cindy's world

So Mr. W’s renter’s wife, Jayne (turned out it’s not “Jane,” it’s “Jayne,” which is so much prettier) came over to meet Allie. She came by yesterday afternoon when my parents were here. (My mom insisted on coming over because I didn’t respond to her texts on Wednesday and she didn’t know what was going on so she thought I was out doing something “foolish” and was freaking out.) I thanked her and hugged her at the door. As soon as she walked in, the entire energy was SO different. I didn’t really think about it, but I guess I wasn’t ever actually happy and relieved to see Laura. Maybe it was cuz she was usually a little bit late. And I didn’t realize there were so many MORE red flags with Laura until Jayne. For example, when Jayne came over, Allie was napping and I showed her cameras on the monitor. She immediately did this “Aww!” thing and I thought, “Hmm, I didn’t get that from Laura.” When I showed Jayne our bedroom and Dodo was napping in the closet, she melted in an “Aww!” again and went over to see if she could greet Dodo. Which made me realize that Laura in our bedroom had barely glanced at Dodo, altho she said she’d always had cats and grown up with cats, and knowing about Dodo’s kidney disease, Laura had said, “Now, he’s going to start having ‘accidents.’ I’d hate to see that ruin your nice carpeting. So maybe I can fence him in right here,” motioning blocking off the tile section of our master bathroom, which is like 8 square feet. What? You’re going to come in here and confine my cat in our bathroom? He’s already only in the bedroom. Who the heck do you think you are? Seeing my hesitation, she said, “Okay, maybe I’ll just close the bedroom door, then.” When Allie woke from the nap and I went to get her, Jayne melted and said, “She’s such a mix of both of you!” and kind of respectfully walked around with me smiling at Allie, and then later, asked, “Can I hold her?” Laura had just kind of come in and picked her up and held her as if she owned the place. I’d thought at the time, “Great, she’s comfortable here,” but knowing what I know now, she was totally audacious and bossy. Also, remembering how Laura was practically pushing us to evict Jayne and her family and get paying renters in there so that we can get better income to pay Laura and pay for her health insurance, I now realize, “What the heck. These are OUR major life decisions, she’s known us a WEEK, she doesn’t know the relationship we have with our renters and Mr. W had already told her they are good people and we like them, who is she to tell us what to do?” She told me how to feel, too. When I was a mess on Wednesday cuz my intuition was screaming at me, Laura had said, seeing my discomfort, “I think you should be pleased. Everything went really well here.” I watched my daughter screaming and crying in her crib to the point where she was rolling over. Rebecca said yesterday, “She’s YOUR daughter. She has intuition, too.” Jayne asked me how I do things, and wanted to watch me so she could learn how I want things done, listened carefully to me, kept saying she wanted ME to be comfortable. Laura, on the last aggravating phone call in which I disclosed how uncomfortable I had been, argued, “*I* was VERY comfortable.” It was such a difference. Allie seemed GREAT with her, too.

Today, Jayne came over in the morning as a trial run. She and her husband had talked and figured out how to work the ride situation. Having her help us out had come up long before at her husband’s suggestion, and at that time, I was instantly happy and at ease, so relieved picturing this, but when I’d called her and she’d said it wasn’t possible because she had to drive her daughters to school and work, I’d been disappointed and nearly in tears again. This was before the nanny sites, before Susanne. She and I talked a long time then and she’d been trying to find people from her church and social circle to help me, but nothing long-term or full-time came from her leads. Now suddenly, very recently and unexpectedly, her older daughter got her license, and they just got her a used car. She suddenly was able to do this, and she found herself suggesting this to her husband when he told her about his meeting with Mr. W over the rent issue, thinking, “I can’t believe I’m suggesting this, and feeling completely at peace with it.” So they decided they could rideshare, drop him off at his work on the way to our place, and the younger daughter that needed a ride to school could get it from her boyfriend, or a neighbor friend and they could even pay the neighbor a little gas money. Her husband said that getting in to work at 6am is a good thing for him because then he could take calls from the east coast and midwest clients, pick up more business that way. Things totally just lined up to where even Jayne was amazed. (My dad noted that this was a major personality difference: Laura wanted us to cater to HER needs and wants, even to our detriment, and was ungrateful and demanding; Jayne and her husband were trying to figure out how to arrange their lives and routines to accommodate us and our needs because they appreciated us and wanted truly to help, and were turning an inconvenient situation into a blessing, i.e. the time difference working to the husband’s advantage.)

So today, the husband dropped Jayne off at our place, and came by later on to pick her up. She spent a day with me, and did EVERYTHING, including putting Allie down for her noon and afternoon naps. Allie cried for 10 minutes during the soothing, and then fell asleep on Jayne. When Jayne put her into her crib, she awoke cried for about 10 seconds, then settled into a peaceful nap that lasted an hour and 45 mins. Jayne was scared I’d be dying downstairs watching the monitor while Allie was crying, so after awhile of the crying, she came out and said, “Do you think something is wrong?” I said no, she just needed to be held a little lower so her head has somewhere to lean. After that, it was fine. I saw that as Allie was crying in the crib, Jayne was torn about whether to pick her up and resoothe her, so I ran up and motioned Jayne to come out of the bedroom and let Allie settle on her own. I was totally at peace thru the whole thing, unlike when Laura was doing it and I was watching Allie go into hysterics in her crib and I lost it crying in the car on Wednesday. I knew intuitively it was fine, and told Jayne her protest crying is going to be shorter and shorter each time until she got used to Jayne, it’s not a problem. The afternoon nap, Allie cried for FOUR minutes during the soothing, and maybe 30 seconds in the crib after she fell asleep and was transferred, and this time Jayne knew to come out and let Allie settle. Allie settled and napped an hour and a half, very long for her afternoon nap. She even had two poopies. The chart for today looks BEAUTIFUL. Jayne and I also had great chats, getting to know each other better during Allie’s naps. I chatted with Laura during Allie’s naps, too, but I always felt slightly uncomfortable, and forcing myself to kind of make an effort to act friendly, even tho in the back of my head I was already feeling guarded.

Rebecca called me to check up on me yesterday, and she had said that the energy with Jayne was “right,” and that as two couples, we’d be good friends in maybe 6 months. She said Laura didn’t respect us, but Jayne saw me as an equal except she would defer to me as Allie’s mom and would do things the way I would want her to. That certainly turned out to be true, from napping to bottle-washing. I didn’t even realize that Laura never asked me stuff about how I wanted the bottles and nipples cleaned until Jayne asked me and watched me clean a bottle to see the attention I gave the nipple and how I used the nipple brush hidden inside of the bottle brush handle. I had noted that the nipples of the bottles that Laura washed were hazy and I had rewashed everything. Now I’m thinking she just rinsed them; she never even asked me where the dishwashing soap was.

So I’m totally comfortable and at ease now. I’m looking forward to work on Monday, as much as I may be crying in the car on the way there, not because I’d be scared or nervous about Allie at home, only because I’d miss her.

Tomorrow we’re meeting up with Jayne and her husband in the afternoon to discuss placing a value on this arrangement. They were thinking her working as our nanny could partially pay for each month’s rent, but their total monthly rent is actually well LESS than what we would’ve been paying Laura monthly. I’m happy with her care covering their entire rent each month, and still giving her paid holidays and vacations.

It took me almost 3 hours to fall asleep last nite, and Allie had a 4am awakening and feeding, and that took me another hour to start to doze afterwards, so Mr. W’s alarm woke me up right when I started to doze after that, and the snooze alarm after that. I got about 3 hours of sleep.

I really loved the first Kindercare I visited; they had a brand new infant room as they’d just switched the infants who were there into the toddler room (they “graduated”) and were accepting a new class of infants. It was new cribs, new sheets, new mattresses, new everything. I met the director and the infant room teacher, and they were very loving, professional, and knew a LOT about kids. The director had 25 years of experience and the teacher had 8. There were kids around and they knew everything about those toddlers, what each cry meant, what they needed with a certain behavior. They interacted with the kids, no TV, all age-appropriate and developmental activities. They say it takes the average baby Allie’s age about 3 days to adjust and then the napping goes on according to the baby’s routine and scheduled provided; they’re not conformed to a routine for the location. Teacher-infant ratio is 1 to 4 so they had room for 1 more. Their first new infant goes in mid-month, with an addition of another one each week afterwards for 3. The place was sparkling and their system seemed amazing. I was surprised how much they provided — sippy cups, etc. And it was going to cost less than $320/week for a 5-day plan, less for 3 days and 1 day plans.

I tearfully forewarned Laura before I left (so little time because she came a few mins late again and I had to be at the Kindercare at 10) that Mr. W’s conversation with the renters the day before was not good and it looks very likely that we would have to put Allie in daycare. It was extremely uncomfortable to leave Allie with Laura just those few hours. I checked the cam once and Allie was still down for the morning nap that I’d put her in. Once more, didn’t see anyone and the baby was no longer in her crib. I checked it again on the way home from the bank and saw Laura soothing her in her room, and was surprised because it had barely been over an hour since she woke up. At a red light, saw Allie doing the same thing that happened last time when Laura tried to nap her — Allie was rolling over and crying, unable to soothe herself in the rolled over position. She did not do that when I napped her, she went peacefully, and this likely isn’t Laura’s fault, it was just different for Allie. But I lost it. I was in hysterics. And I also knew I couldn’t do it with Laura. When I arrived home, Allie was laying listlessly in her crib with her eyes open, but soon fell asleep in a different position for her. I tried to gently tell Laura what was going on and the direction headed toward. I explained the financial impossiblity of having her. I wanted to spare her of all my “red flags” about her because there was no point adding insult to injury, I thought, and it was all a moot point anyhow as we can not pay a nanny, especially what she’s demanding of us. And I paid her in cash the hours she’d been at the house for the past 3 days.

The problem with that is that she obviously tried to salvage her job, so she tried to convince me to evict the renters, to keep her on for a few months in case things got better, to try to turn my prior words against me about how Susanne flaked on me and I said I wouldn’t do that to someone else but here I am in that position. I told her no decision was made, I was telling her where things are as soon as possible so that she could put herself out there and not cancel out on other potential jobs, etc. She said she was already committed to this job so it was too late (altho she again didn’t say anything about Saddleback so I think she’s still potentially a hire there). It was uncomfortable and her daughter stopped by while I was still in tears to go with her to their plans. She left soon after because it was apparent I needed to be alone.

I put Allie to a nap around 3p and Laura called me again from there. She wanted to negotiate and threw at me all kinds of things designed to guilt me into keeping her on at least for the month. Given the stuff she was saying, I became less and less inclined to deal with her and felt increasingly uncomfortable by the way she was trying to verbally back me into a corner. I told her I’d talk to Mr. W about her offer and get back to her that evening, but it was a loooong pressure-filled conversation.

Mr. W’s daughter came over with her boyfriend for dinner (she hadn’t been around for a few weeks) and I put Allie to bed, after which, and after many chats with Rebecca with her saying I must cut Laura off immediately because this was going to get worse and I can’t keep her for a month because this is just the beginning of her true colors, I made the call. It was basically her berating me for an hour about what a horrible person and hypocrite and liar and bad mother I am, altho she never used those words. She demanded to know how I could do this given that Susanne did it to me; I tried to explain that Susanne took a better deal for herself, whereas I was in an unexpected situational change and my baby comes first. I did have to tell her how I was uncomfortable with the month because I’d wondered about her priorities being her kids over Allie, which is a good thing for her and I hope to be as good a mother as she is, but bad for me as Allie’s mother. I need to think about the baby’s needs first. She said “Wow, I guess I shouldn’t be honest and tell people about my relationship with my daughters.” It was a lot of comments like that, it sounded like she couldn’t understand or accept what I was saying, didn’t see anything wrong on her end re my feeling insecure about the fact that she wasn’t there as much as I needed during a transition (she said that in every baby book, it says the transition shouldn’t be long, and should be as short as possible, so she already had felt that a week was unnecessary and that a couple days at most was best, but she imposed that on me, not the other way around, and she’d never communicated that. either way, she ought to do it the way *I* need to be comfortable, not the way SHE wanted), said that I had to understand SHE was going thru a transition with HER kids as well cuz when she starts the job she wouldn’t be around for her daughters as much. (They’re grown! And they were allowed to visit!) I was basically passive and explained the things she demanded of me, listened to her rail me and I simply told her I understood how she felt, but that I didn’t feel I have the time she seems to, to drag this on another month at her request. I didn’t feel like I could handle a month of limbo and then another transition after Allie got attached to her. She claimed Allie woudln’t have problems transitioning, so I should allow HER the courtesy of a minimum 2-week notice before termination. I said this isn’t a corporate job situation, this is my baby. She said she would’ve at LEAST done that for ME and I was going back on my word of our agreement. I said we were in a transitional, pre-trial period, it wasn’t to the point of agreement yet, but she disagreed. Besides, after all the berating, I KNEW I could not be comfortable leaving my precious baby alone all day for weeks with her while I was helpless an hour away at work. “I’m just so SURPRISED at your BEHAVIOR,” she kept saying. In the same tone she had said during negotiations, “Well, don’t YOU get paid when you take vacation?” to say why we should pay her full base pay plus any overtime on days of our vacation and her vacation. It ended with her demanding how I could do this, why, how was I different from Susanne? Didn’t like what I said, said we were going in circles, cried, and then hung up on me.

She has my sleep book, and I don’t want to get it back from her.

I had a loooooong talk with Rebecca after that. Rebecca strongly supports me and doesn’t feel I did anything wrong; of course Allie had to come first, and Laura was the beginning of bad news. If she was that demanding already, and controlled things in a way that I was uncomfortable with so immediately, it was going to get worse if she stayed and had a month to attach more — even to the point of lawsuit. Right now, because she’d only been on part-time for 3 days, the courts would see her as just a temporary babysitter who got proper compensation for her time. We were not in a contract period; we weren’t past the tryout period, and I DID give her early notice as soon as I knew things had changed; I didn’t stall her in the dark for a month just to get some use out of her and then say it wasn’t working when I had other things in place. Rebecca found her controlling behavior, and the things she said to me over 3 long conversations to be “appalling,” said I was manipulated, and asked me to put myself in Laura’s shoes; would I tell a new boss or a new judge I’m working for, “You want me in when? No, I’m going to come in later. No, I won’t be in that day, I’m going do spend time with my daughter instead.” Nope, especially not the beginning. And I certainly wouldn’t guilt him for having a problem with it afterwards. She basically feels wronged, and I get that. But to protect Allie, I can NOT have someone like this alone with her. Besides, she was due to take Allie back to her place next Wednesday when the cleaners are here, and we never got the invitation to her place nor do we have her address, all of which were supposed to be covered in the 1st transition week which she blew off.

Last night, I still felt rotten. I hope to get over it very soon.

Nanny Laura came over yesterday and spent half the day with us. She does seem to adore Allie and was trying to get the feel for our routine so far. When Allie went down for her nap, we talked about the terms of her employment. There were several points we had to negotiate and I think we’ve reached a compromise on all of them.
* She wants her average day’s pay (which includes any overtime) on holidays that she’s getting off. We asked to just pay her base time. We ended up agreeing to her request.
* She wants 10 days of vacation a year, to start accruing immediately, and wants to be able to use them immediately. We wanted to abide by the typical rule of her being able to use 10 days vacation a year starting with her 2nd year of employment. The compromise: she starts accruing immediately and can use those days immediately, but if she takes a 5 day vacation in the summer (like she wants) but has only 2 days accrued, she’s not getting paid for the other 3. But then she suggested getting paid as an “advance” on her vacation days, and Mr. W agreed. So pretty much she’s getting what she asked.
* She wants health insurance, but it’s expensive at $400/month from her estimate. The compromise: She pays for it on her own, but once Mr. W’s renters start paying their rent regularly, knowing it could take 6-8 months, we pitch in for half. This was her idea of a compromise, and we agreed. She felt bad that Mr. W is 5 figures in the hole from lack of rent collected but still paying mortgage on the place.
* On days when we don’t need her (such as when we have vacation or are home for a day to take Allie to a doctor’s appointment) but that she’s able to work, she wants full pay, including any overtime she would’ve worked had we needed her. We offered her half. She said she needed regular income for her financial stability and refused to take any cut due to our not needing her. This was troublesome, considering we used to take 4 weeks of vacation a year, so including holidays and her own 2 weeks of paid vacation, we’re basically paying her for something like 2+ months when she’s not even here. So my offer of compromise, which everyone agreed to, was that on days when we don’t need her but that she’s willing and able to work (not including her vacation or holidays), we can “bank” it as “credit” with her. She gets paid for these days with the understanding that on an agreed-upon Saturday or a holiday that she otherwise would’ve had off, she’d come and take Allie for some time without charging extra, so Mr. W and I can have a date, or go see a movie, or go have a meal, go to the gym, etc. That way, she would roughly be working the same number of hours annually that we’re willing to pay her for, but with the days rearranged.

Rebecca has said that she’s very professional, and I’ve found that to be true in her requested work benefits. Most nannies don’t make all these requests, and health care? Really? We’re not corporate employers. So I feel a little disgruntled that she has so many demands that are out of the ordinary for nannies, altho I also feel that her demands are not unreasonable for someone taking employment. She’s never done the nanny thing before so she’s treating this as she would a regular corporate job, altho she makes allowances keeping in mind that it’s not a matter of bargaining with a company, we’re people who are still trying to survive and we have physical limits on what we are ABLE to pay her, it’s not a matter of what we’re WILLING to pay her.

She looked very relieved when she left and gave me a hug, and I’ll type up the agreement at some point (I gave her a copy of our notes and terms). But we still have the understanding that the first few weeks are “trial;” if she finds she can’t survive on what she says is a paycut from what she’s used to, or we find that we can’t afford to pay what we’d agreed upon thus far, we’ll have to figure something else out. I’m thinking the “something else” is going to be daycare. I’m just so sick of this, and I’m totally stressed over how we’re going to do the week she wants off in the summer so she could vacation with her kids. If there were someone out there who knows Allie’s routine who come stay with her for a week, we wouldn’t need a nanny to begin with. Maybe I could take a personal day, Mr. W could take another personal day, and my mom could take the other 3. But she’d have to be here at 6:30a and it’s a long drive. *sigh* I feel like I should be relieved with a nanny in place (like I was with Susanne, who in retrospect was giving us a hell of a deal), not more stressed, like I am. I’m hoping Laura “proves herself” in the next few days so that I’d feel more comfortable, because right now altho I feel like her heart is in the right place with baby care, she’s rusty. She did offer to take the sleep book (“Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” by Dr. Marc Weissbluth) and read it to understand my parenting/sleeping philosophy and to “brush up” on her infant knowledge. So far, my impression of her is that her priority is her kids and she’s willing to take a lot of time off to be with them, which is great as a parent, but I’m afraid it’ll screw us as her employers. She already asked for Wednesday afternoon off of this transition week so she could go with her daughter to see a church’s Easter exhibit and run a personal errand. True there’s some flexibility since I’m still on maternity leave, but I don’t feel like she’s that concerned with our needs as much as she is with her own leisure activities. Again, fine if you’re in a corporate job, the work can wait, but in this job, we’re dealing with a human baby and parents needing to feel like they’re leaving this human baby in competent and caring hands.

So yeah, after ironing out the details with Laura, I’m still not “feeling” like she’s a fixture. It could be just angst from my imminent return to work, as Mr. W suggests, or it could be intuition again.

Rebecca got a last-minute cancellation in her readings this weekend, and immediately contacted me at 12:15p to tell me if I want, her 1-2pm appointment slot is open. I had JUST put Allie down when Mr. W said I’d missed a call from Rebecca, and when I saw the texts, he said, “I’ll watch Allie, you go ahead.” It’s almost an hour drive and I knew I’d miss half the appointment time for such a long drive, but with his encouragement, I left immediately.
I got to Rebecca’s office at 1:30p for a half-hour reading. She had prepared a gift for Allie, a 3-pack of sleep-n-plays, cute shoes, and an adorable bohemian-looking summer top and matching ruffled bottom.
There was a very important message delivered at the reading which appears to be the entire reason the universe lined up to create this opening for me to see Rebecca. I’m grateful for that. I’m also grateful for something very much needed, aside from a hug from a great friend… at the end of the reading, I asked for Rebecca to give me a picture of the future with Allie, something I can hold on to when I’m feeling bad.
She told me Allie has a great sense of humor. She develops this very young, and at age 7 or 8, when certain jokes are supposed to go over a kid’s head, Allie will get them and find them funny. She says kids are unintentionally funny and don’t realize they’re doing something that would make an adult laugh until the adult laughs. Allie will be more like, “Psst, mom, watch this,” and say something to another adult; the other adult will bust out laughing and Allie would give me a secret knowing look. At age 8. She also said Allie will be stubborn (well, she IS my kid). “Not to her detriment, I hope,” I said. She said no, but that I may just have to treat her a little more like an adult and give her options to make her feel in control of her life. Instead of “No, cuz I say so,” I may have to say, “Well, if you do this, then you can do that later on. If you don’t do this now, then when that comes up, you’re not going to be able to do it. What would you like to do?” Then I’d set the boundaries for her decisions, but she understands the logic behind the decisions, the consequences, and can choose what’s best for her. She said Allie is a WONDERFUL person, kind of an old soul, and wants to help people. She is likely to grow up and be a doctor. (I guess I’ll be saving up for med school!) I asked if this is something Allie’s soul has decided before coming here, and she said yes. I wondered what my soul wanted to do in this incarnation. She said I wanted to “know.” I wanted to “understand.” I’d known of the concept of compassion, but wanted to truly “experience” it to understand it. Well, that certainly would explain a lot of what I do and what I’ve been through, why emotional things are so tough on me, but why I want to help and be empathetic to others when they’re in need or emotional pain. My friends can vouch that I do a lot of social counseling for them. The empathic thing helps in that. Rebecca said that growing up, Allie will bring me and Mr. W a lot of laughter and a lot of joy, although I may have to let her make decisions do things that she needs/wants to do at times.

I will cherish this and hang on to it when times are tough. Having an early picture of my labor through Rebecca gave me peace and strength through my entire pregnancy and labor, and both were uncomplicated and smooth. Now when I’m afraid when Allie’s in pain or sick, having crying fits, rejecting bottles or milk or breasts or whatever phase she’s going through, I can think of the larger specific picture of Allie at 8, knowing she’ll survive the early childhood things…Allie as a young doctor, knowing she’s doing what she wants and she’s happy and safe. Knowing 2012 won’t kill us all like my uncle thinks it will if we don’t immediately sell our California properties and move more inland. =/

Thank you, Universe and God, for giving me what I need, once again.

It’s been a rough day. I’ll start chronologically, as the second part I think deserves its own post.

This morning, when Allie was napping, I opened my emails as usual, and what I read there put me in a total state of shock. I was stunned and a half-eaten apple stayed on the computer table for half a day as a bookmark in time to show when everything froze for me.

Nanny Susanne and I had been corresponding via email and sometimes via text through the month as she was working for the other family on a temporary, “emergency” basis. We made plans. I wrote her to tell her about Allie’s first tooth. She wrote back tips and encouragement, gave a lot of comfort. I said I can’t wait for her to come onboard in April. She said she’s excited to work for us and will be here every day from April on, smiley-face. We agreed for her to come over on Sunday, to hang out, get to know our house and the environment, we were taking her to lunch and to the lake. We were going to go shopping with Allie to a nearby mall she’d never been to (she loves shopping). And then:

Hi Cindy,
I hope everything is going well and you guys are good. Well over here everything is going well too. Remember I told you that I was working this month for someone else, it appeared that they also would like me to stay on a long term basis. I gave it some consideration and measured the two options that I have and I would really like to stay with the ones I am working for right now. This was not an easy choice but after weighting both sides I really prefer it that way. I hope you still have the chance to find someone else… I know you interviewed others too, maybe one of them could take my place… Sorry for the inconvenience.

Hope everything will work out

Are you KIDDING me? Despite being stunned, I wrote back:

Hi Susanne,

Wow. Okay. I interviewed one other person but like I told you, we preferred you over her by quite a margin. Since I thought we had an agreement, I stopped interviewing and have trusted that everything will be okay because we trusted you and thought you would be the perfect fit for us. I have been very at peace ever since you told me you agree to be Allie’s nanny. I’ve even extended my maternity leave so that I can accommodate the other family you are with, because that was how much I wanted you to work out with us. I am no longer a member of that website, because I didn’t think I’d need it anymore. Right now, with only a couple of weeks between now and the time I have to return to work, I’m left with very rushed and few options.

Thank you for your help over email the past few weeks, I’ve appreciated your feedback. If anything changes with that family, please let me know ASAP. We would still love to have the original arrangement in place. I really, really wish it could’ve worked out.

She’s been online since then, as I’ve seen her “active” on chat, but she didn’t write back. I don’t know what she could say. She KNOWS she’s screwing us because she knows I have 2 weeks until I have to return to work; and she’d called to tell me she was taking our offer, and yet emails to tell me she was backing out. She didn’t want to face me. I never saw this coming; she was beyond ethical, or so I thought. I don’t know how she could in good conscience accept another job when she has already committed to us. She wasn’t available to take that other job. I was being nice in saying it was okay for her to help this family out, even tho she was supposed to be with us part-time this month already. I was being nice to extend my maternity leave a week so that she could stay on the full month with them and then have a week to acclimate to us. And what the other family ended up doing with my being accommodating was steal our nanny. I get the sense, and Rebecca said the same thing, that they offered her more money. Mr. W considers this a “career choice” of hers; stay with someone familiar and get possibly more money, or do something new with strangers. He obviously doesn’t take it personally. But I am so stunned, and hurt, and bewildered. I feel betrayed. She and I had a friendship beginning, I thought. I could not imagine doing this to someone, and I would feel good about myself at turning down something that seems tempting, to maintain my own integrity. When I say I will do something for someone, I take my own word very seriously, often more seriously than the person I’d made the promise to.

The nanny search has to begin again. I’d let my membership on the nanny site expire, thinking we had someone, and it’ll be another $100 to sign up again. I called Nanny Fernanda, the other girl we’d interviewed, just to see if she’s available. It went to voice mail and I didn’t leave a message. She had disappeared from the nanny site shortly after I’d told her we were going with someone else, so she may have picked up a nanny job and is working. I also called a local-ish older woman we had planned to interview, but canceled the interview after Susanne agreed to be our nanny. The line was always busy. So it seems those avenues are deliberately closed to me. I’m so burnt-out. Ironically, that was something I’d written to Susanne a week ago and she’d responded for me not to stress because Allie will pick up on it, and that she will be here to help me soon, in April, and every day after that, smiley-face.

I know everything happens for a reason. I have faith that the “right” nanny we’re “supposed to” have is out there somewhere, her situation arranging itself so that she could be available to us soon. Rebecca said that the same source of abundance from God that provides us with what we need still continues to provide for us, through different avenues, so if Susanne is no longer a viable avenue, another one will come. Susanne may have exercised free will to back out, but God won’t let something go away on us without providing us another way, she says. All my friends say it’s a good thing this happened now, as I have 2 weeks to find someone else; it would be more disastrous if Susanne took another job for more money or other reasons a few weeks into working with us, and Allie’s now attached to her, and I’m back at work.

That’s what my head agrees with. Emotionally, I’m messed up. When I went to get Allie after her morning nap, I took one look at her beautiful trusting little face, and thought, “How could anyone not want to be here with you?” and started crying. I KNOW it’s not about HER, of all things. But I feel like SHE was abandoned, too. Mr. W took the afternoon off and met us at the fertility doctor’s office at lunchtime, then we went to True Food Kitchen for a late lunch. I’m glad I have such a present husband.

I feel very pensive right now. Flip Flop Girl asked me on the phone before what it was exactly that I’m scared about when I feel like this. I couldn’t really come up with anything, because logic tells me that Allie is fine. But I’m terrified again! Is it because I’m feeling lost in unfamiliar territory again? I just get comfortable thinking I’ve “learned” her, and she flips the game. In fact, parents of young kids tell me that IS the game; I’m perpetually playing catch-up cuz they change so fast. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. But I’m not. I’m VERY uncomfortable with the lost feeling. I hate it. And Allie seems ahead of her time in growth and development, flying thru changes at light speed. I don’t know anyone else’s baby that started teething before 4 months. Whilst wearing 6-month clothes.

A huge thing on the horizon also worrying me is that hubby wants to take a vacation in early May. I have the same week off. He wants to roadtrip either to NorCal to see my friends and their new babies or maybe to Vegas so Allie can see his family. Allie has been doing better in carseats, not fussing automatically upon seating like she used to, but she still wants to get out after awhile, and unlike other babies I’d heard about, doesn’t automatically fall sleep once the car moves. I worry about her ability to sleep and nap when we’re away from home in a strange environment. I worry about her crying bothering hotel patrons if she can’t sleep through the strangeness. I worry about her missing naps like crazy, crashing, being very cranky from overtiredness and overstimulation. I worry about being unable to reacclimate her to her routine once we return home so that she continues being an overtired baby, and now one who is unable to sleep in her own room anymore, either. My cousin Jennifer recommended that I start “training” her to be able to sleep in different areas of our house. I’ve tried soothing her elsewhere, but she doesn’t go down. She used to be able to sleep in the playard and on the couch in the living room (supervised), but that went out the window after she got sick and I napped her exclusively in her crib for the elevated mattress and humidifer, and I haven’t been able to sleep her elsewhere since.

People tell me I’m not gonna mess my baby up by taking her on vacation or having her off-routine once in awhile. Logically, I believe them, but emotionally, I don’t. The only source of comfort is that the sleep book says if the baby is getting sufficient rest 90%+ of the time, and I’m respecting her drowsy cues and her need to sleep as much as I can, she will recover quickly from an occasional exception. It’s the babies who aren’t allowed to rest habitually, are always taken out and have very irregular lifestyles, are chronically overtired — it’s those babies who recover much slower after a disruption like a vacation.

Maybe it’s time to check with Rebecca for reassurance.

The gardeners came yesterday while I was breastfeeding Allie, so that’s good; they didn’t wake her up. The cleaning people came late at 3:15p, and I’d just put her down for a nap at 3p. When I opened the door, they must’ve seen something in my face when I told them I’d just put the baby down 15 mins ago and I didn’t know what to do, because they said simply that they’d come back in an hour and 20 minutes. I gratefully closed the door. Allie ended up taking that nap all the way until they came back at 5p, and I went in and opened the door and she woke up in a great mood. Mr. W was home by then, so we went to pick up the prescription low-protein cat food from the vet, had some Italian at the restaurant next door to the vet, then went to the local drugstore to buy some diapers. Allie was very well-behaved in public, altho she started crying in the car on the way back, struggling against the carseat. I put her to bed with no problem as she was very tired and ready to go down at about 7:30p when we started her bedtime feeding. Dodo took to the new food seemingly also without a problem, and was a perfect gentleman all night.

Allie, however, decided to have 2 middle-of-the-night feedings for the 2nd night in a row. The first one was very early, 10:30p. The next one was also very early, albeit in the morning, 4:50a. I comforted myself saying it was 3:50a to her. One of my now biggest fears regarding her nights happened at her 10:30p feeding. Altho she was falling asleep eating and did fall asleep after on the Boppy, and I let her sleep for a minute or so in hopes she’d be really tired when I moved her back to her crib, the moment she hit the crib she was wide awake and upset. I walked out when I heard her suckle her fingers in a self-soothe attempt. As soon as I entered the bedroom, she was all-out wailing and flailing. I went back in, trying to get her thumb back in her mouth. Nope. Patted her comfortingly. Nope. I had to pick her up as she screamed and cried and struggled against me. I patiently held her and walked her a little bit in her room, the way I put her to nap. She tried to get into the sleepy position and suck her thumb, but seconds later she’d pull her thumb out, stiffen up against me pulling away from my body, thrash her legs, and scream and cry again. This happened over and over. I considered maybe she had her nose stuffed from the crying and couldn’t breathe well with her thumb in her mouth, but then she started settling for multiple seconds at a time so that I could hear breath come in and out, so I knew she was fine. After 15-20 minutes of this, Mr. W poked in and asked if I wanted him to bring the swing upstairs into her room. I shook my head vehemently, still trying to keep things very calm, quiet, dark, and as commotion-less as possible so she doesn’t get used to hyper-interaction in the middle of the night. Mr. W couldn’t see me in the dark and assumed I didn’t answer, so he went downstairs and lugged the big electric swing up. I whisper-hissed at him, as he came in the room, “No, no no! Too much commotion!” I think I offended him as he went back out. She finally settled into the sleepy position, sucked her thumb, and fell asleep on me. When I put her in her crib, she sighed and moved, curling onto her side putting her thumb back in her mouth, and as I snuck out, I heard her suckle. By the time I was back in our bedroom apologizing to Mr. W, she was asleep. Looking back at the app where I’d recorded her feeding and her sleeping, the time between the end of her feed and the beginning of her sleep was about 30 minutes, but it felt like hours of screaming, struggling, sweating.

I was still exhausted by the time she cried again at 4:50a. Mr. W was already up, having gotten ready downstairs for the gym to allow me some time to sleep, but the cat was also up and moving around, meowing here and there (not yowling), and could be convinced to come to me to be petted and quieted. I was watching the baby flail around on the monitor and then yup, she started crying. I went to her room as Mr. W was getting ready to leave and I started feeding her, terrified that she’d refuse to go back to sleep like earlier. When I heard the garage door open then close, I suddenly felt very, very alone in the dark with the baby who now felt more like something I feared than something I confidently nurtured. Please, please, please, go right back to sleep afterwards, I prayed in my head. I was terrified, and so, so worn.
She went back to bed in her crib without much protest beyond the initial whimpering.

I went back to bed, also, and did not sleep well. I continue to have what feels like auditory hallucinations of the baby crying as my brain drifts thru the gap between wake and sleep. I would wake up with my heart pounding, reach for the phone to do a camera check while praying that I’m having an auditory hallucation. Most of the time this morning, I was. She slept well and I again had to debate whether I ought to start moving her wake time incrementally earlier. I finally gave up trying to sleep and I got up to get myself ready for the day, and went in her room at 7:50a, 10 mins earlier than yesterday. She was wide-eyed, so I don’t know if I woke her by opening the door, or if she was already awake. She smiled sweetly at me with her gummy mouth open. I did my usual, “Good MORning, sweetheart!” as I opened her blinds, and we started our day.

Things always seem less desperate in daylight, but I am hanging on day-by-day, very very close to total burnout. I feel a slight nausea, I feel very close to tears. I find myself spacing in the middle of playing with Allie, or in the middle of feeding her. It’s hard to plan ahead, and I don’t know what to do a lot of the time, but I still try. Yesterday, as her nap reached the point of her next feeding and she was still asleep, I started pumping with the handpump. I was so stressed I got no more than drops out of the side that normally produces a lot, and I switched sides and had just gotten out 2 ounces when she woke up. I had to stop mid-pumping, get her, prepare and bottle-feed her, then I tried to finish pumping while she was in the walker/activity center. Got nothing out of the other side still. I gave up and put that bottle in the fridge, washing the pump parts with her cooperation upstairs as she hung out in the Boppy and watched me a few minutes. The day before, I pumped while she was playing in her high chair and she lost patience just minutes in and started wailing. But I have to pump to replace the feeding I’m giving her by bottle in order to keep my supply up; and I have to feed her a bottle a day to keep her bottle-trained. It’s just hard on my own. I don’t know how people do it with multiple young kids.

Mr. W has been eager for us to go to the fertility clinic and sign the release papers so that they can stop storing our remaining 3 embryos. It costs $50/month for the storage, and if we choose to not pay it anymore, we can tell them whether to discard, donate, or use the embryos for research. The fertility doctor we’d worked the most with wanted to meet Allie, and I found out he’s in next Wednesday, so I guess I’ll take Allie down there and see what our options about the embryos are. I think it’d be nice if a mixed-race couple trying to conceive could use our “A” quality embryo(s), but I’m not sure if it works that way. Plus, I don’t want some kid in the future to have some identity crisis knowing genetic mom and dad are out there somewhere. I believe the soul that comes thru is just borrowing the vehicle of a body to do what it needs to in this lifetime, so the soul that goes to the parents was meant to be there with those parents, regardless of what the genetic makeup of the soul’s body is. But that doesn’t change the fact that a donated embryo situation could still cause a very normal human reaction of wanting to know where he/she came from in terms of genetics. Plus, I’d wonder about Allie’s full genetic brother or sister out there. I think I’m now undecided what to do. Which is why I need to talk to the doctor. Maybe donating the entire embryo to a couple isn’t even an option.

I’m just rambling now because I’m scared to let this connection go. This blog post. This cyber-touching of the outside, to other living adults, even though you guys don’t touch back at the same time I reach out.

I can’t wait until Susanne becomes available. I don’t think being a stay-at-home mom is an option for me mentally at this point, even tho that’s still the preferred situation in Mr. W’s opinion. Work is going thru major layoffs and moving people around, so it may be barely recognizable when I get back there. I think I’m losing my reporter, as the County is eliminating all court reporters from Civil trial courtrooms. 🙁 My reporter Louise has been a big sister to me for the last 10+ years, full of encouragement, level-headedness, advice, empathy, and education on life/nutrition/exercise. It doesn’t mean she’ll vanish from my life, but it sure makes returning to work less something to look forward to. Rebecca had said last November that work isn’t going to lay me off, but I’ll be working maybe 2-3 courtrooms. I’d thought that was rather impossible at the time; how can one judge’s clerk work for multiple judges in fully-functioning courtrooms? It’d be impossible. But after receiving a budget memo from the courts, and after hearing from coworkers what the budget meetings have been, it looks like that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Never would’ve expected that, even with Rebecca saying such.

Followed Rebecca’s advice, and called the vet. Vet said I’d better bring him in. It was challenging bringing the baby AND the cat, having to put both in their respective carriers, but it went fine. Baby cooperated. Cat complained but he’d been worse.

Vet suspects hyperthyroidism due to Dodo’s increased food/water intake, also kidney disease. One or the other would cause high blood pressure, which gives headaches, which would make the cat yowl more at night. They took a full blood panel and she’ll call me with the results later today. Ultrasound revealed enlarged kidneys with cysts inside. The vet said it’s seen in exotic breeds (like Dodo, I guess), but that she’s surprised he’s 14 years old because they usually see this in younger cats. She’s impressed he’s lived this long and sorta credits how much water he always drinks. The bloodwork will tell how much of the kidneys are operating. Cats are considered to have high blood pressure if it measures 180. Dodo came in at 230 or 240. She said instead of treating the high blood pressure immediately, she’ll wait for the results of the blood test, because if it’s the thyroid, treating that would cause the blood pressure to go back to normal, then I woudln’t have to medicate for the blood pressure alone. She was very impressed with Dodo, said he was very good when they were doing all the tests and blood draws. She gave me a complimentary ear cleaning and claw trimming for the cat. I still feel like the worst cat mom ever.

Allie charmed everyone at the vet’s. The vet herself even sat in my car and watched Allie for me while I paid the receptionist. The receptionist jinxed me, tho. She asked how long Allie’s sleeping, and I told her 11 hours or so a night. She was impressed and said her grandkid at 10 months won’t sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time, because her daughter-in-law picks up the baby at the slightest sound and stir. I said it took some work getting her daytime naps in but it did make her nighttime sleep extend. So what does Allie do last nite? Went down at 7:30p, up at 11p for a feeding, went back down, up at 4:30a for a feeding, and is now sleeping still. So things are all messed up right now and I’m nervous and stressed because I’ll have to leave the house at some point for a couple of hours when the cleaning people get here, not sure when they ever come. Hopefully not right at naptime or when I’m pumping. 🙁 Considering waking her up.

When the vet was discussing Dodo’s kidney ultrasound results with me, it was past Allie’s naptime so she started getting fussy in her carrier. Suddenly Allie said, “I’m ready!”
The vet looked at her in surprise. “What did you say?”
I said, “Did you said you’re ready? Are you ready to go home?”
The vet said, “That’s what I heard, too!”

Back to Dodo. I told the vet he’s shown no sign of discomfort. She said that’s cuz he’s such a sweet cat. The yowling appears to be part of his eating routine…maybe he’s eating more and awake more at night due to the headache/high blood pressure, so I associate yowling with food but the two are only related in timing. They say that people who own pets benefit by having lower blood pressure, because pets are so good for/to their owners. Maybe I need to get Dodo a pet.

A friend from jujitsu (also named Rebecca) told me that her baby stopped sleeping through the night at 4 months. She made mention of the developmental leap that occurs at 4 months, which is a major one and very disturbing to the kid. I asked what she meant, “stopped” sleeping through the night. She had to have meant that it was just a temporary stop while the baby was adjusting to the leap, right? No…she said the baby stopped from 4 months to 13 months. :O!!!

I’d never heard of that happening, where the baby regresses in progress for that long. She says that’s when you “sleep train” the baby into going back to sleeping through the night. I’d always thought sleep training was to get babies who don’t sleep thru the night to start sleeping thru. Rebecca think it’s not unusual for kids to stop sleeping thru at some point, at least for a few weeks, or until sleep trained. I know they co-sleep with the baby, so I’m hoping that’s the difference.

Last night, for the first time in awhile, Allie cried at 4am on the dot and I went in to give her a middle-of-the-night feeding. I was so scared she would stay up crying like she did after our bedtime routine, but she didn’t, she easily dropped off into sleep once I put her back in her crib. I was careful to let her doze a little on the Boppy for a couple minutes after nursing so she’d be properly sleepy when I transferred her.

She’s down for her morning nap right now, but instead of the usual 10 minutes it used to take me to soothe her, it’s stretched longer and longer and it took 40-45 minutes this time. She didn’t cry or fuss, but she just wouldn’t stop turning to look left and right, being interested in everything, and I couldn’t get her into her sleepy position (face against my chest, sucking her left thumb). She’d bounce right back up to look around her room again, despite the fact that she’d kept yawning. Her timing’s just a tad off today, since she fell asleep so late last nite, she slept in a little until 7:30a and I didn’t have the heart to wake her before then. The half-hour lateness plus how long it took her to soothe into her morning nap may throw off the rest of her day, making her biological sleepy times not match her old habitual nap times.

This developmental leap is really, really scaring me.

And the cat is really driving me and Mr. W crazy. I’m at the point where I’m willing to give him up to a loving home.

I hit a realization yesterday. My being a first time mom with zero baby experience is big-time screwing with me because I don’t have context to evaluate any issues to come up. Like yesterday, Allie rejected the bottle. She was given a bottle a day a few times a week to keep her bottle-trained so that when I return to work, she could take to the bottle. However, when she got sick and rejected the bottle (probably due to congestion and/or need for nursing comfort), I indulged her and we didn’t bottlefeed for 10 days. When Mr. W touched the bottle to her mouth yesterday at a feeding time, she wailed and screamed and cried like she was in pain. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be around so she doesn’t think, “Hey, mom’s right THERE, I’m just gonna scream until she puts her boob in my mouth.” So I hid out upstairs, afraid to pump because I may have to nurse her if she won’t eat. Listening to her crying downstairs, I felt miserable and scared, like this is The Worst That Could Happen. Eventually, Mr. W worked on her for an hour upstairs as I researched madly on the PC downstairs for a magical cure to bottle rejection (also emailing pediatrician, calling the lactation clinic which was closed for the weekend, emailing the 2 nannies we’re interviewing this weekend to see if they have suggestions which, btw, turned out to be a great test), and suddenly the crying stopped. Soon he presented me with an empty bottle. He said she’d drank all 4.5 oz in 10 minutes, after crying an hour and exhausting herself. She knocked out in a long nap soon afterwards. Mr. W said that he knew I’d be freaking out, which is why he tried so hard to get her to drink the bottle. If it were just up to him, he would’ve said, “No biggie, we’ll try a bottle again some other time, just nurse her.” (Altho apparently, after talking to lots of people and reading lots of suggestions, is the worst thing to do cuz then the baby thinks, “Hey, I just have to hold out and I’ll get a boob.”) Because to him, this isn’t the end of the world.

In response to a status message about this I’d posted on the social networking site, a lot of people online who are parents addressed the crying aspect, telling me it’s okay, babies cry. Don’t let the crying get to you. That confused me, cuz I was like, “How can you not see? It’s not the CRYING. She’s REJECTING THE BOTTLE! What can I do?! She’s gonna STARVE TO DEATH if she won’t drink out of a bottle when I go back to work! This is The Worst That Could Happen!” It wasn’t until a friend said, “Chances are good that even if she’ll never reliably take the bottle, she’ll adjust once you leave her with the nanny. I’ve never heard of anyone who had to quit work because of that :P”, that I got some perspective. I’d read that this is common at Allie’s age of 3-4 months; even college roommie Diana’s baby, 2 weeks younger and who never had a break from the bottle since she was days old, suddenly rejected the bottle a few days ago. They’re just at a point where they realize they have a preference, and the preference is mommy’s breasts. You just have to keep at it (and there are tons of suggestions out there with distraction methods to get the baby to take the bottle again), and the baby may miss 1-2 feedings doing a stand-off with you or rather, with the person who’s preferably not mommy who’s giving the bottle, but the baby will take to the bottle instead of starve. So it’s the first of many battles of wills, I guess, and persistence wins out. Allie, in the case of yesterday, held out an hour. Today, after Allie again cried in a standard cradle hold once the bottle nipple touched her mouth, Mr. W held her facing outward and walked her around and fed her the bottle from behind, as she was distracted looking around. The crying lasted minutes, if that. Hopefully she’ll get used to the bottle again very soon, no more than a few days of rejection. I’m not going to take any more breaks from bottle-training.

Apparently, bottle rejection is NOT The Worst That Could Happen. It’s just foreign to me so I assume everything that’s unexpected and troublesome is The Worst That Could Happen. I’m sure there are people who are as ignorant of baby issues as I am but who don’t assume that every new thing is The Worst, but instead, don’t think or even realize how bad something is until someone, like a pediatrician, tells them so. “What? Our baby needs to be hospitalized? We just thought it was a little cold!” I think those people have it easier, mood-wise. I’m told that I instantly jump to The Worst because I’m a perfectionist (Mr. W) and because I don’t do well being taken by surprise (Rebecca) and the pessimistic fear is a product of postpartum depression (doctors). I used to roll with the punches more easily, but I’m unable to now, thanks to this biochemical imbalance crap going on. Everything feels like it rests on the moment being perfect. That’s a lot of pressure on each moment.

So, I need to remind myself of the bigger picture. She will survive this, and that, and even those things I still don’t know could happen cuz people don’t talk about it (which I’m pretty ticked about, btw). I am not going to be prepared for every complication that could/will happen, but I’m going to try not to assume each of those complications is The Worst That Could Happen. Most likely, it’ll just be a step-by-step resolution, like bottle rejection. Oh, she’s being stubborn about eating from a bottle? Okay, we’ll just keep trying the bottle for awhile, comfort her in between bouts of crying so it doesn’t become traumatic, and try different holds and distractions, and when she gets hungry enough, she’ll take it. She won’t skip more than 1-2 feedings (according to lactation nurse advice given to Diana), even tho it may happen each bottle for a few days. Then after that she’ll be accustomed to the bottle again. No biggie. No kid has ever been refused from a college because this bottle didn’t go down easily. And an even bigger picture than that — this is about the evolution of Allie’s soul; she’s here as my daughter to learn some things about life and my job is just to make sure she’s as safe, healthy and happy as I can reasonably control as she walks her life’s journey. Her choices and growth are independent of me; I have influence, not control. Her soul is not mine to control. Her paths and footsteps are not mine to map out. So this one too-short nap, this one irregular night, this one off-moment, is just that: one nap, one night, one moment. Nothing in the overall course of her existence here.

So stop worrying about every moment, Cindy. She’s healthy, bright, and seems mostly happy. That’s all the positive influence you need to and can give for now.