*Warning: Raunchy, Unladylike, Crass Post Ahead*
Today, an ex-DA returned to our courthouse for a hearing on his case, so he thought he’d visit his old courthouse coworkers and get as many people together as possible for lunch. Lunch turned out to be 6 DAs and me. I’ve always enjoyed these DAs’ company, however, because it frees me to put on my bar hat, which is a persona I haven’t worn for a long time. And they seem to accept me for it, and everyone gets a good laugh, no one gets offended at my lack of political correctness. I got to do stuff like this:
DA next to me on cell phone: …It’s definitely brown.
Me: [looking at 2 DAs across from me, who heard the conversation the same time I did because our conversation had just died down when the DA next to me spoke] But with some yellow specks. Yeah, it’s definitely corn.
And then it just went downhill from there, something about stored corn poopies in 25 baby food jars, referencing a story the phone DA told earlier about finding himself in line at the store with 25 tiny baby food jars and a Playstation game.
Or the conversation about one of these DAs’ current trial in another department. I told them I was coming up the elevator with a cup of yogurt in my hand this morning for breakfast, and a court reporter was saying something about her trial. Another reporter said, “Oh, is that the yeast trial?” I said, “Yeast?” thinking it’s a civil lawsuit over product liability and bad bread yeast that didn’t rise or something. The reporters said, “Yes. And it’s the bad kind of yeast, too.” I said, “Oh. Ew!” They confirmed my thoughts with, “Uh-huh.” I looked at my yogurt and suddenly didn’t want it anymore. So at lunch, I asked which one of these DAs have the “yeast trial.” Turned out it’s one of my favorite female DAs, and I asked her what the trial’s about.
Apparently a woman has bruising and rips in and around her vagina and they’re alleging assault, or rather, forced digital penetration, by the male defendant. There are actually photos of this woman’s nether-regions as exhibits. I asked where the yeast comes in. And then the DA said that the defense theory is that the woman did it to herself. She said the alleged victim is about 250 lbs at a height of 5’1″, and the defense says she had a vaginal yeast infection at the time of the alleged crime and the itchiness must’ve made her scratch herself down there so hard that she caused some damage.
I said hesitantly, “Well, large women’s fat folds tend to prevent evaporation so it’s moister down there for ideal yeast cultivating conditions –”
The DA said, “That’s exactly what the defense’s expert witness nurse said. But I argued that to scratch that hard to cause that kind of damage would be like a guy having some jock itch that makes him scratch so hard that he rips off bits and pieces of skin. It’s just not very probable that you could itch that bad.”
The phone DA said, “As we all know from our own itching experiences.”
I followed, “Well. The last time I had crabs…” and had to reassure two of them that I was really just kidding. They laughed, and in the post-laughter silence, I said, “So who ordered bleu cheese?” Everyone did the “Eww!” thing while laughing and exclaimed that they were not going to be able to eat the food when it gets to the table. One proudly touted his decision to have his salad dressing on the side.
I had to run out on them early since I was in trial and had to get back, and it wasn’t until I had said my goodbyes and gone back to my car that I saw I had the guest ex-DA’s suit jacket in my car. I ran it back into the restaurant and as I put it on the back of his chair, I said, “When you strip in someone’s car, you have to make sure to remove all the evidence.” Everyone laughed and he topped me with, “Oh, I thought I’d just pick that up from you tonight.”
Good stuff.