cindy's world

me: dream [Mr. W] strikes again!
waaah!!
he’s NOT dreamy!
he’s an ASS!
Mr. W: Premenition?
me: uh-oh…
me: maybe I should beat you up now so I don’t have to do it later if the dreams ARE premonitions.
Mr. W: Bring it on 🙂
me: ooOOOOhhh!
interesting…
now I’m excited.
Mr. W: me tooo

‘Tis a sick, stormy, violent love story we write…
Perfect for a chilled winter’s night.

Saturday was my old bailiff’s wedding. He and his new bride are so cute together, as they have always been. They were grinning from ear to ear and glowed all over the place. Neither looked stressed, there were no tears, and they seemed to genuinely enjoy their evening.

At the wedding reception, the MC pointed out the beautiful designer floral centerpieces over each table, and asked who would like a centerpiece to take home. A lot of people enthusiastically raised their hands. The MC said the way to resolve this, is to play a little game.
“First, we need one person from each table to donate a dollar.” Nobody was moving at our table, so I asked Mr. W to take out a dollar from the cash he was holding for me for the night. “Okay, now everybody who’s donating the dollar, stand up.” I stood, very uncomfortably. I’ve learned to not trust wedding games. “There’s just a little something you have to do,” he continued. “When the music starts, pass the dollar bill to your right. And the person who gets it needs to keep passing it to the right until the music stops.” The music started and the dollar bill went ’round and ’round. And stopped with the man sitting on my right, who is a bailiff in the building here with his girlfriend.
“Now, everyone who is left holding the dollar bill, stand up,” the MC said. The bailiff stood, also uncomfortably. “There’s just a little something you have to do,” the MC stated. “Turn to the person on your left, and get very, very close.” The dollar bill was dropped in front of me as the bailiff said, “Uh…YOU better do this one, Cindy.” Mr. W is the person to my left, so I took over the duty, which was a good thing, cuz the MC continued, “Now look that person to your left straight in the eyes, and I don’t care who it is, you tell him or her, ‘I LOVE YOU.’ ” I stared Mr. W in the eyeballs and said indignantly, “I LOVE YOU.” Thinking this is over, the dollar-holders were delighted they won the centerpiece. But no.
“The music is going to play again, and this time, I want you to pass the dollar bill to your LEFT.” ‘Round and ’round the bill went again, and this time, it stopped at Mr. W. He was told to stand up, and get very, very close to the person on HIS left, who happens to be my judge. Uh-oh. “Now, the person standing up, there’s just one little thing you have to do. Lean down to the person on your left, and I don’t care who it is, whether it’s a man or a woman, a stranger or a friend, but you KISS that person on the cheek! Go! Right now!” Mr. W looked around the table and commanded, “NOBODY TAKE ANY CAMERAS OUT.” And he leaned down, and kissed my judge’s upturned waiting cheek. That was one of the more bizarre moments in, uh, everyone’s life, I’d think. Everyone shrieked in delight and some mixed horror.
But it still wasn’t over. “Pass the bill to the LEFT again!” the MC said in ominous pleasure as the music blasted. He let it go extra long this time, and it stopped with my judge. “The people holding the bill? YOU…are the WINNERS!” the MC announced. Cheers went up around the room. “But there’s just one little thing you have to do,” the MC said in a voice of dread, and everyone laughed. “Pull your chair out a little bit, away from the table. Good. Now, winners, stand up on the chairs.” My judge gingerly, after his few glasses of wine, got up on the chair, along with everyone else who are also apparently the “winners.” “Turn around, and turn your backs to each of your tables.” What was the MC having them do? Guests looked around at the chair-standing people curiously. “Now, lean forward slightly, with your backs still to your tables. That’s it. Good. Now, shake your tooshies back and forth and say, ‘Nyanny nyanny nyah nyah!’ ” Everyone laughed as my dark-suited judge, along with everyone else on chairs, did the ha-ha dance at us “losers” for being the “winners”. “Congratulations! You people on the chairs have won…the DOLLAR BILL!” the MC yelled and everyone on the chairs froze as the seated crowd laughed and jeered. “The REAL winners of the centerpieces are the doofuses who DONATED the dollar!”
Why, that’d be li’l ol’ me!
“THAT’S NOT FAIR! I had to KISS THE JUDGE! I should get this!” Mr. W wailed.
“I had to get up on a chair and shake my rear and SHE takes away the prize!” my judge wailed. “Where’s the JUSTICE?”
I didn’t know what they were complaining about. Seemed just to me. I took the beautiful centerpiece home and gave it to my mother the next day.

Kristine (you know her on my blog as commenter ‘k’) and I were IMing earlier, and she asked what I ended up doing last nite, whether I ended up seeing Mr. W. I told her that no, I hung out with my buddy Dwaine (see post below) and that Mr. W did not return my call yesterday. She said, “I hope you aren’t fighting!” I told her that no, with Mr. W, if I send him an IM or email or voicemail without an actual posed question, he doesn’t see a need to respond. Like if I were gone for a week and I see him online when I return and I IM him with “I’m back at work!”, I’d never get a response. Then if I called him about it, it’d go something like this:
Me: Did you see my IM?
Him: Yeah, you’re back at work.
Me: How come you didn’t respond?
Him: I didn’t see a question, what was I supposed to respond?
Whereas the rest of us non-socially-challenged people would’ve written back, “I see! How was the trip? How is it back at work? Is it busy?” etc.

Kristine laughed and agreed, saying that’s how her male buddies respond, too…or rather, don’t respond. And all we’re asking for is an acknowledgement of some kind, like “Welcome back!” or something, anything. And then I said, “Watch, I’m gonna do an experiment right now. I’m gonna IM Mr. W with some random statement that doesn’t have a question posed.”

And then I opened up a dialogue window with Mr. W and typed him, “It’s cold in here.”

I told Kristine what I did and IMed her:
me: A concerned boyfriend would ask if I want to borrow a jacket or something. Or if I know how to adjust the thermostat.
dum de dum…nothing.
on the other hand, I’m gonna send Vanessa “It’s cold in here.”

I did so, and within seconds, here’s how Vanessa’s dialogue box looked:
me: It’s cold in here.
Vanessa: I think the air is on high everywhere because of the smoke
But courts are normally cold

I told Kristine about this, and she said, “Haha, see? Vanessa is normal! Or at least considerate!”

I told Vanessa what I was doing, and she said:
Vanessa: Interesting!
I am going to type Jay it
Hold on one sec
NOTHING!
WTH?
me: HAHAHAHAHA
see, it’s a GUY thing!
Vanessa: He was just writing “How’s ur day going?”
And I wrote
It’s cold in here
And then nothing
from him
me: HAHAHA
Vanessa: 🙁
I can hear crickets in that conversation
me: we EACH have an IM window open w/our boyfriends which say:
‘me: It’s cold in here.
Sent at 10:20 AM on Friday’
and then NOTHING

We talked about other stuff for a couple of minutes. And then:
Vanessa: He seriously has not said anything!
I am shocked
We were having a conversation back and forth and now nothing

I gave the results of our 2nd lab rat (Jay) to Kristine, and Kristine couldn’t resist adding a third lab rat, her ex, namely, TBG.
kristine: I broke down and sent it to T…i’m sooo curious! ha ha
ooh..this is what T sent:
me: IT’s cold in here
T: whining is for weiners

Ick. :/

Vanessa took the experiment a step further.
Vanessa: So I decided to write something else which I was thinking anyways,
“You have the cutest smile”
And no reply
Maybe he is busy
oh…wait a minute
He is typing back
“Thank you”
LMAO!
me: he only acknowledges compliments?
maybe I should try that next.
Vanessa: Should I type back It’s cold in here?
me: HAHA, I don’t know!
Vanessa: I did it
let’s see if he replies…
You would think a guy would think of nipples geting hard and say something along those lines…
“Jay: Do u hv a sweater or a jkt”
me: so extra prompting or poking got him to respond.
Vanessa: Yup!
She made a joke about writing the notation in the lab notebook, “species responds to enviromental comment once they get a compliment”, and I added to her imaginary notebook, “my base hypothesis is thus formed that the male of said species is vain.”

Right around then Mr. W actually called me from work and said, “Why is it cold in there?” So I considered it a redeeming response and I love him again. 🙂 Little does he know how close he came. j/k! I told him over the phone about the experiment, and about TBG’s response to Kristine in the experiment, and he said, “That’s probably what we’re ALL thinking except some of us has just decided to stay quiet about it.” 😮 How rude.

And then a last lab rat in the experiment, the IMs between Vanessa and her boyfriend Jay:
Vanessa: Thank you for participating in the social experiment
Please stay tuned to Cindy’s blog for results
Jay: I have a bad headache
Vanessa: You do Bay?
From the smoke?
Or from the stress?
Jay: Neither but thank you for participating in my social experiment

HAHAHAHA!

Trainee: I wish my computer would just shut down so I can go home.
Me: kick it.
Trainee: I have done nothing but answer emails since I came back from lunch. I’m about to kick Prince up and party Like it’s 1999. As a matter of fact one of my friends just used the country-est saying I’ve heard in a long time. He said that the person he was talking to need to stop griping before he told her how the cow ate the cabbage. I was in here cracking up.
Me: I have never heard that. What does that mean?
Trainee: Don’t react before you know what happened. I never heard that one either, but out of all the country ones I heard this was just straight back woods country.
Me: I wonder where statements like that come from. Like 200 years ago, did this happen? :
Farmer: OH MY GAWD!! The COW’s in the cabbage! And it ate it all up! YOU’RE supposed to be watching Bessie, the cow! I’m gonna kill you!
Wife: No wait! You don’t understand! Stop griping before I tell you HOW the cow ate the cabbage!
Farmer: All right, fine. HOW did the cow eat the cabbage?
Wife: One bite at a time.
Farmer: I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! *kick kick kick kick*
Trainee: if anybody else read these emails they would swear our lunch was liquid.

A Mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to “Mom.” With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,

Call me when it’s safe to come home.

Forwarded from one of my coworkers, from her heart and my heart to yours!

1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR…
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF TE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DONT TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD “LISP” TO HAVE “S” IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!

Via group e-mails this morning:

Mom: I just remember it is our anniversary yesterday.
Dad: LET’S CELEBRATE SAT OR SUN??
Me: OKAY! I was telling Mom that it seemed like yesterday that I celebrated your big anniversary with you last year. And that time goes by fast. So it must mean I’m old. Haha.
Dad: YOU ARE RIGHT IT IS YESTERDAY HOW CAN YOU REMEMBER. LOOK’S WHO’S OLD? HA HA. ANY PLAN ??
(He misunderstood me and the expression “seemed like yesterday.”)
Me: Let’s go for a nice dinner! Any place in particular you and mom want to eat?
Mom: No idea, any health food place? Can I also invite my mom?
Dad: every body may go. all welcome.
Me: Okay, I’m inviting my cat! Prepare to sneeze!
Dad: I know a pet shop near home.
(*Gasp* Did he just threaten to get rid of my cat?!)
Me: well, at least you didn’t say, “I know a restaurant that cooks cats.”
Mom: I know, I know, we can take DoDo to China.
(My parents are going on vacation to China in November.)
Me: Why? Dodo is from Italy.
Mom: Some place in China cook Cats.
(!!!)
Me: you’re TERRIBLE!

Remember the Marine Corps Boot Camp Challenge? It’s this Saturday morning. Here’s what we have been doing the last few days leading up to the event.

ME
Having spent the past week in Hawaii not hitting the gym, I cranked it up this week. During my lunchtime workouts, I’ve increased the weights (slightly) to strengthen myself, been incorporating runs and sprints into my warmups and cooldowns, doing “real” pushups in my circuits. I did the heavier legs stuff earlier on and then tapered off so that I wouldn’t be sore the day of the run.

MR. W
He did an early morning 4-mile run over the weekend to acclimate to the running conditions on the day of the race, and is hitting the gym again after his week off in Hawaii with me. He’d planned on doing some evening runs during the week.

VANESSA
She IMed with me on Wednesday:
me: So are you taking [your new boyfriend] to SD for the run?
Vanessa: He is going to do it to
me: as an individual or as a group?
Vanessa: ind
me: we’re all individuals.
Vanessa: he found out it was at the Recruit Depot and signed up
me: that’s what happened w/[Mr. W].
Vanessa: lol Marines!
me: that’s cool. I’m excited.
Vanessa: I’m excited too
me: when are you guys leaving for SD?
Vanessa: I dunno
me: are you staying down there?
Vanessa: He lives in San Clement so it’s close by
me: oh.
Vanessa: Maybe 6:45
Vanessa: i started going to the gym during my lunch breaks on M, W, F. I just started this week
me: oh, good for you.
Vanessa: Thanks!

I happen to know for a fact that her “date” (i.e. the new boyfriend, congrats, Vanessa!) for the event has been hitting the gym pretty hardcore lately, too.

DWAINE
we e-mailed Wednesday:
Me: Are ya ready? It’s this Saturday! 😀 Do you have a bunch of coworkers coming along?
Dwaine: I haven’t even thought about it. I haven’t run since the Mud Run. I probably shouldn’t finish this beer in my hand as part of my training.
Me: oh, finish it. It’s only wednesday. 🙂 (BTW, the angel on my other shoulder tells me to tell you that if you drop the beer, you’d be sober enough to work out tonite in preparation. It’s already Wednesday!)
Dwaine: tell the Angel on your shoulder that “I can quit when I went to!”
Me: “went to,” eh? Looks like you’re already one past quittin’ time. 😉
Dwaine: &*$@#!!!

Jordan was up in Florida this morning listening to her iPod when I came online early (not so early for her, as Florida’s 3 hours ahead). She didn’t know what song she was listening to, as her teenage daughter had put it in Jordan’s iPod for her.

Jordan: snoop and dre is what is what it says
Cindy: I wonder if it’s an old song.
Jordan: I have no idea but it says mother fucker a lot
Cindy: I would never put a song on around my parents that had cussing in it.
Jordan: yeah but it’s not 1970 anymore…
Cindy: My mom wouldn’t buy me the Color Me Badd CD.
Cindy: me in 9th grade. Mom says “I’m going to Target! Want anything?”
Cindy: I said, “Yeah, I want the Color Me Badd CD! Grace has it and I listened to it and it’s sooooo good!”
Cindy: She goes, “Okay.”
Cindy: And then she comes back from Target empty-handed and says we need to talk.
Cindy: she says seriously, “Cindy, I didn’t get you the CD.”
Cindy: “WHY??????”
Jordan: .LOL about the color me badd /target/mom!!…….my kids are allowed to say things like “that pissed me off” but they are not allowed to say other things
Cindy: “Because it’s not a good CD. I turned it over and looked at the songs, and one of them was called ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’.”
Cindy: it’s a very cute song.
Jordan: oh yeah… i like that one
Cindy: And now it’s playing in my head.
Cindy: their entire album is very upbeat, very cute
Cindy: like “All for Love,” I LOVE.
Jordan: well do you own it NOW?
Cindy: no.
Cindy: 🙁
Cindy: my mommy won’t let me.
Cindy: I just have porn DVDs. HAHAHA
Jordan: hide it in an inconspicuous case, like you do with your porn
Jordan: JINX
Cindy: :X
…
Cindy: you should come down and meet my mom.
Cindy: since we’re sisters and all.
Jordan: I need to. Since she’s mine also.
Jordan: jinx again,.. stop that
Cindy: “Hi mom. This is Jordan. Your other daughter.”
Cindy: “What, you don’t remember?”
Jordan: like the other white meat
Cindy: HAHAH
Cindy: yeah, the first white meat being my ass.
Jordan: true dat ( i assume )
Jordan: take YO word fo it
Cindy: I look like I’m put together from the body parts of a Carribean girl and a Polish girl.
Jordan: did billy idol do a song called china girl?
Cindy: someone did.
Jordan: we could revise it
Cindy: “My little china girl…”
Jordan: My little striped color coded china girl
Cindy: HAHAHAHAHA
Jordan: hehe
Jordan: maybe that wasn’t billy idol
Cindy: I have no idea who it is.
Jordan: who had two different colored eyes?
Cindy: david bowie
Jordan: oh yeah
Jordan: it was him
Cindy: oh.
Jordan: billy idol.. david bowie.. same thang
…
and then a bonus:

Cindy: are you off today?
Jordan: no I’m in a delivery right now… baby is crowning
Jordan: of course I’m off.. they don’t let me chat
Cindy: how do I know you don’t have a later shift? geesh.
Jordan: i can respond to emails.. that’s about it
Cindy: you CAN?
Jordan: yeah
Cindy: now I’m gonna be mad if I don’ t get instant responses. hmmph.
Jordan: well… when you have 30 babies born in ONE day.. it’s kind of hard
Cindy: i’ll bug you all day long. “What’s happening NOW? What about NOW? How many babies NOW? How come you’re not replying NOW?”
Jordan: well then you’ll get the ifcindyemailsmemorethan10timestoday response
Cindy: what would THAT be?
Jordan: “take your meds and CALM the f down”
Cindy: *hyperventillating*
Jordan: blow
Cindy: aWHOO! aWHOO!
Jordan: put yo head between yo legs
Cindy: if I could do that I’d be too busy to hyperventillate

Yup. Mom would be proud.
But at least I’m in a better mood now!

…I know where it went. It was STOLEN!

I was up at 7:30a and wrote a list of things to do today on my day off before our flight takes off to the Big Island of Hawaii tonite at 7:10p. I thought I was doing REALLY WELL, too, and remarkably ahead of schedule. The to-do list looks like this:

1.) pack (just makeup, sunglasses left to pack)
2.) pay bills
3.) gym
4.) buy wedding card/hit up ATM
5.) as time permits, a professional pedicure across the street from the gym/ATM
6.) tidy up house

So Mr. W told his son to come by my house at 3p to give us a ride, and then said that he (Mr. W) will be at my house at 3-ish as well. It was 10:30a when I started paying the bills that would become due when I’m gone, having finished packing (except for the makeup, which I’ll still have to use after the gym, so I’ll pack it then). Scribble on the checks, scribble on the register, peel-n-stick the stamp, peel-n-stick the address label, lick the envelope, ingest what some overpaid researchers have discovered is half a calorie per envelope seal licked, on to the next one. I was a productive methodical machine! And waaaay ahead of the 3pm schedule!

And then the cell phone rang. By “rang,” I mean that Mariah Carey crooned “Oh, you’ll always be a part of me, ooh I’m part of you indefinitely, boy don’t you know you can’t escape me, ooh darling, cuz you’ll always be my baby!” which would be a creepy stalker anthem if it weren’t so upbeat and if I weren’t already engaged to the caller. Mr. W asked me what I was doing. I happily reported how ahead-of-schedule I am. He asked me what’s next on my agenda. I told him I was going to drop off my bills at the post office, go withdraw money from the bank, buy the wedding card (okay, so THAT I big-time procrastinated), then hit the gym, all of which things were within one square mile of each other. He said he got the afternoon off and will meet me at the gym at noon to work out, then we’ll go eat and he’ll come back with me to my place to wait for his son.

Wait. Did I just hear that I got THREE HOURS shaved off my preparation time???

ACK! It’s less than 10 minutes to noon! I gotta GO! Now all of a sudden I’m LATE and I was SUPER DUPER EARLY just an hour ago!!