cindy's world

Right now, Allie’s NAPPING in her OWN CRIB! I was trying to read “Goodnight, Moon” to her in the recliner in her room and she started getting fussy so I cradle-held her and walked around a little. She yawned, eyes got droopy, so I thought, “Maybe I can put you down for a nap before your 11am feeding.” And she settled pretty easily into her crib for the nap! First time I ever had her day-napping just being set down, also the first time I tried to do it in her crib upstairs (instead of the swing downstairs) so maybe she just loves her crib and her room. *doing silent touchdown dance*

…and I probably just jinxed everything.

The stepkidlet walked out her room while I was on blogging and I waved her over, showed her the surveillance camera shot, pointing at the upper right corner. She first looked confused, like, “Where’s the baby?” Then she looked at the monitor and put her hand on my shoulder, saying, “NO WAY!” You can see her celebrating for me on the upper left monitor. 🙂

Some days can still surprise me.

Allie had a fussy time yesterday evening which threw her schedule off and she didn’t sit at the dinner table with us for once as I put her in her room for a nap, and I slept in her room in the La-Z-Boy recliner after she went down for the night. She did okay once she went to sleep for the night; the feeding lasted from 9:15p to 3:30a. I thought today was going to be rough because I still couldn’t get her schedule right; she only fed on one side at 3:30a, then on the other side at 6:30a. I couldn’t get her to do a full feeding as she wouldn’t stay awake after each side. That threw her morning off, too, as she was hungry again by 8am. After that, she again went to sleep during the feeding so I couldn’t do the eat-play-sleep routine each segment to sleep-train her; after she woke from the short feeding nap she fussed for an hour as I tried to put her down, and she may have slept half an hour max and fussed the rest of the time until her 11:30a feeding. After her 11:30am feeding, she was up, but I had to run errands.

We went right away to Discount Tires so I could find out whether the constant “low air pressure” warning in my car was due to actual low tire pressure, or a leak in a tire. Turned out it was generally just low and the guy didn’t think there was a problem, but encouraged me to get a pressure check every other month with them (free). The PSI was supposed to be at least 28; all tires were around 24, setting off the sensor. He said he refilled them to 35 PSI.

Since Target was right next to Discount Tires and Allie had knocked out in the car (again ruining the eat-play-sleep routine), I went and got batteries for the central heater. It was freezing this morning and the heat wouldn’t come on. I made an appointment for some guys to come out and look at it on Thursday morning, but replacing the batteries worked so I called and canceled the visit. Allie slept through it all; I even managed to cut her nails while she was asleep in the car carrier (now in the house). And I started blogging.

But…as she’s now up and crying, I’ll have to tend to her, again on a messed up eat-play-sleep schedule. Whomever came up with that must not have had any infants.

I nominate Mr. W for Daddy of the Year. Because the slings didn’t work for us, he got up this morning with the ambition to take the smaller Seven Sling apart and reconstruct it with some modifications to make one that does work. He also took the Kaiser diaper bag apart for parts (the adjustable strap part cuz it’s brown and matches the sling fabric) and pulled out his sewing machine and worked while Allie was asleep in the sling (and I was unproductively blogging the previous post). Allie started stirring about 10 minutes ago, so he went and had her test out the sling. Poor girl, she barely woke up and suddenly was stuffed into a sling with her body and limbs maneuvered all over the place. She made some struggling sounds and grunts, which I took to mean, “What did I wake up to?” She was a trooper, tho, and smiled at us. I think she was secretly laughing.
Front:

Back:

Here are some other recent Daddy of the Year photos:
Friday, after we gave her a bath in the walk-in shower. Well, Mr. W did the work getting in the shower with her so he could use the pull-out shower nozzle-handle-thingie on her while she was in her baby tub on the floor of the shower. I just handed over towels and stuff. Then he bundled her up like an eskimo baby so she would stop shivering.

Yesterday, going shopping for 3 & 6 month baby clothes since my little weed had outgrown her newborn-to-3-month clothes.

Last Wednesday, Mr. W pulled out the convertable high chair booster, hoping Allie was ready to sit still with us at the table while we ate. She WAS! We all had dinner at the table! Ever since then, each night’s dinner was a success as she sat patiently, watching us, looking around.

Now they’re watching football together. 🙂

There’s a school of thought that says Allie’s too young to be “sleep-trained” just yet, but there’s been signs that she’s ready for SOME parental influence in the sleep-training direction. The fact that she sleeps more easily in her crib in her room at night instead of in our room with us, for example. How amenable she is to going right back to sleep after a feeding at nighttime. How easily she went into the eat-play-sleep pattern in the daytime, which is a pattern recommended by the book “Babywise” to get baby to sleep through the night (7 weeks on, it says, and she’s at 7 weeks already). Maybe the constant holding earlier helped, because she’s secure enough to be on her own already at night and during the short naps she takes in the day alone. So far, half an hour to an hour is it, and in her swing, but that’s more than I had before. She’s asleep in her swing right now. I’m hopeful that times like this will increase in duration.

One of the biggest fallacies I’ve found about infant care is “when the baby sleeps, you should sleep.” I’m sure all babies are different and some people can actually do this, but I can’t. I’ve spoken to many new moms and their experiences are the same as mine — when baby naps, baby demands to be held, so you hold baby and can’t sleep yourself, unless you’ve somehow mastered sleeping while sitting up with a baby over a shoulder. I can’t; I can’t settle my mind down and plus the position hurts my tailbone. When she sleeps, sometimes I can do things one-handed, and throughout the day there seems to be an ever-gathering list of things I must do, increasing in urgency in my head like unrelieved urine (which is sometimes really on the to-do list), so when I get a moment of peace, I’m more about “What can I do off this list? What’s the most urgent or important?” than about napping. I’ve made many phone calls while she was asleep cradled in one arm, and ate many breakfasts and taken many vitamins with her propped up on one shoulder, bouncing her and walking around the room so she doesn’t get tired of one view and start fussing. I haven’t figured out how to pee holding her, yet. Or pump and clean pump parts. *sigh*

Another challenge I’ve had is that due to my baby inexperience, I didn’t know what to do with her as her waking and alert hours increased. I know I’m supposed to interact, but how? So I’ve been attempting some minimal tummy time (it lasts probably 10 seconds before she tells me in no uncertain terms she’s getting pissed at me), I’ve shown her colors around the house, I’ve propped her up in a Boppy when she’s tolerant enough to and read a couple of children’s books to her while she looked at the colorful pages and tuned me out. I’ve danced with her to my Labor Music playlist as I sang the lyrics I remembered to her (“Oh girl I think I love you, I’m always thinking of you, I want you to know I do it all for love; I love it when we’re together baby, I need you forever, and I want you to know I do it all for love…” That’s often made me cry, I’ll blame hormones cuz the Color Me Badd song’s SO upbeat), narrated what I’m doing as I did small amounts of housework I could do one-handed, massaged her and sang children’s songs with her propped up in front of me so I could “help” her do the hand motions and as she smiled her big open-mouthed smiles I’d laugh with her. She doesn’t track rattles and things all that well, but based on her solid tracking of people she’s interested in, I think it’s just a lack of desire in tracking toys. What she seems to enjoy quite a bit is when I sit her up over my shoulder and take her for a little walk around the back yard so we can say hello to the squash vines, Mr. Avocado Tree, all the pretty white roses contrasted against their deep green leaves, and then we walk through the gate to the front yard, and we greet The Magnolia Tree and ask for it to produce some big white flowers so that Allie could sniff them. We wave to The Bonzai Tree at our front yard, walk a few houses down (being careful her face isn’t in the sunlight much, or she flinches in the sudden brightness), meeting palm trees and other front yard gardens. Then we come back through the gate, avoid the mean hummingbirds guarding their precious feeders, she looks around and looks up at the blue sky, and we come inside.

Stroller walks with her are touch-and-go, as with car rides. She doesn’t like the confinement, especially when the straps are fastened, and she pushes against them and cries. A car moving does usually lull her to sleep, but the moment we hit traffic or red lights, she starts crying. SoCal traffic really ticks me off these days. Last week I ambitiously took her way out on a stroller walk around the neighborhood, planning to get to a local park with a playground, but halfway there in the neighborhood, she’d had enough and started wailing. I realized then that I’d forgotten to bring her pacifier, so I had to turn around and hustle back through residential streets of people coming home from work looking at the lady pushing the screaming baby through their neighborhood. I could see them wondering why I wasn’t able to do anything about the crying, or, at least, that’s what I saw in my head.

Last Friday I had a cousin outing and cousin Jennifer, her 3.5-month-old girl Alexandra, her mom, my mom, my cousin Olivia, her two elementary-school-age daughters, myself, and Allie gathered at my cousin Diana’s house with her 2.5 yr old daughter Elle (where sisters Diana/Jennifer’s mom was babysitting), with plans to have sandwich lunch at the house and a walk to a nearby park. Allie was fine until Olivia and her 2 daughters got there; then the noise level of shrieking excited girls/women got to her as she was passed to Olivia and she started crying in the unfamiliar environment with the unfamiliar people and unfamiliar sounds and smells. I took her upstairs into a quiet room and Jennifer came up to keep me company, force me to eat (I was stress-nauseated and had no appetite at this point), comfort me. She brought me Allie’s pacifier and soon Allie fell asleep in my arms. I stayed up there until it was time to walk to the park. Half the people went on ahead and some of us stayed behind while I breastfed Allie, then we went. The rest of the day was decent, and I was happy to let my mom hold Allie and comfort her, doing her grandmother thing as Jennifer and I played like children on the playground at the advice of my mom. Even with random bouts (brain fart: that word looks weird) of crying, my mom and aunt thought Allie wasn’t acting abnormal or badly. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m still traumatized with her first weeks of colicky behavior.

She took awhile to be put down last nite, cried, but I was feeling better and happy that it didn’t emotionally tear me up. Ultimately, after her 9pm feeding, she was asleep solidly by about 10:30pm.

These are some photos from the Cousins’ Park Day on Friday. My mom told me in the car on the way back that I should wear some makeup so I don’t look like a “yellow-faced mama,” whatever that means in Chinese. I told her I don’t have time to spend on luxuries like that, and she said letting Allie cry for 2 mins while I made myself look decent wouldn’t kill her. Looking at the photos, I guess she’s right. Jennifer had time to look cute.

Olivia & Allie

The scene:

Being kids:

Alex: “hello, a camera!” Allie: “zzzzz”

(rest mouse pointers over photos for captions)

One of the most memorable things from this park day: Cousin Olivia came up to check on me and Jennifer after the Allie Overstimulation Meltdown, and stayed and counseled me about my postpartum crap. She said, “Of course when they’re older, you have to take some of their preferences and personalities into consideration, but right now, you’re boss. Don’t revolve your life and day and [tiptoe on eggshells] around her. Still do what you need to do; if she cries, that’s okay. Babies have starved to death, frozen to death, been overheated to death; no baby has yet cried to death.”

Thank goodness for bloggers & blog archives! This explained a lot, including the fussy eating/pulling off behavior. It’s hormone/menstrual-related! Apparently menstruation changes the taste of the milk, and temporarily decreases milk supply. This post and its comments restored me.

http://blogginaboutbabies.wordpress.com/2009/04/20/milk-supply-during-menstruation/

Morning has been good so far, even miraculous at points. She stayed tolerant, and absolute angel, when I took her to our room, placed her on our bed propped up by a Boppy within sight of the restroom, so that I could get thru my morning routine of brushing teeth/washing face/changing.

And then half an hour ago, I noticed her getting slightly cranky, then drowsy. I remembered reading about how babies nap by biorhythm, so the perfect naptimes are 9a and 2p. It was exactly 9a, so I put her, drowsy, in her swing. I hummed to her a bit, employed a pacifier for less than a minute, she resisted a little but after 5-10 mins the sleep took over. She’s napping AT HOME WITHOUT BEING HELD! YES!!!

It may only last 45 mins instead of 2-3 hours, but it’s a start.

There’s been definitely new challenges. Morning routines are stressful, because I have to fit my own routine (pumping/storing milk/washing out pump parts after feeding and she HATES the sound of the pump and it will rouse her from sleep; brushing teeth/washing face; changing; eating breakfast) into hers. When she wakes early, such as with Mr. W’s morning sounds, I try to feed her early, put her back to bed, and run around like a manic with my phone on baby room monitor trying to get as much done as possible, hoping for more than 30 minutes of sleep time from her. Evenings are stressful, because we have to fit our dinner, time together after he comes back from work, an evening pump/feed to replace breastfeeding (I’ve skipped several out of stress and just breastfed directly), going to bed by 9pm. Typically Mr. W will relieve me for a couple hours after he returns from work so I could shower and finish laundry or do whatever I couldn’t complete in the day. Make phone calls sometimes.

Last nite, Mr. W tried to push Allie’s bedtime back an hour to 10p. A couple of nites ago, we were exhausted and tried to move it up an hour and were immediately punished by her fussing until 2 hours past her normal bedtime. Last nite, Mr. W read aloud the first couple chapters of “Babywise” as Allie slept in his arms. It was an enjoyable family evening, altho we gave up on the reading before we got to anything substantial (like instructions on HOW to get her to sleep thru the nite) cuz it was getting late. Instead of feeding her at 8:45p aiming for a 9ish bedtime, I fed at 9:45p. As she had come out from a solid nap in his arms at this point, this feeding didn’t make her drowsy enough to go to sleep. She fussed and cried in her crib within minutes of being put down, and I had no idea how to comfort her because I’d done everything already — changed diaper, fed, put her to sleep. After some time, when I was losing it at past 11p in bed, Mr. W got up and tried the pacifier thing twice. She spit it out and kept crying. It wasn’t ignorable so I got up and decided to sleep in her room. I picked her up and comforted her to calm her down, then put her back in her crib (awake) and kept popping the pacifier back in her mouth after it’s fallen out when she got drowsy. That was cousin Jennifer’s sleeping training advice. A bit past midnight, the duration between fussings elongated, I removed the fallen pacifier and she stayed asleep. I woke up with a start at 3:30a, realizing she hadn’t fed all night. Paranoid, I stayed half-awake for the next hour, hearing sounds from her that I was sure meant she was up to feed, but by the time I got up from the recliner and walked the 2 steps to her crib, she’d fallen asleep again. This continued until 4:40a when I finally fed her and put her back down. Now I just finished the pumping sequences of events, computer’s cams on her, paranoid some small sound’s gonna wake her (like someone flushing the toilet a street down). I’m probably going to try for some sleep instead of risking waking her by brushing my teeth and stuff so early, altho I’ll probably be too nervous to sleep.

Had some dark discharge the last 2 days with light pink-looking spotting. This morning, I realize with more discharge that I’d gotten my period for the first time since before pregnancy. As I’m breastfeeding exclusively and have been consistently for Allie’s past 7 weeks of life, I’m freaked out and emailed my OB. I’d just read yesterday that the return of the period means hormones have been triggered by decreasing milk supply/breastfeeding. I’m happy she slept “thru the nite” after so long, but every happiness seems blockaded at some point by a potential fear.

I’ve got plans to meet up with my mom, cousin Jen and her mom, and cousin Olivia and her 2 girls, plus cousin Diana’s 2 yr old little girl Elle (whom Diana/Jen’s mom’s babysitting today) for a lunch and a park day. I’m hopeful it’ll be a good day.

BTW, 2 nites this week (the nite we advanced Allie’s bedtime and last nite when we pushed it back), Allie was up late having fits. I found out that at the same time, same nites, Jen’s baby Alexandria and college roommie Diana’s baby Alexis were doing the same thing. Full moon? Well, it was on Monday nite the first time they lined up (that we’re aware of).

Oh yeah…yesterday afternoon I tried to get Allie to take her nap away from me (she sleeps 2-3 hours on me but 3-5 mins usually if I put her down) so that I could get some stuff done. I placed her in her cosleeper in the living room, turned on the vibration, tried music, tried singing, tried pacifier, she would NOT stop her fit of hysteria and go to sleep. When I finally gave up and picked her up, I noticed a little tear streak down one temple. She started making tears?! My heart broke. I cried. I’ve been a mess again since. Hormones or not, I think I have postpartum depression. I keep reminding myself that it’s okay if I don’t feel productive cuz I couldn’t finish the laundry or unload the dishwasher; things ARE better because she’s thriving and she’s beautiful and she smiles a lot and is generally in a good mood. She’s sitting with us tolerantly longer, and the past 2 nites Mr. W got out her highchair booster and she’s sat with us doing great as we had dinner at the table together (instead of gulping in shifts). But when one thing perceived as a difficulty or negativity happens, I immediately break.

Now that the baby’s more active and awake/alert more often, we find that she has superhearing. She’s in her room next door to ours, door closed, and Mr. W showering, brushing his teeth, shaving in our restroom woke her up and kept her awake until the noise died down. It was a little early for her next feeding, but as she was up and crying for it, I fed her anyway. While in there, I realized I can hear downstairs breakfast dishes clinking, faucet, coffeemaker, etc. I wish she weren’t such a light sleeper. The cat’s routine yowling after he eats, which yowling he does right outside her door (I can’t stop him) already startles her awake, altho if he yowls less than 10 times she goes back to sleep. It seems that consistent morning noise (shower, when I pumped in our room for 15 mins) keeps her up long enough and she lays on her back thrashing around, kicking her legs, throwing her arms in the air through it, which wakes her up and keeps her up. *sigh* Mornings are hard, especially when she cuts her sleep short, cuz that cuts my sleep short. Right now, by appearance on the baby IP monitor, my typing downstairs is keeping her up; when I stop, she stops. And I’m typing as gently as I can.

There as so many people I’m thankful to, here are just a few:

My cousin Jennifer, girlfriend Christi (Flip Flop Girl) – thank you for being my rocks through this. I’m so grateful you had your babies first so you could share your experiences to help me (not that the timing was done for my sake), and I’m super grateful to you for responding to my 2am texts, for inviting me to continue contacting you at all hours so that you could counsel me back to sanity and support me with information, experience, advice, comfort, whatever I needed (which ARE things done for my sake). I’m so lucky to have you, and sheepishly also grateful you’re up having 2am feedings too so that you’re available to me via text at the wee hours. 🙂

My friend Diana – thank you for keeping me in the loop and for trusting me enough to come to ME for 2am vent sessions or questions. It keeps me feeling competent and it makes me feel strong that I have some answers and experience that could benefit you. Thank you for thinking of me and sending me the Stilltee, which I am drinking right now. 🙂

My parents – much gratitude to my parents for driving an SUV 40 miles each way at these current gas prices to bring food multiple times a week and to see their granddaughter, and for loving me enough to cook so often the foods that you’ve researched is meant to help a new breastfeeding mother (mom). We may not have the same opinions and ways of doing things especially given the new research between 35 years, but no one can deny how big and loving your hearts and intentions are.

My husband – you are the lifesaver in churning waters, the lighthouse beacon in the dark seas, the doorknob that opens the doorway to moving on and through to the “better.” It HAS gotten better, and so much was because of your sacrifices of sleep, peace, freedom, because you chose to love me and Allie before your own wants. Thank you for guiding and teaching me, for standing by me as I went nuts a little, for the patience lavished on me when you indulged me in my psychological ramblings and observations about myself and my feelings. You have done more and continue to do more than any father I have EVER heard of (unless it’s the single dad of a newborn). Also, thanks for weaning me off so that I could slowly be independent as a new mom when you returned to work. Thank you also for taking fussy baby duty right now so I could blog. 😀

“We like computers!”

“Lemme change the music myself…”

My readers – your advice and support and anecdotes in comments on this blog and private emails in response to things you have read have encouraged me, given me hope, made me laugh, given me things to try. Thank you for walking with me in this journey, and for bearing with my written psychological ramblings. 🙂 Dardy, thanks for doing independent research to help me get through some of the rough spots.

Rest your mouse pointer over the below photo to see Allie’s message to you.

I’ve come to a few realizations which may be psychological breakthroughs.

* I must emotionally detach from Allie’s moods and crying. Babies are gonna do what babies do, and babies cry. She does her baby thing, and I should just do my mama thing around her. There’s no reason to ride the roller coaster with her. She’s not hurt, sick, and nothing’s medically wrong, so once I make sure the basics are covered (diaper, food, comfort), I’ll just let it go. The crying is temporary anyway; she’s not gonna cry for 2 days straight. I’ve watched my cousin in amazement as Baby Alex would fuss and cry as Jennifer was chatting with me, and she’d just kinda go, “Aww, I know, I know,” rock the kid a bit, and then go right back into the conversation. Totally not emotionally vested in Alex’s fussing. I need to learn to do that. I asked Mr. W about his irritation with Allie’s crying. He said he’s like a floodgate which opens wide to let the irritant in and he gets instantly affected, but as soon as the stimulus is over, his irritation response is gone. He obeserves I am more of a small hole which collects response slowly but also releases it slowly so that it takes more to affect me in the beginning, but things collect in me and given the newborn situation, I’m stacked full of yet unreleased tension.

* Maggie’s husband Tom had given me some departing words the other day: “Maybe lower the bar a little.” It hit me yesterday how TRUELY that advice hits. I’d set the bar so high because I’d expected, little naive me with no baby experience, that I will be able to follow the classes, books, anecdotes from other parents, and anticipate my baby’s every need and have an early mommyhood as smooth and uneventful as my pregnancy and delivery. However, the baby is a little person with her own will and needs separate from me, so there is no way I can control her reactions and needs, or anticipate her growth spurts, how SHE in particular feels or what SHE in particular needs at every given moment. This is not a motherhood failure on my part. I just need to go with her flow and know it’s okay.

* Being cooped up at home may have helped keep me from feeling overwhelmed the first couple of weeks, but after that, it shrunk my perspective and MESSED WITH MY HEAD. I was no longer able to see beyond the moment at hand which, if it were a moment of baby crying, was like hell. Totally out of proportion to reality. I was pretty good as a homebody, so when people gave me the advice to get out as often as I can, take walks, enjoy some sunshine, I waved it off in my head as “not applicable to my needs.” I was so wrong.

Yesterday Mr. W and I took Allie out to Target so I could buy some milk storage freezer bags. Then we went to run another errand at Bed, Bath & Beyond, and then we had lunch out on a sunny patio overlooking a man-made lake where people were walking their dogs, operating remote-controlled boats on the water, having a good time. I gabbed about my recent experiences and realizations to Mr. W, he listened and it was nice to have someone support me and tell me I’m doing fine and it’s okay, and to keep advising me gently that Allie crying is okay, it’s a baby thing, and that it won’t damage her. In the early evening, my parents came over and took Allie duty for the first time so that Mr. W and I could have an adult-only dinner. We spent about an hour and a half at a favorite sushi spot on the lake, I got more stuff off my chest, asked him how he psychologically processes the crying and stuff, learned that he knows from experience it’ll all be fine because his other two are fine. We shared some laughs, and I returned home in a MUCH better mood. I even had so much energy last nite that putting Allie down, I wasn’t in a heap of exhaustion mentally begging, “Please please please please go to sleep, please please please don’t cry, I can’t take it if you do, I’m so tired, I need to sleep, please please please don’t fuss and go right to sleep.” She actually did pretty well anyway after her nighttime nursing, altho it took her awhile (meaning 5-7 mins) to actually fall asleep in her crib. But I wasn’t emotionally attached thinking my life hangs in the balance of whether she falls asleep sooner rather than later. I slept in our master bedroom with the monitor on the baby and just got up and went to her when she had her 3-hour nighttime cries for “leh,” then put her back to sleep, came out of her room, went back to bed.

Big picture, Cindy, big picture. She’s only 6.5 weeks old; she’ll finish this stage and move on soon.

Night #2 in her crib in her nursery a total success! By going straight there at 9pm instead of doing the rocking/soothing thing, Allie didn’t even have her usual pre-bedtime hysterical crying fit! She just went down comfortably. I stayed in the recliner with her again, and was able to be more responsive to her needs. She doesn’t need much; she’ll fuss a little when her pacifier falls out, but half the time she doesn’t even need it so I just take it and leave it on the thick trim of the crib. After her 3-4 hour increment nighttime feedings (I think they’re closer together cuz I’m more responsive when alone right next to her in the nursery), she falls asleep immediately and I just try to burp her and transfer her to her crib. She sometimes lays there exercising her arms and legs a little, but she goes right into sleep on her own. She even self-soothes well; just now she cried a couple of times while I was busy downstairs altho I have my cell phone with me at all times so I can observe her on the nanny cam app, and after a few “wah”s she relaxed and fell asleep again. I know her pacifier fell out. I saw Mr. W briefly this morning before he went to the gym before 5am, and he said he didn’t hear her all night and slept well. Yay!

This morning after her 6am feeding, I was able to get up, shower in the next room, pump, have a quick breakfast, and do this blog post. Okay, she’s fussing again, I’m gonna have mercy on her and go up and give her the pacifier.