cindy's world

Among the many errands I had to run at lunchtime today (I’m too sore to work out anyway) was getting gas and a car wash. For both, I went to a local Shell station. I pulled up behind a truck using the 2nd pump and waited for my turn. The car at the 1st pump in front of the truck finished and left. Before the truck could finish gassing up and leave, however, a beat-up car pulled up into the 1st gas pump and blocked the truck. Subsequently, a van pulled up behind me to wait its turn at the pump, so I had nowhere to go.
The man who drove the truck in front of me walked up to the guy in the beat-up car and altho I could not hear him, I could tell by the gesturing that he was telling the front guy to back his car out because I had been waiting behind him for my turn. The front guy looked toward me and ignored truck guy and walked into the building to pay. The truck guy turned and met my eyes, shook his head at me, then followed the front guy into the building. There was another altercation, more heated, between the two outside the building as front guy walked out to go back to the pump. Truck guy went back into the building presumably to get an employee.
Then front guy walked up to my car. I lowered the window. “Can you move your car to let the gentleman in front of you out?” he asked me. WHAT?! “Are you parked in front of him?” I asked. He said yes. I said, “I’ve been waiting here behind him; I can’t back out, there’s a van behind me. Why can’t you go around and use the pumps on the other side?” Both pumps connected to our pumps facing the other side were UNOCCUPIED, by the way. He ignored me and started walking back to his car.
Truck guy walked out of the building indignantly with a service attendant in tow, pointing toward the beat up car and gesturing angrily. Truck guy yelled in my direction, “Don’t back out! You don’t have to!” There were more dramatic yelling and gesturing and eventually, front guy backed his car out, let the truck out, and moved back in, and I moved up to the second pump. What an ass!
I got out of the car and put my hand up to the truck as it passed me on the street, mouthing “thank you.” He waved back.

Good samaritans.

Saturday:
Burke Williams in Orange was a nice facility, but it was overcrowded. I liked how in Brea’s Glen Ivy, even tho the apptmts were booked, I was never in a room with more than 3 people at the same time. BW in Orange, similarly to the BW in Pasadena, packed their clients in. Time flies by the fastest in 3 situations: when you’re facing an imminent deadline; when you’re talking to or hanging out with someone you really like; when you’re receiving a massage. My 80 minute massage felt like 45. I think I may have dozed off for a few minutes, tho.
After we (childhood friend Vicky and I) left the spa, we walked around The Block and had a sushi dinner. Then more shopping as she looked for stuff to buy her hubbie. Goofed off at Saks 5th Ave as she tried on various oversized fur hats and I took her photos w/my cameraphone. The last time we’d done something like that was early undergrad, laughing hysterically while trying on oversized sunglasses at Nordstrom that made us look like flies.

Sunday:
I woke up bummed on Sunday at 7a and could not go back to sleep. I finally got up and did an intensive workout from 8a-9a, then got ready and met my friend Edgar at 10a for a Taiwanese breakfast. Turnip cake, flakey flat pastry stuffed with beef and cilantro, fried “ghost” (literal translation from Mandarin: oil strip), and a big bowl of fresh hot soy milk. We walked around the strip, then drove down to Ten Ren for boba tea. It was nice to catch up on each other’s lives.
Then I drove to my parents’ house for my weekend visit, first making a detour to park in the shade at the local public library to chat with my college roommie Diana for 2 hours. As usual, we comforted each other and laughed at our social problems, and commiserated about how freaking far away in time our Cancun trip is.
At my parents’, I laid on their Ceragem infrared bed and let it run its program on me for 40 minutes. I fell asleep for about 20 minutes. That reinforced that I would very soon be okay. The first sign of things going bad for me is the inability to sleep.
On the drive home from my parents’, I called someone with whom things had ended rather badly a couple weeks ago. I hadn’t ever planned on talking to him again, but recent events made me appreciate certain things about him, and I wanted to make a small effort altho I didn’t expect him to reciprocate by even picking up the phone. Surprisingly, he did and appeared to have no grudges. We didn’t talk long, maybe 45 seconds, but it was long enough to know we were cool.
I got back home and met up with my ex personal trainer Brian, who arrived perfectly punctually with his electrician tool pack (he really is a jack of all trades). He immediately went to work removing the old and installing my new garbage disposal unit in the kitchen as I cleaned up downstairs around him, vacuuming, windexing, tidying. I didn’t even want to watch him; it looked way too complicated for me, what with the plumber’s putty, electrical wires and plumbing he had to reconnect. After he was done, we went to Cafe El Cholo for dinner. Their mango fruit-infused margarita never disappoints. The mango was so fresh in the blended puree. Similarly to my earlier outing w/Edgar, it was great to catch up w/Brian over good food.

One of the worst things I have felt is to watch someone I care about very much not do well, and feel completely helpless to do anything about it. And even as I stood helplessly, he looked upon me to offer him something to improve the situation, and I racked my mind, but in the time it took for that, he was already disappointed at my lack of response and fading fast. And the feeling at this moment, the feelings of ineptitude, confusion, failure, fear, all joined together and are screaming at me in unison – You fool, have you not had enough of this world? Why did you put yourself back out there? Withdraw to the safe place you were even one week prior.

As wonderful as those memories of one week ago were — the closed invulnerability, the peace of letting no one in — I still hug my knees in tears instead of regressing back to the happily balanced girl because, I whisper back against the yelling, I still care.

Me: I hate spring cleaning.
Friend: why clean then?
Me: it needs to be done to avoid my possible embarrassment.
Friend: just invite ppl over and don’t turn on the lights
Me: so I can only invite them at night.
Friend: ya
Friend: or close the curtains and window dressings
Me: or immediately gouge their eyes out upon their entry into my house.
Friend: ya that works too
Friend: save u from cleaning
Me: well, at least it’s for a good cause.

I know the title has nothing to do w/this post, but it was just something I’d just said and I like it.

It’s amazing how moods and memories are controlled by music. I can’t listen to any hip hop that came out between mid-2003 and mid-2005 without heavy duty stress and subsequent foul mood, so if this is all the radio’s playing, I have to listen to talk radio or a CD. I love songs that remind me of high school and college. Today, driving home, I popped in a CD that took me back to the beginning of 2003, a time when I felt sexy, empowered and free. I instantly fell back into that mindframe, and the drive back home was absolutely euphoric. I even took a way that I knew would take longer due to road construction, just so I could enjoy the music longer. I need to make a CD of songs that make me want to grind the dance floor.

Things to remember (inspired by a conversation w/a friend earlier):
* guys get interested fast, but they also lose interest fast
* situations that run their course quickly also change quickly as they run out of course
* things will run their natural course whether or not I sweat it

That being said, things to look forward to this weekend:
* this afternoon, with a good friend subbing in as my bailiff
* this evening, hanging at Outback after work
* this Saturday morning, Taiwanese breakfast with my college best friend to catch up on each other’s lives
* this Saturday afternoon, meeting up w/a friend I’ve had since 3rd grade, an 80 minute massage at Burke Williams Day Spa at The Block at Orange, and subsequent hanging out, shopping, eating at The Block
* this Sunday, visiting my parents then meeting up w/my ex roommate/ex personal trainer at my house so he can help me take care of a chore, then we’re going out to dinner

We just had a 10 minute break in our trial, and the defense attorney and I got into a conversation about dating. He told me about a girlfriend he had long ago; the relationship was cut short when she was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. We discussed the mentality of these jealous stalkerish murderous exes.

“The moral of all this, of course, is that men suck,” I concluded matter-of-factly.
“What? Not all men! I have single male friends who are wonderful people,” said the attorney.
“Yeah? Then why are they still single?” I challenged.
“Well, by the same token, I can ask why you’re still single.” Typical attorney talk.
“Because men suck!” It’s a simple concept to me!

…in retrospect, I should’ve gone for the shock value answer. “Because the State of California won’t legalize same-sex marriages!” would’ve been a good choice.

At Jade’s request, the “before” gray eyes look.

Also a day in which I slept very little. Up at 4am, then a very full day playing bridesmaid at Vicky’s wedding; this shot was taken at like 2am later that evening.

The A/C at work is ridiculous! They let us decide how long to put a man in prison for, but they won’t let us decide what temperature the courtroom should be. The result is we’re at the mercy of the unpredictable air conditioning. Each floor’s different, each courtroom’s different, and most of them are extreme.

I can literally hear the air blowing all morning. It’s like I’m sitting in a blizzard, except I’m in heels, a skirt and short sleeves. I told my reporter just now, “It’s freezing! If there were a baby white seal in here right now, I’d club it and make myself a fur coat.”
My vegetarian reporter whimpered, “Oh! Cindy! Take that back!”
I looked at her pained expression. “Okay, I wouldn’t. I’d hug it for body heat.”
“That’s better!”

I was so geared up to finally hit the gym today, and not just some wimpy workout. I wanted to slam the weights, carve into my abs, go until my legs couldn’t support my weight any longer.

And then my judge announced his intent to work us through lunch.

As my jujitsu instructor would say, “Stercus accidit.”