cindy's world

I *just* realized Allie’s 3 months old today!

*Now she wakes up pretty regularly on her own between 6:45a-7a, and just lays there looking around and kicking, smiling, until I go get her. She greets me with a big smile and sometimes a laugh.
*Dr. Weissbluth’s sleep book says around 12-16 weeks, the “morning nap” is developing (due to brain maturity), and we should see this happen at between 9a and 10a. I would put Allie down for her morning nap when she starts showing drowsy signs of rubbing her eyes and yawning, but after about 10 mins of serious soothing (which she fights now cuz she wants to play) and she konks out, she’d been only staying down for half an hour or so. Her long naps had been the later morning one, around 11:30a, when she’d be out for almost 2 hours or more. However, yesterday and today, after she fought the morning nap a little, it’s gotten long. Yesterday’s morning nap started at 8:30a and went till 10:30a. Today, she got up a bit later (7:30a) for having gone 11.5 hours overnight without waking for a feeding (whoa! …and, ouch for my boobs! I got up at 5:30a to pump a little) so she didn’t go down for her morning nap till 9a, but she’s still sleeping. It’s been over an hour. So this might be the morning nap draining from the late morning nap that she’s going to start to minimize or eliminate. The late afternoon nap (1pm-ish) is supposed to develop on its own around 5 months.
*I was concerned the past few days since she’d been sick, since she doesn’t stay at the breast long. Flip Flop Girl suggested yesterday that she is just more efficient at eating, so what may have taken 10 mins before now takes 5-6 minutes, doesn’t mean she’s starving herself. What Allie does is pull off my breast, turn her upper body to face up (and away from her food source), and smile at the ceiling. Or, she talks to me, as she’d been doing the past few days. “aaaAAAAAaah! Gggkkkkk!” She’s practicing her gutteral sounds. Sometimes it sounds like she’s saying “milkkkkkkk.” She waits for me to do the “ggggkkkkkk” back, and when I do, she laughs. Then she does it again. “Aaaal ggggkkkkkkkk!!” And I do it back. She laughs. I tell her I’m going to stop playing with her now cuz she needs to eat. Then I find myself doing it again. “Ggggkkkkkk!” Allie laughs. That trickster.
*She found her thumbs yesterday. Since then she’s been happily sucking.

*She loves to stand. She sits like a big girl in the hole of the Boppy, but she’ll reach for my thumbs, one in each hand, and wants me to pull her to standing, slowly. She kicks up against the couch she’s sitting on to help me. If I don’t help pull her up and I’m too busy entertaining her with songs, she’ll start leaning forward and kicking up and down with her feet, eager to get up.
*Yesterday, I watched Mr. W do the funniest thing with her. He had her laying on his lap vertically, her head at his knees and her feet on his chest. He leaned forward, pushing her knees into her chest and bringing his face to her face. “Aaaah-aaaah!” she’d say to him. He leans back. She stops. He leans up. “Aaaah-aaah!” Back. Stops. This happened over and over, like his leaning up was triggering her sounds. Two separate occasions they played this game, and both times I ruined it by laughing so that it distracted Allie and she turned to look at me, and stopped responding to Mr. W’s movements.
*She says “Ell” the most, which sometimes sounds like “Allie.” Since most of the questions I ask her are things like “Who’s that pretty girl in the mirror?” “Who’s sitting like a big girl?” “Who’s got a big diaper full of pee?”, it sounds like she’s answering correctly.
*She grabs cloths, brings them to her mouth and leans her head down to greet her hands so she’s curled forward, and I guess it works cuz it helps me hold the burp cloths in place and she ends up wiping her own mouth and chin.
*She’s started drooling.
*She bats at toys that dangle over her hand and face. It may be accidental, though. But she definitely grasps things from the high chair’s table and pulls them on her lap.

For the most part, she seems recovered from the RSV infection. She may cough a couple times a day, but no crazy spasms, no vomiting. We’ve stopped using the nebulizer, and lowered her mattress back down. The inclined mattress was a pain, making her slide down to the rail when she’s kicking around during/after sleeping. I still run the humidifier in her room for most naps and overnights, but not all naps.

Yesterday I dropped the $50/month upgrade membership to the super duper gym in favor of a $80/month membership for Gymboree. Flip Flop Girl had said Gymboree gives free classes and that it’s a good time to meet and talk to parents of other kids in Allie’s age range. I looked up our nearest baby gym, it’s about a 15-minute drive, I signed up for the free class immediately, and off I went yesterday. I didn’t make any new best friends, but people there were very nice. Allie was the youngest but not the smallest (by any stretch) in this category of 0-6 month babies. The interactive class was basically 45 minutes of singing and play with everyone seated with their babies in a circle, all designed to stimulate baby’s eye tracking and other motor skills. We put color props in our babies’ hands and on their bodies for tactile development, colorful transparent scarves over their faces to play peek-a-boo, we had them do a collective tummy time over a big mirror on the ground (Allie was the only one with what appears to be zero head-up skills, but that’s cuz she hates tummy time at home), bubbles were blown at them to get them to reach and touch, a giant colorful parachute was spun over their heads as they laid in a circle looking up, the babies were rolled over and bounced gently on the big exercise ball (i.e. birthing ball, i.e. core strengthening ball, depending on which context you’re in). The instructor and parents sung through the entire thing with songs that matched actions we were doing with the babies (yes, “Wheels on the Bus” was one). One parent to my right said that when her baby was 2 months, she couldn’t bring herself to come to a thing like this; the instructor also said Allie did really well for her young age and it being her first time as I guess most first-time babies get overstimulated and cry. Despite this class being at an awkward time for Allie (it’s usually during the time she should be napping, and ends right when she’s supposed to have her next meal so she’s hungry), she DID do really well. She smiled and cooed and looked around, watched the other babies, and tracked most thing I put over her.

I haven’t been to an adult gym since the 2nd trimester of my pregnancy, so it’s only right I swap something I’m not using for something that’s teaching me what I don’t know how to do (interact with age-appropriate education with Allie). Since it’s month-to-month membership with no cancellation penalty, it gives me something to do three days a week until I get back to work.

Mr. W suggests daily that I quit work forthwith. It’s too unsettling to consider at this point. I get the logic points, that most of my salary will go toward paying someone else to watch the baby, and who better but a parent to watch her own baby? But work is more than just an exchange of money for me. It’s social, I still feel a sense of obligation to my staff, and it has a huge thing to do with my sense of self-worth. I’ve been financially independent since very early on and I am loathe to give up that comfort. Plus, full-time childcare is temporary until Allie goes to school; quitting my job in this economy is permanent.

I think the routine is working — Allie still had a fussy period last nite (albeit shorter and less emphatic than it had been in the beginning, and the best part: both Mr. W and I are now emotionally unaffected! We just comforted her if needed, and we ourselves were comforted with the thought that the more energy she expends right now crying, the more tired she’ll be later.) between 8-9p-ish, but Mr. W was able to put her down for naptime on the couch on her back before she woke up into her fussy period. She didn’t sleep long, maybe half an hour or so, but she was able to fall asleep in a strange environment with lights/TV on, with just about a minute or less assistance from the pacifier. I nursed her for the last time at 9pm, she went to sleep in her crib shortly after with minimal fussing and no assistance from the pacifier (I would say most evenings now she doesn’t need the pacifier to go down for the night), and skipped her usual 4am feeding. She instead woke up crying for food at 6:10a-ish. That’s 9 hours between meals! My breasts were not comfortable, but I pumped behind her morning feeding to store and felt much better. She’s now back to sleep, but it’s anyone’s guess how long she’ll stay down since she’s used to getting up between 7a and 8a with a 4a and a 7a feeding. This later morning first feeding throws her schedule off.

Pumping is still a mental game; I “power-pumped” at the advice of my cousin with 10 mins on, 10 mins break, 10 mins back on, and the first pump behind her feeding only got me 1.5 oz total; the 2nd pump after the break (during which I brushed my teeth, washed my face, got dressed for the day, cuz you can’t afford to be unproductive with precious free minutes with an infant) yielded another 2.5 oz so I was able to store 4 oz in the freezer for future use. I power-pumped last nite for her evening bottle feeding, which I was to do in lieu of breastfeeding, and got out 4 oz total, also. I look forward to a day when I don’t have to power-pump and could supply enough milk first round. The 1st pump behind a feeding doesn’t give me a letdown anymore, but the 2nd one does. I got my Medela Harmony handpump in the mail yesterday; my cousin Jennifer feels it gets out more than the electric pump. I haven’t tried it, yet, but I did take it apart, disinfect all the parts and put them back together to familiarize myself.

I have no idea how pumping is going to work when I get back to the courthouse after maternity leave; finding a place to pump and store the parts may be difficult. I’m going to have to ask for longer and very regular breaks when we’re in trial, too. I guess as a last resort, I can borrow a reporter’s office and their mini-fridge. =P I know that law provides that in a workplace with 50+ employees, a clean private mother’s lounge is required to let mothers pump at work, but the building is only so big and they can’t just build a room.

Speaking of work, I received second-hand an email between downtown Payroll Dept and our in-house administrative secretary Patricia who does payroll for us. I had carefully planned for usage of my time so that I could maximize my maternity leave, but apparently a Payroll clerk downtown changed my time and instead of letting me use sick time for this CRFA (baby bonding time), and I have tons of sick hours, she switched it to use vacation time, which I have a very limited supply of. The reason I want to use sick during CRFA is because I will NOT be allowed to use sick after the 6 weeks of CRFA is over, so at that point I HAVE to use my limited vacation. This way of using my time has been approved by my supervisors and later by some other downtown department; I don’t know where she gets off changing it despite what I’d put on the maternity leave form. Patricia didn’t think it was right, either, and wanted to make sure I got a copy of the email. Yet another stressor. I’ll have to call and see if I could make this Payroll clerk change my time usage back to the way I’d intended it. Apparently she’d changed it as of January 9 without my permission. That means I’d run out of vacation time very quickly and the rest of my time off would be without pay. I had a hard time falling asleep being upset/stressed over this last nite/this morning.

We took Allie Cat to work on Friday, just for a visit and to get some business done, pick up a check, etc. The only person I told ahead of time was my court reporter Louise, and she told my judge. I didn’t want to get swarmed at work with the baby, but I figured once I got there and got situated, I could call specific people to have them come to me. At Louise’s suggestion, we got there at lunchtime, when we figured most people wouldn’t be around. Oddly, NOBODY was around. On my floor, my judge’s chambers were dark, and Louise’s office light was on with the door slightly ajar, but she wasn’t there, either. That’s really unusual; those two are almost always in through lunch. Mr. W wandered around while I walked Allie around my courtroom and he found that it was a ghost town everywhere. Turned out people were upstairs in the Judges’ Lounge for an annual karaoke holiday party. Mr. W went up there and snagged some people and sent them down to me, knowing I didn’t want to bring a newborn around to a crowd upstairs. (Turned out Louise went to Costco and my judge had called in sick because his back gave out and he couldn’t move. I should call to check up on him. As for Mr. W’s work-related errands, he’d called his supervisor before we left, and she told him, “Don’t bring the baby to the office! Everyone’s sick!” so that took care of that.)

It was rather risky taking the baby out in public this early, and went against the pediatrician’s advice, because she has no immune system, yet, and this is flu season. Plus, who knows what diseased inmate a bailiff was searching just before he came out and saw us. But everyone at work was really great and kept their hands off Allie, only standing over her or sitting next to me and watching. It made me think of all the times I’d reached out and touched babies’ hands, now wondering whether their mothers cringed as I did that. My impression is that no one usually brought out a 3-week-old for me to interact with, though. I’d feel better once Allie reaches the 2-month mark and could get her vaccinations.

She had a little meltdown while I was alone in my courtroom with her. She screamed so hard she echoed off the walls. It was a good thing the floor was abandoned. I gave in and gave her the pacifier when I couldn’t calm her down, so by the time the first coworker came down to see us, she was calm and sleepy. Soon, as lunch ended, people returned to the floor and more friend-coworkers were located and they came down, also. At one point I had to breastfeed her, so I did that in my reporter’s office for 2 minutes before she let out some wet-sounding toots. I stopped, brought her into the courtroom and asked Mr. W to get a diaper and the changing pad and to meet me in the jury room restroom. Yup, sure enough, poopy! Yay! I understand; court sometimes bugs the crap out of me, too. She was so comfortable after that, after we finished feeding, she fell asleep.

People gave the usual obligatory “she’s beautiful” compliments, some said she was a “mini-Cindy,” and some said they could actually see Mr. W in her. I asked, “Where?!” There was a consensus that she resembled him about the chin and the outside of the mouth. Mr. W was a proud papa totin’ her around, showing her off. I’m so glad we were able to find that fertility clinic and do the ICSI procedure; I’m glad I don’t have to find out what it’d be like if Allie had none of his DNA. I’d probably feel guiltier when she cried and made Mr. W tired, and he may feel less connected to her and not play with her as much or give her those little kisses on top of her head as often. And it’d sure be awkward if people claimed they could see him in her features.

I posted this photo on the social networking site when I announced Allie’s 1-week birthday, saying “Cindy’s Allie Cat is 1 week old today! Time flies when you’re sleepless in babyland.”

People on the site have been incredibly responsive and when I posted that I’d given birth, within 20 minutes there were 40+ responses and comments. For this one, I got a lot of comments about the bear, too, which is a gift from the Sheriff’s Department at work. I also got a rap from a DA at the courthouse:
“To see something as adorable would indeed be rare, as Allie dozin’ off without a care, all hugged up inside of a bear….”
My little Allie, inspiring music. haha

Hooray! I made it through all my scheduled days of work without incident, and am starting maternity leave after today! With a due date of 11/21 (11 days away) and a clairvoyantly-predicted delivery date of 11/13ish (3 days away, eek!), I know I really pushed it. But I had wanted as many days home as I could after Allie comes out, not sitting around watching TV while she incubates in here. I figured early on in my pregnancy, since I wasn’t very affected by all the pregnancy symptoms people complain about (my hair texture/thickness didn’t even change, altho I think my skin actually got clearer thanks to a lack of PMS the past 10 months), that I could work until as close to the end of my pregnancy as I dared. Looking back, the worst of it all was just the nausea that my occasional not eating well induced in the first trimester (not that I ever threw up), and the current finger joint pain and upper abdominal pain (caused by Allie’s recent favorite places to lodge her foot while I was sleeping) I’d wake up with.

Until last nite. I’d been having random minor lower abdominal cramps, feeling like menstrual cramps. I would give it a 2 on the pain scale — annoying and distracting but not rising to any caliber where I’d even be concerned with it. But last nite as I tried to sleep, these cramps were persistent, strong, and joined by lower back pain. Half-awake, I thought to myself that if this continued, I wasn’t sure if I could make it to my last scheduled day of work in the morning. At some point, everything subsided and I fell easily into sleep until the morning. I did dream that I had these awful sensations at work and had to leave early. (I still think that if I have to deal with the stresses of work in my dreams, I oughta get overtime.) I remember saying to Mr. W in the midst of these cramps, “I think she’s coming this weekend, if not tomorrow.”

Yesterday at work, I was in the restroom and studied my engorged-looking tummy in the mirror. That old Ambrosia song popped into my head and I thought, looking at the giant bump, “…she IS the ‘Biggest Part of Me.’ ” I googled the lyrics, and yup, looks appropriate when you think about it being applied to my baby girl. I think this’ll be our song.

BIGGEST PART OF ME – Ambrosia

Sunrise, there’s a new sun arisin’
In your eyes, I can see a new horizon
Realize, that will keep me realizin’
You’re the biggest part of me

Stay the night, Need your lovin’ here beside me
Shine the light, Need you close enough to guide me
For all my life, I’ve been hopin’ you would find me
You’re the biggest part of me

(Chorus:)
Well, make a wish, baby
Well and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby
Of the things I’ll do for you
Ain’t no risk now
In lettin’ my love rain down on you
So we could wash away the past
So that we may start anew

Rainbow, risin’ over my shoulder
Love flows, gettin’ better as we’re older
All I know, all I want to do is hold her
She’s the life that breathes in me
Forever, got a feelin’ that forever
Together, we are gonna stay together
For better, for me there’s nothin’ better
You’re the biggest part of me

(Chorus)

More than an easy feelin’
She brings joy to me
How can I tell you what it means to me
Flow like a lazy river
For an eternity
I’ve finally found someone who believes in me
And I’ll never leave

Oh, not to doubt now
Mmmm, make life grand

(Chorus)

Beside me, need your lovin’ here beside me
To guide me, keep it close enough to guide me
Inside of me, from the fears that are inside of me
You’re the biggest part of me

Forever, got a feelin’ that forever
Together, we are gonna stay together
Forever, from now until forever
You’re the biggest part of me
You’re the life that breathes in me
You’re the biggest part of me

You changed my life
You made it right
And I’ll be a servant to you
For the rest of my life
You’re the biggest part of me

(she IS the life that breathes and hiccups in me, and I’m sure she’ll make me her servant for long to come. 🙂 )

Someone at work mentioned a “baby pool” the other day. As cool as it would be to have a daycare at work with its own swimming pool for babies, we’re in the midst of an economic crisis, so this “baby pool” refers to a potential revenue gaining event. I wasn’t aware of this, but the person discussing the baby pool with me said that people bet all the time on when someone was going to give birth, and he expects that such a wager will be made regarding the day of Allie’s debut.

Rebecca had already given me a 2-day range of the day she “sees” Allie coming out, so I wondered how ethical it would be for me to join a pool when I’m in regular contact with a clairvoyant. And then I thought, these wagers aren’t even LEGAL so who cares about ethics, right?

The Universe decided to make things more fair. I had an online conversation with Rebecca later the same day I learned what a baby pool was, and she “checked in” to see if she had an update on the birthing situation. That 2-day range was GONE. What she now saw was “could be as early as the 7th, or as late as the 24th.” WHAT?! With a due date of the 21st, any doctor could’ve said Allie could be up to 2 weeks early, or a few days late! This wasn’t going to help me in the office pool!

Me: uh-oh…if it’s the 7th, I’ll go into labor at work.
Rebecca: 🙂
Me: HMMM, that could be fun! I’ll run around the courthouse going, “My water broke! My water broke!”
Rebecca: Well, I’m not sure about that. I have the impression you will not go in to work on the day you are going into labor. You might feel a bit funny and for once you will listen and not go in to work and it will turn out you will be in labor.
Me: HAHAHAHA! “for once you will listen.” it’s like you live with me.
Rebecca: …well…I do “eavesdrop” a bit into your life, but always with permission 🙂
Me: of course, you’re welcome to. I appreciate the good intentions with which you do that. 🙂
Rebecca: Thanks…and I appreciate you more than you know.

I pretty much only come here to write a post if there’s a lot of stuff I want to say and document. Otherwise the short little ditties just go on the social networking site. I feel a little bad about this, cuz blog readers don’t see my quickies and I lose out on the daily documentation. Stuff like:

Today: “Cindy woke up this morning on her stomach, with Allie trying to tap out. Oops.”
“Cindy indulged in some yummy Japanese treats for breakfast. Thanks, Lauren [court reporter’s daugher working for Disneyland in Japan], Danielle [court reporter’s daughter visiting Disneyland sister], and [court reporter]! =9 Allie’s all happy and bouncing from it right now.”

Yesterday: “Cindy and hubby got Allie what will be the most expensive furniture in the entire house. =P http://www.babyappleseed.com/beaumont-crib.htm”
“Cindy dreamt Riley came out instead of Allie, but as a talking intellectual small child. He had to wear Allie’s pink ‘coming home’ outfit that was too small, but when asked why he hid his gender behind his foot at the last ultrasound (preventing proper clothes from being prepared for him), he wouldn’t give a straight answer.”

Sunday: “
Cats find their sunny perches anywhere, so watch where ur steppin when one’s around.”

Saturday: “Cindy is among a throng of 2000 (& growing) ppl for the raffling of lake spots for the B52 concert tonite. Not feeling optimistic. Come on, blue-8.” (along with a whole album of photos, posted later, of the resulting surprisingly decent spot we snagged on the sand at a diagonal to the stage, but front-center for the fireworks show after the concert, and photos of us there with our guests, Coworker Sandy, her hubby Rich, Gym Trainee, and my growing-like-a-week godson, Gym Trainee’s now 14-yr old high school kid.)

Friday: “Cindy wonders if she should alert plaintiffs’ counsel to the difference between ‘skim’ and ‘scan,’ as he keeps telling witnesses things like, ‘This is a half-inch document, if you could just scan this briefly?’.” Comments on this one were amusing.

Signs that the Universe wants you to take better care of yourself:

I found myself invited to an amazing birthday spread this morning on behalf of the judge next door. Some of my favorite things were there: lemon meringue pie, chocolate silk pie, chocolate cake, tiramisu in individual cups. But today after work is when I’d planned to have my gestational diabetes test. *sigh* I had some provolone cheese with 2 crackers, some grapes, orange juice, and half a bagel instead.

My lunch at California Pizza Kitchen (spinach & mushroom flatbread) came with a soup or a salad. I knew I should order salad, but ordered some sort of cream soup instead. The waiter brought me the salad anyway, and not the soup. So I just asked for some dressing on the side and used it sparingly. *sigh*

(…like our late President FDR’s Fireside Chats, as I’m likely drinking as much coffee as he was sitting in front of an actual fireplace on air.)

WORK: I turned in my doctor’s note about the driving and public transportation restriction yesterday. The “powers that be” here at work kept me in the building, telling me to cover for a late-arriving clerk in Family Law in the morning. I went in there and was a fish out of water, but I was going to fudge my way through it. Luckily, a floater clerk heard about my being in there and came up of his own volition to relieve me, since he was trained in Family Law and I wasn’t. I totally owe my awesome coworkers. I ended up getting caught up on desk work in my own courtroom. We’ll see what management decides to do with me today.

PREGNANCY: I’d always wondered why pregnant women rub their hands and fingertips repeatedly on their swollen bellies. I’ve never gone up to a pregnant belly-rubbing woman and asked, but I’d filed the question away in my mental filing cabinet in a section called, “You’ll find out when you get older.” My mom started that file for me when I was very young. “You don’t need to ask me about grown-up stuff. You’ll find out/understand when you get older.” I’d put tons of stuff in there in the past, like the lyrics to “Star-Spangled Banner,” or why it was inappropriate to share a bed with one’s stepdad (thank you, soap operas that play when 6-year-olds are home from school). Now that I’m 6 months pregnant and definitely “popped,” I pulled out that belly-rubbing question again. I still don’t get it.

PHILOSOPHICAL PONDERINGS: I’m having an e-mail conversation with Dardy, and we’re discussing expectations leading to disappointment. This applies to anything, from my let-down trying a Magnum ice cream bar for the first time after seeing the most incredible advertising for them, to his meeting people face-to-face for the first time. His perspective is that generally, he’s learned to stop having expectations because those can skew how one perceives an otherwise perfectly fine situation. He brought up as an example, “that damn 99% rottentomatoes rating made me think that _toy story 3_ would blow my mind, but it didn’t, so i walked out disappointed despite it being a perfectly decent movie.” So it made me think a little.
I think anticipation is natural and kinda fun, but I do agree that expectations ruin a lot of things. We as humans can’t be so cocky as to think we know exactly what would and what should happen in our paths. When we get cocky, the Universe decides to show us a thing or two. 😉 I think rolling with the punches is an excellent skill, as with being able to see beyond the mismatch of expectation-to-reality, so that instead of griping and being upset that things weren’t as we’d wanted, we can see the beauty of things being MORE than we’d anticipated. There are learning experiences everywhere, and not everything is a black mark just because it wasn’t what we’d expected. That’s one of those things I seem completely incapable of teaching some people, as those people are continually aggravated by things not being exactly as they’d expected/wanted them to turn out. I can’t seem to make them see that the way things do turn out is still okay, and in some ways better, and in some ways needed in order to improve oneself. I think one has to be open-minded and introspective to see that.