cindy's world

I’ll respond to your awesome comments in the last post later on…I just need to blast this out.

Day before yesterday evening, I started getting physical stress symptoms of lightheadedness, nausea, throat tightening, and cried a lot. I put on the social networking site that I needed a hug. Next thing I knew, I got tons of cyber hugs and Coworker Sandy and her husband Rich stopped by after work to physically give me a hug. Since Mr. W had also gotten home shortly before, the 4 of us plus baby went to Claim Jumper for a quick bite. She started fussing just a teeny bit in the restaurant, but Mr. W was able to rock her to sleep for half an hour in her carseat. I had a great time and felt much better.

Yesterday morning, it happened again. I was thinking about all the crap I had to do and remembering being woken up at 10:30p by stepdaughter’s return (I was asleep in the baby’s room and the garage door opening and closing woke me up) and having to deal with…stuff. I started feeling dizzy and faint again, the nausea came back even as I tried to eat a waffle for nutrition’s sake holding the baby. I called Mr. W and left him a vm just to tell him what I was feeling in case something happened to me (like passing out) while I’m caring for Allie. He was concerned and immediately got the rest of the day off and came home mid-morning.

He pushed me to get an appointment that day with a doctor or a therapist, asap. I managed to get one with someone who’s not my doctor, but is in the same building, and after that, Mr. W dragged me and the baby to San Clemente beach for lunch.

Allie didn’t sleep much during that period, but did take a quick 20-some minute snooze in her stroller. We had lunch waterside, and a nice hilly walk to and from where we’d parked. I felt immediately much better. Oh yeah, while I was feeding Allie before we left the house, Mr. W went downstairs and had a private talk with stepdaughter. When he came back up, he said he could think of a few options: we hire a nanny to help right away; I go to my parents’ house on weekdays, or he drops me off in Vegas to live with his parents for awhile so they could help me care for the baby. I was unhappy with the solutions that suggested I leave with Allie; I feel like I’m the least portable person there due to Allie’s needs. He also thought I should go on medication. That means breastfeeding is over. The one thing I thought I could do sorta right was breastfeed; if that’s taken away, then I feel totally useless as Allie’s mother. At least the consistent thing from pediatricians and baby nurses was that Allie is very healthy and her growth is excellent and they credit BFing for that. The last pediatrician said I must’ve been giving her good antibodies in milk or she’d have been a lot sicker with the RSV infection.

Before leaving the house, I popped in stepdaughter’s room where she was watching a show on her laptop. I said I just wanted to give her a hug, and she hugged me and told me she didn’t leave because of me; she left to see if it’d be better for everyone if we weren’t living together. She was reassuring, saying now that she knows what’s going on, we can figure out how to do this living situation thing, and she knows it’s hard, but it’s not my fault. We hugged again as I kinda lost it in tears again (all day). Yesterday I was in the baby’s room when she came home and I didn’t even know because she used the front door!

Anyway, the appointment went well. Dr. House (yes, it made me nervous, too) was very sympathetic, also felt I have postpartum depression and that I’m physically healthy. He urged me to keep my therapy apptmt next week, and when I asked if he were comfortable doing all my therapy documentation in a note for work, he looked up my info on the computer, saw all the prior diagnoses by my primary care doc AND the therapists, and immediately did an off-work note from the date I gave birth to the end of March. When I got home, Mr. W immediately scanned and I emailed it to my timekeeper person at work. She said it was perfect, and immediately passed it on to payroll downtown. She said this note will change all the vacation and other time they’d been using for my being off to “sick” time. Yay! Two things off my plate. The doctor also ordered a blood test to rule out any possible random physical reasons for my physical symptoms. The lab results were all within the range of “normal.”

I DO feel better. I didn’t want living with the stepdaughter to start off with both of us tiptoeing around each other and resentful, but it started off fine. The work issue is resolved. AND Allie slept through the night last night. 7:40p and still down now. I’m gonna go back to bed.

Mr. W got a text yesterday morning where the stepdaughter said she was “coming home” that night. That to me sounded like she was calling this “home,” which means things didn’t work out at her mom’s place and she’s coming back to live with us. I instantly got nauseated and dizzy thinking about all the stress coming with stepdaughter’s past resistance to the household’s current needs for quiet and privacy, and the sleep I’d be losing, and how much harder it’d be to put the baby to sleep and keep her asleep with noise I can’t control. The cat yowling is already bad enough, but I’ve been able to cut him off by making myself visible to him. He’s too polite to yowl when I’m there, and the deep loud territorial sounds will instantly change to gentle softer “meows” as he greets me. And then he stops altogether.

I actually considered taking my mom up on her offer to stay with my parents for awhile with the baby. Mr. W was understandably frustrated. “What do you want me to do?! She has to have a life, too! She’s my daughter, just as SHE (*pointing upstairs toward Allie’s room, where she as napping*) is my daughter.”
“I’m not trying to pick a fight and I can tell by your tone you’re upset at me. I feel like I’m pressed against a wall and I have nowhere to turn. I’m just trying to figure out what to do here. And it’s not just me having a hard time; [stepdaughter] was so resentful of having to live with the new lifestyle of being with a newborn that she tried to move out. I just think it’s easier for a 21-year-old to modify behavior than it is for an infant to modify behavior.”
“So I’ll talk to her. Write down a list of things you me to address with her and I’ll address it.”

Turned out she didn’t return last night, but had texted him saying she’d be here the next day (today). I just did a list, and they’re pretty common sense stuff:
*Respect current household hours (then listing the times her dad’s up in the mornings, the time the baby’s up to start her day, the fact that the baby’s down for the night at 6:30-7a, and her dad and my bedtimes of around 9p or earlier).
*Use front door and not garage whenever possible, especially after household is asleep; garage door rumbles & vibrates beneath baby’s room & sometimes wakes her up.
*Try to keep noise level to a minimum if you observe baby’s napping in the day, and after household has gone to sleep.
*Give prior notice if someone is coming over. Make sure guests respect household hours, too, i.e. with their own noise level.
*Note that noise carries easily upstairs, & altho the baby’s door is somewhat closed, she’s sensitive to sudden noise, & our master bedroom can not be closed becuase Dodo goes in & out, and the baby’s crying needs to be heard. Light therefore also goes in the master bedroom from the living room.
Examples of noises heard: garage door, door between garage & house slamming, talking on cell phone in regular voice in kitchen/hall areas, pots/pans banging in kitchen
*Clean up after self: shoes left in living room over several days are a tripping hazard when carrying baby; put dishes, blankets, etc away after use. Dishes go in dishwasher (instead of it drying out in sink), trash goes in trash cans & not countertops (wrappers, etc). Leave common areas in a condition where others can use it immediately after you without having to put things away or clean up after you first (i.e. laundry half-done in washer & dryer when you leave the house).

I can see Mr. W rolling his eyes at this list, but I think they’re very basic considerate things that anyone ought to do when living with anyone, even a roommate.

My anxiety level is cranked way up right now. Earlier in mid-post, a streetsweeper truck rolled by outside and I watched the monitor in horror as it woke Allie up from her nap. I couldn’t convince her to go down again because she’d napped long enough to not be as tired, altho she really didn’t nap enough at less than an hour. An insufficient nap after soothing her screaming and crying in my ear because she didn’t want to nap and resists when she feels tired, despite all her yawning and eye-rubbing… I was so frustrated I wanted to cry or puke or both. She’s old enough now to be somewhat self-entertained for a least 5-10 minutes, so she’s in the swing right now cooing along with the swing’s music, practicing raising her arms and legs.

Nebulizer treatment given…check.
Baby changed and fed…check.
Baby napping…check.
Baby laundry done and put away…check.
Dishwasher unloaded and dishes put away…check.
Lunch eaten…check.
Checks for bills and stuff written…check.
Got mail and package…check.
What’s missing? Oh yes, the hubby. =/

A friend had once said that the thing she hated most about married life is the constant waiting. Feeling like her day isn’t complete and her evening hasn’t started until he comes in the door from work. Life is on hold while waiting for him. I’ve certainly been watching the clock more rigorously than before I was on maternity leave. “He’s just starting his work now.” “He’s almost at lunchtime.” “He should be back from lunch now.” “He should be getting ready to leave now.” And then, in what seems like forever and yet oddly quickly when counted in terms of baby nap periods, “YAY! DADDY’S HOME!,” I tell Allie.

The package I received was from BabyComfyNose, the mouth-powered booger sucker thing I ordered over the weekend. I was eager to try it, but wouldn’t you know it, by the time I had the package open and the tube set up, Allie was looking at me innocently from her high chair at the dining table, lips sealed, breathing comfortably through her nose. I laughed at her. She laughed her toothless gummy wide-mouthed laugh back.

I’ve noticed when feeding her on the living room couch that when I sit her up to burp, she looks with intense interest at something toward the front door, probably about 7-8 feet up. As she learned to smile socially in the past month or so, she’d break out in a big open-mouthed smile in that direction, her eyes curling into little downward-facing crescents in her jolliness. Today, she did the same thing, but made laughing sounds. It seems like she’s staring at the silver-framed engagement photo of her father and me, hanging on our wall near the front door. (See 3rd photo from the bottom for a picture of said photo and frame from this previous wedding post.) “What’re you smiling at?” I’ve asked her often. “Do you recognize that photo? Were you there in spirit that day when we took it?” She’s remained as silent about that mystery as she remains entertained by the photo.

Maybe she just thinks it’s funny to see her mommy and daddy all dressed up and spiffy-looking cuz we certainly don’t look like that anymore. Especially not me; it’s a rare day if I even pop in contact lenses.

GIFTS…
I’ve gotten a gift delivered to me every week for the past 3 weeks from Mr. W. Once it was beautiful sunny yellow roses in a white pitcher with a card that said it was from Allie and Mr. W, and that they love me, and that I’m the best mother and wife ever. That came in the really bad week I had when I cried constantly, not being able to get Allie to nap, so I joked that Allie felt bad and wanted to apologize for her difficulty. The next week it was a box of big frosted shortbread cookies in the shapes of red hearts, white hearts, and green frogs wearing yellow crowns. The gift message said it was from Allie, for daddy’s sweet tooth and for her sweet tooth, too. I joked that I think Allie has got her hands on Mr. W’s credit card. Last week, I got a giant bouquet of something like 3 dozen large red roses in a beautiful teardrop glass vase. Mr. W said it was for Valentine’s Day, and didn’t give Allie credit this time. The card said it was from him, and “I love you! You are such a wonderful mom and terrific wife.”

So here’s how sick I am in the head… instead of it making me feel happy and appreciated, which is clearly the goal, I feel like crap because I don’t think I deserve it. Now I feel guilty that he’s having to waste his money on me to keep reassuring me that I’m doing a fine job on maternity leave, when the baby’s sick and I can’t do anything about it, and she’s not eating well, napping well, breathing well. I emailed the pediatrician earlier to tell him her current symptoms now that she’s on day 10 of this cold, to ask him if there’s anything else I can do, such as use a decongestant. I’m concerned all the mucus sitting in there for the past 10 days is going to cause a secondary infection in her sinuses or ears. I keep seeing other kids walk around with their parents and I think, “I can’t wait till Allie gets to that age so I don’t have to worry about this baby stuff anymore, I can just talk to her and she’ll understand and it’ll be easier.” But I’m sure it’s NOT easier because at that age, the kids probably have public tantrums and say hurtful things to their parents and refuse to do things like sleep or eat or get dressed. And I feel guilty for wishing away these precious baby times when I’ll probably look back in the future and think, “I should’ve appreciated those days more; they were so much easier than these days.”

…SHRINKS…
I have my first psych session with whomever the 2nd therapist/counselor/psychiatrist is at 2pm today. My parents are coming over to watch the baby while I go. I’m afraid they’re going to catch what we all have and for that reason I didn’t have them visit this past weekend. Today, however, I have no choice. My dad took the day off because he’s loathe to miss too many consecutive days of Allie; as it is, he talks about how much she’s grown and changed in between the week since he’d last seen her. My mom may have switched her normal day off (she’s on a 4-longer-days workweek schedule instead of 5 regular days) to today. I’m nervous about a recurrence of what happened the last time my mom came over and wouldn’t respect Allie’s need to sleep and kept picking her up, claiming Allie was up. Right now Allie is doing her morning nap, and she wouldn’t nap more than 10-20 minutes each segment yesterday, so she really needs to nap well today. She’s been down a little over an hour so far, but woke up 3 times already crying and I had to run up and put the pacifier in her mouth to soothe her back down. I’ll have to insist that my parents do this instead of what my mom really wants to do, which is go, “Oh, she’s crying, she needs to be comforted and she’s clearly awake, so I’m going to pick her up,” and that’s the end of that nap even though Allie’s exhausted and still wants to sleep. My mom also complained last time that Allie’s room’s too stuffy. Well, the humidifier makes it that way for a reason, and she needs to not air it out.

…AND NANNIES…
This is also the nanny concern. I need someone whom I feel will take care of Allie by doing what’s best for Allie, not someone who just wants to play with or hold a baby all day. It’s clear to me now that Allie doesn’t sleep well or deeply when she’s in motion, such as when she’s held or when she’s in the car. Whomever naps Allie must put her down for restful sleep, and let her get enough of it. I would love it if, when I leave for work each day, I feel like the person with Allie has more experience than I do and can do a better job than I can, which really shouldn’t be hard cuz I have a whole 2.5 months of infant experience so far. And I need someone who can teach me about progressing the baby, such as “Now is a good time to start introducing her to sippy cups.” Cuz I don’t know any of that stuff. The overqualified CNCS (certified newborn care specialist) who’s the reason I joined this nanny site finally checked the email, told me to call her last nite, and eliminated herself. She said the start time of 6:30a is really too early for her as it makes for a long day to go till 5:30p. It was nice of her to do that, and I was having the impression that she’s the type who’s busy doing something else and will likely ditch us for a better job anyway, which seems like what she’s doing now. She said she currently has a job starting at 8am and she’s already having trouble getting there at that hour. So if she’s present employed, and she’s looking for something else, I wonder if the other job knows that. I’d freak if she did that to us and we’re left out in the cold. But at least she brought me to join the website, where I hopefully will find the right fit.
I had an interview scheduled with Mr. W’s 2nd choice (1st being the CNCS), a person named Sara, for Wednesday. She’s one who’d contacted me through the site and we’d exchanged some emails and she seemed very experienced in infant routines and such. After we confirmed Wednesday’s interview, she wrote me back immediately and said that someone she’d interviewed with the weekend before I joined the site just called her and asked her to do a trial run, so she was letting me know she’d be unavailable. I wrote back and wished her luck, thanking her for promptly letting me know. My impression of Sara was that she’s competent, but was more formal with us so there’s less of a friendly relationship, which I’m not sure matters because her job is taking care of Allie, not being our friend, right?
Mr. W’s 3rd choice is the 31 yr old German lady, Susanne. We scheduled her interview in Sara’s former time slot, Wednesday evening. She’s enthusiastic and friendly, and has au pair and experience with infants and kids, but because she’s a German national, Mr. W is curious what her connections are here. I’m interested in whether there would be a cultural difference in parenting philosophies. She doesn’t seem to have extensive nannying experience with infants, and she was a teacher in Germany as her last formal occupation. I feel like I’d get along with her more on a peer level, but I don’t want Allie to suffer in getting competent care.
And then there’s a 59 yr old who lives 40 miles away who emailed me over the weekend, wanting to interview for the position. Her credentials look great on paper, saying she’s registered with Trustline, is CPR and 1st Aid certified, has certification for TB and flu shots. I emailed back pointing out that she’d have to drive 40 miles by 6:30 in the morning, and she wrote back that it’s not a problem, that a prior job required her to be there at 5am “over several months” and she was never late (why such a short job?). Her baby experience seems to be with child protective service departments’ infant units, and I’d written back asking if she’d had specific *nanny* experience with infants, and she replied about her experience with infants in a general way. She was eager for an interview and I scheduled it for Thursday evening, and figured I could ask her specific experience questions in person. I wonder why she’d be willing to drive so far, and what ended her child protective services jobs.
I don’t think I’m going to interview the 22 year old who’s transferring to UC Irvine to be a full-time student and wants to nanny full-time for us in the day. She may be able to juggle it, but I don’t want Allie to be the experiment. Plus, what about changing class schedules every semester? Finals weeks? Her wanting to do college student stuff like hang with friends?
Best location is a woman the next city over (minutes away) who emailed me. She has experience teaching preschool to elementary school, but when I wrote back asking if she’s had specifically nanny experience with infants, she hadn’t written back (altho the site tells me she read the email).
Why’s it so hard to find credentialed, experienced, knowledgable people who live nearby and could give us reliable nanny service as a live-out? =/ Too bad the woman who sounds PERFECT who’s moving here from out-of-state wants a live-in situation, only. That was Mr. W’s true #1 choice except that she’s not really in the running because she wants to be a live-in. She did tell me to keep her contact information so she could maybe sit for us on weekends or times when the regular nanny isn’t available.

In all this nanny-hunting angst when I’m desperate to find a great person for Allie, there’s also a growing concern that Allie will bond with the nanny, spending so much more time with her than with us, and will want the nanny on weekends or evenings instead of us. I can already see that Allie seeks me for comfort instead of Mr. W, and I’ll soon be spending the same little time with her as Mr. W does once I return to work.

The stepkidlet left the night she had been planning to. I feel a strange sense of freedom, like I can now hang out in my PJs all day, or relax about the living room looking too “babied up.” This makes me think that I’d been all stressed about the common areas of the house looking perfect before because I don’t want clutter to impact a shared space with someone who’s not a parent (stepdaughter), or having it look bad when her friends come over. Now that it feels like just my, Mr. W’s and the baby’s space, I suddenly don’t have that compulsive need to tidy anymore. Interesting.

Mr. W is feeling well enough to return to work today, having taken Monday and Tuesday off. Monday because he felt like total crap from his sickness, Tuesday because it’d become undeniable that the baby caught his bug and he wanted to take us to the pediatrician. We went to whatever pediatrician had an appointment available, which was not Allie’s regular pediatrician, but she was great. Allie was behaving well, performing well, in good spirits. We had a rough start before being called in with Allie pooping in the waiting room, we waited to be called in but they were late getting to us, so I went to go change her in the public restroom, but the room with the changing station was locked with someone inside. I turned my back briefly to walk a few paces from the door so that I could wait for that person to come out, but while I had my back turned, she came out and some old man, despite seeing me, slid right in as the girl came out and locked himself in there forever. When he finally came out and I could get in, I’d had to wait too long and Allie’s poopie had squished up her back, through her inner shirt, hit her outer outfit. Cleanup was a pain and Mr. W came by the restroom and said irrately that they’d called us already but I was taking too long. I said that he should’ve come to get me as I was contemplating changing her there or later since she had to strip in the medical room anyway. Then when we went back to the waiting room, they had called in other patients so we had to wait even longer. I was pissed.
So anyway, the pediatrician checked Allie for common secondary infections (ear, lungs, throat, etc) but Allie was all clear and smiley. She was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection that came from the cold virus. The pediatrician said the rattling I hear and feel from phlegm was coming from Allie’s upper chest only, like her throat, and her lungs were clear. It would run its course in a week or two, and as for the new phlegmy cough she developed, to just leave it alone and she’ll be fine. Keep feeding her to keep her hydrated, put a humidifier in her room to help her loosen phlegm or take her in a steamy bathroom if necessary, use the bulb nasal aspirator with maybe a drop or two of saline in each nostril whenever necessary, she has no temperature and she’ll hopefully be recovering soon. It was the advice everyone had been giving me anyway. I have smart friends. 🙂

Last nite, I stayed mostly in Allie’s room. She went down pretty smoothly altho she woke up 6-8 times with a cough that broke my heart. But she went right back to sleep each time. And she slept through her late-night feeding and early-morning feeding. Last time she ate was close to 8pm. I was considering waking her if she doesn’t by 7am, but she just did.

Perfecting timing. Off to feed my baby.

P.S. I have the beginning stages of what they each had. Last nite my throat got sore, and it remains sore. I hear that’s how this starts. 🙁

Stepdaughter was outside hanging in the backyard patio with her computer yesterday late morning, and I said to her dad, “She seems pissed.”
“Yeah, she is,” he said. “She’ll get over it.”
“I don’t want her to ‘get over it,’ it doesn’t resolve anything and would probably lead to a lot of resentment. I’ll go talk to her and let her get it out.”
Despite Mr. W feeling that “getting over it” IS a resolution, I disagree, so I went outside with the baby and told the stepdaughter, “I get the sense that you’re pissed, so I want to give you the opportunity to air it with me.”
She jumped right in. She said she’s tried to be “the one positive happy influence in the house,” but the negativity is affecting her health. She feels like she’s a roommate living here, no worse, she corrected, like a tenant. She doesn’t feel like she’s part of a “family” and instead feels like she’s always on eggshells because she’s not allowed to do anything. She feels picked on because she wants to bring friends over, do things in the kitchen, watch TV, do laundry, and feels like she’s constantly being told not to. She said the laundry thing the other night was “the last straw” because she thought, ‘Great, I can’t even do laundry anymore?’ She said she hasn’t been around and yes she does come home late, but that’s because she doesn’t WANT to be here. She says the baby crying affects her, too, and she wakes up at night when she hears the baby, too, and doesn’t get uninterrupted sleep through the night.
I told her that I completely understand what she’s saying and how she feels, and that her feelings are valid, but life with a newborn has everyone on eggshells, not just her. I said no one has a problem with her cooking in the kitchen, watching TV, having friends over, or doing laundry, it’s just the HOURS she chooses to do them. If she’s doing all these things after 10pm, she knows the household is asleep and it takes an hour to put a baby down, and another hour to calm her down back into sleep if she is woken up by noise. Yes, hearing a baby cry and getting your sleep interrupted is hard, having to be quiet around a baby is hard, but that’s my life 24/7. I’m well aware of how hard that is. But when she’s out all day and then does laundry cuz she absolutely has to at 10:30pm, it makes me wonder if someone sprung on her at 9:30p that she has to perform in uniform the next morning, so that she had to rush back home and wash her uniform really quickly at 10:30p.
She said that she knew she procrastinated on the washing of her uniform, which is why she didn’t argue with me, she just apologized. But even so, she doesn’t like the new lifestyle we’re imposing on her and again, she feels like she’s being targeted for criticism. She feels like she can’t do anything without someone telling her she’s too loud because the baby’s sleeping. (The problem is that if she chooses to only come home after 10:15p nightly, then just about everything IS too loud for that hour.) She says she’s a college student and she WANTS to have her friends over and she WANTS to be able to watch TV or whatever late (she sold the TV in her room for Haiti money so she watches now in the living room). Last night, for example, she had her new bf over from 10p-12a. He’s super-good about staying quiet, tho, so I never heard them. So basically, she’s resentful that she has to live in a household where the lifestyle has changed to accommodate a newborn, and she doesn’t want to change her lifestyle to make it suitable to what’s going on in the house.
She said she’s already talked to her mom and wants to move in with her mom.
I asked if her mom was upset. She said not at all, her mom said that this is just how life is with new parents of a new baby. Her mom thinks the stepdaughter will just “get over it” and encouraged her not to move out, but said that if she wanted to go stay with her mom for a week, that she could do that. So the stepdaughter is going to move in with her mom for a week at some point this week as a “trial” to see if it would work for her, “and then maybe you guys can get a live-in nanny or something.”
I told her that this is up to her and she can do whatever she wants, but that it was important for her to understand that we’re not kicking her out. She nodded. I told her I need her to also know that I don’t think badly of her, she’s not a bad person and even earlier yesterday I’ve thought about how lucky I am that she is a wonderful person. I acknowledged that she hasn’t changed or done anything differently from before the baby, but I understand what she’s saying and I agree that that her lifestyle is just not compatible with the necessarily changed lifestyle in the house right now and yes, it’s causing everyone to get a little resentful. I said that yes, a live-in nanny would be great, but not at the expense of losing her. I meant that as in, losing a relationship with her, not as in I’m not letting her move out, I hope she understood that. I got teary-eyed and she reached out for my hand. Then she said she loved me and I said I loved her, too.

After that, she seemed to come around. She probably felt good she got the communication out. She said she and the bf (who came over w/o her telling me, at least, but I left it alone at that point) were walking to Subway, would we like anything? Mr. W and I both declined, and they left in good spirits, returned in good spirits, even watched a little of the Superbowl with Mr. W. Then the bf left for a bit, then came back later as I found out the next morning (that’s how quiet he is!).

I asked her later in the evening, after I put the baby down, when she was planning to go to her mom’s. She said maybe tomorrow (today). I said this is probably a great week to go because the baby’s sick. Allie definitely has the sniffles, and I’ve been using the bulb aspirator on her. (Thankfully, she doesn’t appear to mind being “deboogerized” much. She usually smiles after I suction.) I’d meant that the baby would probably be fussy from being uncomfortable, but the stepdaughter took it as it’s a great time to avoid catching something herself. I’m not sure if she still wants to move out, but I’m torn between hoping to have a room free for the possibility of a live-in, getting some quiet, and having a spare room again, vs. having a damaged or at least less close relationship with her. Mr. W said it wasn’t worth worrying about because it’s not my decision anyway. When a 21 yr old adult decides she can’t tolerate living in a house with a newborn, she gets to leave. It’s not her baby, after all.

It’s not even 10:30 in the morning this sunny Sunday, and I’m ready to cry or puke or both.

The hubby had complained of a sore throat early last week, but thought it was due to his work building flooding (busted water pipe, seeped down 3 floors and apparently the building had to be evacuated for awhile) and whatever genius’ solution it was to put up giant fans all over the place to dry up the carpeting. Old building + mildew/mold spores + dust + fans = messed up throat and hacking. It didn’t get better, and he started coughing more and has been blowing his nose like crazy. So we thought, secondary infection due to earlier allergic reaction? And then I found out that lots of people from his building are sick and there’s something going around. So now we’re scared he’s actually sick and the baby is going to catch it. He said it’s horrible, it’s a head cold and feels like it’s settled into his chest. He can’t breathe and has a headache, so if that hits Allie, she wouldn’t be able to breastfeed or suck on a pacifier. Plus she’s so young and I don’t know how her immune system would combat something like this. I know Mr. W is pretty miserable.

Also, living with the stepdaughter has become very hard on me. She’s an easy-going wonderful person and just does her own thing, but her own thing isn’t very compatible with the life I now have because of a newborn. For example, she invited friends over without telling us. It was something I just sorta dealt with before because that’s how her parents have allowed it, but one time I was in the living room breastfeeding and a car pulled up and a guy walked up to our front door. If the door opens, I have nowhere to hide and my boob was hanging out. I freaked. Mr. W told her someone was at the door and asked if she knew about it; turned out she’d invited this guy over but didn’t tell us. She went and got him and let him in through the garage straight into her bedroom so that his path didn’t cross the living room, but I was really upset. Mr. W and I fought about it, his feeling was that her life shouldn’t have to change just for me because she lives here, too and has a “right” to have her friends over; I felt that she should’ve had the courtesy to get permission or give a heads up. He agreed I could talk to her, so I did. She was very understanding and we agreed she didn’t need permission per se, but should let us know. She’s held that up without exception since.
But other things she’s not aware of are harder for me to deal with, such as her noise level; she’s not aware of how much her voice on the phone or her doing things in the kitchen carries up the house. She comes home late, enters through the garage, and the garage door opening/closing underneath Allie’s room makes me jump and sometimes makes the baby jump. Mr. W said altho she parks in the driveway, it’s easier to come in through the garage because she doesn’t have to worry about finding her housekeys. I’ve never said anything to her about the garage thing, but because having a new baby makes new moms very light sleepers, I keep being woken up and would check the baby monitor to make sure Allie either didn’t wake up, or would go back to sleep on her own.
Last night, the baby went to sleep at around 9pm. The house was dark, Mr. W was asleep in bed and I was next to him, trying to fall asleep. As I was finally starting to doze off, the garage door opened and I jumped and woke up. It was about 10:15pm and the stepdaughter had come home. Then 10 minutes later, I heard her start doing laundry! I was livid. The washing machine was so noisy and I know that Allie, if napping, would always wake up and jump when the washing machine changed phases from spin to wash. I sat there a few minutes in disbelief and checked the baby monitor. I saw Allie kick around when the machine started to spin, and when it got REALLY loud, I stormed downstairs and turned off the washer. The stepdaughter opened her bedroom door and walked out to see what was going on. I said, my voice actually shaking with anger, “Can we not do laundry this late?”
She said, “It’s only 10:30!”
That made me see red. I told her “only 10:30” may be early by the hours she keeps, and that’s fine, but when she’s in a household where everyone’s asleep, the house is dark, and there’s a baby that she knows is put to sleep early and is a light sleeper, 10:30 is too late to be making this much noise. It keeps me from sleeping and I already don’t get enough sleep as it is. I was going to have to get up for a 2am feeding soon, I’m trying to sleep in between, and I have to get up early. I’m unable to nap in the day. She said that she HAS to do the laundry now because she has an event early in the morning she has to attend while wearing a uniform she’s washing. I said she should’ve washed that uniform earlier. She said she wasn’t home earlier (well, duh). I said she could’ve done it before she went out. And really, she could’ve come home earlier, or done it yesterday. But I see that she’s right, because she procrastinated, she HAS to get the laundry done right now, so I turned the washing machine back on. But I was really, really pissed. I told her I understood what she’s saying about the uniform, fine, but this is causing me to not be able to sleep. She apologized, and then I apologized for my tone. I told her to ignore my tone, I’m just really angry right now. Implicit was the message to not ignore my words.
After I went back to bed, I still laid there unable to sleep, hearing the squeaking, rumbling, rushing, humming of the washing machine. Mr. W rolled over and said, “If you weren’t so neurotic you could get to sleep! The baby’s fine, and you already addressed it, so just go to sleep!” I nearly hit the roof. There’s noise downstairs that shouldn’t be occurring, and it was keeping me from the few valuable hours of sleep I could get, and I’m NEUROTIC for being unable to sleep through it? I turned on the TV in the bedroom for the first time since Allie’s been born. The TV used to put me to sleep but I haven’t watched it in my insomnia times out of consideration to Mr. W because the TV keeps him from sleeping well. Mr. W grabbed some pillows and went to sleep downstairs on the couch. Seeing Allie kick around on the baby monitor, I was afraid the TV was still getting to her room so I turned it off and eventually fell asleep. I had nightmares of Mr. W and I fighting, of him asking me something and my response being just to give him the bird. And then in the nightmare, I realize, if we were out there fighting, who’s watching the baby? I rushed back to the hotel room where the baby was sleeping and saw paramedics coming out, bringing people on stretchers covered with white sheets from head to toe. I was relieved to see there was no baby-sized shape on any stretcher. And then I woke up at 4am hearing the stepdaughter turn on the clothes dryer.

This morning I explained to Mr. W that biologically, a new mother becomes a light sleeper. It’s hard enough being sleep-deprived and caring for a newborn, but it’s harder when I have to deal with another person who keeps late hours and does things that are incompatible with the new life I have to lead. I realize she didn’t change, but I had to, and it’s not working well for me. It’s an additional stressor that none of my other friends with newborns have to worry about. On top of that, when he tells me it’s my problem and calls me neurotic, it makes it even more stressful for me. He looked angry, but didn’t say anything. I just wanted him to understand and to not insult me and call me names when I’m already down.

Weirdly, Allie skipped her middle-of-the-night feeding last night and after her 7:40p feeding, the next time she ate was 5:40a. I guess she really was tired or something. She went back to sleep and woke up for the morning at 8:30a. In the free moments I had, I had to do my own laundry and Allie’s, but opened the washing machine to see that once again, the stepdaughter left her laundry half-done in there and had left the house. I usually finish her laundry for her and put it in her room, and I know her dad does the same when he needs to wash clothes and sees her stuff in there. I asked Mr. W what I should do. He looked really peeved and put her wet clothes from the washer into the dryer. Now I’m waiting for her clothes to dry so that I could put my load into the dryer and start Allie’s load.

Mr. W is upstairs having quarantined himself in the bedroom, watching TV. I know he’s upset at me for being upset about his 21 yr old daughter, and I feel like I want to restore peace, but don’t know how except to apologize. And yet, I don’t see anything I have to apologize for. I want to go up and talk to him again, try to smooth things over, get him to understand, but I know he’ll just see it as my harping on the same thing over and over again when he just wants to not talk about it or think about it anymore. As a female, not talking about it is not a resolution to me and I want a resolution. Allie was fussy when I tried to put her down for her morning nap and was making odd noises from her nose, so I used the nasal aspirator bulb and pulled out a bunch of mucus. I hope she’s not sick, and I’m stressed about that, too. AND, my cell phone which is my lifeline to the outside world has stopped updating. I noticed yesterday I hadn’t gotten any new emails and since last nite I haven’t gotten any texts. I checked email on the PC and I do have new email, so my phone isn’t receiving and syncing. Everything feels like it’s blowing up around me. I haven’t eaten or drank anything yet today.

I had my appointment with the Psychiatry Dept this morning. Mr. W stayed home with Allie after he put her to nap on the couch.

I filled out a 4-page questionnaire and a guy named Ben came and got me, and we talked in his office. He basically validated all of my feelings, didn’t think they were out of line or crazy. He doesn’t think I have actual clinical OCD, altho he mentioned something called “mother’s OCD” or something like that, which is when new moms suddenly go on a compulsive need to tidy up and clean house constantly, or become hyper-vigilant about cleanliness in general, especially around or regarding their child. He didn’t even think an episode I had last nite, which Mr. W felt was very OCD, was anything other than “you were just pissed.” (Allie had another odd 2am feeding, and after I fed her, I realized the stepdaughter had left the light on downstairs when she went to bed so I had to go down and turn it off. Then I saw a wadded up blanket she’d left on the couch. That got me in a cyclical angry thought about all the stuff she’d left laying around in the past couple of weeks, how many things I’d had to put away for her after leaving them there for 3 days to give her a chance to clean them up herself, and because we’d talked to her about her need to pick up after herself and because she had agreed and understood and then talked about how she goes to her new bf’s place and cleans up after him and his roommates all the time, and because she’d offered before to “help out more” around our house and didn’t, I was FUMING. I kept thinking of how she sleeps in every morning and can’t even take 5 seconds to put her stuff away from the common areas and I wake up at 4a and have to do it one-handedly while holding an infant, and the conversation I WANT to have with her regarding this. Allie had rolled over after her feeding and miraculously went out like a light within a minute or two, but I laid in bed unable to take advantage of it for 3+ hours. Mr. W woke up and asked what the problem was, and I unloaded. He patted me and gently said this is stuff I need to tell the therapist in the morning, that I’m way too upset about stuff that’s way too insignificant, but I got worse and worse until I was sobbing. He got up and tidied up downstairs in the wee hours despite my protest and I was left in the dark alone with my guilt, tears, and an iPad showing the solidly sleeping form of Allie.) Ben said the stepkidlet acts in a way that could be considered disrespectful to the household and that she’s simply unaware of how to be more considerate in a home with a newborn. He said I can simply talk to her and let her in on how I feel about having to pick up after her, or have her dad talk to her. (When I returned home, turned out Mr. W had already talked to her in my absence, which is great cuz I don’t want to bring up a freakin blanket and some shoes and seasoning and fork like it’s the end of the world, despite how dramatically I reacted to it.) As for the crying, inability to make decisions or project forward into the future, inability to feel bonded to Allie or “enjoy” her, walking on eggshells around the baby, he said it’s normal hormonal stuff with “baby brain.” Re my guilt about ruining Mr. W’s life, he said it’s Mr. W’s baby, too, and that when Mr. W offers help, to let him help and take the baby and to allow the father the opportunity to bond with his child. (Yes, Flip Flop Girl had already said as much in a comment before.) Even if Mr. W doesn’t offer to help, it’s okay to ask for his help so that I could take a shower or use the restroom or something. He said there’s no guilt in that. The only time I should feel guilt is when I deliberately hurt or plan to hurt someone, myself or the baby, which is not the case here. He said I’m not giving myself credit for the things I’m doing well with the baby, and that nothing I do or feel this first year is my “fault.”

I didn’t expect someone to justify all of my feelings and reactions. It made me feel like I’d wasted my time there.

And in the end, he referred me to a female therapist he thought would be a good fit for me to talk to and made me an appointment on Valentine’s Day. I was hesitant because I didn’t have baby care and didn’t want Mr. W to take another day off for my appointment. Ben said if I can’t find baby care, to take her along. I was concerned it would be disruptive to her routine. He got quiet. I asked if he felt that it was important or beneficial to me and my baby’s care to go to therapy. He said he really did, so I finally agreed. My mom has offered to take a day off to care for Allie, and I’d accepted. (“There’s nothing a grandparent can do that would permanently affect an infant,” he said regarding my concern she may not do what I would do when caring for Allie.)

On my way out, I asked if there’s any way to document this for work. He said sure, the therapist he put me with for the next appointment can set all that up, refer me to a psychiatrist who could do an psychological evaluation on me, and then set me up for an extra month off on disability. So there are more hoops to jump through, and now I was more confused. I need to be referred by the next person to a psychiatrist? Then who is Ben? Who’s the next person? How many more therapy sessions would I need to sit through to get something to show work so that I could use paid sick days and take that additional stressor off my plate?

Just now I checked Kaiser’s website for my past-visit information. It says Ben is a MFT. What’s that? Mother-effing trainee? I didn’t mean that, he was very nice. And it says my diagnosis is “Adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and depressed.” Can I just print that out and fax that to work? Cuz I’m not ENJOYing feeling like this, as effective as it is in dropping 40 lbs in 2 months.

P.S. As I was finishing the post, the stepdaughter came back into the house through the garage, went straight to the restroom then her room, closed the door behind her, and in half an hour or so left again through the garage. Even tho she could see me at the computer, she didn’t come by or say a word. I’m feeling guilty like she’s upset at me for the talk she had with her dad this morning, but that’s ridiculous because I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m going to tell myself that if she’s offended that I’m unhappy picking up after her, then that’s not my problem. I still folded her towels from the laundry and placed them on her chair in her bedroom.

Went back to my parents’ home for the first time since Allie was born. Some relatives met us there yesterday. I brought Allie to meet Grace’s parents (5 houses up from my parents’, but they’re moving to NorCal soon). All the adults were charmed. She’s charming when she’s out. She smiles, coos, flaps her limbs for the audience. She collected lots of red envelopes, which made me feel guilty. She also napped on her tummy on my parents’ couch for 2.5 hours, then poopied afterwards as I fed her. She was great at her second Gymboree class today, too. She’s not like this at home except for the hour after she wakes up around 8am (during which she charms me with her smiles, singing along to my singing to her with coos).

Mornings are still hard and stressful. Naptimes are worse. I cry nearly every naptime as I can’t get her to stop crying and go to sleep for more than 3 minutes at a time. She’s taking longer and requiring more intervention to go to sleep at night and in her early morning feedings, too. Awareness, I suppose.

Right now Mr. W had put her to sleep on a cushion in the living room on her tummy and they’re napping together. I tried that tummy thing earlier this afternoon and failed and went nearly deaf in a ear as a consequence. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to do anything. Even something I took for granted, breastfeeding, nearly put me to tears in two afternoon feedings as she pulled away after a few sucks and cried “leh.” I have milk, so I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m scared to do the frantic research I did with baby sleep, because that had messed me up so badly, put me in a tailspin, gave me more things to worry about, feel inadequate at accomplishing, confused me with more conflicting theories and tactics.

I’m looking forward to my first psych appointment on Thursday.

If I cried uncle, will Allie hear me?

~ Watching My Baby Daughter on the Babycam ~
Unexpectedly
You smile sweetly in your sleep
And I smile right back
10:18p 1-26-12

Allie seems to have some trouble settling into sleep. She kicks around and sucks on her fists for awhile first. It used to be a minute or two; now it seems like half an hour. Even after her middle-of-the-night feedings which thankfully is only one during early morning (between 4 and 6am), she doesn’t go right back to sleep anymore. It takes her 10 minutes or more during which I watch her anxiously as I pump behind the feeding. This morning, I had to go back in mid-pumping and feed her on the other side because she started fretting after being put down despite not being awake enough to take the other side the first go-round. But she did have her last feeding last night at 8:20p-ish, fell asleep finally around 9:30p, then didn’t wake for her next feeding until 5:45a-ish. Sounds like a good night of sleep, but I had insomnia. Mr. W was snoring next to me, the cat was asleep, the baby was asleep, and I laid there counting down the hours I had left to sleep before her next waking. I wondered about herbal teas and whether they stained teeth like regular tea. I wrote haikus in my head looking at her tummy going up and down on the baby monitor. Then at 10:45p, the stepdaughter came home. She has a habit now of coming in by opening the garage door which is right under the baby’s room even tho she doesn’t park in the garage, so it makes me jump and anxious to see if the garage opening and closing woke the baby up (it usually doesn’t unless the door between the garage and house slams). The garage door didn’t seem to wake Allie up, but the conversation the stepkidlet held on her cell phone in a normal [daytime] volume of voice as she walked in the house, followed by the bathroom and bedroom doors closing downstairs, did. The baby fell right back to sleep but I was laying there stuck listening to the conversation in the dark downstairs about some discussion held about drugs as the stepkidlet walked around the kitchen talking. As soon as she went back into her room and closed the door, her voice was muffled enough for me to finally fall asleep. I wish we had more carpeting downstairs for noise control. *sigh*

Mr. W suggested that maybe now that Allie’s sleeping better and longer through the night, I’m more rested so I’m less tired. Maybe. But I still took a long time to fall back asleep after Mr. W got up at 4am, since I still expected the baby to be up at that time. She wasn’t. So I laid there listening to his kitchen noises, occasionally checking the baby monitor. She slept through it all, it seemed. She usually sleeps through Dodo’s yowling now. (Not meowing, the loud echoing deep “owwwl” he does repeatedly right outside her door after he eats. I still don’t know why he does that.) I’ve been able to cut the yowling down by turning on my cell phone in the dark and flashing it in his direction. It distracts him and makes him aware there’s someone there so he stops the howls. I finally fell asleep after Mr. W left the house, but had nightmares of showering at my old bathroom at my parents’ house, knowing I was alone, and noticing suddenly that a darkness was creeping over the bathroom. The door to the bathroom was opening, and I thought quickly for a rational reason like the cat, but I knew Dodo wasn’t at that house. I freaked out and tried to scream. Then I woke up, saw it was past 5:15am, checked the baby on the monitor, saw she was well asleep still. And then I worried that she was sleeping TOO long and would throw off her schedule. I’m a headcase.