cindy's world

Have you guys ever had difficulty being able to distinguish between a genuine relationship/friendship, and one that’s more etiquette-based in which someone is just being fake to get along? I never thought I did.

There’s a guy I work with whom I thought I was on pretty friendly terms with, something beyond just a mutual work location thing. We used to hang out after work or chat about pretty personal stuff. It occurred to me yesterday that maybe I think we’re better friends than he does. Well, yesterday wasn’t the first time it’d occurred to me, it was just the first time I really considered it as a possibility. And with that possibility, I felt bad that I may have been a bit presumptuous in my friendly behavior and comments to him. Maybe I should’ve just left him alone and stopped initiating the goofy, teasing contact. Call me sensitive, but I can only initiate so many times and be unacknowledged (he doesn’t exactly ignore me) before I start thinking that he doesn’t care to hear from me. This wouldn’t even have been on my mind except that apparently, my subconsious was disturbed enough about it to have created a dream last nite that resolved the issue. In the dream, we were at work and some holiday party function was going on, and we hung out and chatted and enough personal opinions and info were exchanged to make me comfortable that we were still in each other’s confidences.

Oh, well. I’m sure he’s busy, too.

I’m blogging on my laptop off of my new wireless router! Yay! I’m too cheap to buy one so I’ve been “borrowing” internet access when on my laptop at home, but lately the reception’s just been horrible. Unless I want to get up, go to the den and turn on the desktop, I just skip blogging altogether when I’m at home.

This wireless router’s free. It came in one of those buy-this-laptop-for-a-bijillion-bucks, get-a-router-and-printer-free-after-rebates store deals. My mother wants a laptop for Christmas, and they already have wireless set up on their DSL, so I’m stealing the one that came with her package. I’m not sure whether to be impressed by her technological thirst, or annoyed at her frivolous impracticality and wastefulness, that she wants a laptop to play with downstairs in their living room despite the fact that she and my dad each have their own desktop set up right next to each other in their computer room.

In any case, I got a free wireless router! Yay! Well, it’ll be free in about 10 weeks, anyway, when the refund is processed and mailed to me.

Good Lord! I’m covering 3 courts today, all of which have stuff going on. Thank goodness 2 are next door to each other. And thank goodness I’m on very good terms with these judges that they’re okay with juggling me. I’m exhilarated from the activity. The courtroom I’m in now had a civil Mandatory Settlement Conference that settled its case; a civil Default Prove-up Hearing (sort of like a mini-trial); a criminal probation case where the defendant had to bring in proof that he registered as a sex offender and has signed up for various counseling classes; and presently, a criminal kidnapping/threats/assault/cruelty to a child trial with one of my favorite DAs. And my college roommie DIANA, who’s an attorney, by the way, JUST called my cell phone and I had to chuck my singing purse out the courtroom. Sorry D, I’ll call you later when we’re not in session or something. My courtroom doesn’t have reception so I didn’t expect to have to turn off the cell. I didn’t know this courtroom has, apparently, great reception. Anyway, the courtroom next door had a family law divorce case where they were disputing who gets to keep the house; and a criminal case reviewing a post-sentencing report. My own courtroom has a panicking judge who needs to get his family law trial ruling out and mailed by today. He just got it done and it’s 2:27pm. I’m still waiting for the copies so that I can do my part for the computer records and mailings.

We’re really short on courtroom clerks today. Apparently lots of people called in sick, and people’s parents are dying off and there’re a lot of people on bereavement leave. It seems like at the end of the year, people just drop off the face of the globe and it leaves me wondering why they’re leaving en masse, what they know that I don’t know, while the rest of us are hanging around like a bunch of suckers. I can think of 4 people related to this courthouse or this court’s employees who died this December already. Another coworker’s dad is hanging at the brink in the hospital, we’re dreading getting the phone call at any moment.

Well, I still got to hit the gym at lunch today, ran a tough mile at a near-sprint for a warmup and then hit the weights. A friend who was working overtime at the courthouse a couple of weeks ago had asked me as I was leaving at lunchtime whether I was leaving for the gym. I had answered that I was. “All right. Tear it up,” he’d said. I like how that’s put. I like to think I’m tearing it up. Altho to look at the numbers (weight and fat percentage) alone, it’d appear I’m wasting my time.

Thomas tagged me, so I suppose the result is that I have to list 5 random facts about myself. You’d think that wouldn’t be hard, but what new things can I put out there in cyber blog world that my readers don’t already know?

1.) My favorite author in elementary school, and I still have a bunch of her books that are falling apart and probably older than me, is Beverly Cleary.

2.) I knew I wanted to write when I was 7, mainly because my Aunt Jessica (my cousins Diana and Jennifer’s mother) shared her fantasy that I would be the next Amy Tan, and then she’d be interviewed and she’d say to the reporter, “It was all my idea! I told her she should be a famous author.” My first poem was written at age 7, when I was still struggling with the English language. It was inspired by a really pretty doll with a wind-up base such that it turns slowly and plays music, and the poem goes like this:
“My little doll stands in front of me
With its glaring eyes and little feet.
Although I know it is quite old,
It still doesn’t have anything like the mold.”

3.) I love watching phase changes in burning objects. I think fire behavior is almost the exact same but opposite of water, it’s like upside-down water with a reversed polarity. Watching things burn and change is endlessly fascinating to me.

4.) My rose-tinted lenses work the opposite from most people’s. Instead of having a “honeymoon” period, my rosy outlook is weakest in the beginning, and the blushing hue deepens the more I’m with someone. Some time into the relationship, I have to be seriously hurt by the person for those glasses to fall off, whereas in the beginning I’m almost looking for an excuse to jump ship.

5.) The quickest way to my heart is to get my quirky jokes and comments, and bonus points if you can play along.

Okay, now I understand I can tag other people. Those people I tag, if you decide to do this on your own blogs, please comment on this post and leave me a link or something to your tag entry. But I won’t take it personally if you guys don’t participate. I tag Mike, Diana, and both Jens (my cousin and my friend) and my cousin Mark in an attempt to get them to blog something, ANYTHING.

I had a great little run at lunch today. I tried a new treadmill program called Alpine Pass. The simulated course starts with a flat walk, then increases in speed and incline to hit two long hills, and an eventual cooldown. When the incline is 0 (flat), it’s a brisk jog at 6mph. When the incline is at max (3% grade), the speed slows down to 5.5 mph. The total run including warmup and cooldown was 3.75 miles in 42 minutes. My curls have, for the most part, fallen out of my hair, but it was worth it. I’m feeling good.

This song is stuck in my head:

“4 Season of Loneliness” – Boyz II Men

I long for the warmth of days gone by,
When you were mine,
But now those days are memories in time.
Life’s empty without you by my side.
My heart belongs to you, no matter what I try.
When I get the courage up to love somebody new,
It always falls apart ’cause they just can’t compare to you.
Your love won’t release me, I’m bound under ball and chain,
Reminiscing our love, as I watch four seasons change.

CHORUS:
In comes the Winter breeze,
That chills the air and drifts the snow.
And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe.
When Springtime make its way here,
Lilac blooms remind me of the scent of your perfume.
When Summer burns with heat I always get the hots for you,
Go skinny dipping in the ocean where we used to do.
When Autumn sheds the leaves the trees are bare,
When you’re not here, it doesn’t feel the same.

Remember the nights when we closed our eyes,
And vowed that you and I would be in love for all time.
Anytime I think about these things I shared with you,
I break down and cry ’cause I get so emotional.
Until you release me I’m bound under ball and chain,
Reminiscing our love, as I watch four seasons change.

REPEAT CHORUS.

This loneliness has crushed my heart,
Please let me love again.
‘Cause I need your love to comfort me and ease my pain,
Or 4 seasons will bring,
The loneliness again.

REPEAT CHORUS.

Remember the warmth of days gone by?

This morning, I had a conversation that reminded me of another conversation. Some time ago, I was dating a guy for a few months when it became apparent that this was not headed toward a relationship, this was stuck as a fling. I didn’t feel at that time in my life that I wanted a frivolous fling, especially not with him. I could see the potential for my really falling for him, so I talked to him about it. I told him that I can see where he is, and that’s fine because of his past experiences and his future plans, he has every reason to be where he is right now… except that where he is right now is not where I am, and since I don’t want to continue further only to get hurt, we should stop seeing each other. I tried to make it clear that I’m not asking him to change or to commit to me, it’s simply an acknowledgment of the chasm between where we are relationship-wise and where we want to be, and I was going to move on without him. He reiterated to me all the reasons why he believed he will never get married, how messed up the women are out there at least in this country, and he said, “It’s just that it’s so hard to find a woman these days who has more to bring to the table than her own bills.” The effect that statement had on me was solid confirmation that it has to be over because he did not see me. If he did, he would see that I am not out to trap a man, contribute nothing and expect to be taken care of. He would see that I have no revolving payments, not even car payments, except for mortgage because I don’t expect a man to support me the rest of my life. He would see that I have property, investments, retirement plans, and savings because I place my priorities on planning for the future, not on shoes, clothes and jewelry while waiting for some sucker to come along and wipe my ass with his dollar bill. To get hitched is easy; to be a good partner takes thought, consideration, work, mental and physical preparation. I’ve always thought that the worse the general female populace is with their gold-digging selfish taking-advantage ways, the better it is for me because men of good character will see the difference. They will. Won’t they?

If I’m projecting fling vibes without knowing it, I guess I just screwed myself. But I believe that a man, the right man, will see me for who I am, and even if he thinks the institution of marriage in this country is crap, he will know I am not one of these women who continue to give marriage and divorce a bad name, and he will be with me because I’m me; he won’t not be with me because of other women’s characters.

My Hungry, Hungry Hippos game was a hit. It got stolen 3 times and was finally retained by my cousin. My cousin’s gift was stolen 3 times, and was finally retained by me. For anyone who has never participated in a white elephant exchange, it’s a gift-giving game in which each participant brings a wrapped gift, then numbers are drawn by lot to determine the order of the turns. The first person up picks a wrapped gift and unwraps it for all to see. The next person can choose to either steal the first gift, or to take a chance at another wrapped gift. The third person up can choose either to steal any exposed gift, or to unwrap another gift. This keeps going until the last gift is unwrapped and everyone has had a turn. If someone’s gift is stolen, the now gift-less person can steal another gift, or take one from the wrapped pile. Once a gift is stolen 3 times, it’s locked to the 3rd person and can no longer be stolen. This was my first white elephant exchange party. My wrapped selection gave me a bottle of Bailey’s, which I love, which Mr. W stole from me to force me to steal from someone else. The reason he did this, he said, was because when this game was explained to me last week, I expressed my inability to steal a gift from someone who really wants it. It’s just mean. I’m more apt to let them keep whatever they want, and I’ll just take from the wrapped pile, which is what I did! When my Bailey’s was stolen from me, I was just gonna take the last wrapped pile present, but everyone yelled that I would end the game and they apparently wanted to keep going, so I finally stole from a guy the gift of a cream-colored chenille throw and the DVD The 40 Year Old Virgin. I’d really wanted to see the movie, anyway.

I had fun. Lots of great food and people. And a hyper Jack Russel terrier named Mr. Burns.

Friday morning I was getting ready in the bathroom when Dodo walked in and meowed persistently. I finally stopped and inquired as to his needs. He meowed again, looking up at me as though passing some dire information on to me telepathically. I looked down and noticed vomit on the inside of his cone. “Oh, no, you threw up,” I said, wiping him. I looked around to see where he’d thrown up. That was weird, cuz it’s not like he’s gonna have hairballs to cough up when he can’t lick himself with the cone on. I saw a little pile of vomit with pink sticking out. Great. He’d swallowed, and now hacked up, some ribbon that I’d been wrapping my gifts with the night before. I cleaned that up, got dressed, and with my arms full of presents that I was bringing to work, rushed toward the stairs…and stepped in a cold pile of vomit. I was grossed out, took a step back, and my other foot was christened with another pile. I stopped and just screamed. So I cleaned that up, as well as another pile IN his cat bed, the genius cat, and now totally late for work, rushed into the garage, opened it, and saw that the tar machine and tarp were set up again and blocking my egress from the garage. So that was Friday morning.

Friday evening was much better. I sat through 1.5 hours of traffic to get to my mechanic’s shop, a drive that should’ve been 20 minutes, and got my oil changed. Since I was now 2 miles from my parents’ house, I went and visited them and got that out of the way for the weekend. I feel bad that visiting my parents sounds like a chore, but I have a busy weekend scheduled. I had dinner with my mom, my dad was again nowhere to be seen, then I came home to finish off chores. I was happy to get my 4 Fantom Fury belts and replacement bulbs in the mail at work, so that means I can finally vacuum! I maneuvered around the tar machine that was still there, managed to park awkwardly in my garage, came inside, replaced the rubber belt and the light bulb in the vacuum. When that baby started up and the headlamp shone on, I gave a happy laugh. I love that upright. I was glad I didn’t toss it and replace it like I had been planning to do. I did actually buy a Shark canister vacuum when I couldn’t find the Fury replacement belts in the stores, but I returned it as its performance and ease of care were so inferior to the upright Fantom Fury. When I first got the Fury, I was so excited at how great it was that I vacuumed twice a day, even hauled that thing to my parents’ and vacuumed their house. I stopped vacuuming that much when the neighbor that lived in the apartment directly underneath mine at the time came upstairs and pounded angrily on my door, then demanded I stop vacuuming as it’s keeping her from sleeping and she has to work early in the morning. What the hell else was there to do when one has insomnia at 3am?! I think that was when my bad TV habit started. Hmm.

This is an extremely stream-of-consciousness post. Trying to get back on track here. So Friday, I finished up laundry, brushed my cat, had a banana for dinner. These light meals, along with the 4.5 miles I ran at lunch Friday, brought my weight down to…a pound heavier than I was Thursday!

Why do I bother?

I hadn’t been spending a lot of time at home, so all the chores (and cat hairs) were piling up. But I had the best Thursday and Friday evenings ever! Well okay, not “ever,” that might be offensive to some people. Thursday after work, I got to fill up my car for the lowest gasoline price anyone had ever seen in awhile ($2.07/gallon). Then I went to Drug Emporium and bought stuff I’d been needing for awhile, i.e. contact solution, shampoo/conditioner, eyelash curler, etc. I found a little clear plastic cosmetic organizer stand that has 12 slots in which you can insert all your lipsticks, mascaras, eyeliners and stuff, so they’re not laying all over the counter. I had been looking for such an item for years! I don’t know why suddenly nobody seemed to carry it anymore. I was so excited at seeing it for $5 that I bought 2. Now the 2nd one is sitting in its box on the counter. I have no idea what I’m gonna do with it. It’s not like it’d run out.

Anyway, I then went to the grocery store and bought a fruity dinner: 2 Red Delicious apples, a cluster of organic bananas. Next was to hit up Longs Drugstore to look for a ChiaPet. There’s a white elephant Christmas potluck tonite at my cousins’ house, and I bought Hungry Hungry Hippos (all you who grew up with me in the 80s, you know this is a ‘bitchin’ gift), but that was only $15 and the gift guideline was $20. I really, honestly thought ChiaPets were like $3-$4 bucks, cuz really, who has them out here? Turns out nope, they’re $17.99. So I’m gonna tape some lottery scratcher tickets on the wrapped gift instead. Mine’ll be the only gift that, altho budgeted at $20, has the potential of being $10,000. But I digress. I went to the pet store and bought cat food and cat litter. Then I went home.

When I got home, I was greeted by a shock. The roofer people left their huge tar-mixing machine thing smack in the middle of the driveway with tarp all over the driveway! There was no way I could maneuver my car into my garage. It was also blocking two other garages across the driveway from me. I had a total fit, called the association secretary, who in turn called the roofing company’s owner. Meanwhile, a new neighbor whom I hadn’t met yet came out and helped me move the tarp aside, and with the association treasurer’s help (he came out to see what I was screaming bloody murder over), I managed to back my car into my garage around all the crap laying around the driveway, so that I could get out and go to work in the morning. They were so nice that I felt bad for being so pissed off earlier, but it’s a total peeve of mine when people park their cars perpendicular to the garage in the driveway despite all the signs that tell you to park on the street or risk being towed, because it prevents me from being able to get in my garage. The neighbors across the driveway from me always has their lazy friends park in front of their garage for hours on end, and I have to do a 9-point-turn to get into my garage. Anyway, I was glad to have met my new neighbor Tom, who said anytime I need to borrow sugar or flour, or if he’s in my way, to go over and pound on his door. I asked how long he’s been living there. “Two years,” he said. Oops. I’m a horrible neighbor. “I’ve seen you around,” he said to me. I don’t remember ever seeing him. The owner of the roofing company called me later on and apologized profusely, saying he wasn’t there when his crew shut down and didn’t know they had left that honking tar machine (about the size of a small tractor) sitting there, but that it needs to be towed away by a truck and his trucker is presently in Hawthorne (i.e. far away). I thanked him for his attention and directed him to the treasurer for a place to keep that machine for the next 10 days that would be out of the way. By the way, Friday and today, Saturday, that machine was still exactly where it was in the way. I backed out of my garage today by running over their cone and tarp at such an angle that I barely missed taking out their machine. But it was the only way I could get out.

The night ended well…I had a Red Delicious apple for dinner while I did laundry and sorted through my bills and receipts and wrapped my Christmas gifts.