cindy's world

At Jade’s request, the “before” gray eyes look.

Also a day in which I slept very little. Up at 4am, then a very full day playing bridesmaid at Vicky’s wedding; this shot was taken at like 2am later that evening.

These are my “mysterious,” “cat-like,” “beautiful,” “trippy,” “vampire,” “natural-looking,” “don’t-you-have-shit-brown-eyes-like-me?” gray eyes. (Yes, all adjectives actually used by people regarding my eyes.) Taken today, after 3 days of very minimal sleep.

I’m watching you.

So I’m sitting at work going thru the 3rd full day of jury selection on this case, which is unusual enough in itself to distract me from the fact that I have not received ANY emails today, when normally my inbox is rampant with activity. I wrote myself an email from an outside source just to test. No receipt. The server’s down again. I feel so alone…

It’s been a very up-and-down day today. I was high as a kite, and then was stupid enough to open an email from someone chewing me out and I crashed again. Then a few more emails from people who actually have positive things to say instead of insults to me, and I’m high again. And after some silence, I’m down. Then I get a phone call from a guy trying to guilt-trip me. Then I got a polite rejection, and I’m not sure where that puts me. I think I’m generally a bit low. And yes, there are hormones contributing to this roller coaster. That and the fact that I didn’t get to bed until 4:30a.

I just retrieved my horoscope for the day, which I wish I’d seen before the day started. Anyway…Jade, this one’s for you, cuz this horoscope apparently just reiterates what you’d already told me earlier:

Today’s Forecast
Sometimes when your own motives are in doubt, it’s best to look the other way instead of rushing head on into a situation. Don’t ignore it, exactly — just put it on the back burner until you’re more sure of yourself.

The Bottom Line
Your memory is a steel trap. What you need to recall will be at your fingertips.

In Detail
An automatic response may be exactly the wrong move to make today, so make sure you think before you do just about anything. A few hot potatoes may get tossed your way, but you can still take a moment or two to consider the best course of action before committing to one way or the other. In fact, just taking those split seconds to get a grip on the situation could make all the difference in the world.

Oops. I’d already done a few things rashly and had, well, unkind results. Oh well. 5 o’clock whistle blew, and I’m blowin’ this joint.

Boys are funny. They play these games. They want to pursue you, and the moment you decide, “Okay fine, let’s give this a try,” and you reciprocate their interest, they totally turn on you. They don’t return your calls, they’re too busy for you, they’re aloof. So then you say, “All right then, if you’re that hard to get, then you’re just not gonna get gotten,” and you lose interest and do your own thing, and suddenly they want to know what you’re doing, who you’re doing, whether you want to go out, and they call you all the time.

Where’re all the men at?

Sometimes it’s just fun to look unusually hot for work for no reason at all. We are currently trying a pain-in-the-arse Civil trial on 2 cases simultaneously because consolidation was not successful. All the arbitrarily introduced exhibits are creating a paper nightmare. The judge is very cranky with the hurky-jerky progression of the trial. So today turned out to be a good day to look pretty.

Sleek black boots; short A-line red, black and white skirt; thin red (and very fitted) 3/4 length sleeve sweater; all my regular makeup plus blush and lipstick. I rubbed Victoria’s Secret “Love Spell” body cream on, and layered it with a fine dusting of VS’s body shimmer in the same scent, just to highlight my collarbones.

It’s a funny thing about lipstick. It was the first makeup item my mom ever let me wear, and she bought me my first lipstick when I was in 6th grade. It was my one staple for years. And then I started having boyfriends and the lip color waned to tinted lip gloss to nothing. One of my girls (I can’t remember who, but I remember the conversation) said a couple of weeks ago, “You can start wearing lipstick again!” The thought hit me for the first time and I said, “Oh! You’re right! I CAN!” Lipstick makes such a difference on a woman’s face, especially if she has pretty lips. It just makes her look alive.

Jimmy asked me tonite, “What do you think are the keys to being a good couple?”
I thought a bit and responded, “I think keys are similar ethics, mutual respect, mutual dedication to address and resolve arising problems, integrity.”

It’s one of those things I don’t really think about until I’m challenged to analyze my perspective. These days I don’t think much about relationships at all in relation to myself. It makes me feel tired, and if I’m forced to delve deeper into a topic about my relationships or thoughts thereon, I become agitated and angry as I touch old wounds. But now that I have created a list, I thought I’d document it to compare it to a list I may have in the future.

Another list w/my current state of mind: No-Exception Dealbreakers
1.) cigarette smoking
2.) substance abuse (including excessive alcohol)
3.) compulsive lying
4.) cheating
5.) frequent/regular contact with exes
6.) someone who never wants to get married
7.) someone who never wants kids
8.) someone who currently has kids
9.) no integrity
10.) moral turpitude issues

USPS Label/Receipt Number: 0304 1560 0005 4094 0535
Detailed Results:
Delivered, August 03, 2005, 6:40 am, PITTSBURGH, PA 15250
Acceptance, August 01, 2005, 1:04 pm, NORWALK, CA 90650

YAY! I hope to see my passport soon.

Horoscope:
In chess, all the other players on the board are nearly defenseless once the queen is in play. You and your friend have a similarly powerful and deadly weapon in your arsenal that can neutralize this potentially tricky situation once and for all, especially if you act in concert. The trick is to deploy it carefully and selectively. So what is it exactly? Hint: It’s smaller and a lot subtler than you think. Oh, all right — here’s another hint: ‘Kill ’em with kindness.’

Aside from the silver Dove wrapper from last Thursday still staring at me from my desk, telling me “Hey, why not?”, I now get this from the universe:

Today’s Forecast
Why return to junior high and spend endless hours puzzling over what someone really meant when you can do the grown-up thing and flat-out ask them what’s going on? It’ll be so much quicker that way.
The Bottom Line
Feeling like a martini — shaken or stirred? Don’t worry. This, too, shall pass.
In Detail
It’s a fine time to voice your real needs, because they’ll be met in one way or another. The universe is quick to respond when you identify your genuine desires, so make sure you have a clear idea about what it is you need. Then go ahead and speak up to all and sundry — after all, you never know who might be the supplier for your particular list, and it wouldn’t do to have them heard by the wrong person (or not at all).

My money, love and attitude meters are also 5 for 5 on all of them. So is today supposed to be a good, hedonistic day?