cindy's world

(as with all my photos, rest mouse pointer over picture for caption.)

Vicky called me earlier in the evening and asked what I’d been doing all night. I told her that I’m in the middle of a ton of stuff, irrate that so little of the tasks I had at hand were done.
Vicky: Like what?
Me: I have a week’s worth of mail I was going through, and partway through I saw a letter from Citibank telling me they were gonna change my account unless I called this number, and my phone downstairs doesn’t work so I went upstairs to call, and while I was up there I saw my luggage I still had to unpack so I started doing that, and half the stuff was still damp from the humidity in Hawaii so I’m rewashing everything. And then halfway through that, I realized I had to take some stuff downstairs I’d need tomorrow so I came down, and saw that my mail’s still unfinished so I sat down to do that, and then Dwaine called so I was talking to him, and then Andy called so I talked to him, and then I decided to eat a little something so I turned on the TV and now I’m watching that for some reason, and then you called so I’m talking to you. Nothing’s done!
Vicky: So life’s pretty good, huh?
Me: [pause] Yeah. Life’s real good. I’m all tan from Hawaii and I have the luxury to do my chores really slowly, and I got to talk to my friends who called to say hi.

I’m pretty happy, despite the fact that I’d called Josh around 7pm (5pm Hawaii time) to ask what they were doing. He said they’d just gotten back from a hike where they saw waterfalls, they were waiting around about to go out for dinner, and then they thought they’d go hang out in the hotel’s hot tub afterwards. “I’m so jealous! Work here sucks!” I wailed. He said, “Yeah, I’m sorry, we wish you were here, too.” And then I heard everyone in the background of his phone telling me hi. But even work wasn’t too bad. We started a criminal trial today, but that didn’t come until after lunch, and during lunch, I met up with Mr. W and we napped off our jet lag exhaustion in his portable hammock, set up in the shade of a building on a private rooftop. After work and starving, having last eaten at lunchtime before my flight back Sunday, I hit up Vons and filled up a grocery basket with a tub of cashews, 2 packs of honey twist pretzels, Fuji apples, variety of yogurt, loaf of sprout grain bread, spicy jack and baby Swiss cheese, eggs, canned corn and margarine. $30 with a Vons Club card! I should grocery shop more often than my two or three times a year. They say to never shop when you’re hungry, and it’s a good thing I limited myself to one handheld basket, or I would’ve added ice cream, powdered hot chocolate, cereal, milk, chips, and cookies to the mix. I ended up eating a couple handfuls of cashews, some honey twist pretzels, yogurt , a slice of each type of cheese and 2 apples for dinner. That pretty much hit all the food groups, and was faster than what I’d planned to have but was too hungry to wait for — creamed corn egg drop soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. And I did manage to unpack, catch up my checkbook to all the debit card purchases I made in Hawaii, get through all my mail, and spend quality time with some friends on the phone. I also spent quality time with the Doey boy (who’s asleep upstairs on my bedroom floor right now, curled up in a cookies n’ cream colored ball) and changed out an ugly wall switch plate for a prettier mosaic one.

What a frazzled, aimless post. My point is that recognizing my small increments of successes brings me a sense of accomplishment and happiness that I’m glad I didn’t let pass by unnoticed.

Jordan’s most recent blog post is about a dream she had this past weekend; she dreamt she was on a plane flying with a male companion to Mexico on vacation. When she turned to look at her companion, turned out it’s her ex-husband. In the ensuing dream conversation, the ex looked at her as if she’s crazy when she asked how he knew about her trip. The ex said they’d booked the vacation together, that they live in New York together still, is she okay? Basically, the past 5 years of single life as Jordan knew it never happened. It was like a peep into “what if.”

Jordan’s post got my brains rolling in a familiar what-if scenario. Did you ever think that maybe THIS life is the illusion, and the reality is that you’re semi-conscious in some nursing home somewhere, in a pseudo-vegetative state, and every time you do something really cool in this reality, your alternate reality comatose self smiles and gives the nurses and family members hope that you may be getting better? Maybe you’re out in a wheelchair in some garden as the caretakers push you out to get some sun. When you’re inexplicably warm in this reality, it’s really cuz your physical wheelchair-bound body is in the sun too long. Maybe in this reality, you’re a 21 year old girl laughing whole-heartedly at some person you’re interested in at the bar, and in your comatose reality, your adult son just happened to kneel before you at the same time and talk to you, and you smile. Now your son is overjoyed, “I think she heard me! Mom! I saw you smile! Smile again!” You’ve seen people in asylums or nursing homes whose thoughts and attentions are obviously not with you. Where are they mentally?

Creepy, huh?

Been thinking about that since I was a kid. The problem with reality is that it’s so subjective.

I’m at my desk processing paper divorces. In reviewing these files, I see a trend. The parties are married for a short number of years, and then I look down and see they have offspring(s) of the marriage listed. The offspring are often older than the length of the marriage. So I can only imagine that the people had a kid or two together, didn’t get married for awhile, and then decided, “Eh, let’s do it, let’s make it official,” and then in a short married time they realize it doesn’t work.

This isn’t criticism, since I have no experience in this arena, but don’t they know beforehand that it wouldn’t work? I mean, there’s gotta be SOME reason the two hesitated in getting married when they first got pregnant, right? So if they knew then they aren’t compatible, why bother getting married when the kid’s like 4, and then it turns out they were right originally and they SHOULDN’T be together, but now they have to go thru formal divorce proceedings and explain to the kid why mommy and daddy aren’t gonna live together anymore? What happened there? Anyone have any stories/examples for me? I don’t think this is about a woman getting knocked up to trap a man, since if that was gonna work, they would’ve gotten married before the kid’s that old. I just don’t understand why, if you’re already holding back, you’d go ahead and take the plunge so much later.

And then it makes me wonder about other stuff, too. My mom says that today’s society is so full of divorce because people (in this country) don’t value the relationship enough to compromise. People these days are selfish, and if something doesn’t make them happy, they just up and leave instead of work toward a solution. Sure there are things you shouldn’t stay and accept (cheating, abuse, etc.), but there are a lot smaller things that people leave over these days. Like finding a porn magazine in his briefcase. I used to think that going from relationship to relationship is just the dues you have to pay to eventually make it to The One. But now I wonder whether today’s fast-paced world doesn’t leave room for The One, it’s just whatever fits in your lifestyle or desires right now, i.e. Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now. Life and times and careers and friends keep evolving, so maybe someone perfect for you now would no longer fit in in a few years when you advance in your career or develop new interests. We’re no longer in a small town life where you can marry your high school sweetheart and stay together forever because all you’ll be doing from that time on would be minding the farm together, and if he can milk a cow now, he’s gonna be great at milking the cow later, and nothing’s gonna change. But if it’s true that life today doesn’t lend itself to stability, then why contractually obligate yourself to anyone? It’s like building an expensive house on a fault line when you know earthquakes hit there every few years and plate techtonics will tear the property apart as a law of nature.

Isn’t that freaking scary?! To think that we may no longer be able to make a beeline toward a juicy rewarding hive; that we’re just spending life flitting from flower to flower, forever.

I was standing in the elevator earlier with a judge, who mentioned to me how bad traffic was this morning. I replied, “Yeah, is it just me, or are people ruder now on the road than they were even 5 years ago?” He said in a calm, pacifying tone, “Society in general is in a decline, and there are obvious reasons for that.” This would’ve been an interesting conversation to pursue, but I was about to enter my courtroom door and he was about to walk down the hall to join other judges in their morning coffee klatch.

His implications are obvious, however, especially given his conservative political views and the fact that we’re in Southern California, working in a largely unprivileged area, on a job that deals directly with people who have gone wrong in their life choices. But I don’t want to get into politics or education or funding or immigration reform.

I just think that people in general, in the areas that I frequent, drive like jerks. I drive more and more defensively because I don’t want to get suckered into one of their traffic messes, where they’ll claim I was at fault somehow because they see an affluent car and they’d want to sue me. Worse yet if they’re illegal and uninsured, like the guy who hit Vanessa a few months ago. But aside from their aggressive driving where they’ll cut people off and try to piss you off by slamming their brakes in front of you while gesturing with their arms and trying to instigate something, people are also just audacious in what they do in their cars. This morning, I was stuck at a section of traffic lights in close succession, so that although my light was green, I couldn’t go because the block in front of me was full of cars waiting at a red light. If I went forward, I’d be stuck blocking the intersection. So I didn’t go. The guy behind me honked at me, then went around and blocked the intersection in the next lane (altho he did see the cop car in front of me, the last car in the block, and hesitated. HA!), and the woman behind him almost did the same thing except the block in front of me loosened up and I moved forward so she came back. That’s a peeve of mine, when people KNOW they can’t go anywhere because the block is all stuck at a red light, and they go up and block the intersection anyway, ignoring people trying to turn left or pull out of the intersecting street into the blocker’s street. And these jerk blockers make a point of looking straight ahead, avoiding eye contact with people they’re selfishly blocking off. The last time I checked, blocking an intersection like this is illegal, and I really, really want patrol cars to start giving tickets for this. It’s becoming an epidemic!

OH, and later on in the same intersection this morning, I pulled up to see the driver’s side door 2 cars in front of me was open. I wondered what he was doing, because the light had just turned green and he was taking his time closing the door. Turned out he was pouring coffee or some beverage out his car into the street. The car right behind him splashed into it driving forward and it got the side of his car all wet. What’s so urgent you can’t wait to get to your destination to throw that beverage away?!

You know there is no drama going on in your life when you consider blogging this:

I RSVPed today for a coworker’s surprise baby shower which is to take place next Friday at lunchtime, and went downstairs to the event organizer and gave her my $5 contribution (for the catering). Then I came back up to write the event down in my planner, but in doing so I realized that I’m on vacation all next week so I won’t be here! But I think I’m gonna come in to work during lunchtime for the shower anyway. Since I paid my $5. I get to dress casually. Yay!

I’m not sure what to think about the peaceful state of my life right now. It’s not boring, exactly, as at just about any given time, I have various things I could choose to do and various people to do it to. Err, with. 😉 Take weekdays after work, for example. I could go to Mr. W’s to hang out, or I could go home. Once home, I could go to jujitsu for a few hours and hang out with the people there who’ve become good buddies, or I could go to the gym, or I could call up some friends to have dinner, or I could stay home, hang with the Do-fuzz, and do laundry. There’s not much stress on my mind these days, unless I let my imagination run wild and freak out for the exercise of it. I think this is the peace that I kept dreaming about when I first started this blog, but honestly, I didn’t think I could ever find it unless I was alone with no one to bring me down or disappoint me. And let’s face it — alone is good, but only for a limited time. After the initial sigh of relief as you wriggle into your own skin, you start looking around and goin’, “Hey, how come no one’s hitting on me? I don’t have a date to bring to my friend’s wedding! I want to try this new restaurant, but I have no one to take!” I feel so balanced right now. I got my friends for me, I got my exercise for me, I have stable work, stable relationship, I’m healthy, my parents are healthy (for the most part). I have Hawaii in a few weeks with my jujitsu dojo. But I still look around for what’s next. What’s hiding around the corner? Anything? Hello?

I hope this isn’t the calm before the storm.

…because I think this is HILARIOUS. My friend Erin, who recently gave birth to her second kid, was emailing me about the hypothetical if Mr. W and I had a kid. With her permission:

Erin: “Yeah Ba [her dad] was 48 when he had my brother and 50 when he had me. It’s really not such a bad thing to have an older parent. The best part is because this would be his second time around there are a lot of things that he would be prepared for mentally so while you would freak out about stuff (because it’s your first time) he’d be able to put you back at ease (like when your kid rolls off the bed…Patrick [her husband] had implied I was a bad mom when it happened to me until it happened to him…). Biracial Asian kids get the best of both worlds, they have more of an olive complexion (so they won’t burn quite as easily as the white kids) with bigger eyes.”

Me: “kids roll off beds? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Erin: “yeah usually it happens when they’re asleep and then they just roll right off. It kind of sucks when it’s yours though.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

This morning, I held my breath and nervously pulled up a pair of size 2 Express Editor pants. They zipped and buttoned perfectly fine. I pulled on a thin pink ribbed 3/4 length knit shirt, an Express small, and that fit, too. Yay, I’m back in my skinny clothes! I mean, they could fit better, but at least they’re don-able. On my way out I grabbed a light leather jacket from the hall closet.

I can’t wear a leather jacket without a line from this guy’s email running through my head. Some years ago, I was doing my own thing and was stopped by a female acquaintance. She asked me whether I was seeing someone, and I told her not at the moment. She said one of her friends was interested in me, and had asked her to find out some stuff about me. So I guess her tactful way of doing it was just coming out and asking me. I was flattered, so that led me to exchange a few emails with this friend of hers. In one email, he complained about having a headache. He further explained that he had a headache because he’d gone to an outdoors concert event the night before, and “was banged around for an hour in a leather jacket.” My mental reaction now is the same as it was the time I read it, i.e. ??? Assuming he did not mean that people tied him up in a leather strait jacket and beat him senseless with a bat for an hour, I guess he wore a leather jacket in a moshing-like environment. But what’s the leather jacket have to do with his headache? Does banging on a leather jacket cause some kind of chemical reaction, like two molecules hitting each other? Maybe the force of the impacts releases some kind of toxic gas that gives people headaches. Maybe the sound created from banging on leather emits such a deep echo that it gives the wearer a headache.

Or maybe, just maybe, he was s t r e t c h i n g to brag about the fact that he owns a leather jacket, shoving that fact into a story that really has no relevance to the fact at all. Which just makes it kinda sad and pathetic. I’ve come to learn that people who do, or people who are, even people who have, don’t need to talk about it. Typically, people who talk are overcompensating for what they don’t or aren’t or haven’t.

I woke up this morning feeling green. Not as in sick and nauseated, but as in unripe. I felt like a tart hard fruit not ready to be picked, not meant to face the world, but nevertheless was plucked prematurely out of bed.

I dreamt that I was doing jujitsu training in waist-deep pool water and suddenly on my left lower abdomen, I got a sharp almost-painful bloating feeling, like my left ovary just ballooned up or something. So I stopped, holding the offended area with my hands. I tried working out again and the feeling came back, so I stopped again, and I dreamt the blackbelt instructor came up to me to see what was wrong. He decided I needed to go to the emergency room, and was about to take me himself, but his girlfriend offered to take me instead. So we went back to my home, which was an apartment in the dream, to call 911 and pack some clothes. While there, I felt better so I decided to check up on my agenda. I must’ve sent the girlfriend home. My planner stated that I had a trip planned to fly to Northern Cal to hang out with friends, except it was Saturday in my dream, I’d forgotten about the trip, and presumed I’d missed my flight. I called my mother to ask if she knew when I was supposed to leave. She said I could still make it, the flight wasn’t until late. So I decided to pack some reading with me, since flipping through my planner I also discovered that I have a few novels due in a week or so as I am back in college. I was relieved to discover that I’d already read both novels before, one was an Asian American themed one, and the other was an American or British classic. I normally dream that I’m back in college and can’t find my classrooms, or I suddenly realize some huge project or reading I hadn’t done is due right that day, or that I was horribly behind in some complicated class like math because I’d failed to attend class all quarter and never cracked open the book and now the final is upon me and it’s too late to drop the class.

I’m exhausted. It’s not easy to be green.

I like being at home and hanging with the Dodo. This morning, I was singing to myself and suddenly, he was before me, meowing looking up at me. I bent down and petted him, still singing, and he wauled along. Just now, I was IMing with my childhood friend Sandy, talking about our cats the way other adults talk about their children.

Sandy: he’s [Dodo] the only cat i know that talks..
Sandy: and a lot…
Me: all cats talk.
Sandy: meowmeowmeowmeowmeow…
Sandy: very very cute…
Sandy: no Marsh is a mime
Me: I’ve heard him talk.
Sandy: barely.
Me: my cat likes to talk to me.
Me: and he sings with me, too.
Sandy: lol
Sandy: mine just looks at me like I’m stupid
Me: mine found a new corner to tuck himself away in.
Me: now he’s hanging out between the la-z-boy and the couch.
Sandy: he’s sleepy.. cat nap time
Me: wonder when he started doing htat.
Sandy: well.. he knows where it’s comfortalbe
Me: it is a cozy little corner.

I turned and watched my little furry boy affectionately.

Me: he’s dreaming.
Me: his paw’s twitching.
Sandy: lol.. how cute
Me: he looks like he’s doing calculations on an abacus.
Sandy: LOL…
Sandy: only you will say he’s doing colculations on an abacus
Sandy: i’d say.. he’s chasing a mouse?
Me: oh, haha.
Me: that’s true.

I heard some information through the grapevine about my ex, and I didn’t know whether to react with laughter or sadness or scorn or what. Because it’s just so sad and pathetic. The only emotional response I have for sure, is gladness that I’d made the right choice by leaving the relationship. Pat on the back, Cindy, you did right by yourself. I guess I’m always more glad than upset to hear affirmation, just in case I ever think, “Did I make the right decision?” I know I did.

Speaking of rats, I sooooo want this. It’s a hamster in a hamster wheel that plugs into your computer USB port and the faster you type, the faster the little guy runs. So while I’m sitting here at work running the rat race, my little hamster’s wheel will fan me. Since I type pretty fast. I’d wanted this, until I saw the price tag. YIKES!

Speaking of hamsters running in wheels, my coworker Sandy had once said to me that when I’m in thought, sometimes she could actually see the little mouse running on the wheel in my brain, except that unlike other people’s mental mice, mine runs faster, and there are 3 of them, and they’re all running in different directions.