cindy's world

You know how sometimes you get ready to go out and in the mirror, you think you’ve created the most perfect version of you possible? The hair’s behaving, the makeup’s just right, a glint of vixen-like coyness is in your eye; you smile at yourself, or if you’re a guy, you do that click with the inside of your cheek against your teeth and wink, while pointing a trigger hand gesture at your reflection in the mirror? And then you go out, take photos that you can’t wait to see cuz the last time you checked, you were on fire! And in the pictures, your face looks NOTHING as nice as you thought it did in the mirror. It looks like a whole different person. (And if you don’t know what I’m talking about and this has never happened to you, well, then, poo to you! 😛 ) I’ve come up with the perfect solution to ensure that it doesn’t happen to you again.

me: I’m gonna carry around a big paper bag with me wherever I go.
and cut 2 holes out of it for eyes
Josh: right
me: and draw red lips on the center in red permanent marker
which is ironic cuz I don’t wear lipstick
Josh: you do that
me: ooh! and fangs! I’m gonna draw fangs coming out the lips
Josh: that be would realistic
me: OOH, and whiskers! long whiskers!
Josh: keep going
me: …I can’t. that’s all I want.
except for the tiny cat ears I’m gonna tape to the top
Josh: ok
me: I’d be so cute!
and I wouldn’t even have to do my hair
Josh: saves time
me: i know, when the other girls see it, they’d all want one.
and the great thing is, you don’t have to make do with what you got, you can draw whatever you want!
whatever you really feel like you are inside!

I asked Josh what his mask would be and he said probably a girl. I asked what kind of girl? He wasn’t sure. So I suggested he draw a mask of me, and we can go out together and I’d be a cat and he’d be ME. We’d be a hit.

What would YOUR mask be?

I met Mr. W at the gym during lunch today and we took a yoga class together. I held off coughing through almost the entire hour by not “inhaling deeply” when the instructor told us to but taking shallow breaths, until the last relaxation pose. At the last pose, my body wanted to cough so badly that I was spasming. My throat was closing up, my lungs were involuntarily pushing the air out. I finally let out a cough, and once I did I couldn’t stop. The hacking echoed off the hardwood floors and mirrored walls, completely shattering the illusion of shaded tranquility in the room.

A minute ago, my bailiff, who had been reading a magazine at his desk, walked up toward me with an article and announced, “I’ve been doing some reading, and I know now why you’ve got that cough.” Curious, I let him show me an open page, which features a review on the Lexus IS 250, the lower version of my car. Compared to my IS 350, the 250 is the same car and body without the V6 engine, with 100 less horsepower. I was confused as he summarized the article. “It says here that the IS 250 has ‘top-notch handling and a firm suspension’, and that it ‘takes technological features to the next level’.” Right, I agree, but what’s that got to do with my cough? He continued to bullet other points in the article. “It says that the Lexus succeeds in ‘making complex features simple.’ And then it talks about all the luxury car comforts in the cabin. It says here ‘Exterior styling is on the muscular side — lean, not bulky — a departure for buttoned-down Lexus. Handling is taut… The base engine, which is strong but quiet, is a hair underpowered but makes up for it with great fuel economy’.”
“Yeah, but that’s the IS 250,” I said. “I have the 350, which has a stronger engine than what you’re reading there.”
“I know, wait a minute, but here’s where it talks about how you got your cough. The last sentence in the article says, ‘Those who want to notch up the power can cough up an extra four grand for the IS 350, which has a 306-horsepower V6.’ Have you been coughing ever since you bought that car?”

Oh my gawd.

Of course I had to blog it.

Oh, cites from the January/February 2007 issue of Westways magazine, published by Triple-A.

I was walking down the hallway toward the elevator at lunchtime, looking at the package label of a protein bar I’d just purchased. I was shocked to see it had 320 calories in it. That’s a lot for a stupid protein bar! I heard a male voice in front of me. “Hey! It’s my favorite clerk!”
I looked up to see a friendly bailiff walking toward me. “320 calories in this little thing!” I exclaimed, shaking the bar at him. “WHY is this thing so high in calories?!”
He stopped and said, “That’s all you have to say to me? Is calorie talk? I don’t want to talk about excessive calories. We haveta figure out a way to put calories ON you.”
“NO we don’t!”
“Yeah we do, you girls these days are getting too skinny.”
“NO I’m not!”
He started backpaddling as he realized he just called me too skinny in a way that meant too skinny is not attractive. “Well, not gain fat overall, but just in selected places to be curvy.”
“Which places are you saying I need more padding on?!” I demanded.
“Uh, it’s just that…some girls these days don’t have a butt cuz they’re too skinny, they lose their butt–”
“I have a butt!!”
“Yeah, uh, I mean…”

The elevator dinged and for some reason he didn’t get on it with me, turning instead to go into the restroom with a see-ya-later. Something I said?

My mom cracked me up today. We’re emailing.

Mom:
AUNT JESSICA INVITE YOU AND [Mr. W] OVER FOR NEW YEAR DINNER ON SUNDAY NIGHT AT 6:30 PM, DIANA AND JENNIFER ALSO BRINGING THEIR’S BOY FRIEND OVER. OH, YOU ARE GOING TO WEDDING, RIGHT?

(I don’t know why both my parents want to write in all caps. It’s like I’m 6 again and always being yelled at.)

Me:
no, no wedding. I don’t know the people getting married. We’re free Sunday
night, we just have brunch with the Northern California friends on Sunday in
the day.

Mom:
OH, BOY! YOU ARE GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT! WHY DON’T YOU GUYS COME OVER TO HELP US MOVE FUNITURE AND CLEAN UP ON WEEKEND!

(Their home remodeling is due to be done by Chinese New Year this weekend, and after that will be the big cleanup and furniture moving.)

Me:
we’d already planned on doing that. And I’m working out again. I don’t care if I’m still sick, I gained weight in the last 2 weeks of not working out!

Mom:
DRINK SUGAR FREE ORANGE JUICE, PLEASE!

In a recent post where I’d posted a highly intellectual conversation between me and James (*cough*), Jordan commented that if we posted OUR conversations, we’d lose credibility. I disagreed, since most of my and Jordan’s conversations deal with scholarly topics such as biology and anatomy. For example, there’s this one today via email:

Me:
So is there any day you’re not working this week? Aside from today, I see.

Jordan:
I had class today…. a bunch of inservices from 8-4. So… like, do you have elongated nipples or like, irregularly long ones?? I need to know.

Is the rumor true???!!!

Me:
What are elongated nipples? How about I just send you a photo? I don’t know if I’m normal cuz I haven’t examined other people’s nipples.

And then I thought, hey, I have a better source for an answer here! Mr. W was online, and he’s seen tons and tons of nipplage in his day. So I IMed him:

me: Do I have elongated nipples?
Jordan wants to know.
Sent at 2:11 PM on Wednesday
[Mr. W]: What the heck…..no, What is that?
Sent at 2:14 PM on Wednesday

Huh. I guess I don’t. There ya go, Jordan. I’m resourceful. 🙂 Altho…now I’m wondering whether my mom has elongated nipples. ACK! Stupid Jordan!! That’s just wrong! (I bet you’re all thinking about all the Asian women you know, now. You can blame Jordan.)

me: btw, see jordan’s chat box
james: Hahahahahaha nice!
you totally flooded her chat box
me: well, YOU wouldn’t do it.
james: thats cuz im a chicken.
me: bok bok!
james: CockaDooddleDooo
me: chuggaluggachuggalugga
james: Chickens do not go Chugggalgugachugalugga!!!!
me: chooo choooooo!
james: bless you
me: cockadoodledoo sounds like “choo chooo!”
and what follows “choo chooooo” IS chuggaluggachuggalugga
james: people dont go “Cockadoodldoo” when they sneeze!
me: I didn’t sneeze!
james: you said Choo!! chooo!!!
me: I didn’t say AHchoo!
choo chooooooo!
james: buttttt you see
you are the owner of dodo.
dodo says “eow” instead of “meow”
so i figure like owner like kitty
you shoudl say “chooo” instead of “achooo”
me: okay, you ‘tard.
james: 🙂
me: i’m gonna blog this.
james: actually now that i think of it… cockadoodledoo does sound like a train whistle if you say it right
yea you should blog it … I was laughing so hard over most of this conversation
Sent at 11:07 PM on Monday
me: I didn’t even crack a smile. You’re so easily entertained.
james: sigh…
oh well i tried
damnit
now i keep saying chugachugachuga
this is all your fault.

4 years each in a University of California institution of higher learning, and we almost have our barnyard sounds down.

I got this little gem on email from my jujitsu instructor:

DADDY’S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ..
This one is for everyone who … a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid, e) is going to have kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them.

Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

After coughing through a phone conversation with Mr. W today at work, he said that I probably have tuberculosis, which is such a “romantic” ailment because all the great romance novels have the heroine dying of consumption. So earlier I IMed him:

me: I just want you to know…* cough cough *
…that if I don’t make it through this consumption… * hack choke *
…that I’m eternally grateful * hack hack *
…to have been loved by you * puking blood *
Mr. W: u need more jaeger
me: how…unromantic.
I’m gonna blog this.
Mr. W: now here is the romantic part
I am secretly a Vampire and I offer you eternal life and love with me….with just one bite
me: hmm.
I’ll get back to you on that.
but thanks!

My mom forwarded me the Psychopath Test this morning, which I already have on the sidebar here. Her personal note on the forward was, “I GOT IT WRONG!” Which is good, cuz it means she doesn’t think like a psychopath. I wrote back to her:

Dear Mom,
I am a psychopath. Sorry you gave birth to someone who will be destructive
to society.
Love, Cindy

I was preparing to write a response placating her and telling her I didn’t really think like a psychopath and that I was kidding because I’d seen the email before, when I got this response from her:

DEAR DAUGHTER- MY DEAR PSYCHOPATH,

SINCE YOU ARE GOING TO TREAT US FOR GRANDMOM’S BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY, WOULD YOU CALL GRANDMOM UP TO LET HER KNOW? SHE WAS SO HAPPY YOU CALLED HER TO WISH HER HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK!

Hey!! I wrote back:

You seem very unconcerned that I’m a psychopath. It’s kind of you to trust me with your mother. She wants to go to Wu Gee Bistro on Azusa. Saturday night is okay with her, we’ll figure out the time later.

My mom’s on a wacky roll today. This morning, an email string was going back and forth between my mom, Mr. W and me regarding an upcoming vacation he and I are planning. We’re going on an organized China tour in the near future and my mom’s got travel agent connections. Plus, she’s gone on 2 organized China tours herself so she has opinions on what places are worth visiting. The gist of the trip is that for about $1500, you get round-trip airfare, all transportation within China, all admissions into special parks or places on the program that require admission fees, all meals, all hotel accomodations (4-star hotels and higher), and tours for an 11-day trip. So my mom’s answering questions, giving us her feedback, telling us what her travel agent was quoting on tour packages and prices. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, this paragraph from her:

11 days trip include Suzhou, wuzhen and Hangzhou, only 9 days trip exclude those places! I’d go for 11 days trip, only $60.00 more and you got 2 more days trip, meal and hotel! Any question, you can email her or call her tel# xxx-xxx-xxxx. She is very nice and she also can arrange Honeymoon trip!

Ehh??? That’s not subtle at all! And she doesn’t even know about a whole bunch of my friends who suddenly got engaged in the past few months. Mr. W thought it was so amusing he read the paragraph aloud to his coworkers.

And then later, my mom emailed me that my grandma’s birthday is this Friday, and that we should go out to dinner to celebrate. So this exchange followed:

Me: okay, we can both make it on Friday night. I suppose I should get Grandma something…what do you suppose she wants for her bday?
Mom: Money?
Me: really? that seems so impersonal.
Mom: Sign your name on it!

What the –? When did my mom get all wacky and smart-ass?