cindy's world

While pedaling on the stationary bike at lunchtime, I had a great chat with a public defender in our building about our childhood OCD quirks. It’s nice to know that I wasn’t the only one who had to read every single word in a book and absorb everything before I’d allow myself to go on to the next line, or who had to do something a certain number of times before feeling comfortable that the task is done. Altho I may still carry a touch of OCD on things (such as math-related things which is why I avoid math so much), it seems both he and I overcame our general OCD stuff by sheer will in early adolescence. We told ourselves that this was getting ridiculous, we were gonna break ourselves of the habit, and just sit thru the anxiety attack resulting from NOT giving in to the compulsion until we see that there is no negative effect to not eating M&Ms in even numbers, for example. (That one’s not mine.) It was a great conversation as we laughed at ourselves, and I even stayed on the bike 15 minutes longer than I’d originally planned to just because the conversation was so entertaining. I bid him adieu with, “See ya later, you freak.”

There are an unusually high number of emotionally miserable people out there right now. Not just my friends and coworkers, but it seems friends of friends, or random strangers whose blogs I stumble across, are going thru relationship crap. I just came back from running a favor for the judge I’m working with today. A woman where I was at detained me to utilize some of my counseling skills and vented about a guy she just ended things with. Familiar stories all around. I gave her some suggestions on how to move forward from her situation, and am gonna help her w/some mild hand-holding, such as going to a spa and pampering ourselves sometime in the near future. Maybe I went thru all this crap so people around me could benefit from my experience. I dunno.

My supervisor suggested the other day that Spring yields some discontent because it’s the season people expect great things, and instead it’s been gloomy and it’s hard to watch your friends get married while you feel you’re nowhere on the relationship track (I guess a lot of weddings take place in Spring). I’m struggling every day for my emotional stability, and some days it’s easier than others. But we are all works in progress.

After work yesterday I spent perhaps 45 minutes chatting with a coworker in the parking structure. We talked about my perspective on relationships, his current situation, gave each other feedback, etc. I realized that I have these mature conversations all the time with people who may suggest a criticism and I’ll think about it and either agree or dispute it and give my perspective on it, and they’ll take it and work with that, and it’s fine. No one takes things personally, no one gets defensive and yells “I ALREADY told you,” etc. I think with one guy I dated, he took a lot of things personally which shouldn’t have been taken thus; he’d make a blanket statement such as “If a girl got close with my parents, that’d be grounds for breaking up with her already.” I’d get into the discussion by trying to see what the borders of this statement, if any, are, and I’d say, “Why do you feel that way?” or “Would you feel that way if this were your wife?” and he’d get all annoyed and raise his voice and say, “I ALREADY told you, if it’s just a girl I’d feel that way. WHY would I have a problem with my WIFE being close to the family?!” I’d have to back off because for some reason, statements he makes are apparently not up for discussion and if it seems vague to me, then I’d just have to live with it and not question him. So the coworker and I wrapped up the conversation and said our goodbyes, with him throwing this gem at me as he walked away: “Your legs look amazing, by the way.” I thanked him appreciatively. It’s nice to have my efforts at the gym acknowledged.

On my drive home, I spontaneously decided…and people who know me well will know how shocking this is…to go grocery shopping! Yes, $71 on raw edible nutriments. English muffins, milk, eggs, healthy cereal, nectarines, potatoes, carrots, some canned goods. Here’s the second gem. As I was turning from one aisle to the other, an elderly woman stopped me with an “Excuse me, miss… would you like some coupons?” I had just finished telling my coworker how I never get approached by strangers because apparently, as I’m told quite frequently my whole life, I tend to look angry and intimidating. “Excuse me?” I asked her. She walked toward me and showed me a handful of coupons. “I have these coupons that I’m not using, would you like some? Here’s a dollar off of Juicy Juice…” I ended up taking a coupon for $0.75 off 2 gallons of Dreyers ice cream, which Ralphs doubles for $1.50 off, and got Vanilla Black Cherry Swirl frozen yogurt and Churn Style Mint n Chip Lite. THIS IS FOR YOU NORTHERN CALI ICE CREAM FREAKS!

I just read 6 verdicts on a two-defendant case in Department R. One of the bailiffs who was backing up the regular bailiff was hanging out after the verdicts, and the regular bailiff had already put on his radio, which was then playing the theme song from Romeo & Juliet, “A Time for Us.” I said in passing that I keep hearing songs that I used to play on the piano and it makes me miss playing. The bailiff hanging out said, “Would you like to have a free upright?” Turns out the piano in his daughter’s room at his ex-wife’s house (really close to the courthouse) is now unneeded and they don’t care to sell it, they’ll just give it away. That would totally fit in my living room! YAAAAAY! Now I gotta find someone with a truck who’s willing to help me out…

Let’s have some perspective, shall we? You just sentenced a guy to 34-years-to-life and stayed another sentence of 31-years-to-life on his other count. This guy is 39. You, at the end of the day, know you’re gonna grab your purse and go home. You’re gonna finally vacuum your two-story house which you’re able to romp around naked in since you have no roommate, you’re gonna sort your laundry and get a load started, and you’re gonna do an hour of yoga to unwind while laundry’s going. Then you’re gonna have some of your mother’s homemade chicken soup that she gave you this past weekend. Then Dodo is going to tell you he loves you and talk to you while “Friends” or any of the many DVDs you’ve purchased that are still in their wrapper plays on your big screen TV. After that, why not have a bubble bath? Hey, that reminds me, that’s what your 3rd Dove wrapper said yesterday. That it’s a good day to have a bubble bath. It is a privilege to have your house go to hell while you mope over your pittily emotional problems. It is a privilege that there are no children to feed, diapers to change, third jobs to go to in order to make rent on a dingy apartment. There is nothing wrong with your life. Nothing.

I also feel a little bad over writing this reply in an email this morning (the recipient of the email doesn’t have the address for this blog):
it’s not about love. I had to learn that the hard way. loving someone is NOT enough. my sitting there loving and loving didn’t do SHIT for me. stop disturbing my peace. my life is fucked up enough without your constant guilt trips and putting the responsibility of the destruction of the relationship on me. I just got in major trouble downstairs because I am failing in my ability to function, I don’t need to come up and read about “Gee, if you don’t love me enough to get over this, then I guess you just never loved me enough.” What a load of bullshit! How about thinking about how strong YOUR wrong actions are that it could destroy my love and the conviction I had for the relationship?! What about THAT?

Today marks the end of life as I know it. Transitional life. The time bomb was put in place in the first week of the Past, already pre-set to go off May 2, 2005. The Past ended May 2, 2005; the Present began on the same date. Yesterday, June 16, 2005, makes it six weeks to the day. In those six weeks, I had struggled to find myself and to set up my Future life, altho I didn’t know it at the time. Now I have these plans and activities in motion, just waiting for me to be ready.

I drove to work today in silence, surrounded by only my thoughts. I brought my digital camera with me to document the day. I wanted to wear all black and be in comfort clothes, then at the last minute opted for an outfit that was better for my self-esteem. Black and white. Yin and yang. Hope and despair. The death of the phoenix in flames, and from the ashes, a new bird shall rise.

I looked into the jury room and paused in confusion. Cake laid out. Presents. “Your birthday! You didn’t forget, did you?” my court reporter asked. I did indeed forget that they had planned to celebrate my birthday early because of everyone’s vacation plans. The way things fall into place, the symbolism, the precision of it all. Me with my camera, wanting to document my rebirth, dressing for the part.

Chin up, Cindy. Turn those puffy eyes forward. I’m finally done with this phase. Finally.

Holy cow. What an emotional wringer I was put through tonight. It’s so hard, I’m so sad, I can feel the weight loss coming again. In one hour I lost so much. But the loss came on the coattails of inspiration. So it was major lack of sleep, then anxiety over what I thought would be a pivotal exposure and potential bonding, then earthquake, then inspiration, then the absolute white-hot shock of death #1, then the immediate and dramatic 2nd death, then epiphany.

I don’t care that I appear insane. I haven’t slept and I can’t think straight. Or maybe this is the straightest I’ve thought in a long time. I know that the writing isn’t coming out as well and smoothly as I’d hoped, but I have nothing left in me right now. Nothing. This is the best I can do for now.

I am again facing an uphill battle. Written in my journal on 5-4-05: “It’s the moment-to-moment emptiness that’s hard. It’s the getting through the ‘now.’ It’s the lack of something to look forward to. It’s the loss of things anticipated. It’s the fear of the future – not the far future, but the immediate future. What will I do with myself the next 10 minutes? The next hour? Day? Week?”

I was looking forward to writing to you. As much as stepping into an unknown is terrifying, I will trust you. I once looked to the past and could not bring myself to understand why it had to be. Now I know. Every tear that fell, every second spent lost and suffering, every bit of character-building pain, will be worth it to bring me to you, and to prepare me for you. My flaws will cease their existence with you, because you will not see them. I will be radiant, because you will make me glow. The past had destroyed its own future. The present falls short on inspiration. The future makes me want to be a better person. It may be a cliche, but I want to be better for you. I want to deserve everything that you are, because you will be perfect in my eyes. You will “get” me and love me with all my quirkiness, I will appreciate you with all of yours, and my God, what I wouldn’t do for you. The memories we’d create together, the thoughts and actions we’d inspire in each other, and the connection and conversations… I wrote you a plea on 10-24-03:

Plea/Prayer to the One

Where are you, my love?
I pray to you to rescue me
I grow weary, I grow wary
I grow disillusioned and disheartened
I feel discouraged and, I fear, hardened
Are you somewhere waiting too?
Are you like me, sad and blue?
The lessons I feel lead to you
Are you prepping for me, too?
Please come ready to be good to me
Filled to the brim with integrity
A man when you need to be
A friend who’s always true to me
A husband effective and adoring
A valiant example to our offspring
Talented, generous, educated, open
Fair, reasonable, flexible, handsome
Someone I respect and trust
Worthy of all I am and will be.

Okay, looking at it now, that was awful. Nowhere near some of my better work. But it was written at a time when I was at the brink of losing my mind, and I’ve come full circle back to that tonight. That’s gotta mean something, right? When you’re ready, my future best friend, confidante, protector, supporter, lover, hero, hello.

It was some magic we shared. The intensity was unrivaled. Your timing for appearing in my life was impeccable both times. You opened my eyes, and most importantly you taught me that the past is a choice I don’t have to keep making. You showed me that things I find important really do exist in people out there. Integrity. Passion. Tenderness. Loyalty. Fun. Temporary suspension in mid-air. You seemed to exist for one purpose only. Thank you for being my balance. You knew before I did that our time is done. As much as I began this wanting to keep you at arm’s length, I fell into the girl trap of ignoring all the signs otherwise, and convincing myself that we could work. You were clear-headed as you always were and you knew when the magic disappeared. I don’t know why we had a breakdown in communication and started having misunderstandings and oversensitivities. Things weren’t the same anymore, but I chose not to acknowledge that and chose instead to overglorify signs that we are on our way somewhere. I don’t know why you couldn’t hear it when I thanked you for having these talks with me, when I told you how smart you are, how you remain the only person who was ever able to kick my ass in my own analogies and arguments, how I want to help you take your stresses away by volunteering whatever skills or experience I have. Maybe you didn’t hear it because you weren’t supposed to. You sensed that the road stops here, you guided me here, and tonight you left me here. So goodbye, my magical fated friend, goodbye.