cindy's world

It’s been a rough day. I’ll start chronologically, as the second part I think deserves its own post.

This morning, when Allie was napping, I opened my emails as usual, and what I read there put me in a total state of shock. I was stunned and a half-eaten apple stayed on the computer table for half a day as a bookmark in time to show when everything froze for me.

Nanny Susanne and I had been corresponding via email and sometimes via text through the month as she was working for the other family on a temporary, “emergency” basis. We made plans. I wrote her to tell her about Allie’s first tooth. She wrote back tips and encouragement, gave a lot of comfort. I said I can’t wait for her to come onboard in April. She said she’s excited to work for us and will be here every day from April on, smiley-face. We agreed for her to come over on Sunday, to hang out, get to know our house and the environment, we were taking her to lunch and to the lake. We were going to go shopping with Allie to a nearby mall she’d never been to (she loves shopping). And then:

Hi Cindy,
I hope everything is going well and you guys are good. Well over here everything is going well too. Remember I told you that I was working this month for someone else, it appeared that they also would like me to stay on a long term basis. I gave it some consideration and measured the two options that I have and I would really like to stay with the ones I am working for right now. This was not an easy choice but after weighting both sides I really prefer it that way. I hope you still have the chance to find someone else… I know you interviewed others too, maybe one of them could take my place… Sorry for the inconvenience.

Hope everything will work out

Are you KIDDING me? Despite being stunned, I wrote back:

Hi Susanne,

Wow. Okay. I interviewed one other person but like I told you, we preferred you over her by quite a margin. Since I thought we had an agreement, I stopped interviewing and have trusted that everything will be okay because we trusted you and thought you would be the perfect fit for us. I have been very at peace ever since you told me you agree to be Allie’s nanny. I’ve even extended my maternity leave so that I can accommodate the other family you are with, because that was how much I wanted you to work out with us. I am no longer a member of that website, because I didn’t think I’d need it anymore. Right now, with only a couple of weeks between now and the time I have to return to work, I’m left with very rushed and few options.

Thank you for your help over email the past few weeks, I’ve appreciated your feedback. If anything changes with that family, please let me know ASAP. We would still love to have the original arrangement in place. I really, really wish it could’ve worked out.

She’s been online since then, as I’ve seen her “active” on chat, but she didn’t write back. I don’t know what she could say. She KNOWS she’s screwing us because she knows I have 2 weeks until I have to return to work; and she’d called to tell me she was taking our offer, and yet emails to tell me she was backing out. She didn’t want to face me. I never saw this coming; she was beyond ethical, or so I thought. I don’t know how she could in good conscience accept another job when she has already committed to us. She wasn’t available to take that other job. I was being nice in saying it was okay for her to help this family out, even tho she was supposed to be with us part-time this month already. I was being nice to extend my maternity leave a week so that she could stay on the full month with them and then have a week to acclimate to us. And what the other family ended up doing with my being accommodating was steal our nanny. I get the sense, and Rebecca said the same thing, that they offered her more money. Mr. W considers this a “career choice” of hers; stay with someone familiar and get possibly more money, or do something new with strangers. He obviously doesn’t take it personally. But I am so stunned, and hurt, and bewildered. I feel betrayed. She and I had a friendship beginning, I thought. I could not imagine doing this to someone, and I would feel good about myself at turning down something that seems tempting, to maintain my own integrity. When I say I will do something for someone, I take my own word very seriously, often more seriously than the person I’d made the promise to.

The nanny search has to begin again. I’d let my membership on the nanny site expire, thinking we had someone, and it’ll be another $100 to sign up again. I called Nanny Fernanda, the other girl we’d interviewed, just to see if she’s available. It went to voice mail and I didn’t leave a message. She had disappeared from the nanny site shortly after I’d told her we were going with someone else, so she may have picked up a nanny job and is working. I also called a local-ish older woman we had planned to interview, but canceled the interview after Susanne agreed to be our nanny. The line was always busy. So it seems those avenues are deliberately closed to me. I’m so burnt-out. Ironically, that was something I’d written to Susanne a week ago and she’d responded for me not to stress because Allie will pick up on it, and that she will be here to help me soon, in April, and every day after that, smiley-face.

I know everything happens for a reason. I have faith that the “right” nanny we’re “supposed to” have is out there somewhere, her situation arranging itself so that she could be available to us soon. Rebecca said that the same source of abundance from God that provides us with what we need still continues to provide for us, through different avenues, so if Susanne is no longer a viable avenue, another one will come. Susanne may have exercised free will to back out, but God won’t let something go away on us without providing us another way, she says. All my friends say it’s a good thing this happened now, as I have 2 weeks to find someone else; it would be more disastrous if Susanne took another job for more money or other reasons a few weeks into working with us, and Allie’s now attached to her, and I’m back at work.

That’s what my head agrees with. Emotionally, I’m messed up. When I went to get Allie after her morning nap, I took one look at her beautiful trusting little face, and thought, “How could anyone not want to be here with you?” and started crying. I KNOW it’s not about HER, of all things. But I feel like SHE was abandoned, too. Mr. W took the afternoon off and met us at the fertility doctor’s office at lunchtime, then we went to True Food Kitchen for a late lunch. I’m glad I have such a present husband.

I feel very pensive right now. Flip Flop Girl asked me on the phone before what it was exactly that I’m scared about when I feel like this. I couldn’t really come up with anything, because logic tells me that Allie is fine. But I’m terrified again! Is it because I’m feeling lost in unfamiliar territory again? I just get comfortable thinking I’ve “learned” her, and she flips the game. In fact, parents of young kids tell me that IS the game; I’m perpetually playing catch-up cuz they change so fast. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. But I’m not. I’m VERY uncomfortable with the lost feeling. I hate it. And Allie seems ahead of her time in growth and development, flying thru changes at light speed. I don’t know anyone else’s baby that started teething before 4 months. Whilst wearing 6-month clothes.

A huge thing on the horizon also worrying me is that hubby wants to take a vacation in early May. I have the same week off. He wants to roadtrip either to NorCal to see my friends and their new babies or maybe to Vegas so Allie can see his family. Allie has been doing better in carseats, not fussing automatically upon seating like she used to, but she still wants to get out after awhile, and unlike other babies I’d heard about, doesn’t automatically fall sleep once the car moves. I worry about her ability to sleep and nap when we’re away from home in a strange environment. I worry about her crying bothering hotel patrons if she can’t sleep through the strangeness. I worry about her missing naps like crazy, crashing, being very cranky from overtiredness and overstimulation. I worry about being unable to reacclimate her to her routine once we return home so that she continues being an overtired baby, and now one who is unable to sleep in her own room anymore, either. My cousin Jennifer recommended that I start “training” her to be able to sleep in different areas of our house. I’ve tried soothing her elsewhere, but she doesn’t go down. She used to be able to sleep in the playard and on the couch in the living room (supervised), but that went out the window after she got sick and I napped her exclusively in her crib for the elevated mattress and humidifer, and I haven’t been able to sleep her elsewhere since.

People tell me I’m not gonna mess my baby up by taking her on vacation or having her off-routine once in awhile. Logically, I believe them, but emotionally, I don’t. The only source of comfort is that the sleep book says if the baby is getting sufficient rest 90%+ of the time, and I’m respecting her drowsy cues and her need to sleep as much as I can, she will recover quickly from an occasional exception. It’s the babies who aren’t allowed to rest habitually, are always taken out and have very irregular lifestyles, are chronically overtired — it’s those babies who recover much slower after a disruption like a vacation.

Maybe it’s time to check with Rebecca for reassurance.

Of course, anytime I say anything like “This is what Allie does,” she changes it to make me eat my words. It’s like Idlehouse said in a comment before…the sooner she says “Oh, I get it now!” re the habits of her baby, the sooner she gets screwed.

So here’s the latest change: Allie has her drowsy signs at the same time increments, about 1 hour 15 mins after she’s been awake. I take her to her room to start soothing, and instead of tucking in and settling down, she pops up on my shoulder and looks at everything around the room with wide-eyed interest. The stuffed animals gifted to her from friends, sitting on her dresser, the elephant mobile hanging off the ceiling from Dardy, the ceiling fan over her head, the crib next to her. Staring, staring, turning her head, yawning, babbling, rubbing her face in my shoulder, then popping back up, pushing away from me to sit up and look around, eyelids red from sleepiness and rubbing but forced wide open. It took me half an hour to get her down just now.

She’s now got much better motor control, so that when she reaches toward something she wants, her hands are open, with fingers ready to close around the object of interest (to pull to her mouth). Earlier when I was holding her while preparing breakfast for myself, I didn’t have enough hands to bring some stuff back to the fridge, so I handed her the bag of muffins and she held it for me as we walked to the fridge and I opened the door, then took it from her and put it away. I’m sure this makes her look at things with new interest. “Hey, I can TAKE those! I can TASTE them! What’s that? I wanna taste THAT, too!”

I guess I’ll take this time to re-read the references on 4-month-olds to pick up tips on how to put the newly-aware baby down.

Allie popped up after 30 minutes from her 2nd nap. 30 mins isn’t nearly enough, and I know she’ll be yawning and tired and cranky. I decided to give her 5 mins to see if she’ll fall back to sleep as she seemed to be attempting the self-soothing every so often by sucking her thumb, but she was popping up and crying so hard I figured I’d have to get her at the end of the 5th minute. It was a hard 5 mins as she cried and yelled. As I was about to get up at the end of the 5th minute, beginning of the 6th, she got quiet. I waited and watched the monitor. She was sucking her thumb…and then she went back to sleep.

Have I been robbing her of longer naps before when I went and got her at the peak of her crying and yelling and just dealt with her yawning in my arms? Do other mothers know this, and I’ve just been too quick to respond due to my ignorance? Or have I accidentally let her cry it out thru a nap?

Karen took a bunch of photos with her iPhone during her visit this afternoon, and sent them to me earlier. This one shocked me.

This text convo ensued…
Karen: Is there any I can post?
Me: Dude…she looks huge on me. Aww, I like that! Too bad [Mr. W] put the burp cloth on me. Post any of them.
Karen: She IS huge. And you are slim. I think the burp cloth adds street cred.
Me: I rarely get to see myself with her, since [Mr. W] doesn’t take photos, so it’s a nice treat that u got some of me. So she can’t say all evidence points to that I spent no time with her when she was a baby.
Karen: I just wonder if you need to pre-approve as most people require.
Me: I’m good, I trust u won’t post any if my boob’s hanging out or anything.

Here’s one I took with my (Android) phone after Karen left, another in the series of Daddy-Baby pix:

She didn’t hate tummy time on Daddy.

Quick updates:

* Today, hubby has taken 90% of baby duty so that I could do the ton of stuff I need to: baby laundry for new 6 months clothes we’d just bought (she’s growing SO fast!), make turkey chili, pump, clean all the parts and stuff, socialize with my childhood friend Karen who came to visit Dodo and Allie.
* The 90% includes napping her. It’s a huuuuge relief that she’s cooperative with his napping her. She now expects to nap when she’s tired, and will curl up into her sleepy position on me and/or hubby upon entry into her bedroom, and as soon as she’s asleep (after rocking her a little while walking around), accepts the transfer into her crib even tho she still wakes a little during the transfer.
* Hubby has bonded with his new iPad3. He was up until something like 2am bonding with her. (Of course she’s not an “it” to Apple-lovers.) He is trying to make me bond with his jailbroken iPad1 by registering me for DrawSomething and playing with me for a few games. I took to that game pretty quickly, altho I’m still unsure about the iPad as a whole. Nevertheless, because I’m now involved with DrawSomething with 2 other people, I am holding hands with the iPad1 more often than I ever have, which I’m sure is his ploy. I’d be more resentful if I weren’t too busy drawing “Tupac” and “Luke” and “Beckham.” (Hubby failed to guess “Beckham” because even tho he knew who I meant, he couldn’t remember the guy’s name. I even drew Victoria next to him.)
* Allie has been back to sleeping thru the night, going down around 7:30p and waking around 7a, which means Dodo’s back to yowling through the day and night. The two must have some agreement to tag team me. I hope his meds arrive soon and that they help.
* It’s been raining like crazy yesterday, but sunny today in between light showers. I’m disappointed and hoping for more rain so that the kids won’t come out and play in front of our house. It’s been nice having the street quiet enough for Allie to nap as needed.

Right now Allie’s taking her 3rd nap du jour (her naps have been short today, but I’ve still gotten plenty of breaks because of the 90% baby duty described above), Mr. W is laughing his head off watching “The Big Bang Theory” on TV thru his AppleTV streaming thru his iPad3 or something like that, and I’ve got my turkey chili simmering on the stove. It’s been a pretty good Sunday.

Holy shizz, look what just popped out today!

Yesterday it was just a pale white spot on her gums. Just now, I looked in her mouth when she was laughing, and the whiteness looked more like a line. I stuck my finger on it, and felt hard ridges, like the serration of a tiny enamel saw! I can’t believe she’s one week from her 4 month birthday and she’s already cut her first tooth. What’s your hurry, baby girl?

You know what? Considering she was actually TEETHING, she has been a remarkably good baby! This also explains the drooling, the fussiness, the average of 1 hour less sleep a day she’s had over the last week. I figured it was daylight savings that stole her hour. Well, it may have still been that.

Mr. W came home early today because he was anticipating the delivery of his new iPad3. Now he’s so excited about Allie’s tooth that he’s laughing and dancing around the room with her. “You’re such a big girl! There’s my big girl! The day the iPad3 is released, March 16th, I won’t forget this date!”

Allie slept clear through the night, and Dodo was pretty great, too. He yowled for the first time in days when Allie was doing her 22 minutes of screaming. Poor guy; I think she gave him a bigger headache than he already has. So since the stepdaughter is on a 2-week trip with her college’s performing choir, and Dodo was good, and Allie was good, oh no, whatever will keep Cindy up? The answer was unexpected: the smoke detector alarm in our bedroom started a caustic loud chirp every 2 minutes at 5:30am. It must be low on battery. I feared it would chirp every 2 minutes until we replaced the battery, keeping me from sleeping and keeping the baby from sleeping. Mr. W had to get up, go to the garage, get a giant ladder, and remove the unit from our high bedroom ceiling.

I pumped while he got ready and ate breakfast downstairs. When I went down to store the milk, I wanted to make sure we were okay, as he was irritated at me about my wanting him to do something immediately about the chirping. He thinks I have too much control but am not realizing it. I feel I don’t have enough control because the baby still isn’t napping to her little heart’s content without being woken up by external noise. I’m hoping the noise sensitivity is just a phase so that I can stop going crazy when the neighbors and their kids are yelling and banging stuff outside. I’m not trying to control things cuz I’m on a power trip; I truly want what’s best for my baby, and I see her when she’s woken up prematurely from a nap. She’s tired, cranky, rubbing her eyes, yawning. Plus, I don’t get much of a break if she only sleeps half an hour every 3 hours. How would I eat/wash pump parts/do chores/pay bills/relax? Mr. W says that she’s getting more than sufficient sleep; she wouldn’t be all smiley when we’re out, charming strangers left and right, if she were sleep-deprived. She’d be wailing 5 hours like she did the first couple of months before I figured out that I ought to nap her regularly. That was a new thought to me. I’d read that a baby Allie’s age needs 15 hours of sleep a day; 10-11 overnight, 5-6 in the day divided into 3 naps. She gets close to 11 hours overnight (waking for brief feedings and going back to sleep doesn’t count against these 10-11 hrs), but her naps are nowhere near 5-6 hours. She’s lucky if she gets over an hour in more than 1 nap a day. I’m ecstatic when she hits 1.5 hours twice in her 3 naps, altho occasionally she’d get 2, 2.5 hours in a nap, too. What she has more of are 45-minute naps, and I am seriously bummed if she has a 30-minute one, which isn’t that uncommon, either. She’s still yawning after those. Multiple references on sleep have said that at this age, under an hour doesn’t count because it’s not restorative. Depending on the kid, 45 minutes is a “maybe.” That’s why my anxieties run crazy high before she’s reached and crossed the 30-minute vulnerable-to-waking point.

Now that it’s spring weather, 6-7 screaming elementary school-age children have decided to hang out together in our cul de sac, gathering at 3pm or so. If I can get 2 good naps in by then, I’m less anxious. But it’s a loooong stretch from then until her bedtime if she doesn’t get the afternoon nap, and being wired from being up too long is NOT good for bedtime.

I still feel desperately, desperately in need of a break. The baby needs a pause button. And a sleep button. Mr. W told me to schedule a massage and/or a pedicure for myself over the weekend and he’ll just bottlefeed the baby, but I have a problem leaving her that long because I’m afraid she wouldn’t nap for him, would get fussy, and irritate him. He said he had both his kids from when they were very very young for entire weekends completely on his own and they survived. I had thought she couldn’t get used to him and would need me to nap her, because he’d said before that I had her in a specific falling asleep method that he couldn’t replicate so that she wouldn’t go to sleep on him. This morning he said babies can get used to different people and different methods if we expose her to these differences. Oh. I hope he’s right.

She woke up earlier than usual at 7:15a this morning, but didn’t cry or call, as usual. I heard her talking to herself. I went in and she acted like she was still happy to see me. I hope I don’t have to repeat the crying out again tonight, but last night probably wasn’t the last time we’d be doing it. Since she got up early, which I encouraged to get her on daylight savings time, she is taking her first nap early. It’s been 31 minutes so far. *crossing fingers*

Dear Allie,

Forgive me for letting you cry it out for the first time tonight. When you woke up during the transfer from the bedtime feeding to your crib, I knew there was no easy drift back to sleep for you. You were too wide-eyed, and I knew what was coming based on what had come in the past couple of weeks when you looked like that. I am so worn today, I noticed my movements were sluggish and going up the stairs made me out of breath. I couldn’t do it, my body was shutting down. When I realized you were screaming and not actually crying, when I realized you are not in pain, you are not hungry, you are not unclean, and you are safe and healthy, I knew you were screaming and thrashing in protest. I stayed with you a few minutes and when it didn’t die down, I decided I would watch you from the monitor downstairs. Mommy didn’t leave you; mommy kept her heart in your crib and her eyes on your image. You thrashed in between small attempts to soothe yourself with your thumb, just like you did when I held you last night during your screaming fit. It was the same tantrum, only this time, less tears, more yelling. I realized also that your fit is following the same pattern — kick and thrash and scream, suckle a second, kick and thrash and scream, suckle a second. You can soothe yourself, you know how to do it, you are choosing not to and are choosing to protest. It took about 30 minutes between the end of your feeding and the time you fell asleep as I held you during your tantrum last night; tonight in your crib, following the same protest patterns as the self-soothing increments became longer and the screaming increments became shorter, the total duration of your tantrum was 22 minutes. It was a revelation to realize that you would be doing the same thing for the same duration whether I held you or not.
I never thought I would be sitting here, watching you scream and kick, and be doing nothing. I thought if I did everything I could to make sure you got enough rest, got you used to napping and used to sleeping, that you would just easily transition into sleep, every day, every night, every nap. People told me differently, books told me differently. Someone said babies often stop sleeping through the night at your age. I hoped that would not be you. I really did everything in my power. Everything. You don’t know how close I came to walking outside today and telling the neighbors to stop yelling at their kids to get in the car, telling the neighborhood kids to play more quietly, telling them to get their stupid dog to stop barking. I have a sleeping baby who’s noise sensitive, can’t the neighborhood just shut up and let my baby nap?
Daddy thinks you’re teething. I pointed out how the front of your lower gums look wider and paler in two spots where your lower front teeth would be. He said yup, you’re teething. It’ll be awhile before the tooth comes out, but they’re working on it. Given that, along with your major developmental breakthroughs, of course you have your opinion. You don’t want to go in the crib. You’re tired but you want to fight me. You’re aware. You’re cognitive. You have a will. You now realize you can exercise your will, loudly.
I like it when you laugh loudly. I enjoyed it when you walked, with my assistance, to the wicker storage cube today and touched it on your own, testing the texture, learning how your nails scratching on it makes a sound. You studied it, you felt it with both hands, fingertips scratching and rubbing. You’re getting smarter by the day. I’m so proud of you for that, and wish growing pains were easier on you, and wish that you’d know enough to trust me when I put you to bed.
There’ll be many more battles to come, but for now, while I watch you soundly sleep on your bear, with the usual widespread arms, legs pulled up like little frog legs, I’m simultaneously sorry I had to let you cry for 22 minutes to get there, scared I may have to do it again, and relieved that I may be helping you in a tough love sort of way that would hopefully make the overall process shorter. I don’t know whether I’m the worst mother in the world for those 22 minutes, or I should be celebrating the success that you’re sleeping on your own without being lulled into it by a parent.
They say once the average baby reaches 4-6 months, real sleep training can begin, and the cry-it-out is the fastest method. I know you’re not 4 months until the 23rd of this month, but I hope you forgive me when you’re well-rested.

Mommy loves you, that’s why.

The gardeners came yesterday while I was breastfeeding Allie, so that’s good; they didn’t wake her up. The cleaning people came late at 3:15p, and I’d just put her down for a nap at 3p. When I opened the door, they must’ve seen something in my face when I told them I’d just put the baby down 15 mins ago and I didn’t know what to do, because they said simply that they’d come back in an hour and 20 minutes. I gratefully closed the door. Allie ended up taking that nap all the way until they came back at 5p, and I went in and opened the door and she woke up in a great mood. Mr. W was home by then, so we went to pick up the prescription low-protein cat food from the vet, had some Italian at the restaurant next door to the vet, then went to the local drugstore to buy some diapers. Allie was very well-behaved in public, altho she started crying in the car on the way back, struggling against the carseat. I put her to bed with no problem as she was very tired and ready to go down at about 7:30p when we started her bedtime feeding. Dodo took to the new food seemingly also without a problem, and was a perfect gentleman all night.

Allie, however, decided to have 2 middle-of-the-night feedings for the 2nd night in a row. The first one was very early, 10:30p. The next one was also very early, albeit in the morning, 4:50a. I comforted myself saying it was 3:50a to her. One of my now biggest fears regarding her nights happened at her 10:30p feeding. Altho she was falling asleep eating and did fall asleep after on the Boppy, and I let her sleep for a minute or so in hopes she’d be really tired when I moved her back to her crib, the moment she hit the crib she was wide awake and upset. I walked out when I heard her suckle her fingers in a self-soothe attempt. As soon as I entered the bedroom, she was all-out wailing and flailing. I went back in, trying to get her thumb back in her mouth. Nope. Patted her comfortingly. Nope. I had to pick her up as she screamed and cried and struggled against me. I patiently held her and walked her a little bit in her room, the way I put her to nap. She tried to get into the sleepy position and suck her thumb, but seconds later she’d pull her thumb out, stiffen up against me pulling away from my body, thrash her legs, and scream and cry again. This happened over and over. I considered maybe she had her nose stuffed from the crying and couldn’t breathe well with her thumb in her mouth, but then she started settling for multiple seconds at a time so that I could hear breath come in and out, so I knew she was fine. After 15-20 minutes of this, Mr. W poked in and asked if I wanted him to bring the swing upstairs into her room. I shook my head vehemently, still trying to keep things very calm, quiet, dark, and as commotion-less as possible so she doesn’t get used to hyper-interaction in the middle of the night. Mr. W couldn’t see me in the dark and assumed I didn’t answer, so he went downstairs and lugged the big electric swing up. I whisper-hissed at him, as he came in the room, “No, no no! Too much commotion!” I think I offended him as he went back out. She finally settled into the sleepy position, sucked her thumb, and fell asleep on me. When I put her in her crib, she sighed and moved, curling onto her side putting her thumb back in her mouth, and as I snuck out, I heard her suckle. By the time I was back in our bedroom apologizing to Mr. W, she was asleep. Looking back at the app where I’d recorded her feeding and her sleeping, the time between the end of her feed and the beginning of her sleep was about 30 minutes, but it felt like hours of screaming, struggling, sweating.

I was still exhausted by the time she cried again at 4:50a. Mr. W was already up, having gotten ready downstairs for the gym to allow me some time to sleep, but the cat was also up and moving around, meowing here and there (not yowling), and could be convinced to come to me to be petted and quieted. I was watching the baby flail around on the monitor and then yup, she started crying. I went to her room as Mr. W was getting ready to leave and I started feeding her, terrified that she’d refuse to go back to sleep like earlier. When I heard the garage door open then close, I suddenly felt very, very alone in the dark with the baby who now felt more like something I feared than something I confidently nurtured. Please, please, please, go right back to sleep afterwards, I prayed in my head. I was terrified, and so, so worn.
She went back to bed in her crib without much protest beyond the initial whimpering.

I went back to bed, also, and did not sleep well. I continue to have what feels like auditory hallucinations of the baby crying as my brain drifts thru the gap between wake and sleep. I would wake up with my heart pounding, reach for the phone to do a camera check while praying that I’m having an auditory hallucation. Most of the time this morning, I was. She slept well and I again had to debate whether I ought to start moving her wake time incrementally earlier. I finally gave up trying to sleep and I got up to get myself ready for the day, and went in her room at 7:50a, 10 mins earlier than yesterday. She was wide-eyed, so I don’t know if I woke her by opening the door, or if she was already awake. She smiled sweetly at me with her gummy mouth open. I did my usual, “Good MORning, sweetheart!” as I opened her blinds, and we started our day.

Things always seem less desperate in daylight, but I am hanging on day-by-day, very very close to total burnout. I feel a slight nausea, I feel very close to tears. I find myself spacing in the middle of playing with Allie, or in the middle of feeding her. It’s hard to plan ahead, and I don’t know what to do a lot of the time, but I still try. Yesterday, as her nap reached the point of her next feeding and she was still asleep, I started pumping with the handpump. I was so stressed I got no more than drops out of the side that normally produces a lot, and I switched sides and had just gotten out 2 ounces when she woke up. I had to stop mid-pumping, get her, prepare and bottle-feed her, then I tried to finish pumping while she was in the walker/activity center. Got nothing out of the other side still. I gave up and put that bottle in the fridge, washing the pump parts with her cooperation upstairs as she hung out in the Boppy and watched me a few minutes. The day before, I pumped while she was playing in her high chair and she lost patience just minutes in and started wailing. But I have to pump to replace the feeding I’m giving her by bottle in order to keep my supply up; and I have to feed her a bottle a day to keep her bottle-trained. It’s just hard on my own. I don’t know how people do it with multiple young kids.

Mr. W has been eager for us to go to the fertility clinic and sign the release papers so that they can stop storing our remaining 3 embryos. It costs $50/month for the storage, and if we choose to not pay it anymore, we can tell them whether to discard, donate, or use the embryos for research. The fertility doctor we’d worked the most with wanted to meet Allie, and I found out he’s in next Wednesday, so I guess I’ll take Allie down there and see what our options about the embryos are. I think it’d be nice if a mixed-race couple trying to conceive could use our “A” quality embryo(s), but I’m not sure if it works that way. Plus, I don’t want some kid in the future to have some identity crisis knowing genetic mom and dad are out there somewhere. I believe the soul that comes thru is just borrowing the vehicle of a body to do what it needs to in this lifetime, so the soul that goes to the parents was meant to be there with those parents, regardless of what the genetic makeup of the soul’s body is. But that doesn’t change the fact that a donated embryo situation could still cause a very normal human reaction of wanting to know where he/she came from in terms of genetics. Plus, I’d wonder about Allie’s full genetic brother or sister out there. I think I’m now undecided what to do. Which is why I need to talk to the doctor. Maybe donating the entire embryo to a couple isn’t even an option.

I’m just rambling now because I’m scared to let this connection go. This blog post. This cyber-touching of the outside, to other living adults, even though you guys don’t touch back at the same time I reach out.

I can’t wait until Susanne becomes available. I don’t think being a stay-at-home mom is an option for me mentally at this point, even tho that’s still the preferred situation in Mr. W’s opinion. Work is going thru major layoffs and moving people around, so it may be barely recognizable when I get back there. I think I’m losing my reporter, as the County is eliminating all court reporters from Civil trial courtrooms. 🙁 My reporter Louise has been a big sister to me for the last 10+ years, full of encouragement, level-headedness, advice, empathy, and education on life/nutrition/exercise. It doesn’t mean she’ll vanish from my life, but it sure makes returning to work less something to look forward to. Rebecca had said last November that work isn’t going to lay me off, but I’ll be working maybe 2-3 courtrooms. I’d thought that was rather impossible at the time; how can one judge’s clerk work for multiple judges in fully-functioning courtrooms? It’d be impossible. But after receiving a budget memo from the courts, and after hearing from coworkers what the budget meetings have been, it looks like that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Never would’ve expected that, even with Rebecca saying such.