cindy's world

Is it just me, or are hot men who wink at you even hotter for doing that?!

The human mind, with all its physical nerves, hormones and neurotransmitters, is quite an amazing thing. With all its intricate, miraculous abilities, it is remarkably programmable, even to a fault. I tend to personify the heart and the mind as two separate entities, but they both lead back to the same cranial control center. It is that detail under which I find myself currently struggling.

I had a gut reflexive emotional response to something that my intellect acknowledges is not worth that level of response. I sadly confessed to my court reporter this morning that I think I’m wired wrong now, after my last relationship. Remember the days when your brain would see a problem, and then you’d have an emotional response (anger, fear, whatnot) corresponding to that perceived problem? Now, the emotional response is all over the board, all on its own, when my brain is saying, “It’s a different guy, a different situation, and there’s no problem like that here.” Maybe I’ve been wishing too hard for weight loss. Ha, ha. My court reporter said that after 2.5 years of conditioning for this kind of response on nearly a daily basis, I’m responding to the shadow of a possible threat, even if I know that the threat isn’t really there. It’s just that I’d seen the shadow so many times before in the past and it always led to the threat, and I’m so deeply scarred, and I’m so aware that I can’t go thru that kind of crap again, that I have instantaneous knee-jerk reactions to anything that has similar “key words” like triggers. (I wonder if psychologists/psychiatrists would recommend my listing these triggers to force them into physical form.)

My reporter says it takes time to retrain the mind and break prior years of associations, and the fact that I am psychoanalyzing my reactions and recognizing the disparity between reality and emotions is a good thing. It means I’m working on it. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared that what the “shadow” is would turn INTO a threat, it just means I shouldn’t be responding as if it were a threat NOW when the other person has already nipped something in the bud and I can’t even think of a better way for him to have handled this particular incident than the way he handled it. In addition to the fear, I’m also angry, but that anger is tied to the experiences in the past and not the experience now. It’s like being angry that someone had kicked a cat in the past, altho nobody kicked or is kicking my cat.

Every time I realize new ways that I’m scarred, I’m angry on top of the other feelings that come with having a scar stirred.

To end a sort of a crappy weekend, I had a crappy night’s sleep last night. I hadn’t been sleeping well, so I’d resort to vegging in front of the TV until it lulled me into sleep by controlling my thought patterns (or turning it off). Last nite, I laid there for awhile, uncomfortable, unable to sleep, thoughts reeling. I think I thought that I thought myself out of a knot, so feeling better (or so I thought), I got out of bed to watch some late-nite sit-coms. It did put me into a pretty comfortable sleep. Waking up around 3:30a.m., I teetered back into the bedroom to continue sleeping. That did not happen. I laid there, physically and mentally uncomfortable. Every time I would start to drift into unconsciousness, the pit of my stomach would lurch into what felt like the beginning of an anxiety attack. There was something in my mind that was scared to let me go to sleep, I was afraid of losing something. I thought of my cool sateen sheets in my bed at home, my cat sleeping on the floor next to my bed. Wishing I could beam myself there, I contemplated the etiquette of getting up in the wee hours of the morning to go home. This went on until 5a.m., when I burst out of bed, collected my crap, and walked out the door. Then thinking about Mr. W awakening to find that I’d disappeared, I went back into bedroom to tell him goodbye. He was still sleeping soundly. 3 grown people could’ve fit in between me and him on the bed all night, so he was oblivious to what I had gone and was going through. I kissed him on the cheek and said I was going home, and he sat up abruptly, looking really perturbed. I tried to get him to go back to sleep, saying it was early, the pillow is “that” (point) way, do I need to tuck him in? Finally, in a very cranky manner, he said, “Fine. Whatever. Goodbye,” and plopped back down. I drove home in the early morning darkness, trying to push away the sinking feeling in my chest and lower stomach cramps so painful I was afraid all the paramedics would find in my car would be blood and guts as my body turned itself inside-out.

Okay, I test drove the Lexus IS250. I didn’t feel that it had any more power with its 54 more horses than my current Accord. James had suggested that I don’t have power to pass cars on the freeway because I’m not stepping hard enough on my gas. He said the power comes after 85% of the pedal is pushed, and I’m supposed to feel a click or something. I’ve never felt a click. Well, after that disappointing test drive (the only thing that disappointed was the power not being that different; the car itself and the navigation system was very nice. Oh, and the interest rates that Lexus is offering, 7%-8% regardless of credit score, was disappointing also), I decided to experiment with my car. I pushed the gas pedal down on the freeway, and my car had a little burst of speed! Holy moly. I feel just a little bit lame.

I still want to test-drive the Infiniti. Just to see.

This is the official course info for the Disneyland Half-Marathon.

Course Map – drawn in the way that only Disney can
Course Description – so inspiring I wanna get out right now and train

CrAzY, isn’t it? Didja notice we get to run THRU Disneyland, California Adventure, AND Angel Stadium on the field rounding home plate?! Whoaaaa… I feel like I should bring my camera on the run with me.

Also, people can live-track a runner online and know exactly where he/she is on the track real-time! AND, you can set it up so that you get a text message or email every time your runner hits a marker. Technology these days, I tell ya…

I spent a lot of time this morning researching sporty luxury cars. I’m leaning heavily toward the Lexus IS 350 or 250, depending on whether the 100 extra horses feel worth the $5000 price difference during a future test drive. A close second, possibly also to be decided during a test drive, is the Infiniti G35 Coupe. It’s got less horsepower (-26) than the Lexus IS 350, but it’s also 500 lbs lighter, so it may not need as much torque to get going. It’s also $3000 less than the IS 350. But it’s $1500 more than the IS 250, and way less fuel efficient than both Lexuses.

Here’s what’s holding me back:
– can’t justify new car when my current car is running just fine
– haven’t had a car payment in 6 years and don’t really want to start again
– my cousin services my Honda and I don’t want to give up maintenance perks to switch to a non-Honda
– spending 35 Gs on a car means no investment real estate for me for awhile
– there’s no tax/financial benefit to spending dough on a car! I can’t write that sucker off.
– I feel sorry for my poor faithful car, which is in great condition presently

Here’s what’s pushing me toward it:
– my current car is 8 years old, and my parents are saying it’s about time I got something new
– I can spare the money; I’m not supporting anyone, mortgage pretty low, no debt (except the mortgage), not saving up for anything special/big
– I want a new toy

But 3-4 years of payment is a long commitment. =( And I don’t need a new car. Maybe I’ll go visit some dealerships and see if they make me a deal I can’t refuse.

I’m still glummy today cuz yesterday had so many piss-off elements in it. Mr. W, his daughter and I went to Downtown Disney to catch a movie, which wasn’t even that good. Anyway, when the daughter was in a crowd watching a flamenco dancer, Mr. W and I were at the movie ticket counter. He walked toward a movie ticket line, this one chick started walking up and cut me off and separated me and Mr. W. Mr. W stood in line and she stood next to him. Not in front of him with her group of friends, but right next to him, so that I couldn’t get over to him. I looked at her a second and saw that she stubbornly refused to move to let me through. So I walked in front of her to get to her other side. She deliberately stiffened up and stuck her elbow out so that we’d make contact. I didn’t say anything to her, just walked by and didn’t acknowledge her instigation, but then she said, “Excuse you!” I turned and looked icily at her. “Excuse you, for being in my way,” I retorted. She probably didn’t expect me to meet her square in the eyes, because she smiled a little bit but scoffed and said, “You didn’t even say ‘excuse me.'” Wait. You plant yourself in my way, separating me and my boyfriend, deliberately initiate physical contact, and I’m supposed to bend over to you? What do you want me to do , give you toll?! I said, “I didn’t think you’d just stop right there.” With the same weird little smile on her face, she shook her head and said, “Oh, don’t even play that. Don’t even play that.” I forgot what I returned with but Mr. W turned and put his arm protectively around me and pulled me against him. And then he “shhh”ed me! WTF!!! I was not in a mood to be playing with some stupid little girl who wanted to pick a fight, not that she was making any physical sign that she was going to throw the first punch or anything, but if she knew how to read people’s faces and body language, she did smart by not raising a hand. I would’ve made her very unpretty.

Argh! AAAAArgh! So apparently the State of California Department of Motor Vehicles is just handing driver’s licenses away to anyone now?! I almost got into 3 accidents today driving over to Mr. W’s that were not my fault! What happened to LOOKING before making a left turn? What happened to driving less than 50 mph in a residential area, and braking before turns? What happened to yielding? What happened to hitting your horn and having it actually respond with an audible noise?! That’s right. The insult to injury is trying to lay on my horn and the only sound created is the slapping of the heel of my hand on the steering wheel. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

Every time I turn on my radio to play an SWV CD, something would happen. And I’d turn it off to call someone and bitch (on voice mail, cuz they’re not picking up). And then I’d turn the CD back on. Within minutes, something would happen again! Finally I popped out the SWV CD and put in Wham!’s “Make it Big,” and it took THREE songs to calm me down. Three! Three WHAM! songs! How pissed was I!!

I went over to Mr. W’s yesterday because he offered to run 3 miles with me in the evening. It wasn’t as comfortable of a run, I felt a tension on my right hamstring that led up to the right side of my lower back. After the run, I just thought, “Uh-oh.”

I talked to Vicky this morning, and having run the Rock n Roll Marathon in San Diego a few months ago, she suggested I needed to run in a hat and shorts. Running in direct sunlight is a real issue to me, I usually run in the late evening to avoid sunlight. Disneyland’s half marathon starts at 6:30 a.m., and let’s just say I miraculously pick up and maintain for 14 miles my old pace of a 10-minute mile with straight running. It’d be just before 9 a.m. when I’m done, which, if present weather holds up, would be a billion degrees in direct sunlight. Glug. I don’t like running in a hat because sweat tends to collect at the brim and the trapped heat and steam bothers me. I don’t like running in shorts because they ride up. And I need new shoes and MP3 music before then to run in the “full outfit” a la dress rehearsal.

I’m trying to do damage control on a rumor situation at work. Tuesday morning, a coworker was taken to the hospital. Another coworker who was with the sick coworker that morning, who accompanied the coworker and the paramedics to the hospital, has been telling people that the sick coworker was “drunk” that morning. Since then, people have been talking about the sick coworker and her “drinking problem.” When I first heard this, I disputed the “drinking problem,” saying that I’ve hung out with her or had dinner with her before and she could barely finish a glass of wine. I also don’t know her to be drunk. Nevertheless, new allegations came out of the woodwork about how “people” (vague, I know) have “smelled” alcohol on her in the elevator or in interactions with her. I personally have never had this experience, and I work on the same floor with her, and I have for years. Another coworker hypothesized that the sick coworker’s current hallucinations and disorientation are due to her detoxing at the hospital from her drinking. I said I didn’t know people hallucinated when detoxing from alcohol.

The only first-hand information I got was from another coworker who actually spent the past few days in the hospital with sick coworker. Sick coworker seems normal in her speech, except that what she says doesn’t make sense in our reality. For example, she’d claim that this judge or the other is taking care of something right then for her, or that she gave some papers to another clerk, but all of that isn’t true and these people haven’t been in the hospital with her. She’d also pet her shoulder saying that her kitten is there, and point at the floor and express how cute her other kitten is, and of course the kittens aren’t at the hospital with her, either. Things like that. The hospital so far doesn’t have a diagnosis for her condition. She also suffered a seizure the first night she was in the hospital.

Because I live very close to her house, I took her keys and stopped by last nite after work to feed her kittens. I hung out with them for an hour, turned the TV on for some normalcy for them, and after an initial period of shyness, the kittens played, frolicked, chased each other, jumped on my lap, batted my purse strap, and they did eat. I cleaned and refilled the litter box, went thru her fridge and threw out anything that seemed about to rot, such as a leftover salad and some greens. I went through all her cabinets looking for the trash can, trash bags, food for the kitties, etc. The only alcohol in her house is a half-finished glass bottle of wine cooler in her fridge. In her sink, she had some cereal bowls and glasses, but not wine glasses, they were water glasses that may have held milk. In her fridge was skim milk, orange juice, diet Coke, and water. On her TV coffee table was a half-drunk plastic bottle of still water and a smaller bottle of flavored seltzer water. All her wine glasses were put away in her cabinets, seemingly untouched. I’ve never seen a house this dry. My own house has a mini bar/wine rack table that’s holding 12 bottles of wine on the rack, with open bottles of tequila, Bailey’s, whiskey, cognac and sherry sitting on top, plus a bottle of white chilling in the fridge, and heck, I’M not a drinker. So knowing how little I drink and how much variety is in my house — I just remembered I also have at least 15 miniature assorted bottles of alcohol that my flight attendant cousin gave me from her plane — I can imagine what people, if they think sick coworker is a drunk (when she apparently can’t even finish a bottle of wine cooler and has to refrigerate the leftover portion), would think about me if they chanced upon my house as I fell into a strange ailment.

As for drugs, the only drug I saw there was a bottle of potassium vitamin supplements. And yes, I looked in her trash. I had to as I was throwing out stuff and cleaning the litter box. No empty alcohol containers. Some paper and cat food cans.

Maybe this post will reach the coworkers I can’t speak to in person.