said he was in the area having gotten off work, so I walked out, jumped in his truck, and he drove me to pick up my car. The guy at the tire place explained some tire stuff to me, and then said that he didn’t realize my Yokos were directional tires so he put in more labor to turn them around, but that he didn’t charge me for that labor.

Mr. W and I parked at the far end of that lot and walked over to a nearby Italian restaurant, Pane e Vino, had a nice tasty dinner, and he went home and I went off to bellydancing. During our dinner conversation, I remarked on how lucky the day had been. If I hadn’t skipped the luncheon, I would’ve been unable to fit in all the car stuff I had to do. If I hadn’t decided to get that oil change and maintenance, I would’ve never known about that bad tire and it would’ve blown on me and Mr. W when we drive it this weekend up to San Simeon for Hearst Castle (a 5-hr drive). I don’t have AAA, so the tow would’ve cost an arm and a leg, and depending where on the freeway we were when the tire popped, we may not even have been able to get a tow truck out there to tow us. That surely would’ve ruined our weekend. And it was great I happened to find the Lucy store and that I remembered I had a (expired) coupon, and the people were so nice to honor it anyway. Everything worked out perfectly. And I still made it to bellydancing on time and got to hang out with Mr. W. And then it hit me that a lot of people may have seen this day completely differently, i.e. “I had to spend $200 big bucks on the freakin’ maintenance, AND now I find out I have to blow another $200+ on freakin’ tires, because this retarded tire place doesn’t carry Yokohamas so I have to buy TWO damn tires?! CRAP! And I have to waste an entire freaking day waiting around for my car to get done at 2 places?!” That makes me wonder… is the glass half-full vs. half-empty thing an all-applicable thing? Maybe people who seem to have bad luck don’t have bad luck as much as a bad perspective. I know some people who turn everything around into “Boo hoo, poor me, why me?” instead of counting their blessings. I’m not saying everything can be seen in a positive light, but maybe a lot of things can, and maybe sometimes people have to work to feel sorry for themselves.

I think my day went perfectly, much better than I could’ve planned for myself.

This morning in a dream, I gave really good life perspective advice to Paris Hilton. It was a strangely detailed dream, and to my surprise, I liked Paris when I was hanging out with her.

While thinking about that dream in the shower later, I thought of how my blog entries have been shallow and frivolous for awhile now, and if a new reader comes in, he/she would think I just goof off and document what I do on my free time. The early posts had more gravity and involved deeper thinking and evaluation of self and of human nature. But that’s because I was coming out of depression.

So then I wondered whether ignorance truly is bliss. Am I some sort of yippy skippy ditz now and that’s why I’m happy? Or is the happiness what brings me out of overthinking so that I’m content with just the most surface of things?

Mr. W says the best artists are depressed and troubled. I told him if that’s true, then he’s stifling my creativity. He said he doesn’t think he’s the source of my happiness. I laughed and said that’s true, he can’t possibly be.

I took a “What Kind of Soul Are You?” quiz. I think it’s strangely accurate, down to the yellow rose. Here’s what it says about me:

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

My horoscope today says:
As the Moon leaves Scorpio this morning your optimism returns, helping you to overcome your serious emotions. Normally you might choose to keep your feelings to yourself as you process them, but now it is imperative for you to share your experiences with those close to you. If you can let others know what you need, you may be pleasantly surprised with the response.

Hmm. Lemme see…what do I need, what do I neeeeeed? I need some love, I think. Those of you whom I’ll see on Saturday, be prepared to spread the love! Unless I’m in an antisocial mood by then. In that case, just say hey and give me my space.

Actually, I do physically feel better. I was having problems for weeks that peaked last nite and I decided to do a meditation that’s always worked in the past for repairing my bodily blues. Wouldn’t ya know it, it worked.

We’re going to work half an hour into lunch today, but with that sacrifice, we’re going to have the afternoon free. My judge has a funeral to attend in the afternoon. I’ll probably use the time to catch an early movie after work, i.e. Pirates of the Caribbean II: Dead Man’s Chest, before going on the revamped ride tomorrow at Disneyland so I could understand the changes.

Ya know, when it rains, it pours. When work goes crazy, this would be the day that random stuff gets assigned to me to overlap the existing stuff, and the jury hangs but then changes its mind and decides it has a verdict at 4pm so that we’re totally running late (court normally recesses at 4p so we have an hour to get our stuff done), and this would also be the day I’m trying to juggle 2 jury trials. And to really put a nice spike into the shoe that’s kicking me already, this is also the day I get my feelings hurt by someone who could’ve made my day had things been done differently. Instead, I’m kicked and then left alone to bleed.

Hmm. Why does this sound familiar? Men are so oblivious to how far a little comfort and commiseration could go in their favor. Aren’t we entitled to getting upset over something small when we’re having bad days already? Can’t men just give us a hug and stroke our hair and tell us it’s going to be better soon, instead of getting all touchy and adding to the stress?

At least I got a 3.25 mile run in during lunch, despite the fact that court ran late into lunch, too.

Happiness is…

* great lunch at a favorite Japanese curry restaurant
* dessert at Golden Spoon: peanut butter and Heath chocolate frozen yogurt
* feeding brine shrimp to fishies
* a 4-mile walk through parks, a beautiful neighborhood and a gorgeous fountainesque golf course
* all-natural homemade smoothie and popcorn for dinner
* dinner while watching “Friends” on DVD
* all of the above while laughing with your boyfriend, who put up a photo collage of you in a frame and hung it in the hall this afternoon

Yesterday after work, I went to meet up with a couple of my coworkers who regularly have an Outback Steakhouse happy hour on Fridays. It turns out that they actually invited the courthouse to a surprise birthday party for me on the outdoor patio deck. There was a huge cake, flowers, those blower noisemaker things (except they didn’t make noise), presents. Bailiffs, reporters, courtroom clerks, clerks’ office clerks, law clerks, family members of people were in attendance. I felt special. Except for the fact that Mr. W refused to attend because he wanted to sit around the house all day and night, even tho he was off from work the whole week. Aside from that breaking my heart, I felt truly special. It has really been a great 29th year for me. My life had taken a 180-degree turn for the better, and I am so grateful for the people around me. The old friends who continue their support and whom I’ve gotten closer to, the new friends I’d made in the last year who’ve become my close friends today. It’s enough to make me shed a tear, man. *sniff* Thanks for putting that together for me, coworker Sandy!

Tonight: birthday dinner with my parents at Chomp sushi.