cindy's world

You know you’re not meant to pick up a phone call if, in 4 rings, you had tried to pick it up from the phone next to you and realize that it’s unplugged, so rather than fish around for the wiring, you dash down the hallway into your bedroom to get that phone, except since the hall light’s burnt out at that end of the hall, you can’t see and you don’t want to step on the cat that may or may not be lounging in between the doorway and the bed (one of his favorite spots), so you slow down, step carefully, finally leap onto the bed, and reach over to the nightstand at the far side of the bed for the phone, and your hand doesn’t find the phone because for whatever reason, you moved the phone closer to the wall that morning, and when you finally find and grab the phone and bring it to your ear, before you can gasp out the entire word “hello,” you hear the other end click a hang-up.

I can count on 2 hands how many people have my home #, and count on 1 hand who would call it. My cell didn’t ring after the house phone stopped ringing, so it’s not someone who really wants to get a hold of me, as much as someone just seeing if I’m home. And 10pm is too late for telemarketers.

YES!! Thank you, Karen! (Referring to the “Unfocused Picture” post from 7-25-05.)

TRUTH IS by Fantasia Barrino

Ah Oh Ah Oh

[Verse 1]
Ran into an old friend yesterday
Caught me by surprise when he called my name
He was a familiar face, from a chapter in my past
Talked for a while, asked him how it’s been
Said that he was seeing somebody and
Told me this was gonna last
Showing me her photograph

[Hook]
And all the feelings that I thought were gone
Came rushing back to me at once
Tried to smile and hide the way I felt
But I was thinking to myself

[Chorus]
(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it’s all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it’s killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it’s all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you

[Verse 2]
We reminisce on the way things used to be
Shared a couple laughs, shared some memories
Talked about the things that changed
Some for good and some for bad
Then he said good-bye and he paid for lunch
Promised that we’d always keep in touch
Grabbed my bags and grabbed my thoughts, walked away and that was that

[Hook]
And all the feelings that I thought were gone
Came rushing back to me at once
Tried to smile and hide the way I felt
But I was thinking to myself

[Chorus]
(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it’s all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it’s killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it’s all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you

[Bridge]
Now the truth is it hurts but I know that the fault is mine
‘Cuz I let him go
Tried to get over it but it’s messin’ with my mind (Because I know)

[Chorus (2x)]
(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it’s all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it’s killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it’s all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you

I just gotta be honest, I guess, I-I guess, I’m still in love, in love, in love

I was toying with a very enticing possibility staring me in the face, but I was on the fence about it. Everyone around me are giving me the thumbs-up about it, but since I overthink things anyway, I was already weighing the many possible negative outcomes should I choose that path. This is all very premature anyway, since I don’t even know that this offer will be made to me. And then I eat a Doves chocolate and the fortune in the wrapper says, “Hey, why not?”

Whoa, nelly.

Can’t wait till tomorrow.

Did you guys know that for travel to the Carribeans, you HAVE to have a passport now? Anyway, I just found out that passport renewals are done thru mail and I can download the form online, so I’m going to the gym to WORK OUT at lunch. I feel less lame now. Yay! Of course, this takes away the evening gym plans and replaces it with evening passport crap.

I made corn chowder last nite for dinner after jujitsu and settled down with a “Friends” DVD in the living room. The next thing I knew, it was 7:15am. I went upstairs, turned off my beeping alarm clock, and ignored the nearly audible voice chanting “Don’t lie down on the bed. Don’t lie down on the bed.” Next thing I knew, it was 8:15am. Argh.

This hampers my lunch plans. I didn’t get my morning shower in, so I’m gonna (this is so lame) go to the gym at lunch and shower there. Then I’m not going to work out, because I need to renew my passport at the local post office at lunch. Usually the post office is closed by the time I get off work. I am going to skip jujitsu tonite – even the simple back falls last nite hurt my back severely – so I can go to the gym after work. Then I’m gonna go home and vacuum the house, maybe tidy up a bit, sort and file my paid bills.

Ooh. Watch out, Cindy. You’re livin’ on the edge of the fast life.

I added a bunch of pages to this blogsite. See bar at right. Let me know if you guys enjoy them! They took me forever to put together and format. Especially the Latin one.

Both my wrists are tweaked and the right side of my lower back, an injury I’ve had for weeks, is now aggravated. Now add to the casualty list my left shoulder. I know what’s better for me is to skip jujitsu today and maybe even tomorrow, and just do cardio at the gym at lunch. I thought about doing this, and then I imagined not having anything on my plate in the evenings for the next 2 days if I skip jujitsu. The extra free time scares me. I had gotten to a point where I viewed my few hours of free time not as emptiness, but welcomed relaxation and opportunity to catch up on chores. I’m not sure whether it’s that my state of mind is not there anymore and has regressed, or that I can only deal with so much free time before I feel lost, lonely and scared in the vacuum of emptiness.

When I was a sophomore at UCLA, my cousin’s then-boyfriend Johnny was a freshman there and we were good friends. Johnny had this little Korean girl (also a freshman) who used to be his shadow. People would come up to me and ask what was up with Johnny and this girl, and I’d tell them nothing, they were just friends and they studied together a lot. I did personally suspect that at least one of them had other intentions about the other, tho. One day, Johnny and I were walking back to our respective apartments after class, and he seemed a bit down. Since I can’t remember that girl’s name, I’ll just call her Susie. “Susie told me today that she likes me,” Johnny said. We walked a few more paces. “That sucks, because now we can’t hang out anymore.”
“Why not?” I asked.
He looked at me in surprise. “Because! I have a girlfriend! I’m not going to be hanging out with a girl who has a crush on me, that’s just ASKING for trouble.”
At the time, I had never had a boyfriend before, and was unable to fully appreciate what Johnny was doing. I sensed that he was making a morally sound decision that did not serve him hedonistically, but that to him, it wasn’t even a matter of making a decision. It was one of those natural, common sense things to him; even tho it made him sad that he was losing a friend, he respected my cousin’s feelings and his relationship above all else. And my cousin didn’t even have to fight for or force this loyalty.
I often think about that conversation, less than a minute in its occurrence, and its enormous impact on me now. Now that my eyes have been darkened a bit more by life and experience, that moment with Johnny glows all the more ethereally in contrast.

We did free sparring today. I lined up with the instructor, got a few good hits in, he got a few good kicks and hits on me, and after a few rounds, I went in for a low punch, made the mistake of ducking my head doing that, and he grabbed the back of my head and pushed my head downward. “What’re you gonna do now?” he challenged. I did a front kick straight up and the back of my foot met with his left cheek. I dropped my foot but in my shock and horror at making this contact with his face, I just froze, wide-eyed, with my hands around my open mouth, and barely managed to gasp out “I’m sorry!” before I fell backward on my ass, having forgotten to regain my balance.
He at first looked shocked himself. “I didn’t expect you to be able to kick that high!” he said, and then he looked so proud.
“I thought you’d dodge it!” I declared accusingly.
He came up to me a few times after that in private and kept giving me props on my seeing an opening and taking it and getting the hit in, but I still feel bad.
Funny thing about backs – just when you think it’s healed, you fall on it a few times (unsuccessful jump kicks when the opponent’s captured my other heel in his hand) and now it’s giving me the sharp pains again. Oomph.

Yesterday while at work, I ate 3 giant cookies (m&ms, peanut butter and chocolate chip). That was my entire edible nutriment content from waking till 4:30pm. I got home, ate some of my mom’s fried rice that she made over the weekend and had me take with me (Asian moms are so good about trying to feed their kids for the week when the kids visit on the weekend), rested a bit, then flew off to jujitsu. On the drive back from jujitsu, I called up an old friend and we met at a Thai food restaurant where I had a red bean drink (whole milk tastes like creamer!), and we shared steamed mussels and some sort of steamed Thai spring rolls. For the small volume of food I ingested, I estimate I took in 2300 calories. Good gawd! I told myself that as I’m already bloated from the In-N-Out Burger I had on Sunday, I need to take it easy on food for the remainder of the week.

So this morning when I got to work, I only ate one giant cookie. Chocolate chip.