cindy's world

Mr. W got a text yesterday morning where the stepdaughter said she was “coming home” that night. That to me sounded like she was calling this “home,” which means things didn’t work out at her mom’s place and she’s coming back to live with us. I instantly got nauseated and dizzy thinking about all the stress coming with stepdaughter’s past resistance to the household’s current needs for quiet and privacy, and the sleep I’d be losing, and how much harder it’d be to put the baby to sleep and keep her asleep with noise I can’t control. The cat yowling is already bad enough, but I’ve been able to cut him off by making myself visible to him. He’s too polite to yowl when I’m there, and the deep loud territorial sounds will instantly change to gentle softer “meows” as he greets me. And then he stops altogether.

I actually considered taking my mom up on her offer to stay with my parents for awhile with the baby. Mr. W was understandably frustrated. “What do you want me to do?! She has to have a life, too! She’s my daughter, just as SHE (*pointing upstairs toward Allie’s room, where she as napping*) is my daughter.”
“I’m not trying to pick a fight and I can tell by your tone you’re upset at me. I feel like I’m pressed against a wall and I have nowhere to turn. I’m just trying to figure out what to do here. And it’s not just me having a hard time; [stepdaughter] was so resentful of having to live with the new lifestyle of being with a newborn that she tried to move out. I just think it’s easier for a 21-year-old to modify behavior than it is for an infant to modify behavior.”
“So I’ll talk to her. Write down a list of things you me to address with her and I’ll address it.”

Turned out she didn’t return last night, but had texted him saying she’d be here the next day (today). I just did a list, and they’re pretty common sense stuff:
*Respect current household hours (then listing the times her dad’s up in the mornings, the time the baby’s up to start her day, the fact that the baby’s down for the night at 6:30-7a, and her dad and my bedtimes of around 9p or earlier).
*Use front door and not garage whenever possible, especially after household is asleep; garage door rumbles & vibrates beneath baby’s room & sometimes wakes her up.
*Try to keep noise level to a minimum if you observe baby’s napping in the day, and after household has gone to sleep.
*Give prior notice if someone is coming over. Make sure guests respect household hours, too, i.e. with their own noise level.
*Note that noise carries easily upstairs, & altho the baby’s door is somewhat closed, she’s sensitive to sudden noise, & our master bedroom can not be closed becuase Dodo goes in & out, and the baby’s crying needs to be heard. Light therefore also goes in the master bedroom from the living room.
Examples of noises heard: garage door, door between garage & house slamming, talking on cell phone in regular voice in kitchen/hall areas, pots/pans banging in kitchen
*Clean up after self: shoes left in living room over several days are a tripping hazard when carrying baby; put dishes, blankets, etc away after use. Dishes go in dishwasher (instead of it drying out in sink), trash goes in trash cans & not countertops (wrappers, etc). Leave common areas in a condition where others can use it immediately after you without having to put things away or clean up after you first (i.e. laundry half-done in washer & dryer when you leave the house).

I can see Mr. W rolling his eyes at this list, but I think they’re very basic considerate things that anyone ought to do when living with anyone, even a roommate.

My anxiety level is cranked way up right now. Earlier in mid-post, a streetsweeper truck rolled by outside and I watched the monitor in horror as it woke Allie up from her nap. I couldn’t convince her to go down again because she’d napped long enough to not be as tired, altho she really didn’t nap enough at less than an hour. An insufficient nap after soothing her screaming and crying in my ear because she didn’t want to nap and resists when she feels tired, despite all her yawning and eye-rubbing… I was so frustrated I wanted to cry or puke or both. She’s old enough now to be somewhat self-entertained for a least 5-10 minutes, so she’s in the swing right now cooing along with the swing’s music, practicing raising her arms and legs.

I’m totally freaked out.

Allie had a bad night. We went out to a local fish place (Boneheads) for dinner, and she didn’t sleep in the car on the way there, so she basically missed her evening short nap. She did sleep about 20 mins or so in the carrier at the restaurant, after fussing, but that was hardly enough. Since she didn’t get good evening rest, I figured she’d be down solid overnight.

I fed her around 7p, she ate well and actually ate both sides (a feat these few days), and again, I was encouraged, thinking, “She’s well-fed so there’s no reason to get up. Maybe tonight she’ll go back to her normal sleep of 1 awakening overnight or better.” She did fall asleep pretty solidly at 7:40p. But then after that it all unraveled. She was up every 3 hours for food, starting at 11:30p (not since she was a newborn), then 2:40a, then was up at about 3:30a, kicking around, tossing her head left and right, eyes wide open. She’s had 7-8 feedings in 24 hours as opposed to the old 5-6 feedings. I told Mr. W to leave her alone as he started to get up to give her the pacifier, and she did settle down and go back to sleep, but that only lasted until 4:15a or so. At that time, Mr. W wanted me to get sleep, so he went in there and gave her the pacifier. Seeing her settled and sleeping on the monitor, I then fell asleep until almost 7a when I heard a single cry from her. I found out later that since he went in there, she did not sleep for more than 15-20 mins at a time, and he had to keep getting up to put the fallen pacifier back in her mouth, he tried taking her bear “bed” out and putting her on her stomach on the mattress, nothing worked more than that small increment of time. He finally stopped soothing her around 7a knowing that’s when I normally start the day with her with a feeding. Yes, he checked her diaper, and that wasn’t it, either. She just tossed and kicked, wide awake.

Before he went in there around 4a, he suggested that I may be overnapping her in the day, hencing making her less tired at night. I said that day naps and night sleep are independent mechanisms in their heads (something I learned from Dr. Weissbluth’s “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child,” or what I’ve been calling “The Sleep Book” on here). He said that the book was not written by God and I’ve been treating it like gospel, and maybe it doesn’t apply to every child. But Dr. Weissbluth’s a pediatrician specializing in child sleep. 🙁

So now I’m completely lost, like a piece of splinter after a shipwreck tossing about the open sea. Mr. W tried to soothe her into her morning nap and I heard her crying and resisting worst than she’d done in awhile. I went to take a shower, and when I came out, it was quiet. I saw him sleeping on the recliner in her room, holding her, also asleep. I had heard him try to leave her once, before I started my shower, and heard her start crying, then heard him go back in. Now she’s crying again. I know he’s exhausted, frustrated and stressed, and I feel responsible for his exhaustion and stress because they’re caused by my baby, and that, along with my own stress over the baby’s mysterious behavior right now, has me doubly stressed.

Why does this shit always happen on the weekends when I can’t email my pediatrician?!

Grandma (my mom) came over yesterday and gave Allie a new hat she’d knitted.

It was a little big, but I think Allie’s going to grow into it really soon. How else could I explain the extra feeding she’s been cramming in the past 6 nights straight? Must be the 3-month growth spurt. For the past week, she hasn’t been sleeping through the night anymore. She has her last meal for the day at 7pm (I advanced this from 8:30ish, so this may have something to do with her awakenings, too), hits the hay, then wakes up around midnight-ish to eat, then again around 4ish to eat. Taking away a 9pm-ish meal drops her feedings to 5 a day instead of the usual 6, but I thought she was ready for it. At least, she was before she got sick. So some of the night feedings could also be because she doesn’t feel good so she eats so little in the day now; 5 minutes, 1 side, and she refuses to eat more, so she’s making up her calories in the middle of the night. I guess time will tell.
“Thanks for the hat, grandma!”

Since finding her fingers, Allie has been busy tasting them. Given that, I’ve also paid special attention to her hands, making sure her nails are short so she doesn’t wake up with new scratches on her nose and then eats whatever’s in her fingernails. It’s amazing the random lint you find between baby finger and baby palm crevices.

This photo doesn’t depict it, but her feet already reach the BOTTOMS of her long sleep sacks. I wonder how tall she is now. When she stands (assisted for balance, but she carries pretty much her own weight on her legs), she seems pretty darn tall. My mom says, “What are you gonna do? When she’s older and you need to slap her, you’d have to reach way up!” *making effortful-sounding grunts as she makes a motion like she’s attempting to spike a volleyball over a high net* “You’d have to tell her to bend down so you can hit her!” Ah, first generation parents. The stuff they think about.

Nebulizer treatment given…check.
Baby changed and fed…check.
Baby napping…check.
Baby laundry done and put away…check.
Dishwasher unloaded and dishes put away…check.
Lunch eaten…check.
Checks for bills and stuff written…check.
Got mail and package…check.
What’s missing? Oh yes, the hubby. =/

A friend had once said that the thing she hated most about married life is the constant waiting. Feeling like her day isn’t complete and her evening hasn’t started until he comes in the door from work. Life is on hold while waiting for him. I’ve certainly been watching the clock more rigorously than before I was on maternity leave. “He’s just starting his work now.” “He’s almost at lunchtime.” “He should be back from lunch now.” “He should be getting ready to leave now.” And then, in what seems like forever and yet oddly quickly when counted in terms of baby nap periods, “YAY! DADDY’S HOME!,” I tell Allie.

The package I received was from BabyComfyNose, the mouth-powered booger sucker thing I ordered over the weekend. I was eager to try it, but wouldn’t you know it, by the time I had the package open and the tube set up, Allie was looking at me innocently from her high chair at the dining table, lips sealed, breathing comfortably through her nose. I laughed at her. She laughed her toothless gummy wide-mouthed laugh back.

I’ve noticed when feeding her on the living room couch that when I sit her up to burp, she looks with intense interest at something toward the front door, probably about 7-8 feet up. As she learned to smile socially in the past month or so, she’d break out in a big open-mouthed smile in that direction, her eyes curling into little downward-facing crescents in her jolliness. Today, she did the same thing, but made laughing sounds. It seems like she’s staring at the silver-framed engagement photo of her father and me, hanging on our wall near the front door. (See 3rd photo from the bottom for a picture of said photo and frame from this previous wedding post.) “What’re you smiling at?” I’ve asked her often. “Do you recognize that photo? Were you there in spirit that day when we took it?” She’s remained as silent about that mystery as she remains entertained by the photo.

Maybe she just thinks it’s funny to see her mommy and daddy all dressed up and spiffy-looking cuz we certainly don’t look like that anymore. Especially not me; it’s a rare day if I even pop in contact lenses.

Yesterday morning started out a little rough; Allie had a coughing fit so bad that she vomited again. She whimpered, eyes and nose red from the strain, then jumped right back into her smile. She napped pretty decently all day, sleeping past the time I’d expected and missing a feeding. Maybe it was the hard rain pouring that made her sleepy. Late morning, she woke up sloshy and congested and seemed crabbier than normal, so I did the saline + nasal bulb aspiration. Of course she cried. I got some stuff out, but not an incredible amount. I’d read the instructions on the nebulizer while she was napping and tested putting it together, so I gave her a treatment. She struggled, screamed and cried through the whole 15-20 minutes, a heartbreaking little tear trickling out from the outside corner of each eye.

It started raining harder during her afternoon nap, which seemed to make her sleep deeper. I had plenty of time to research RSV viruses and it scared me. I went on the social networking site and shot out a status message regarding the rain and the nanny interview scheduled for that evening in an outdoor shopping mall where I’d have to take the baby in a stroller and hope she doesn’t get too wet from the parking structure to the meeting place. Should I change the meeting place to our home? But then given how contagious and bad this virus is, it’s pretty effed up to risk giving it to someone else. With the encouragement of friends, I called Susanne (the German lady) and left her a voice mail about 2 hours 15 mins before we were supposed to meet. I explained that as it was raining so hard and Allie has a bad virus, we should reschedule our meeting. I figured she lives about a half hour from the location, she wouldn’t have left yet, but when I got her voice mail I was concerned. She called me back when I was changing Allie and left a voice mail, saying she’d left to meet us already and was driving so she couldn’t pick up the phone. She was nice about it, said with the baby sick and the rain, she understood, and we’ll just reschedule the interview. When I called back later, I again got her vm and I apologized, saying I didn’t realize she would’ve left that early and sorry for the drive for nothing. I explained it’s hard for me to get the phone sometimes with the baby and maybe email is better. Later in the evening, I got an email from her that I was afraid to open, but she was very nice, again.

“Hi Cindy,
sorry it didn’t worked out today. I hope the baby is doing better soon. I completely understand that you didn’t wanted to take her out in the rain today and it wasn’t any problem for me. I just hit the freeway and wasn’t far away from home at all so I just took the next exit and turned around. So no worries… I love driving 😉
Well just let me know for when we could rearrange the appointment and I hope to meet you soon.
Have a great night and Happy late Valentines…
Susanne”

Mr. W was sure we’d lost her. Now I almost feel obligated to hire her. =P I also emailed Diane, the woman with the looong drive to come to us, and explained about the sickness and asked to reschedule. She also wrote back nicely, said her son had the same virus when he was a baby and it was scary for her. She wished our family a speedy recovery and asked me to schedule the interview once we’re well.

The rest of the evening and so far today, Allie seemed a little better. Altho she still coughed and occasionally gags after a coughing fit, she didn’t vomit again. Mr. W had her between 6-7p while I took a shower. At one point I heard him say he needed to clear her nose and I heard crying (from the baby). Later I peeked downstairs to see Allie sitting on his lap looking at the computer monitor while baby rock music (Journey) played on media player, and he was giving her the nebulizer treatment…with no protest! Allie was fed at 7p, fell asleep soon after, but woke up again around 9:30p and had a hard time going back down. I stayed with her in her room until past 11p to do the pacifier thing.

She was napping nicely but now is having a fit. I thought she was better but maybe not yet… Gotta run to her.

The pediatric team called me when they got my email concerning Allie’s current symptoms. They told me to bring her in to be re-seen given that it’s been over a week of her symptoms and she’s gotten worse. We saw a pediatrician we hadn’t met before, but she was also very nice. Listening to the “whistling” in Allie’s lungs, she narrowed the virus down to two, and they’re both bad news. They’re very hard on the lungs and they’ve already gotten other babies hospitalized because they couldn’t breathe well through the sickness. The doctor said that considering what Allie has, she’s doing well with it, so I must be giving her good antibodies in the breastmilk and made her strong.
She showed us how to use the nasal bulb aspirator, and demonstrated how to squirt saline in each nostril before suctioning them. She used a lot more saline than I thought I could; she squirted from a disposable pack, more than the 1-2 drops I’d read I was to be using. Then she suctioned pretty much how we’d done it, and also brought out almost nothing. The mucus is likely farther back. So to help her breathe better, the doctor had us use a nebulizer, which is a machine that turns the saline into vapor, which is then delivered through a little gas mask. The doctor told us to hold the baby with the mask in front of her face, not attached, for the 15-20 minutes it took to vaporize the small package of saline.

After the treatment, the doctor returned to listen to Allie’s lungs again, and said it sounded better. So she sent us home with our own nebulizer machine, a giant box of individual saline packages, extra masks, tubing and accessories, and all we had to pay was the $5 copay for the prescription saline.
Allie was a trooper. Even though she was being tortured, she still cooed at the doctor and smiled at her. The doctor was charmed. “You’re still speaking to me, after I tortured you? And you’re smiling at me now, too?”

I kept thinking I was avoiding the worst of this bug, considering how miserable Mr. W was when he had it. I had a touch of tonsillitis last Wednesday, got the sniffles for 2 days after, and I thought that was it. But then the sneezing and coughing set in. And now my throat feels raw, I’m still coughing, and this evening I felt like there was compression against my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. If this is what Allie went through and she still smiles and coos and sings along with me, then she has a very high tolerance for pain and an amazing disposition. Even after a coughing fit that has her gasping and wheezing for breath, she returns immediately to her old self, eyes red from the strain, as if there were never that interruption to whatever she was doing.

She slept better today, going down for hours each nap. Because she skipped the last nap from being at the doctor’s, she went to bed early (fed her at 7p, she was asleep by 8p) and is sleeping now.

*** ADDENDUM 2/15/12
I just checked Allie’s past-visit information online on the Kaiser website. The current diagnosis is upper respiratory infection, plus bronchiolitis. I looked up bronchiolitis and all sorts of stuff about RSV virus came up, so that’s probably what she has.

GIFTS…
I’ve gotten a gift delivered to me every week for the past 3 weeks from Mr. W. Once it was beautiful sunny yellow roses in a white pitcher with a card that said it was from Allie and Mr. W, and that they love me, and that I’m the best mother and wife ever. That came in the really bad week I had when I cried constantly, not being able to get Allie to nap, so I joked that Allie felt bad and wanted to apologize for her difficulty. The next week it was a box of big frosted shortbread cookies in the shapes of red hearts, white hearts, and green frogs wearing yellow crowns. The gift message said it was from Allie, for daddy’s sweet tooth and for her sweet tooth, too. I joked that I think Allie has got her hands on Mr. W’s credit card. Last week, I got a giant bouquet of something like 3 dozen large red roses in a beautiful teardrop glass vase. Mr. W said it was for Valentine’s Day, and didn’t give Allie credit this time. The card said it was from him, and “I love you! You are such a wonderful mom and terrific wife.”

So here’s how sick I am in the head… instead of it making me feel happy and appreciated, which is clearly the goal, I feel like crap because I don’t think I deserve it. Now I feel guilty that he’s having to waste his money on me to keep reassuring me that I’m doing a fine job on maternity leave, when the baby’s sick and I can’t do anything about it, and she’s not eating well, napping well, breathing well. I emailed the pediatrician earlier to tell him her current symptoms now that she’s on day 10 of this cold, to ask him if there’s anything else I can do, such as use a decongestant. I’m concerned all the mucus sitting in there for the past 10 days is going to cause a secondary infection in her sinuses or ears. I keep seeing other kids walk around with their parents and I think, “I can’t wait till Allie gets to that age so I don’t have to worry about this baby stuff anymore, I can just talk to her and she’ll understand and it’ll be easier.” But I’m sure it’s NOT easier because at that age, the kids probably have public tantrums and say hurtful things to their parents and refuse to do things like sleep or eat or get dressed. And I feel guilty for wishing away these precious baby times when I’ll probably look back in the future and think, “I should’ve appreciated those days more; they were so much easier than these days.”

…SHRINKS…
I have my first psych session with whomever the 2nd therapist/counselor/psychiatrist is at 2pm today. My parents are coming over to watch the baby while I go. I’m afraid they’re going to catch what we all have and for that reason I didn’t have them visit this past weekend. Today, however, I have no choice. My dad took the day off because he’s loathe to miss too many consecutive days of Allie; as it is, he talks about how much she’s grown and changed in between the week since he’d last seen her. My mom may have switched her normal day off (she’s on a 4-longer-days workweek schedule instead of 5 regular days) to today. I’m nervous about a recurrence of what happened the last time my mom came over and wouldn’t respect Allie’s need to sleep and kept picking her up, claiming Allie was up. Right now Allie is doing her morning nap, and she wouldn’t nap more than 10-20 minutes each segment yesterday, so she really needs to nap well today. She’s been down a little over an hour so far, but woke up 3 times already crying and I had to run up and put the pacifier in her mouth to soothe her back down. I’ll have to insist that my parents do this instead of what my mom really wants to do, which is go, “Oh, she’s crying, she needs to be comforted and she’s clearly awake, so I’m going to pick her up,” and that’s the end of that nap even though Allie’s exhausted and still wants to sleep. My mom also complained last time that Allie’s room’s too stuffy. Well, the humidifier makes it that way for a reason, and she needs to not air it out.

…AND NANNIES…
This is also the nanny concern. I need someone whom I feel will take care of Allie by doing what’s best for Allie, not someone who just wants to play with or hold a baby all day. It’s clear to me now that Allie doesn’t sleep well or deeply when she’s in motion, such as when she’s held or when she’s in the car. Whomever naps Allie must put her down for restful sleep, and let her get enough of it. I would love it if, when I leave for work each day, I feel like the person with Allie has more experience than I do and can do a better job than I can, which really shouldn’t be hard cuz I have a whole 2.5 months of infant experience so far. And I need someone who can teach me about progressing the baby, such as “Now is a good time to start introducing her to sippy cups.” Cuz I don’t know any of that stuff. The overqualified CNCS (certified newborn care specialist) who’s the reason I joined this nanny site finally checked the email, told me to call her last nite, and eliminated herself. She said the start time of 6:30a is really too early for her as it makes for a long day to go till 5:30p. It was nice of her to do that, and I was having the impression that she’s the type who’s busy doing something else and will likely ditch us for a better job anyway, which seems like what she’s doing now. She said she currently has a job starting at 8am and she’s already having trouble getting there at that hour. So if she’s present employed, and she’s looking for something else, I wonder if the other job knows that. I’d freak if she did that to us and we’re left out in the cold. But at least she brought me to join the website, where I hopefully will find the right fit.
I had an interview scheduled with Mr. W’s 2nd choice (1st being the CNCS), a person named Sara, for Wednesday. She’s one who’d contacted me through the site and we’d exchanged some emails and she seemed very experienced in infant routines and such. After we confirmed Wednesday’s interview, she wrote me back immediately and said that someone she’d interviewed with the weekend before I joined the site just called her and asked her to do a trial run, so she was letting me know she’d be unavailable. I wrote back and wished her luck, thanking her for promptly letting me know. My impression of Sara was that she’s competent, but was more formal with us so there’s less of a friendly relationship, which I’m not sure matters because her job is taking care of Allie, not being our friend, right?
Mr. W’s 3rd choice is the 31 yr old German lady, Susanne. We scheduled her interview in Sara’s former time slot, Wednesday evening. She’s enthusiastic and friendly, and has au pair and experience with infants and kids, but because she’s a German national, Mr. W is curious what her connections are here. I’m interested in whether there would be a cultural difference in parenting philosophies. She doesn’t seem to have extensive nannying experience with infants, and she was a teacher in Germany as her last formal occupation. I feel like I’d get along with her more on a peer level, but I don’t want Allie to suffer in getting competent care.
And then there’s a 59 yr old who lives 40 miles away who emailed me over the weekend, wanting to interview for the position. Her credentials look great on paper, saying she’s registered with Trustline, is CPR and 1st Aid certified, has certification for TB and flu shots. I emailed back pointing out that she’d have to drive 40 miles by 6:30 in the morning, and she wrote back that it’s not a problem, that a prior job required her to be there at 5am “over several months” and she was never late (why such a short job?). Her baby experience seems to be with child protective service departments’ infant units, and I’d written back asking if she’d had specific *nanny* experience with infants, and she replied about her experience with infants in a general way. She was eager for an interview and I scheduled it for Thursday evening, and figured I could ask her specific experience questions in person. I wonder why she’d be willing to drive so far, and what ended her child protective services jobs.
I don’t think I’m going to interview the 22 year old who’s transferring to UC Irvine to be a full-time student and wants to nanny full-time for us in the day. She may be able to juggle it, but I don’t want Allie to be the experiment. Plus, what about changing class schedules every semester? Finals weeks? Her wanting to do college student stuff like hang with friends?
Best location is a woman the next city over (minutes away) who emailed me. She has experience teaching preschool to elementary school, but when I wrote back asking if she’s had specifically nanny experience with infants, she hadn’t written back (altho the site tells me she read the email).
Why’s it so hard to find credentialed, experienced, knowledgable people who live nearby and could give us reliable nanny service as a live-out? =/ Too bad the woman who sounds PERFECT who’s moving here from out-of-state wants a live-in situation, only. That was Mr. W’s true #1 choice except that she’s not really in the running because she wants to be a live-in. She did tell me to keep her contact information so she could maybe sit for us on weekends or times when the regular nanny isn’t available.

In all this nanny-hunting angst when I’m desperate to find a great person for Allie, there’s also a growing concern that Allie will bond with the nanny, spending so much more time with her than with us, and will want the nanny on weekends or evenings instead of us. I can already see that Allie seeks me for comfort instead of Mr. W, and I’ll soon be spending the same little time with her as Mr. W does once I return to work.

Since Allie’s been sick, she’s having a hard time breathing thru her nose, is horribly congested, & has a phlegmy-sounding cough. Newly added, she eats very little & pulls off the breast & bottle crying. I can’t get her to latch, so more often than not, one side gets uncomfortably engorged from her skipping it until the next meal. The nasal aspirator bulb can’t get to the mucus I hear messing with her breathing, the elevated mattress makes her slide down the crib when she kicks around, the shower steam & room humidifier may or may not be helping, I can’t tell. She took a long time to go to sleep last night after a long fit of crying when I couldn’t get her to relatch on the other side. I was angry to be so helpless & frustrated, & I’m trying not to freak out even now.

Me: I understand now the huge sacrifice you made when you decided you want to marry me.
Mr. W: And don’t you forget it.

…thank you for knowing the difference between what I want, and what I need. And thank you for always giving me what I need, especially when it’s in direct conflict with what I want.

I’ve started the nanny search. I initially looked into two full-service nanny agencies each with its own prescreened (allegedly) nannies whom they’ve interviewed, prequalified and meet minimum requirements like passing background checks and being infant CPR-certified. These agencies will match and send nannies that fit my requirements and needs to me for interviews. I pay the agency a referral fee if/when I hire one of their prospects. The problem: the referral fee is approximately 10% of the nanny’s annual salary, due in a lump sum, so we’re looking at $4K-ish paid to an agency to make the introductions.

Because the full-service agencies are so expensive, Mr. W looked into preschools. There are two local Montessories and a local preschool who would take an infant 4 months old, which is how old Allie will be at the time I return to work. However, it breaks my heart that Allie would have to be plucked out of bed at 6am every morning to be sent into a loud roomful of strangers and strange crying babies and toddlers. She won’t get personal attention, they may not have time to soothe her and respect her nap schedule, and she’ll likely get sick — a lot. Given how this cold is already killing me, hearing Allie slosh around in her sinuses and being unable to clear that mucus for her (the nasal aspirator bulb only sucks out what’s in her nostrils), hearing her phlegmy cough interrupt her sleeping, I can’t imagine having her in this condition being a regular thing. She’ll get sick as she goes to kindergarten and elementary school, why put her through this as an infant? Poor thing’s having a hard time napping because she can’t breathe well and can’t use her pacifier if she needs to breathe through her mouth. BTW, I raised her mattress with a pillow on one end, lengthwise, yesterday. We sleep her perpendicularly in her crib, so if she slides down the incline she won’t go more than a couple of inches, if that. And she does slide down until her feet hit the side of the crib. *sigh*

I signed up for a compromise yesterday — an online nanny database site. I’ve seen this site referred to a few times by people reviewing the nanny agencies. Sure, I’ll have to set up, contact, research my own candidates, but it’s $100/month vs. $4000. If I don’t have any luck with the database site, I could always then pay the big bucks for the nanny agencies. I’ve contacted two promising-looking nannies looking for jobs, and two have on their own contacted me through the site. Of the two I’d contacted, one was the reason I joined the site, but she hadn’t checked the email yet. She seems overqualified, but that’s what I want. =P The other is a 31-year-old German lady who did respond with interest and seems very nice. She’s open for an interview. Of the two who contacted me, one seems perfect and also a touch overqualified, but she wants to be a live-in because she’s moving from out-of-state. I wrote back and said that depends on whether we’ll have a bedroom free once Mr. W’s 21 yr old daughter makes up her mind whether she wants to stay or move out. Really, tho, I’m not sure I want a live-in because it does affect my privacy and freedom. Plus, how will I know her lifestyle will be compatible with ours? The stepdaughter came by yesterday to pick up some more things, which she’d apparently given her dad a heads-up about, but didn’t tell him when. The time she chose was 9:45pm, again after she knows the household is usually asleep. I happened to be up searching for nannies online. She said she had “a few things to print” and took out her laptop and started printing. Her dad heard and came downstairs. I immediately switched to the nanny cam to check on the baby, because the printer is noisy and is downstairs in the living room. I bit my tongue, but was very grateful Mr. W said, “You need to come over earlier if you want to print things; you can hear how noisy that is.” She didn’t respond, which tells me she’s biting her tongue and thinking, “Now I can’t even PRINT, either?” I’d already explained to her in our talk that it’s not the activity; it’s the time. Anyway, I just don’t want this type of thing to be an issue with a live-in nanny. It’ll be hard to tell an adult stranger, “You’re being too noisy too late! Go to bed already!”

I guess I’m gonna be passing names through to Rebecca soon…